Funny Joke Contest

Funniest jokes win.

Three guys are arguing about who was the most drunk the previous night.

The first guy says "I was so drunk I blew chunks!"

The second guy says "You've got nothing, I was so drunk I got a DUI!"

The third guy says "You two are chumps, I was so drunk I crashed my car... twice!"

The first guy says "No, you guys don't understand. Chunks is my dog!"

Ok, this sounds pretty fun.

A guy walks into a bar and puts 10 dollars on the table in front of the bartender.

The bartender says "What do you want?"

The man says "I bet you 10 dollars I can bite my eye."

"Ok, you're on."

The man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The next day he comes in and puts 50 dollars on the table.

The bartender said, "What is it now?"

The man said, "I bet you 50 dollars I can bite my other eye."

"Fine."

The man takes his false teeth out and "bites" his other eye. The next day he comes in with 100 dollars.

The bartender said, "What are you here for now?"

The man replied, "I bet you 100 dollars I can throw that shot glass across the room and pee in it without spilling a drop."

"Ok, you're on."

The man throws the shot glass across the room and is peeing everywhere. He's writing his name on the wall and doing all of this crazy stuff.

The bartender starts laughing and says, "Ha! You lost 100 dollars!"

"No I didn't, I won 100."

"How could you have won?"

"See that guy over there? I bet him 200 dollars that I could pee all over your bar and you would laugh about it."

Ned bets his friend that he is the most popular man in the world.

His friend says that if they go into the diner across the street not everyone will no him. They walk into the diner and everyone yells "Hey Ned!"

His friend goes "Oh yeah, I bet you don't know the president."

They go to the White House and sure enough the President lets him in and invites him to dinner because they are such good friends.

They then go to Buckingham Palace to see if Ned knows the Queen of England. When the Queen sees Ned, she invites him over for tea.

His friend gets really angry and demands that they go to the Vatican to see if he knows the Pope. When they get to the Vatican, the Pope asks Ned if he wants to go out on the balcony with him. They go out on the balcony and his friend passes out.

They're in the hospital and Ned asks his friend what is wrong. His friend says "You could've been a regular at the diner, a campaign manager for the President, know someone in the royal family, and be very Catholic, but what surprised me is when you were on the balcony with the Pope, some guy said 'who's that up there with Ned?'"

Two Irish men are at a table in a bar.

One of them says, "What's yer name?"

The other says, "My name's Patrick."

"Mine is too! I'll buy ya a drink on it!"

The first man asks, "Where did ya go to school?"

The second man says, "I went to school at St. Mary's."

"Me too! Drinks on everyone!"

A man watching at another table says, "Why are those two guys so happy?"

Another man says, "Oh, it's the O'Conner twins. They're drunk again.

Your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday.
You refer to the Packers as "we."
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on
the highway.
"Vacation" means going up nort' to Crivitz for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
You use a down comforter in the summer - and gloves.
You drive at 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard,
without flinching.
You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.
You think of the major food groups as venison, fish, and berries.
There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Fleet Farm at
any given time.
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road
construction.
It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're
in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.
You buy your Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.
You know what cow-tipping is.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to
use them.
You define summer as three months of bad sledding.
Your definition of a small town is one that has only one bar.
Snow tires come standard on all your cars.
At least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm.
You have gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.
You can identify an Illinois or Michigan accent.
You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off
your bike.
Down South to you means Chicago.
Traveling coast to coast means going from La Crosse to Milwaukee.
The "Big Three" means Miller, Old Milwaukee & PBR.
You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
You know a brat is something you eat and Eau Claire is not.
You were offended by the movie "Fargo".
You have no problem spelling Milwaukee.
You can pronounce and spell Oconomowoc.
You know where Waukesha is and can pronounce it.
You consider Madison exotic.
You got a passport to go to Minnesota.
Your ides of foreign culture is listening to Da Yoopers.
You know what a bubbler is.
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.
A Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your
blue spruce.
You go out for fish fry every Friday.
You can recognize someone from Illinois from their driving.
You've seen a hodag.
You know how to polka.
Formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans & a baseball cap.
You used to think Deer Season was a national holiday.
I'll slip another joke in here
What's the difference between jelly and jam?
I can't jelly my dick up your butt
You know Gotham is a real city.
You can make sense out of the words upnort and Trivers.
You decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend.
You can visit Luxemburg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, Berlin, New London
& Poland all in one afternoon.
You only know three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
You go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home wearing
shorts.
You've seen mosquitoes with landing lights.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You enjoy driving in the winter because the potholes fill in with
snow.
Your sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
The local paper covers major headlines on 1 page, but requires 4 pages
for sports.
At least twice a year, your kitchen doubles as a meat processing
plant.
Your children describe their summer vacation out of state as a "trip
to Door County."
You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
You have caught a fish in Lake Michigan and it glowed in the dark.
You define swimming season as Labor Day weekend.
Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
You find 0 degrees a little chilly.
The snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do.
You have been involved in a "drive-by hay bailing".
You drink "soda" and refer to your dad as "pop".

I hope you read the whole thing and noticed the bonus joke I slipped in there.

Dang, I should have said one joke per round. Good thing your jokes aren't funny :D.

A rabbit (male) is about to be eaten by a bear (male) are in a forest when a genie appears and gives them each three wishes.

The bear says, "I'll go first. I wish all the bears in the world were female."

The rabbit says, "I wish I had a motorcycle."

The bear replies, "I wish all of the bears in the world were here in this forest."

The rabbit says, "I wish I had a motorcycle helmet."

The bear says, "I wish all the bears in the world were in love with me."

The rabbit smiles and says, "I wish that bear was gay."