The Instigator
brian_eggleston
Pro (for)
Losing
3 Points
The Contender
socialpinko
Con (against)
Winning
12 Points

Jen (the girl out of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) would beat Jesus in a fight

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Post Voting Period
The voting period for this debate has ended.
after 4 votes the winner is...
socialpinko
Voting Style: Open Point System: 7 Point
Started: 4/20/2011 Category: Entertainment
Updated: 6 years ago Status: Post Voting Period
Viewed: 2,101 times Debate No: 16061
Debate Rounds (2)
Comments (8)
Votes (4)

 

brian_eggleston

Pro

In this debate we will consider two fictional characters: Jen out of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Jesus out of the Bible and argue who would emerge victorious in a violent confrontation.

Here's the scenario. The year: 1779; the location: Eastern China.

Jesus has returned to Earth to persuade the locals in Manchuria to reject Buddha's teachings and to worship his father instead. To this end, he enters a restaurant in order to convert the diners inside, and he starts mouthing off about how great his dad is.

"He has no equal either in Heaven or on the Earth" boasts Jesus, "It is He who possesses all wisdom and all light. It is to Him you must address yourselves to be consoled in your sorrows."

Then Jen, the beautiful daughter of a Manchurian aristocrat, coolly looks up from her tea and says "You're talking out of your arse, you are. My dad's Governor Yu, the most powerful man in the entire province, whereas nobody's even heard of your dad. Where does he live?"

"He resides in calm and silence, alone in immortality, dwelling in the light." replies Jesus.

"Where the fvck is ‘immortality'?" asks Jen, "I've never heard of the place. Is it near Peking?"

"No," replies Jesus, "I mean, my father is God and Father of everything, the invisible One."

"He's invisible?" asks Jen, "What the fvck are you talking about? Are you trying to say he's an absent father?"

"No!" replies Jesus, "Well yes, sort of - I was actually brought up by my other dad, but never mind that, the point is He is the Great Creator and has not shared His power with any living being and it is He who possesses all wisdom and all light, not your father."

"What? Are you dissing my dad?" asks Jen, outraged, "Are you having a fvcking pop at my old man?"

With that, Jen gets up, marches over to Jesus, jabs her finger in his chest and says "Nobody disrespects my family, especially not some beardy little gobshite like you. Come on, outside right now, I'm going to avenge this grievous insult – using any weapon you choose."

"No, I don't fight girls." says Jesus.

"Ch-ch-ch-chicken!" goads Jen, and everybody in the restaurant laughs at Jesus, who blushes with embarrassment and rage.

Now, as we know, Jesus fancies himself as a bit of a tough guy because in an act of premeditated violence (which, if committed today, would see him prosecuted for criminal damage and possession of offensive weapon) he made a whip of small cords and he drove all the merchants out of the temple and poured out the foreign exchange traders' money, and overthrew their tables. (John 2:15)

So, Jesus accepts Jen's offer of a fight, and followed by the customers of the restaurant, they go outside to settle the matter.

Well, there you have it: the scenario is set. Now here's my argument.

Jen would win the fight, no matter which of the locally-available weapons Jesus chose to use, whether it be swords, staffs, knives or whips, because she was trained in the use of them all and there is no record of Jesus ever having learned how to use any martial arts' weapons.

Furthermore, although Jesus has special powers, Jen can still do almost anything he can. She can walk (or at least run) on water and she can ascend high in the air (not quite as far as Heaven, but high enough for a fight).

In fact, the only thing that she can't do that Jesus can is to make loaves and fishes appear as if from nowhere, but what use is that sort of trick in a fight?

No, there is no doubt in my mind that Jen out of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon would beat Jesus in a violent confrontation.

Thank you.
socialpinko

Con

I concede to my very able opponent that Jesus and all of his magical powers are works of fiction as is Jen and all of her skills. Now my opponent has set up this debate very well and has only made one mistake. However it will be this one mistake which will be his(and Jen's) undoing. Refer if you will to my opponent's R1 opening argument.

//"In fact, the only thing that she(Jen) can't do that Jesus can is to make loaves and fishes appear as if from nowhere, but what use is that sort of trick in a fight?"//

Now whatever Jen can do, incuding all of her skills, Jesus can also do as he is super special magic as is written in the Bible(I concede that it is entirely fiction but that point is moot in this debate). So whatever Jen can do, Jesus can simply stop by using his powers including but not limited to:

Flying, breathing underwater, coming back to life, miracles, being born of a virgin, heat vision, super strength, web slinging powers, super intelligence, need I go on?

Besides all of these as I pointed out earlier my opponent has already conceded that Jen does not possess the ability to makes loaves of bread and fish appear out of nowhere. So Jesus can simply block all of Jen's powers, abilities, and skills with his powers which we may assume can be completely equal to her own, and then while countering all of her abilities, Jesus creates massive land breathing sharks to eat Jen up and as she attempts to evade the sharks, Jesus turns her into a large piece of bread and subsequently feeds her to the sharks.

As we can see while Jen may be a very powerful opponent, non compare to the awesome strength of our heavenly father.
Debate Round No. 1
brian_eggleston

Pro

I would like to thank my Socialpinko for accepting this challenge to debate the hypothetical outcome of a fight between two imaginary people.

In his response, my opponent hypothesised that "Jesus creates massive land- breathing sharks to eat Jen up and as she attempts to evade the sharks, Jesus turns her into a large piece of bread and subsequently feeds her to the sharks."

Okay, I've got no problem with Jesus creating the sharks, or with Jen being eaten by one of them – he was good at doing magic tricks with fish, but that Jen could be bread when fed to the sharks just isn't plausible.

Firstly, the textbooks tell us sharks "can detect one drop of blood in 25 gallons of water and can smell blood a � mile away".

http://www.enchantedlearning.com...

They don't say sharks ‘can detect a crumb of bread in 25 gallons of water and can smell a toasted bagel a � mile away' do they?

And, in the film Jaws, the shark was after the fishermen's blood, not the fishermen's sandwiches, wasn't it?

Furthermore, people who get eaten by sharks do not, generally speaking, deserve their fates for making the elementary mistake of going swimming with burger buns stuffed inside their swimwear, right?

Secondly, Jesus doesn't even have the power to turn Jen into a loaf of bread. Please consider the comprehensive list of remarkable feats performed by Jesus reproduced hereunder.

1 Changing water into wine
2 Healing of the royal official's son
3 Healing of a man possessed by a demon in Capernaum
4 Healing of Simon Peter's mother-in-law
5 Healing the sick during the evening
6 Catching a large number of fish
7 Healing a leper
8 Healing a centurion's servant
9 Healing a paralyzed man
10 Healing a withered hand
11 Raising a widow's son
12 Calming the stormy sea
13 Healing the Gerasene demon-possessed man
14 Healing a woman with internal bleeding
15 Raising Jairus' daughter
16 Healing two blind men
17 Healing a mute man possessed by a demon
18 Healing a man who was crippled for 38 years
19 Feeding 5000 men and their families
20 Walking on water
21 Healing of many in Gennesaret
22 Healing a demon-possessed girl
23 Healing a deaf man with a speech impediment
24 Feeding the 4000 men and their families
25 Healing a blind man in Bethsaida
26 Healing a man born blind
27 Healing a boy possessed by a demon
28 Catching a fish with a coin in its mouth
29 Healing a blind and mute man who was possessed by a demon
30 Healing a woman with an 18 year infirmity
31 Healing a man with dropsy
32 Healing 10 men suffering from leprosy
33 Bringing Lazarus back to life
34 Healing Bartimaeus of blindness
35 The withering fig tree that produced no fruit
36 Restoring a severed ear
37 Catching of the 153 fish

http://www.aboutbibleprophecy.com...

You can clearly see, apart from healing people, catching fish and generally messing about with water, the only other remarkable feat Jesus performed was to curse a fig tree to death.

At no point did Jesus turn any fornicators, homosexuals, blasphemers, oxen-coveters or aggressive Chinese girls into loaves of bread, or any other type of bakery product for that matter.

So, while one of Jesus' land-sharks might eat Jen, she would still be human when they did.

Now, as Jesus' fellow Bible celebrity, Jonah, would confirm, people who get eaten by big fish as a punishment get spat out when God decides they have learned their lesson.

That would give Jen the opportunity to track Jesus down and when she finds him, she'll kick his holier-than-thou arse into the back end of next week - no matter how many disciples he has to protect him: the embedded YouTube clip proves that the water-walking, fish-catching, sick-healing prophet and his ecclesiastical henchmen would never be a match for Jen's invincible fighting capabilities.

The result? Jen wins and Jesus has to be teleported back up to Heaven.

We can only guess at how the conversation with his exasperated father would go but I can imagine a chastened Jesus explaining the matter along these lines:

"Yes Father, I know I'm back before I have completed my task of enlightening the whole of humanity but there was this young girl and…yes, I know, but she was a real tough cookie, and anyway, I accidentally insulted her dad and we had this fight and, well, anyway, I've had to come back to Heaven early…sorry about that, but as I said the last time, it won't happen again."

Please vote Pro.

Thank you.
socialpinko

Con

//"Okay, I've got no problem with Jesus creating the sharks, or with Jen being eaten by one of them – he was good at doing magic tricks with fish, but that Jen could be bread when fed to the sharks just isn't plausible."//

My opponent has cited only one problem with my argument. He claims that Jen being turned into bread and being fed sharks is implausible.

However wouldn't the very existence of Jesus and him having magical powers be implausible? When dealing with matters of Jesus and his daddy-o god plausibility has to be thrown out the window. Plausibility does not apply to Jesus!

My opponent says that it doesn't make sense that sharks would eat a lady made of bread but remember, through god, all things are possible.

My opponent's claim that my argument does not make sense or that it's implausible all fall into god's higher plan. The fact that Jesus is an underdog will just mean that when he wins, more people will realise how almighty and powerful god is. The fact that my scenario occuring is so implasible merelt demonstrates that it is all part of god's higher plan to attract followers.

Everything makes sense in god's plan.

My opponent next provides a list of miracles which Jesus performed and reasons that because turning people into bread and feeding them to sharks is not on it, Jesus must not be able to do it. However, I will ask my opponent how Jesus performed these miracles. That's right, god gave him the ability to do so. Through god all things are posible. And let me tell you, if Jesus was in danger of getting his @ss kicked, then of course god is going to step in. How many people are going to follow god is he can't even protect his own son?

I have clerly shown that Jesus would be able to ber en as god would back him up. If god's own son gets his @ss kicked by some Asian chick then we are going to see mass conversions to Islam. God isn't going to have that and thus he'll give Jesus the power to send that ldy back to wherever the h3ll she's from.

Voe Con
Debate Round No. 2
8 comments have been posted on this debate. Showing 1 through 8 records.
Posted by m93samman 6 years ago
m93samman
Brian is winning again
Posted by Cliff.Stamp 6 years ago
Cliff.Stamp
She summons the crouching tider which is hidden in the dragon of her wispering eye.
Posted by m93samman 6 years ago
m93samman
"m93samman - Really, you think that is a winning counter?"

tell me, how would Jen get out of that one?
Posted by socialpinko 6 years ago
socialpinko
I know that brian does funny debates. Most of them are actually pretty funny.
Posted by Cliff.Stamp 6 years ago
Cliff.Stamp
socialpinko, all of Brian's debates are of this form, it is intentional and adds a very unique perspective to the site. I was just asking samIam if he thought your answer has the same depth, imagination, effort and humor as Brian's opening.

Note for example the most obvious where Brian has Hesus retain his traditional heavenly hosts diatribe but for some reason Jen now is channeling a fishwife. If for example you had Jesus respond with a corresponding diatribe in coarse brogue as with his temper upset he loses his eloquent speech then that would be a fairly funny response.
Posted by socialpinko 6 years ago
socialpinko
It's a ridiculous answer to a ridiculous debate. If we're assuming Jesus is actually divine then anything can happen.
Posted by Cliff.Stamp 6 years ago
Cliff.Stamp
"Jesus creates massive land breathing sharks to eat Jen up and as she attempts to evade the sharks, Jesus turns her into a large piece of bread and subsequently feeds her to the sharks."

m93samman - Really, you think that is a winning counter?
Posted by m93samman 6 years ago
m93samman
I think social might win this one
4 votes have been placed for this debate. Showing 1 through 4 records.
Vote Placed by brokenboy 6 years ago
brokenboy
brian_egglestonsocialpinkoTied
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Total points awarded:06 
Reasons for voting decision: L
Vote Placed by anarcholibertyman 6 years ago
anarcholibertyman
brian_egglestonsocialpinkoTied
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Total points awarded:03 
Reasons for voting decision: Through God all things are possible. God's not going to stand around and let his son get his a$s kicked.
Vote Placed by Cliff.Stamp 6 years ago
Cliff.Stamp
brian_egglestonsocialpinkoTied
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Total points awarded:30 
Reasons for voting decision: The sharks should have had lazors.
Vote Placed by quarterexchange 6 years ago
quarterexchange
brian_egglestonsocialpinkoTied
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Total points awarded:03 
Reasons for voting decision: The Son of God, if he existed, could certainly defeat a young girl who has very limited superhuman abilities compared to the son of the creator of the Universe. And "Everything makes sense in god's plan", made me laugh.