Cousins and beer nuts are better than colon cancer

Ok so you're partying with your cousins discussing how disintelligent people who wear adidas and say weenis are, because it resembles the slang vulgar word penis, properly defined as dick. Then your mom pops in and brings you guys some beer nuts and you have a giddy time. Colon cancer infects the anus and kills people.

To tell you the truth, I took this one up by accident. I meant to decline the challenge (and I'm not sure why I got this challenge), but oh well. Talk about playing devil's advocate. Yraelz, I think this will top you winning the argument where you had to prove that you were an idiot. :D Here goes nothing:

First, my opponent committees the fallacy of false dichotomy by implying that colon cancer always kills people. This is not true as it can easily be cured during its early stages.

Second, death may seem like the ultimate evil to many, but it's absolutely necessary in order to maintain human life on our planet. Environmentalist estimate that the earth will reach its maximum capacity when the population is within the range of 10-12 billion. For a better understanding, take into account my chart below:

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World Population Chart:

1804: roughly 1 billion
1927 (123 years later) roughly 2 billion
1960 (33 years later) roughly 3 billion
1974 (13 years later)roughly 4 billion
1987 (12 years later) roughly 5 billion
1999 (12 years later)roughly 6 billion

The rest is what is pure estimation based off of the above increases:

2013: 7 billion
2028: 8 billion
2050: 10.7 (high) or 8.9 (middle) or 7.3 low) billion projected
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Now what happens when the population overshoots the earth's carrying capacity? I'll tell you. Our resources diminish and mostly everyone ends up dying. Something needs to be done to keep the population at its current level and death through means other than old age is necessary. Since Colon Cancer is beneficial to keeping the population in check, it's good (gotta love Utilitarianism during these debates :D ) outweighs the good which my opponent brought up in his opening argument. Yes, the "good" that comes from eating beer nuts and having a "hoot" with your cousins. Thus, I strongly urge that you vote in negation of the resolution.

With that said, I now await my opponent's first rebuttal.

well see bustah brown actually cousins and beer nuts are better than death because they like indeuce it. see last morn i was travelin down south with my ex wipe and i heard on the radio that someone was travelin up west with their cousins and partyin in their furraree and eating sum beer nuts when they turned left instead of right and flew through the guardrail and went kaput on the rockies. as you can see the death is quick and painless, and is actually quite peaceful. on the other hand, colon cancer, which white-african-americans are most prone to (3% die from it), not only spreads horrible pain through your anus, but slowly catorts itself into your breasts, thighs, and derierre. The disease takes its final blow out the hole of your dick (or, for the more disintelligent people-i hate this word-"penis"), by shooting a .44 caliber bullet at 50 MPH out the hole. This leads to imminent suffucation and death. If i were to get this right now it would be very untimely because in two days im going to be the best man at my own wedding.

My opponent states that cousins and beer nuts induce death and cites an example a personal experience to support his claim, but this is an obvious example of the post hoc ego propter hoc fallacy, as the "person" in his example merely ate bear nuts and socialized with his/her cousin before crashing to his deaths. By the same logic, one could very well conclude that merely getting inside a red car induces death as well.

Now can bear nuts and cousins be the cause of an individual's death? Quite possibly. However, to directly associate it as being THE means of inducing death is absolutely absurd. Not only that, but there are a plethora of means in which a cousin could grant someone a slow and painful death through the usage of bear nuts. I will not illustrate these methods as they are rather gruesome (too gruesome for those with a weak stomach D=).

At any rate, my opponent concedes to the benefits which I insinuated as being linked to death in round 1. This is shown in that he did not address my analysis and that he attempted to suggest that cousins and beer nuts were superior since they could produce a quick and painless deaths. In round one, he advocated that the evil of death itself was what made bear nuts and cousins superior to colon cancer. Clearly, he conceded to his own argument being faulty. Nevertheless, his new argument is faulty as well (as I've shown above).

I now await my opponent's final rebuttal.

My opponent has forfeited his round. Therefore, you can extend all of my arguments made in the previous round. Since the pro has raised no objections to my arguments, the contender automatically wins this debate. Thus, I urge the audience to vote on my case for these very reasons (and for no reasons that concern personal opinion towards the topic).

With that said, I thank you for taking the time to read this debate. Until next time, bye! :D