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I would make a better Christian televangelist than my opponent

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Voting Style: Open Point System: 7 Point
Started: 3/18/2015 Category: Funny
Updated: 3 years ago Status: Post Voting Period
Viewed: 875 times Debate No: 71947
Debate Rounds (1)
Comments (6)
Votes (1)




Jewing gullible people out of their hard-earned cash using the age-old, tried-and-tested televangelism scam is as easy as taking candy off a baby.

That's why I have decided to become a pastor and what follows is the transcript of my first fundraising television commercial. I believe it will be superior to my opponent's. I hope you agree and vote in my favour in this one-round debate.

""Welcome fellow followers of the world's foremost faith - yes, that's right - good old Christianity! I am Brian Eggleston: lay preacher and amateur gynaecologist. My sermon today discusses the importance of demonstrating your faith in Christ through supporting my hard work to promote Christianity in the international arena. Praise the Lord!

You see, the sad fact is that there are several Shamans in the Seychelles, many Maoists in Monte Carlo, hundreds of homos in Honolulu, scores of savages in Saint Tropez, a plethora of pagans in Portofino and hordes of heathens in Hong Kong: all of whom need enlightening.

Furthermore, in the past I have come across many nubile young lesbians on the nudist beaches of the Greek Island of Lesbos and I would like to come across a few more in my endeavour to cure them of their affliction. Hallelujah!

Referring to the Holy scriptures, the Bible tells us that approximately thirteen and a half billion years ago God spent Monday through to Saturday creating the Universe. After all that hard work He understandably decided to take Sunday off to rest.

Actually, He took not only took Sunday off but the rest of the week as well. In fact, God's been off work ever since, but I expect He is probably suffering from some sort of work-related stress disorder so we shouldn't judge Him too harshly. Amen.

However, what this means is that God doesn't have the motivation or energy to go around the universe demonstrating unequivocally to all the intelligent life forms that He is the one and only divine ruler of all creation.

That's why He delegated the task of enlightening His creations to His son. And so, around two thousand years ago, as part of his epic tour of the Universe, the prophet the ancient Hebrews called Rabbi Yeshua Massiah, and who we call Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth, visited our humble planet in order to stamp his father's authority on mankind by overturning market stalls, withering fig trees and so on and so forth. Praise the Lord!

However, there are around three hundred billion solar systems in our galaxy alone, and with there being at least two hundred billion galaxies in our observable universe, Jesus obviously can't spend too long on any one planet. Amen.

So after about thirty years he departed Earth, presumably to perform his famous 'Water-into-Wine and Other Amazing Tricks' act at a series of gigs in other interstellar venues. Hallelujah!

But Jesus' work was not complete when he left. In fact, Jesus only managed to convince a few hundred people of his divine parentage. Amen.

In the Bible it says something like "And Jesus did journey to the Sea of Galilee unto where many people had gathered on the beach to swim and sunbathe because it was a such lovely sunny day".

'And Jesus did wander amongst the throng and he did address anyone who would listen to him. And he said 'Yes, honestly, my dad is an all-powerful deity. No really, He is, and his name is God. in fact there are no other deities - those deities that all the Egyptians and the Romans and the Greeks worship are just mythical. Okay, if you don't believe me, I'll prove it to you. I see many of you have forgotten to bring packed lunches today. Well don't worry, I'll back with a nice surprise for you.'

'And Jesus did go up onto the seafront promenade where there were many takeaway stalls and he did come back to the beach with five thousand bags of fish 'n' chips - some with mushy peas, some with curry sauce and some with just salt and vinegar upon them. And Jesus did look up to Heaven and bless the food and he gave it to the disciples to set before the multitude because he couldn't be bothered to distribute them himsaelf'."

Even so, most people at the time just thought he was some sort of crank and, sadly, even today, the vast majority of the world's population do not follow Christ's teachings.

So there is a lot of work still to be done to convince the rest of mankind to convert to Christianity, but I am happy to dedicate myself to the service of the Lord Almighty in this respect, at least on a part-time basis.

However, missionary work is expensive. That's why I am appealing to you for financial help so that I may spread God's word around the world. Donations are tax-free so every penny I receive will go to straight to the cause. Just $500 will fill the tank of my Lamborghini with fuel, thus helping me to spread the Lord's Good News far and wide.

Meanwhile, as little as $5 million will buy me an executive jet which will enable me to spread His divine message even further and faster. Hallelujah!

Giving money to help finish the job that Jesus failed to finish is your only path to salvation but please remember that if you don't give me any cash you are going to burn in Hell for all eternity.

So to set up regular direct payments into my bank account please call 1-800 YOU SUCKERS or to make a one-off donation by credit card please call 1-800 NEW LEARJET,

The job can't wait so please call now! God bless you.

[Voiceover] "Eggleston's Ecclesiastical Enterprises is a Limited Liability Company registered in the Cayman Islands which is regulated by the Financial Services Authority of The Democratic People's Republic of North Korea. You are duly advised that your place in Heaven may be at risk if you do not keep up regular payments.""


Here is my transcript:

"Let me begin by saying that I don"t want your money. There is no number to call to make donations; there is no address to write down if all you are doing is sending a check. This program is paid for by the members of this congregation. I hope it benefits you in the Lord, but there is nothing that I want you to give to me, this congregation, or this program.

Instead, I want you involved in your local church. As I said, I hope this program is helpful, but it doesn"t replace your local church. It does not replace worshiping with other believers. You need that time. You need to be a member of a Christian body. Your local church needs you, and you need your church.

Since I mentioned money a moment ago, I will also say that you need to financially support the church where you are a member. The church throughout history has set the standard of giving 10% of whatever God has given you back to His church. If your church isn"t doing what is right with the money then either change churches or (even better) change your church.

Now, if you genuinely can"t afford to give that is one thing. Don"t let your children go hungry in order to give money away. However, if you are watching this program that means that you live in America and have access either to cabal or satellite television, or to the internet. That means that there is a 98% chance that you can afford to give a tenth of what you earn to your church. If you really feel that you can"t afford it then drop the luxury of cabal or the internet and that will free up the money. Don"t listen to the culture which says that your luxury should always come first. Don"t listen to the society that is obsessed with materialism and bling and showing off. As Paul said, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Now there will be those who attack you for giving. There are those who will make fun of you for living your life for God. There are those who will make silly comments about the faith and imagine they have scored a point against Christianity. They will see a missionary asking for financial support and say that the missionary is only after money, even though that missionary is actually living below the poverty level and building wells for those without clean water. They will say that pastors are only after money even though, based on hours worked per week and education required, the pastorate is one of the lowest paying professions in America.* They will point to mega church pastors as their prime example of overpaid clergy, even though these pastors run organizations with between 2,000 and 20,000 members and are paid only a fraction of what they would earn if they achieved the same feat in the secular world. If all else fails they will insinuate that you are hypocrites, self-righteous, and gullible, even though they don"t know you or have any evidence to back up those claims.

Let them. Let them attack. Let ridicule. You can"t stop them, but even if you could still don"t. Let goodness be your first defense, so that when they attack you as greedy and selfish those who actually look at your life will know that their attacks are false. Let them attack, for all they have is words. We live in hope, in faith, and in love. There insults can do nothing to us unless we let them."

Pro did say that he would be a better televangelist, not that he would bring in more money. So, what do you think? Is this better?

Debate Round No. 1
6 comments have been posted on this debate. Showing 1 through 6 records.
Posted by TBR 3 years ago
It has been a wish to go into the TV preacher biz. Just waiting for my hair to go full white.

I will look at the debate tomorrow. If no takers, I know I have you beat.
Posted by ClashnBoom 3 years ago
I'd like to debate but this is just a mockery of Christian pastors.
Posted by brian_eggleston 3 years ago
Thank you for the very kind compliment!

And sorry to limit it to adults, it's just that the last few under-18's forfeited.
Posted by Wylted 3 years ago
I love your debates Brian.
Posted by That1User 3 years ago
I'm 17, I will be an adult in a little over 6 months.
Posted by brian_eggleston 3 years ago
Sorry, adults-only for this debate.
1 votes has been placed for this debate.
Vote Placed by That1User 3 years ago
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Total points awarded:03 
Reasons for voting decision: Con's speech was better, thus he made a better Christian televangelist than his opponent, therefore he wins the debate.