The Instigator
TheOncomingStorm
Pro (for)
Tied
0 Points
The Contender
ThunderClap
Con (against)
Tied
0 Points

Instrument joke battle

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Voting Style: Open Point System: 7 Point
Started: 11/19/2013 Category: Music
Updated: 3 years ago Status: Post Voting Period
Viewed: 743 times Debate No: 40834
Debate Rounds (3)
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TheOncomingStorm

Pro

Thank you ThunderClap for agreeing to this. Pro attacks brass, and con attacks woodwinds.

With the first round we'll each post one joke, then from there the attacks will be made strategically and no limit will be put on them.

What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.
ThunderClap

Con

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.
Debate Round No. 1
TheOncomingStorm

Pro

How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
Have them miss every other note.

How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.

How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
ThunderClap

Con

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
Debate Round No. 2
TheOncomingStorm

Pro

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I'm better than you."

How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
The doorbell shrieks!

Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's too sensitive.

In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.
After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"

What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
1.Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
2.It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.

How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!

How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.

What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?
A optimist.

What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.

How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
His hat says "Domino's Pizza"

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-At-A-Glance."

How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.

What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.

How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.

What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A goalpost that can't march.

How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
1."Hi. I played that last year."
2."Hi. I did that piece in junior high."

What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.

These two tuba players walk past a bar... Well, it could happen!

Thank you and vote pro if you agree that woodwind beats brass!
ThunderClap

Con

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.

What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.

What is the definition of a major second?
Two baroque oboes playing in unison.

How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.

What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A bad oboist can kill you.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
1. Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles.
2. The grip.

What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
The exhaust.

The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now."
He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

Please vote against the woodwinds.
Debate Round No. 3
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