The US should introduce a system of ennoblement

brian_eggleston
imabench

Distinguished gentlemen in Britain do not go by the common-or-garden titles of Mister and Missus: rather they are addressed as Sir, Lord, Baron, Earl, Duke, Marquis, Count or Viscount and distinguished ladies are addressed by those titles' female counterparts. Meanwhile, across the Atlantic in one of Britain's former colonies, distinguished Americans are not set apart from ordinary citizens by their titles and A-list celebrities, former politicians, captains of industry, financially-privilege...

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5 Comments
Updated 2 Years Ago

The obese should be made to wear odour-combatting undergarments in pubs and bars

brian_eggleston
wierdman

Now that many countries have banned smoking in pubs and bars the dominant smell is no longer that of tobacco smoke, instead it is the all-pervading stench of intestinal gases that have leaked out of certain customers' pants.Obviously, because the obese eat far more than average they naturally emit more gases than normal people - and these emissions needs to be mitigated.The most simple method would be to produce undergarments from convert...

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1 Comments
Updated 2 Years Ago

The UK should send a military task force to the South Atlantic to deter Argentinean aggression

brian_eggleston
ConservativePolitico

Clearly the Argentinean government's memories of their country's failed attempt to seize the Falkland Islands in 1982 (1) have faded because, once again, Argentina has turned its beady little eyes to the islands, this time no doubt with the intention of getting their grubby hands on the oil reserves that have recently been discovered off the coast of this British Overseas Territory. (2,3) This treacherous bunch of tango-dancing greasers has belligerently laid siege to the Falklands by instiga...

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3 Comments
Updated 2 Years Ago

It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

brian_eggleston
imabench

The hero of this story is a young man: a modest, kind, intelligent, witty, charming, tall and handsome chap called Cuthbert. Cuthbert excelled at sport, drove a convertible sports car, lived in a penthouse apartment in central London and had a well-paid job. Now, one evening, at a high society party, he met a well-bred young lady whose face shone like the moon and whose body was nubile and shapely, and whose name was Felicity. Felicity was caring, sensitive, demure, bright, a talented musicia...

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5 Comments
Updated 2 Years Ago

It's time to rid England's countryside of Neolithic gay porn

brian_eggleston
LiberalHoyaLawya

Unsuspecting families visiting Cerne Abbas in Dorset, England, will be sickened to the pits of their stomachs if they happen to glance upwards and see the 180ft figure of a sexually-aroused man that was cut into a nearby hillside by stone age gays. (1,2) These filthy prehistoric pornographers obviously didn't care about offending decent, law-abiding tourists in the future by subjecting them to the sight of an obscene giant gay with a 30ft erection and, disgracefully, the authorities today hav...

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12 Comments
Updated 2 Years Ago

A Rolling Stone gathers no moss

Chrysippus
brian_eggleston

A Rolling Stone gathers no moss.I am currently undergoing a series of scholarly debates over the authenticity and reliability of certain well-known proverbs. I have recently debated "Ignorance is Bliss," http://www.debate.org/debates/Ignorance-is-Bliss/3/ and proved that it is not; and I just finished debating whether a bird in...

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1 Comments
Updated 2 Years Ago

It's time to restore our traditional mid-winter festival to its former glory

brian_eggleston
bjrscj

Sadly, many years ago our mid-winter festivities were hijacked by religious zealots who wanted us to celebrate the birth of the founder of their sect – Jesus Christ - and they sought to rebrand the traditional Yuletide celebrations as "Christmas" in his honour. The fact is, the Christians of Northern Europe didn't adopt the 25th December to mark Jesus Christ's birthday until around three or four hundred years after he died (supposing he even existed at all) and this is generally accepted to...

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2 Comments
Updated 2 Years Ago

Don't let London's Olympic Legacy be Lexus Lanes

brian_eggleston
TheTruthAnalyst

So, you are an affluent investment banker who has personally profited enormously from the huge government subsidies lavished on the financial sector and, in order to preserve your wealth, you are based in the Principality of Monaco where income is taxed at 0%. You live there in an exclusive penthouse apartment overlooking Monte Carlo's Port Hercule, which is where your luxury yacht happens to be moored. However, the bank you work for is located in London, Europe's financial hub, and every wee...

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9 Comments
Updated 2 Years Ago

The courts should be allowed to grant retrospective abortion orders

brian_eggleston
imabench

Austria, 1901. A customs official returns home to his wife.Mr Alois Hitler (for it is he): Good evening, dear.Mrs Klara Hitler (for it is she): Good evening, Alois. Nice day at work?Mr Hitler: Not really, Klara, where’s young Adolf? I can’t hear him goose-stepping around the house, barking orders&...

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8 Comments
Updated 2 Years Ago

It's time for New York to drop the "New"

brian_eggleston
jm_notguilty

I recently responded to an advert in a newspaper which read: SPECIAL OFFER New Vases Only £9.99 each Made in China However, when the vase was delivered I noticed that the glaze was tarnished and, suspicious, I used the Internet to research the markings on the vase's base and discovered, much to my dismay, that far from being "new" the vase was actually made in China during the Ming Dynasty (1368-1644) and I, naturally, sent it back with a demand for a full refund. Okay, I hear you sa...

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14 Comments
Updated 2 Years Ago