Round 1 - 2 blond jokes
Round 2 - 3 yo mama jokes
Round 3 - 4 dirty jokes
Round 4 - 3 disgusting jokes
Round 5 - 2 jokes about anything you want
A blonde gets her haircut while wearing a pair of headphones. The hairdresser asks her to take them off, but she protests that she'll die without them.
The hairdresser sighs, and starts cutting the hair around the headphones. Soon, the blonde falls asleep, and the hairdresser removes the headphones. A few minutes later, the blonde collapses, dead on the floor. Alarmed, the hairdresser puts the headphones to her ear and hears, "Breathe in. Breathe out."
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, 'Is that you, Lord?' The voice answered, 'NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.'
You set absolutely no limit on number of jokes so I shall assume it's as many as you want.
Q. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman?
A. Cause you have to hollow out it's head!
Q. Why was the blonde in the tree?
A. Because she was raking up the leaves!
A blonde comes home from a day of shopping and discovers that her house is on fire, so she calls the fire department on her cell phone.
"Please state the nature of your emergency," says the operator.
"Help! My house is on fire!" the blonde replies.
"Okay, where do you live?"
"In a house you silly billy!" the blonde replies.
"No,no! How do we get there?" the operator asks fustratedly.
"Duh! Big Red Truck!!"
One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disney Land. When they saw a sign that said 'Disney Land left' they turned around and went home.
A blonde goes into a Best Buy. She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV - it's a microwave."
A. Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
Q. They think their picture is being taken.
A man was trimming his bushes. His neighbor (the blonde) walks out, checks her mail only to see that it's empty, and goes back inside.
Five minutes later, she comes back out, checks her mail again only to see that it's still empty, and goes back in.
The third time she comes out, the man asks her, "Excuse me, is there a problem?"
The blonde replies, "Darn right there's a problem! My computer keeps on telling me 'I've got mail'!"
A. Why can't Blondes dial 911?
Q. They can't find the 11 on the phone!
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for Winter".
Once there was a blonde who was going to take flying lessons, so she went to the airport to rent a plane. The manager told her there were no planes left so she would have to use a helicopter. So the blonde got in the helicopter and took off. Every 10 miles she checked in with the manager; after the first 10 miles, she said it was a blast. When she reached 20 she told him that she had never seen so many buttons. But when she reached 30 miles she didn't check in so the manager went to rescue her. When he found her he asked her how she crashed. The blonde replied, "It was getting cold so I turned off the big fan."
One day, a blonde went to a ventriloquist show. During the show, the ventriloquist used his "dummy" to make fun of blondes. The crowd roared with laughter, but the blonde was angry.
Outraged, she stood up and said, "How dare you make fun of blondes!"
The ventriloquist replied saying, "Madam, I'm very sorry. But it's just part of the act."
The blonde screamed, "You shutup! I'm talking to the little man on your knee!"
A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.
Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"
The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."
"Comfortable?" the guy questions.
"Yes, you see she reads slow."
Q. What is the fastest way to get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A. Wave at her.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
After leaving a store, a blonde walked out and went up to a soda machine. The blonde put in 50 cents and out popped a coke. She searched her bag for more money. She found some and kept feeding the machine money. Cokes and Sprite and Mountain Dew bottles began rolling down the street.
A young man walked up behind her and watched this for a few minutes. Then he asked, "Can I get one now?"
She whizzed around and yelled, "No way, can't you see I'm winning?"
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows... "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.
When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight.
Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together....the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
This round, 3 yo mama jokes:
Yo' Mama is so dumb, she went to the police station and said, "Give me all your money!"
Yo' Mama is so fat, she tried to jump rope and knocked the Earth out of orbit.
Yo' Mama is so old, her birth certificate expired.
In round1 my opponent never ever said "only two" jokes instead he write this: Round 1-2 blonde jokes.
What would this make you think?
My opponent very inconveniently made me think that in round 1-2, we were doing blonde jokes.
And because you said Round 2-3 yo mama jokes I thought round 2 would be a hybrid round where we did both.
By saying "Round 1-2 blonde jokes" is EXTREMELY misleading what the 2 refers to.
I shall now supply 3 yo mama jokes, as requested.
Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
Yo mama so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.
Yo mama so dumb she tried to sue m&m's for giving her a pack of w's.
A. 69 with 3 people watching!
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"
Once there was this man whose car broke down. He realized after looking for help for 10 minutes that there was a small farmhouse with an old lady sitting on the porch. He told her his unfortunate story and she gladly let him in. But first she told him, 'I have three rules that you mustn't break or I'll see to it that you meet justice! But since talking hurts my throat so much, I won't tell you my rules.'
She let him sleep in the laundry room. He found himself a comfortable pile of old wool sweaters. After puffing his "pillow" he realized that a pair of pants were hanging down from a clothes line over top of his new bed. Seeing that it was no big deal he pulled them down. Instantly the old lady darted into the room and said, 'You broke my first rule!'
He was sent outside to sleep in the donkey's stable. Right beside him was a tiny donkey kicking him so much that he slapped it. In a flash grandma was there: 'You broke the second rule. Watch out.'
He was sent onto the porch to sleep. All of a sudden a big, ugly cat came along and started rubbing all over him. Being allergic to cat hair, he shaved it bald. Here came the grandma. 'You broke the third rule,' she starts, 'I'm calling the cops.'
The cops came and requested a description of what happened. The old lady said, 'That man is a d*** rapist. He pulled down my pants, slapped my a** and shaved my p*ssy!'
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
Lol that last one was funny.
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
A: After they "69ed" they rolled over and sh*t in each other's hair.
Q: What do you call nuts on a wall?
Q: What do you call nuts on your chest?
A: Chest nuts
Q: What do you call nuts on your chin?
A: A penis in your mouth.
Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!"
"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?"
"No," says Johnny. "It's salty."
LatentDebater forfeited this round.
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Agnes
December 15, 1972
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
December 16, 1972
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love, Agnes
December 17, 1972
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
December 18, 1972
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
December 19, 1972
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
December 20, 1972
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
December 21, 1972
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
December 22, 1972
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours! Agnes
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of sh*t. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you! Agnes
December 24, 1972
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy, Agnes
December 25, 1972
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
LatentDebater forfeited this round.
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