I will create worse essays than you (Troll debate)
Short note on rules: The only rule is to not use semantics to try to win this debate on any technicality. Given that there are 3 rounds, whoever has the 2 or more essays considered worse by the voters will win.
A worse essay is one that others regard to be more humorously illogical and convey a false intention of coherence. Misspellings are acceptable to convey poor form.
We shall assume these essays (3,000 char limit) are submitted as part of a college level english final to your teacher. Each Essay should have a title.
Sexiness: not limited to human beings
Sexiness is not limited to human beings. Picture a healthy, burlap elderly man wearing an American flag speedo. He's smiling fiercely. What about this is sexy? Everything. Now, onto yet another real example. Imagine you wake up and smell bacon. Your mouth waters. You rush around the house lusting after this bacon. Two words for this: sexy. Now, what about the grease on the bacon? That is not sexy but babyphat is sexy so it actually can be. Now my first example of the old man wearing the flag speedo makes perfect sense.
In the 1600's womens rights first came on the scene in america. Luckily, they didn't have rights yet because they weren't sexy enough. With the invention of the speedo in 1612, women gradually got rights and became sexy.
Another example is my dog Phillip. He eats two cans of potato chicken daily and is totally incontinent. We have to put a diaper on him because he likes to run around and poop on little neighborhood kids.
Phillip, women's rights, bacon, and the patriotic old man all prove that sexiness is only possible iin humans. Each example that I've have had hadn't had not given has been researched on the internet and reviewed by myself for erors.
All in all, we've witnessed here today in my essay that sexiness is limited to human beings. You can't find anything sexy if it isn't human. My essay set out to prove that and I have. In conclusion, this essay proves that my abilities are above my teachers pay grade and that I should complain to admin. that she isn't smart enough to grade my masterpeace essays.
Jail Cells : De Saviour off Menkind
There should be more jail cells than there are today. Ah, the sweet smell of a rotting cell. The worst of the worst being your cellmate. You want out but there is no one to save you. You poor little soul...HA! IN YOUR DREAMS! The whole reason you are in jail is because you committed the whole crime! As we all know, jail cells are for bad people and since this is true according to a source way more credible than Wikipedia, me, then there should be more jail cells. This logic is simple and undenyable.
One May ask, "How do YOU know these people are sentenced rightfully?" Simple. Those who ask this question are obviously those who also belong in a cell. Since they who ask dis also belong in a cell, then wouldn't anyone agree that there should be more jail cells? Of course they would!
For the sake of those who disagree with me, I will answer the very question of knowing whether these people are not wrongfully sentenced itself. The answer is obvious. One is found guilty by the evidence that is presented. If one fails to present enough evidence to prove his or her innocence, then it is their fault they couldn't prove their innocence so this also means that they are then guilty and should be thrown into a cell. Simple.
With all this said, there should be more jail cells. Everyone that is thrown into one obviously deserves to be there. With my point being proven, anyone who disagrees with me, even you, dear professor, deserve to be in a cell. So be a good citizen to your country and give me my A plus. Thank you.
Magic is everywhere
Anyone who doesn't think magic is real is a moron. Magishuns are actually proven by me to be aliens that got ancient magical powers to do stuff like pull a rabbit out of a hat or saw somebody in half. My friend also told me that I am right and he is never wrong when he says that I'm right. ever sense I was 3 I've believed magic is real and haven't been wrong ever sense. How do you think they fit tiny talking people in your TV? That's why anyone who doesn't think its magic is like totally a morron. Plus why would they be magic tricks if they weren't magic. I never ever ever never ever heard anyone say that magic isnt real so it must be real any ways.
magic causes many other things such as lightning too. I've come to the conclusion that magic clouds are the ones that shoot lightning because they get angry. rainbows are the opposite of magic clouds because they are gay as can be for those like me who know that magic is real. magic is also real becau
magic is used in movies all the time when people come back to life after dying and falling from too high up. In this one movie, I saw a guy get shot when he should've died and he didn't so I witnessed magic.
After reading some notes I wrote down about where I think magic comes From, I've learned that anyone who eats a four leave clover can be magical as well. thats why I ate one from my lucky charms breastfast this morning and now I can do just about anything. When I blow on my finger I can shrink to the size of an ant but I can only do it when no one is looking because thats just how magic works. I'm gonna. use my magic powers to make my teacher smarter because she never gives me good grades for no reason.
Magic is real and anyone who says it doesn't is a moron.
Cookies: The Life Partner Everyone Needs
Cookies are the life partner everyone needs. When I was 4, I stumbled on a flattened chocolate ball. As I looked at it closely wondering what it was, I noticed it looking back at me. It was love at first sight. I accidentally ate it though for it came too close to my face. If that day never came, I would be empty today.
Cookies are the life partner of my life because they make me feel like nothing else can, loved. When I am sad and lonely, there it is in a jar in my pantree. A cookie. When bitten, it just melts in my mouth like my heart melts when loved.
An example is when I failed my first exam in the first semester and sulked in my dorm room. I felt like there was nothing left to live for. Howevar, once I stepped into the kitchen, I remembered why I lived in the first place. To eat cookies. It was there, on the table, the jar of cookies. I took a bite. It tasted so good. From that day on, I passed my exams with flying colours all through the motivation of my life partner...cookies.
This experience is undenyabel as if a cookie can be the cause of all this in my life, I am certain people will soon come to realize what I see as well. Even my dear professor will soon realize this as well. I am sure that once my professor takes a bite, my A is certain for doing him a great favour.
We all deserve a million dollars for free
If we don't give everyone a million dollars, eventually no one will ever earn any kind of money. Would you really want no one to earn any kind of money?
Without money, we would all starve and not be able to breathe. I've seen so much money being printed in this dream I had last week I can just imagine how easy it would be to give everyone in the USA a million dollars for free by dumping it out of a large air balloon. They say that money is the root of all evil, but they forget that money can buy drugs and booze. Everyone deserves to be given a million dollars for free because money is cash! The simple fact is, we either give everyone a million dollars or we're all gonna be broke and homeless. That's all there is to it.
Everyone deserves a million dollars for free because money printers are greedy adulterers that don't want everyone to have a million dollars. Let's face it: if you were a true human being you would support giving everyone a million dollars for free. Haters might say that everyone getting a million dollars might cause inflation, but then how would everyone go hunt for firewood when they want to go camping? Everyone who doesn't support giving everyone a million dollars really just hates the poor. Truthfully, those people who oppose giving everyone this free money are just as bad as Hitler. Everyone is starting to support the idea so it must be true anyway. A baseball player hitting a home run is just the same as giving everyone free money and really drives my points home.
I've given every reason for why we all deserve a million dollars for free.
I beleeve comunism doesn't wurk because comunism beleeves in equality. Imajine a world where every one is treeted as de same. Boring isn't it? It sure is four mee! I find it boring because rich peeple won't bee abel too look down on de poor and I don't like it! Comunism just takes out de fun of poor peepel being laughed at because if it wurks, de poor peepel will become normal peepel and dats unfair!
Not just dat! Comunism takes away sexism. Dats not fare! Peepel shud hav de rite too sea others how eva dei wanna! If I wanna look down on a gurl, dats my bisness! Y shud I judge some one four how dei look at other peepel?! Comunism is just judge mental and I don't like it!
Bee sides dat, comunism does not aproove racism but comunism itself is racist! De peeple who started comunism were Russian and only Russians were de ones who spread comunism around de wurld! I also think comunism is judgemental in dis case because dei are judging udders for being racist. Hey, if I can't see you in de snow because your white den isn't it too bad four yoo? Duh, of course it ees!
Simplee put, comunism doesn't work because comunism, dats y. If my techer does not give me a good mark on dis essay, den she ees obviously a racist and sexist asian woman.
Thanks Benshapiro for this amusing troll debate. I apologize if these essays have offended anyone despite my previous warnings. Note once again that these essays were never meant to offend anyone and are not from personal experience in any way.