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Instrument jokes

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Voting Style: Open Point System: 7 Point
Started: 11/19/2013 Category: Music
Updated: 2 years ago Status: Post Voting Period
Viewed: 661 times Debate No: 40845
Debate Rounds (3)
Comments (2)
Votes (2)




ThunderClap, I saw you debate TheOncomingStorm on this topic. I will, however, change it on you.

For this battle, I will be attacking violas and you will be attacking other string instruments. We'll keep the format, though. First round will include one joke and the rest is up to you. May the best condescender win!

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.


This seems fair enough. So let us begin!

Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Debate Round No. 1


How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?
It's usually still in the case.

How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.

How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?
Mark it "solo."

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.

What do you do with a dead violist?
Move him back a desk.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.

If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis?
The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.


A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.
He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"
The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"

Lute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

How long does a harp stay in tune?
About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.

Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.

String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."

Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.
Debate Round No. 2


At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"
The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."
The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"

Radio presenter, Tim Pollard, on BBC Radio Jersey, when introducing a piece of music by the well-known British composer, Eric Coates, said:
"All Eric Coates ever wanted to do was to write music to entertain. But for a while he was a professional viola player."

After his retirement the violist arrived home carrying his viola case. His wife saw the case and asked "What's that?"
(In Germany it is a standing joke that some players leave their instruments in their lockers, removing them only for rehearsals and performances.)

A violist and a 'cellist were standing on a sinking ship. "Help!" cried the 'cellist, "I can't swim!"
"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."

A viola player went to a piano recital. After the performance he went up to the pianist and said, "You know, I particularly liked that piece you played last--the one that started with a long trill."
The pianist said, "Huh? I didn't play any pieces that started with trills."
The viola player said, "You know--[he hums the opening bars of F"r Elise.]"

A violist in an orchestra was crying and screaming at the oboe player sitting directly behind him. The conductor asked, "What are you so upset about?"
The violist replied "The oboist reached over and turned one of the pegs on my viola and now it's all out of tune!"
The conductor asked "Don't you think you're overreacting?"
The violist replied "I'm not overreacting! He won't tell me which one!"

A violinist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the violists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several decades, and the violinist became quite curious about it. One day, during hot weather, the violist took off his jacket and went off on break. The violinist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: "viola left hand, bow right."

A man went into a novelty shop and saw an item that caught his fancy almost immediately. It was a stuffed rat. The man couldn't take his eyes off it, and finally asked how much it cost. The answer was "$79.95, but if you buy it, you can't return it for any reason." The man thought this was a bit odd, but he was really taken by the stuffed rat so he bought it.

As he headed down the street with the stuffed rat, several live rats started following him. He thought this was really odd, but he kept walking. Within a few blocks, he had a huge pack of rats behind him. When he got to the river, he threw the stuffed rat into the river, and all the live rats jumped into the river and drowned.

The man returned to the shop. As soon as he walked in, the owner said "I told you you couldn't return the stuffed rat!"

The man said "No! I don't want to return it! I was wondering if you had any stuffed violists."

A violist was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine meadow. The violist took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"

The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said "Sure."

The violist guessed "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had.

The violist got all excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The violist selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him.

The shepherd then got an idea and asked "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?" The violist was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed "You're a violist, aren't you?"

The violist was very surprised and asked, "How did you know?"

The shepherd responded, "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of violists. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one violist every hour.

Thank you for reading.


How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo"

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?

How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.

How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)

Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house.

Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was.

"Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time."

There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.

A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.

Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while."

After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.

How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.

A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."

His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"

Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"

Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
Debate Round No. 3
2 comments have been posted on this debate. Showing 1 through 2 records.
Posted by ThunderClap 2 years ago
Thank you! I love instrument jokes especially since I play a lot myself.
Posted by thisisbob 2 years ago
Nice you guys, I really enjoyed it.
2 votes have been placed for this debate. Showing 1 through 2 records.
Vote Placed by TheAntidoter 2 years ago
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Total points awarded:03 
Reasons for voting decision: Overall funnier jokes.
Vote Placed by dtaylor971 2 years ago
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Total points awarded:41 
Reasons for voting decision: PRO had jokes that made me laugh my butt off. Both of them did, actually.