The Instigator
tennis47
Pro (for)
Winning
4 Points
The Contender
emospongebob527
Con (against)
Losing
1 Points

Jokes!

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Post Voting Period
The voting period for this debate has ended.
after 1 vote the winner is...
tennis47
Voting Style: Open Point System: 7 Point
Started: 12/17/2012 Category: Society
Updated: 3 years ago Status: Post Voting Period
Viewed: 1,111 times Debate No: 28349
Debate Rounds (5)
Comments (2)
Votes (1)

 

tennis47

Pro

No offence to all the blondes reading this, but:

Q. Why did the blonde have trouble in the ladies' bathroom?
A. She wasn't used to pulling her own pants down.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Run, cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!

Q. Why could the blonde do 10+7 on a calculator?
A. She couldn't find the 10 key.

Q. What is the difference between a blonde and a pothole/
A. You swerve to miss a pothole!

A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

Q. How do you make a blonde's brain the size of a pea?
A. You inflate it.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde's brain and a box of rocks?
A. Nothing.

And that's it! :)
emospongebob527

Con

Q: What did one casket say to the sick casket?

A: Is that you coughin'?

A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.

Suddenly, Lorraine died.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

Q: Why did the blonde have trouble in the ladies' room?

A: She is not used to pulling her own pants down.

What's the real punishment for bigamy?
More than one mother-in-law!

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Why did God give women belly buttons?
For somewhere to stash your gum on the way down.

Q: How do you get a German out of the bath?
A: Turn on the water.

Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen?
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

Q: What do you call a gay Jamaican guy?

A: Pokemon.
Debate Round No. 1
tennis47

Pro

Nice jokes ;)

You're so stupid you had to call 411 to get the number for 911.
-*************************-
Q: Why did God create blondes?

A: Because pets can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did God create brunettes?

A: Because the blondes couldn't either.
-******************************-
A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull."

The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on. "If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick."

The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?"

The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."
-*******************-
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
-************-
Q: What did one butt cheek say to the other?

A: Together, we can stop this sh*t.
-*******************-
One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she's going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up.
'Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way 'round the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'
-**************-

Have fun in life, if the world doesn't end today (which I know it won't) ;)
emospongebob527

Con

emospongebob527 forfeited this round.
Debate Round No. 2
tennis47

Pro

Merry Christmas!

Q.How do blondes' braincells die?
A.Alone.
____________________________
Q: What is long and hard to a blonde?

A: Fourth grade
____________________________
Q: A blonde and a brunette jumped off a cliff. Who hit bottom first?
A: The brunette -- the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.
____________________________
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: You put her in a round room and tell her to sit in a corner.

Q: How does a blonde confuse you?

A: She comes out and says she did.
____________________________
Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
____________________________
Q: What comes after 69?

A: Mouthwash.
_____________________________
Q: Why did the blonde run with the bike?
A: It was going too fast for her to get on.
_____________________________

Have a Happy New Year's too! ;)
emospongebob527

Con

emospongebob527 forfeited this round.
Debate Round No. 3
tennis47

Pro

Happy New Year's everyone!

A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull."The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on. "If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick."The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?"

The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."
*****************************
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
*****************************
Q.Why do drunks throw up in the sewer?
A.So homeless people can have breakfast.
*****************************
A husband and wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door. The husband rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's 3:30 a.m. He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there. "Hi ya," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"Get lost," says the man. "It's half-past three."

He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk. She says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man's door? What would've happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

So, the husband gets back out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and calls out, "Hey, do you still want a push?" A voice answers, "Yes, please."

"Where are you?" calls the man.

The stranger replies, "I'm over here -- on your swing set."
************************************
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
*************************
Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you."

The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.

The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die."

The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?"
;)
emospongebob527

Con

emospongebob527 forfeited this round.
Debate Round No. 4
tennis47

Pro

So this new bar opens and the owner can't think of a name. So he decides to name the bar after the 3rd person who walks in. It takes doesn't take long and soon the 3rd customer walks in.
The owner jumps up and walks over to the girl. "You're the 3rd person to enter my bar and I'm going to name it after you."
"Okay," she says, "my name is Jill."
The owner looks her over and says, "I like your legs so I'm going to name the bar 'Jill's Legs'"
The next day a bum is sitting outside the bar and a cop asks him what he's doing. He answers, "Waiting for Jill's Legs to open so I can get a drink!"
-*************************-
Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
A: "I'm soooo drunk."
-************************-
A boy is born without a body, only a head. For his 18th birthday his father, takes him to a bar for a drink.

The father orders his son a scotch and when the boy drinks it, an arm pops out of his head. He drinks another shot and another arm pops out. After the next shot a torso pops out. After more shots, suddenly, he has a whole body.

The boy runs out of the bar and gets hit by a truck, killing him instantly. A drunkard in the corner looks at the father and says, "He should have quit while he was a head."
-*************************-
Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"
-*****************-
A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.

Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"

Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."

Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"

Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."

Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"

Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."
-**************-
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

Happy New Year's everyone! ;)
emospongebob527

Con

emospongebob527 forfeited this round.
Debate Round No. 5
2 comments have been posted on this debate. Showing 1 through 2 records.
Posted by tennis47 3 years ago
tennis47
I'm sorry if you are a blonde, though! No offence intended ;)
Posted by Wishing4Winter 3 years ago
Wishing4Winter
I don't like this debate. Not that I have any personal bias against it or anything...
1 votes has been placed for this debate.
Vote Placed by Azul145 3 years ago
Azul145
tennis47emospongebob527Tied
Agreed with before the debate:Vote Checkmark--0 points
Agreed with after the debate:Vote Checkmark--0 points
Who had better conduct:Vote Checkmark--1 point
Had better spelling and grammar:-Vote Checkmark-1 point
Made more convincing arguments:Vote Checkmark--3 points
Used the most reliable sources:--Vote Checkmark2 points
Total points awarded:41 
Reasons for voting decision: Pro had much better jokes and they cracked me up a bunch of times. Con did not post very much and did not have very good jokes.spelling con for two errors by pro. Conduct to pro because con forfeited.