The Instigator
420nocomprendogg
Pro (for)
Tied
0 Points
The Contender
Arcanas
Con (against)
Tied
0 Points

Do Almonds Lactate? (aka. Are Almonds Mammals?)

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Voting Style: Open Point System: 7 Point
Started: 4/2/2015 Category: Philosophy
Updated: 2 years ago Status: Post Voting Period
Viewed: 538 times Debate No: 72805
Debate Rounds (5)
Comments (5)
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420nocomprendogg

Pro

Almonds Are Not Mammals

I often find mail in odd places around my house. I find mail on the kitchen table, under the couch, on the bed, on the stairs and, sometimes, in the car. Typically, this happens because my wife will get the mail from our mailbox and then realize that she needs to do something somewhere else in the house. The mail is read in said location and is consequently left there when the pressing task is engaged.

Recently, I found mail in the bathroom. As you can imagine, my wife retrieved the mail from the box only to realize that there was a bothersome condition that needed to be assuaged. She took the mail with her into the bathroom. No doubt, the mail proved to be sufficient reading material while she took action in improving her circumstance. When all was said and done, the mail was read and did not need to be immediately relocated, so it was left on the counter next to the commode.

Considering that I often have pressing matters of my own, my discovery of that day"s mail was inevitable. What I found among the mail was intriguing: a coupon for almond milk.

I became perturbed.

I had heard of cow"s milk and goat"s milk but never almond milk. Until this point, I was unaware that such a thing was possible " a nut producing milk?

As I sat there, I began reviewing everything I had learned about animal science from elementary school to the present. There had to be some answer for the question that was now burning through my skull " Are almonds mammals?

I clearly remember several of the units we were taught on animal classification. I remember learning about reptiles and how they lay eggs, are cold-blooded, and have scales. I remember learning about birds and how they also lay eggs, but are warm-blooded, and have feathers. I remember learning about fish and how they have gills to breathe under water, lay eggs, and have scales and fins. I remember learning about amphibians and how they live on land and in the water, are cold-blooded, and have moist skin. I also remember learning about mammals and how they are warm-blooded, have fur or hair, give birth to live young, and nurse their young with milk.

The fact that there is such a thing as almond milk leads me to believe that the only classification an almond could possibly have is that of mammal, since none of the animals in any other classification produce milk. That said, the almond doesn"t seem to have any of the other characteristics of other mammals.

Let"s examine this characteristic by characteristic, shall we?

1. Mammals Have Hair

Upon closer inspection, an almond, indeed, has NO FUR. Certainly, there are many examples of mammals that are called "hairless," however while it may be sparse and indistinguishable, the fact remains that even "hairless" mammals still have hair.

Strike one to the almond.

2. Mammals Are Warm-Blooded

In order to know if an almond is warm-blooded or cold-blooded, we must find out if it even has blood at all. To do this we must cut open the almond and see if it bleeds. Having cut an almond completely in half, I have discovered that an almond does not have blood. Therefore, an almond can"t be warm-blooded. I must say, though, that the almond was very compliant to its own demise. It squirmed a little bit under the knife, which is understandable considering the kind of pain it must have been in, but, all in all, it was a rather good sport about it. It"s too bad an almond had to be sacrificed to do this test. I tried to notify its family, but I couldn"t find any contact information.

A mournful strike two to the almond.

3. Mammals Give Birth to Live Young

Um" I don"t even know where to go with this one. Let"s just say that the research is inconclusive since I can"t even get two almonds to mate, let alone give birth. It"s hard enough to know which ones are male and which ones are female. For all I know, I"ve been forcing homosexuality on almonds that would otherwise consider themselves to be heterosexual. On top of that, I"m not sure what gets almonds in the mood. I tried silk sheets and soft, sexy music. I put rose petals on the bed, lit some nice scented candles in the room and dimmed the lights. None of this seemed to work. Instead, I spent most of my time trying to keep the dog from jumping on the bed and eating my research.

Due to inconclusive results, we"re still on strike two.

4. Mammals Nurse Their Young With Milk

This is the crux of this whole investigation. In order for us to have almond milk, almonds must actually produce milk. This would require the almond to have mammae " milk-producing organs. A close inspection of an almond would indicate no such structure either on or in an almond. Unfortunately, I had to dissect several almonds in search of these structures. Having only dissected the one, and not being able to tell the sex of an almond, I needed to increase my sample size to a number that would surely contain a female. Again, I could not locate the families of any of the victi" err" test subjects.

If the mammae of the almond are too small to see with the naked eye, certainly there would be a point on the surface of the almond where the milk would be excreted. I would assume that this would require the almond to be female and to have recently given birth to live young. Since we have no way of knowing either of those things, a large sample of almonds were chosen for experimental milking.

This did not go well. Suffice it to say that no amount of squeezing was successful in yielding any milk from my sampling of almonds. Also, I may have inflicted psychological damage on any of the male almonds that I tried to milk. Then again, that would require the almond to have a brain, which I also cannot confirm.

Strike three to the almond.

What, then, shall we conclude?

It is obvious to me that another American corporation is trying to prey upon the supposedly gullible American people by trying to sell them milk said to have come from something that does not produce milk. Apparently, they have done this with soybeans and coconuts as well. I don"t frequently come into contact with either of those items, so I never questioned it before. However, having looked at some pictures on the internet (with safe search on, of course), it would seem that neither possesses the necessary anatomy to produce milk. Although, coconuts to appear to have fur, which would make them more mammalian than the almond.

Don"t be gullible, people. Almonds don"t produce milk. They are physically incapable of it. Don"t believe everything you read on a package. Keep in mind that SPAM is marketing itself as "Crazy Tasty." We all know better.

These are probably the same people who tried to get you to buy a Pet Rock, watch a TV show starring Paris Hilton, or drive a Geo.

Think for yourself and you won"t be conned into drinking nasty almond "milk."

"Almonds Are Not Mammals." Impassioned Apathy. N.p., 16 Dec. 2010. Web. 02 Apr. 2015.
Debate Round No. 1
420nocomprendogg

Pro

420nocomprendogg forfeited this round.
Arcanas

Con

Letting Pro post his actual argument now
Debate Round No. 2
420nocomprendogg

Pro

420nocomprendogg forfeited this round.
Arcanas

Con

Arcanas forfeited this round.
Debate Round No. 3
420nocomprendogg

Pro

420nocomprendogg forfeited this round.
Arcanas

Con

Arcanas forfeited this round.
Debate Round No. 4
420nocomprendogg

Pro

420nocomprendogg forfeited this round.
Arcanas

Con

Arcanas forfeited this round.
Debate Round No. 5
5 comments have been posted on this debate. Showing 1 through 5 records.
Posted by 420nocomprendogg 2 years ago
420nocomprendogg
How do you know?
Posted by 420nocomprendogg 2 years ago
420nocomprendogg
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Posted by Domr 2 years ago
Domr
Is this supposed to be a troll debate? And yeah, you are on the wrong side.

You are Pro (or arguing FOR the premise) do almonds lactate? Meaning you are taking the side that the do lactate, yet your argument states something else.

And are you even aware almond milk is made by blending almonds with water and honey, and scooping out the almonds? You don't milk an almond. SMH
Posted by ronanomalley 2 years ago
ronanomalley
This is stupid and you need to stop.
Posted by TBR 2 years ago
TBR
You should be Con in this debate.
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