The Instigator
DOB
Pro (for)
Losing
0 Points
The Contender
socialpinko
Con (against)
Winning
12 Points

It's time to stop wearing mittens.

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Post Voting Period
The voting period for this debate has ended.
after 3 votes the winner is...
socialpinko
Voting Style: Open Point System: 7 Point
Started: 3/27/2011 Category: Entertainment
Updated: 5 years ago Status: Post Voting Period
Viewed: 2,481 times Debate No: 15615
Debate Rounds (3)
Comments (4)
Votes (3)

 

DOB

Pro

Mittens keep your hands warm in the most awkward way possible. They have all the functionality of five fingered gloves, save for the functionality part.

First round is acceptance.
socialpinko

Con

Good luck to my opponent and I look forward to an interesting debate. As the first round was for acceptance, I will now wait for my opponent's opening arguments.
Debate Round No. 1
DOB

Pro

Thanks for the debate, SocialPinko

Mittens:

Their only draw is the empathy they grant the wearer when they experience, firsthand, what life is like after a thresher accident. As a species, we are designed for fingers. Small paddles in place of our normally agile appendages is a direct violation of the evolutionary law in place since time immemorial. If one day, while out about your normal pedestrian business, you happened upon a man who had one giant, flat finger and one regular sized thumb, you would be aghast. Why is he like that, you would wonder. What happened to him? Was it a birth defect? Industrial acid accident? Irradiated penguin bite? Whatever the answer, you would come away from the experience knowing one thing and one thing only: That man is forced to live as a mono-fingered monstrosity for the remainder of his days. And you do not envy him.

And yet here you are; buying mittens. You are paying somebody to wind back your evolutionary clock a few million years. Why? There have to be some upsides.

�Let's examine them:

The mitten is very warm. This is true, and it deserves at least that recognition. It is warmer than a glove... in the same way that four naked men in one sleeping bag are much warmer than four men in four separate sleeping bags. But six nights out of seven, we'll choose the separate bags, thank you (Sunday is God's day off; everything is fair game). But, much like the aforementioned Bag O' Dudes, the warmth of the mitten inevitably comes with an expense: sweaty, greasy, disgusting digits. They slide past each other in a sick, squicky and twisted ballet that leaves no victor but shame. But mittens are built to combat cold, right? Screw dignity, function and tactile pleasantness; this is about survival. Mittens protect you from snow, so any price is fair.

Except they don't.
If you pack a snowball with a mitten and throw it, you are only delivering, at best, 80 percent of that snow to the back of your stupid sister's dumb head. Likewise with the next snowball, and the next, until what you're left with is a snow-encrusted flipper in place of a once useful, noble, purposeful hand. A mitten is to snow as a pimp is to hos; it always takes its cut. With a glove, you can wiggle fingers, stretch the hand or use your free digits to carefully wipe away the accumulation. With a mitten, the best you can do is dully wave your frost-encaged limbs and hope that the rescuers realize you are in need of help, and not just really stoked to see them.

So what could they be for?

Babies. A baby with mittens on is a fine baby. Look at their moronic little hands. They are basically clubs. Sure, they manage the occasional grip, but that's like a cat getting one claw stuck in a blanket: It is an accident of the body that only serves to confuse and enrage them. A baby's hands do nothing but slap and paw at the things they want, because they do not understand there are ways to acquire necessities aside from hitting (kicking, for example). In short, mittens are fine for a baby because they have little to no effect on their dexterity, and in fact may beneficially limit their presumptuously grasping fingers.

Another possible demographic for the mitten: Dolphins, or possibly Dolphin-men.

The mitten represents pure, unadulterated hydrodynamics. It is only logical to make the connection between mittens and the dolphin. The dolphin can swim quickly primarily because of its thick, paddle-like fins. Fins that look suspiciously like mittens.The argument that dolphins are the descendants of early humans who simply couldn't give up their mittens is a highly logical one, regardless of how many times the scientific community refuses to publish my papers.

I've established the uselessness of gloves by countering all the potential pros it may have, while barely going into it's cons. I even suggested an alternative.
I eagerly await Con's argument.
socialpinko

Con

Evolution
======
Your beginning argument that mittens "wind back your evolutionary clock" is a very confusing one if I might say so. You wrote that we evolved fingers, so to wear a garment which might hinder the extention of our digits goes against our evolutionary history and so you believe that means we should not wear mittens. So what if something goes against evolution. A social Darwinist would say that welfare goes against evolution in that a basic princple is that only the fittest survive. Should we ignore the needs of others in order to let evolution take it's course? I hope you would agree with me that our entire lives should not be dictated by our evolutionary history. Especially something trivial like what kind of hand garment one wears.

Trade-Off
=======

Your next contention is that the trade off one makes when wearing mittens is not worth it.

"The mitten is very warm. This is true, and it deserves at least that recognition. It is warmer than a glove"
"the warmth of the mitten inevitably comes with an expense: sweaty, greasy, disgusting digits"

You contend that the warmth the mittens bring the wearer is cancelled out by giving the wearer sweaty fingers. Not to be nitpicky but you really have to back up this claim before we can even accept that such a trade-off exists. Why do mittens make one's hands more sweaty or greasy than a glove?

Also, even if we are to accept that a trade-off does indeed exist, one could say that the warmth mittens bring is more valueable than the sweaty fingers they may entail. I would certainly prefer sweaty fingers over frostbite or frozen hands. Even if a trade-off exists the benefits would out-weigh the risks.

?
=

Your next argument is incredibly confusing to decipher through. You claim that mittens are used to protect one's hands from the snow, I can agree with this, but that they really don't in that if one makes a snowball while wearing mittens, their snowball will be smaller or less effective as intended.

This of course is not the reason people wear mittens. It is understandable to be in favor of baseball gloves if those gloves help protect one's hand and help to catch baseballs. It is however not understandable to be against say a sock because it does not protect one's hand or help to catch baseballs. One must remember what the intended use is for a product. Mittens are made to keep one's hands warm, not to throw snowballs.

Babies
=====

I am again at a loss as you have just argued in favor of mittens being worn by babies. Your resolution however was that people should stop wearing mittens and as you did not single out any specific group,we may apply this to everyone, including babies.

So, since you conceded that mittens were beneficial to babies who wear them you have conceded your entire argument.

Dolphins
======

I will not seriously respond to this contention in that it was not meant to be serious and does not need to be addressed.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Pro's odd and confusing arguments have all been refuted. I now await my opponent's final round in this debate.
Vote Con
Debate Round No. 2
DOB

Pro

Thanks for the debate.

Babies and Dolphins

I was highlighting how ridiculous mittens were, I'm sorry if you didn't get that. Not so much a contention.

Evolution

It goes against practicality, is what I'm saying. You're agreeing to have a sweaty flipper over five capable fingers in an equally warm �glove. Mittens aren't the only thing out there. Im not only suggesting you don't wear mittens because their unnecessary, but because gloves exist. Why wear them when you have gloves, right there. The only consequence of not wearing mittens is simply that, not wearing mittens. No one needs mittens, we have the more practical gloves.

Would you buy a pair of pants without foot holes at the bottom? No, that minimizes fluid mobility. You realize that is a bad thing, because you haven't taken a shovel blow to the head lately; you are still capable of recognizing that being bipedal is the natural state for a human being. Any item of clothing that seeks to take away that state, is a fundamentally flawed item.

Such is the mitten.

Trade- Off

Would you buy a straight jacket for use in cold weather? It's probably warm. It's like you're hugging yourself, all the time. So why not? Because you know the answer to one simple question: Why do we have straight jackets?
A: To contain the flailing limbs of madness.

The straight jacket eliminates one of the primary advantages we have in the animal kingdom, because the wearer has been deemed too crazy to be allowed those advantages. It is an item of clothing whose primary distinction is the ability to make a human being altogether worse.�

Such is the mitten.

�That is absolutely worse than... what's your defense?" Mittens are warm, if a bit sweaty, so I'll take it"? Well, since gloves exist, that doesn't stand too well. You're restricting yourself for no reason.

Our dexterity is simply and thoroughly crushed by the sheer power of the mitten. It's awe inspiring, really. One small, continuous scrap of fabric has the power to essentially nullify millions of years of natural selection. What can you do about it? Have compassion for the lost souls that knit the mittens; know that they know not what they do. Pity the poor souls afflicted by the wearing of the mitten, and let them hear your gospel so their lives might shine out again. Empathize with the store-owners selling the mitten, and do not hate them, but rather seek to enlighten them so that we might finally move on from this dark age. But most of all, I beseech you: Console the ambidextrous. They have it the worst; twice the demoralization for the same low, low price.

Vote Pro.
socialpinko

Con

Evolution
======
My opponent claims that mittens inhibit free movement of the fingers and are therefore unnecessary in the face of other viable options. I mantain that mittens make your hands warmer than gloves which you have been so ardently defending. No one wewaring mittens is going mountain climbing or doing open heart surgery, how inhibited can mitten make your hands? The consequence of not wearing mittens is not simply that you are not wearing mittens but that your hands may be colder. It is more convenient to wear mittens.

Trade-Off
=======
My opponent now completely disregards the alleged trade-off which he brought up and so we can assume that he conceded that either there is no trade-off or the benefits of wearing mittens outweigh the costs.

My opponent then cites an example of a straightjacket not being suited for cold weather because it was designed for another purpose. This is in essence reinforcing my own contention when I stated that one should not disregard mittens simply because it's harder to throw a snowball as that was not it's designated purpose.

"That is absolutely worse than... what's your defense?" Mittens are warm, if a bit sweaty, so I'll take it"? Well, since gloves exist, that doesn't stand too well. You're restricting yourself for no reason."

You never responded when I asked you to show that gloves did not also make one's hands sweaty as well so wearing gloves as you assume is no guarrantee that your hands will be anyless sweaty.

My opponent has made contentions for why people should stop wearing mittens which have all been refuted. Therefore I urge voters to vote Con.
Debate Round No. 3
4 comments have been posted on this debate. Showing 1 through 4 records.
Posted by reaperdeath 5 years ago
reaperdeath
I was about to bring up the cracked article, but someone beat me to it...
Posted by socialpinko 5 years ago
socialpinko
I took a little offense but it's no biggie. I look forward to your response.
Posted by DOB 5 years ago
DOB
The guys-sleeping-in-bag thing was in no way intended as homophobia. I'd like to apologize if anyone took offense. It's just the way I write.
3 votes have been placed for this debate. Showing 1 through 3 records.
Vote Placed by bradshaw93 5 years ago
bradshaw93
DOBsocialpinkoTied
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Total points awarded:04 
Reasons for voting decision: pro copy and pasted from a cracked article
Vote Placed by Cliff.Stamp 5 years ago
Cliff.Stamp
DOBsocialpinkoTied
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Total points awarded:01 
Reasons for voting decision: http://www.cracked.com/article_18989_why-its-time-to-stop-wearing-mittens-manifesto.html
Vote Placed by Korashk 5 years ago
Korashk
DOBsocialpinkoTied
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Total points awarded:07 
Reasons for voting decision: Pro pretty much plagarized the entirety of what he wrote from an article on Cracked.