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Reverse Euthanasia

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Voting Style: Open Point System: 7 Point
Started: 6/21/2012 Category: Society
Updated: 5 years ago Status: Post Voting Period
Viewed: 4,773 times Debate No: 24382
Debate Rounds (3)
Comments (17)
Votes (3)




Ladies and gentlemen, and ladies, I call your attention tonight to a grave threat, not only to the quality of our lives, but the the very existence of our civilization.

We have been invaded.

Yes, among us, in our very homes, live a breed of sociopathic monsters. These diminutive, misshapen imps have infiltrated our homes, wetting our beds, and eating our food. They insinuate themselves into our lives with callous demands for food and attention, foisting themselves on our misplaced generosity until they are strong enough to kill us.

You undoubtedly have seen them, with their cold eyes and clammy hands. I speak, of course, of the Young Children.

I argue that it is better to implement a policy of Reverse Euthanasia, before it is too late for us all. The wisdom of this policy is both obvious and unmistakeable, and everyone with an ounce of sense can figure it out for themselves. Therefore, I shall spell it out for you.

Very carefully.



Old Fart: Human over child-rearing age; old and smelly. Forgets everything it once knew. Takes a lot of upkeep. Leers at the pretty young nurses.

Kid: Human under child-rearing age; young and smelly. Knows next to nothing, especially at first. Takes a lot of upkeep. A sociopathic monster.

Euthanasia: The culling of unproductive and odorific members of the human race from among the elderly and infirm. Also this:

Reverse Euthanasia (R.E.): The culling of unproductive and eau de terrible members of the human race from among the very young.



1. R.E. is cheaper than education = argument from cost

Nations all over the world spend billions of dollars yearly to educate these little monsters. Eliminating them would completely remove that cost, freeing up capital for more useful purposes. The world economy would enter a golden age, unburdened by the upkeep of the young.

The only reason anyone would vote against this is if they hate the poor.

2. Kids make a lot of noise = argument from convenience

Any parent will back me on this. Things that scream at 3 AM every morning when I have work the next day should be shot, no questions asked.

3. Kids are sick little monsters = argument from morality

Infants are completely self-centered and unreasonable. It's all about them and their needs, and they brook no delays for any reason. In vain the parents try to reason with the child; in vain they explain that the little one has already used all of their finances on diapers and disintegrated vegetables, and that the rest of the family is now starving because of them. Young children don't care about anyone else.

In adults, we call this sociopathy, and we lock sociopaths up for committing excesses. Somehow we are supposed to ignore this behavior from children?

4. Adults aren't any better = see 3

You may say to me, "Chrys, it gets better. They grow up to become adults. They don't stay children forever." And you'd be right. If given the chance, they DO grow up. This is my point exactly.

The adults are at least as bad, if not worse, than they were as children. Here is a list of example adults, chosen at random from among the approximately eight billion people who have ever lived:

Wilma, Hitler, Stalin, Bob, Mao, Charlie.

Five out of six individuals chosen from the entire human race are mass-murderers! Anyone who can still believe any humans are worth keeping is as bad as they are!

You like children? You think they are cute? You are a mass-murderer.

If that wasn't enough, I have quality video evidence of the brutal character of adult humans. Please view the videos for three reasons why children should not be allowed to grow up:

5. Old Farts are old. And fart. And forget everything they ever learned, wasting their expensive eductions = see 1 and 2

Why spend all that money educating the young, when they will forget it ALL in 60 years? Even potty training goes out the window, sometimes literally; and when that happens, it makes one wonder: Why bother in the first place?

6. Better to get rid of them early.


On the side, I have a stellar little argument from Utilitarian ethics:

Argument from Utilitarianism:
Humans cause suffering for untold billions of other creatures.
Humans cause extinction for thousand of entire species.
The greatest good for the greatest number requires human extinction.
Reverse Euthanasia is an easy, safe, and effective means to secure the greatest good.


Now that I have you all convinced, a word about the Ideal Age For Termination:


Thank you, thank you.

Reasons for early elimination:
a. Lowest cost
b. Least emotional attachment on the part of the parents ("Eww! Take that slimy thing out of our sight!" *gunshot*)
c. The ability to resist is at its lowest.
d. Definitively prevents teen pregancies
and last, but not least,
e. A good hospital staff can eliminate all three parties at the birth, ridding the world of another interloper and the breeding couple. This is a net win.

More benefits of early reverse euthanasia:

a. Eliminates STDs. War on AIDS = over.
b. Cures/prevents cancer.
c. World peace.
d. ?
e. Profit.

Thank you all. I thank my worthy opponent. I thank her mother. I thank the audience, the jury, the judges, and my parole officer. I thank the US Congress, and all the international diplomatic bodies that have contributed nothing at all to this debate.

I post this debate with my thanks.


I thank my esteemed opponent for inviting me to this debate which might discern the best overall consequences for the greatest number. I’ve accepted this debate because I cannot stand to let well-intentioned people misdirect their compassion. Clearly, Reverse Euthanasia is a policy steeped in a light-hearted optimism which has blinded my opponent to the impractical reality of his position. He is seeing the world through rose-colored glasses. I have come here to be his reality check and let him know that his policy is simply a band-aid. It is not a final solution. Though Reverse Euthanasia seems inevitable on the surface, this is only because my opponent has not quite thought this through.

I will offer a much more practical and beneficial policy.

Gracious Voters, I would like to share with you a story of the Fuzzy Babbling Apes.

Once upon a time, there was a small band of Fuzzy Babbling Apes. These Apes traveled great distances on foot searching for food in an indifferent and sometimes hostile wasteland. For thousands of years they did this. Sometimes they were successful, happy, and well-fed. Other times their numbers dwindled frighteningly low for they became diseased and malnourished. They soon threw up their hands and said, “We’re wandering around living by the graces of these offensive and cruel photosynthesizing beings! Enough is enough!” And so they planted seeds. And later on they dug trenches around the seeds. And they put water in the trenches. This, dear readers, is where all the troubles of the world begin. This was, as some call it, the Fall from Grace. The Babbling Apes ate from the Tree of Knowledge and learned the ways of the world which they were formerly at the mercy of. It was all downhill from there, folks. Happiness for the greatest number be damned!

I will argue that the best thing to do to increase happiness for the greatest number is for the Fuzzy Apes to regurgitate the apple they ate from the Tree of Knowledge. That’s right. They need to upchuck it. They must forget all they know about how the world works and once more accept that their lives exist at the indifferent whim of the Earth.


Fuzzy Babbling Ape/Fuzzy Ape: Self-centered control freaks traditionally known as Homo Sapiens

Tree of Knowledge: Knowledge regarding the ways of the Earth. Things like- seed, water, sun will lead to plant which will lead to fruits, veggies, and other animals to eat.

Fall from Grace: A pivotal moment in history occurring somewhere around 10,000 B.C.E. wherein the Fuzzy Apes attempted to take control over that which once controlled them completely- The Earth.

Apple Digestion: The current state of the Fuzzy Apes wherein they have knowledge of the various ecosystems and they exploit at will through various methods ranging from primitive to industrialized.

Apple Regurgitation: The upchucking of the apple which gives humans their magical ability to control what they once perceived God to control- the cycles of the Earth


1. A. R. is cheaper than everything = argument from cost

There is nothing about this that isn’t dirt cheap (ha! get it? *dirt* cheap?). The reason it’s so cost-effective is because economies only exist with surplus. Through A.R. there would be no surplus and therefore no economy.

2. Apple Digestion is a lot of work= argument from convenience

Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking. “But Oryus, there are other ‘costs’ in the world which are not money.” To that I say: A. R. is cheaper in this respect as well. Apple Digestion only makes for more hours of the day which the Fuzzy Apes must work. A. R. makes for the least amount of hours a day which the Fuzzy Apes must work. Very few calories must be used in order to gain their daily calories. As it stands, the Fuzzy Apes toil day in and day out to grow food which would simply grow on it’s own if not for the Fuzzy Apes misguided interference with the Earth.

3. Civilization is a free-wheeling, self-serving beast with no regard for life or happiness=argument from morality

Without Apple Digestion, there can be no civilization. Civilization requires the surplus that Apple Digestion creates. If A.R. is instated as a policy in the world, civilization would fall and thus, Fuzzy Ape numbers would dwindle, creating happiness by the millions for all the animals their atrocious civilization once crushed. Factory farms, zoos, circuses, and fishing boats would be abandoned. Can you just imagine all the cute little smiles on the fishes faces? O, how happy they would be. Also, without civilization, the brutality and number of wars would be greatly reduced as would the extinction of other species.

4. Fuzzy Apes experience happiness too; ignorance is bliss

A.R. does not require the eventual extinction of the Fuzzy Ape species nor does it require that they continue their own violent, self-serving ways. It only requires that they forget how to multiply their numbers by the millions and thus, disperse into smaller, traveling egalitarian groups. So, though their numbers would inevitably dwindle via A. R., whatever Fuzzy Apes remain on Earth will be happy because, as we all know, ignorance is bliss.

5. Fuzzy Apes are happiest in small, egalitarian groups who live relatively stress-free lives

Apple Digestion is a lot of work. Fuzzy Apes who are digesting the most apples do the most amount of work and live some of the most stressful, unhappy lives. Kings of the Fuzzy Apes experience the most stress, aging decades within a mere four years. They are full to bursting with apples. Speaking of Kings, Apple Digestion requires hierarchy. This makes for some very sad Fuzzy Apes. The happiest place to be is not at the bottom of the hierarchy or at the very top, but in the middle which, as you might have heard, isn’t doing so hot right now. The best and most permanent solution for this problem is to abolish the hierarchy altogether and have the Fuzzy Apes live in small, egalitarian groups, who have at least three times as much free time as they have to do work.

6. Apple Digestion is the cause of the vast majority of disease which causes unhappiness

a. Apple Digestion causes surplus. Surplus causes high populations. High populations cause overcrowding. Overcrowding makes for easy transmission of disease. Conclusion: Apple Digestion causes easy transmission of disease.
b. Apple Digestion causes trenches with water being dug around food sources. Food sources must be near Fuzzy Apes. Fuzzy Apes poop where they are. Their poop gets in the water. The water contaminates their food. Conclusion: The Fuzzy Apes eat their own poop, spreading disease.
c. Apple Digestion causes trenches with water being dug. Many parasitic creatures require standing water for their life cycle so they take advantage of the trenches the Fuzzy Apes seemed to have made just for them. Conclusion: The parasitic creatures flock to overcrowded areas of Fuzzy Apes and spread the already bustling diseases brought up in the aforementioned poop chain.

To sum up reasons for Apple Regurgitation:
1. Cheapest thing the Fuzzy Apes could possibly do
2. Requires the least amount of work and thus the greatest amount of happiness
3. Puts an end to civilization which is the source of all problems Fuzzy Apes create for the animal kingdom; greatly decreases the amount of war in the world; ends the Fuzzy Apes continued extinction of species and imprisonment of animals for entertainment, food, and labor
4. Ignorance is bliss
5. Small egalitarian groups are happier
6. Ends Fuzzy Ape aid to parasites, ends easy transmission of disease via overcrowding and cross-contamination
7. Grocery stores are for suckers

Thanks be to my opponent for creating this revolutionary debate which is sure to change the world!
Debate Round No. 1


A note to my skeptics:

I know you are out there. You watch over my shoulder, waiting for me to make a mistake, and then you all shake your heads slowly, as if to say,

"He's done it now. There's no fixing that. It's Siberia for him, poor fellow."

You will doubtless notice in this debate, that neither my worthy opponent nor I are responding point-by-point to each other's arguments. This is not an error. This is not a n00bish mistake, to be repaid in scorn and ashes.

We do this because only sillies would take a critical issue like this and turn into an academic slogfest. We do this because we are smarter than that. You might do that; many of you HAVE done it. You know who you are.

No, what you would see as dropped arguments we see as opportunities for greatness; for our intellects are brighter than yours, our wills are stronger than yours, and our kingdoms are greater than yours. You have no power over us.



Human Liabilities (HL): All children younger than the estimated Educational Cost Break-even point, where the amount already invested in their education is less than 2/3ds of the total estimated cost.

Misery: Anything that results from adopting my opponents plan; extreme unhappiness.

Disaster: My opponent's plan.

Woe: What will happen if my opponent's plan is attempted.

Anguish: See Misery.


I will now compare the benefits of my plan to the costs, the dreadful, catastrophic misery, of her plan.

My plan:

All population replenishment is stopped, and all Human Liabilities are eliminated. This can be done via normal medical and legislative process, and does not require force of arms or any technology not currently in widespread use.

The capital that would normally have gone to feeding, clothing, educating, and otherwise supporting these liabilities would now be free to better society, and will be for the remainder of human history. Women who were saddled with the care of infants could now add to civilization with their other talents; teachers would be free to create, instead of merely pass along the creations of others; poor people who were burdened with numerous offspring would now have a surplus of capital which which to enjoy life.

Humanity would enter a golden age. Prosperity would be universal. The scientific advances, the freedom of all mankind from the henious burden of the young, the surplus of food for the third world, would all spell a new and glorious future for the people of Earth.

And then, slowly, the members of this happy time would grow old and would die happily in their beds, content to have been part of the greatest generation of all history.

Peace would reign supreme over a planet that would remember Man kindly. No more war; no more human disease; no more mass extinctions of harmless flora and fauna. Teenage pregnancies, drunkenness, strife, and graffiti would all come to a final end, and the earth would rest.

Her plan:

Somehow, magically, mankind forgets or is forced to forget everything it knows about agriculture, science, medicine, and everything else that goes along with civilization. I suspect she intends a violent assault on the intelligencia, along with the murder of every farmer on earth.

Such a plan could only be carried out by a tyrannical world dictatorship, ruled by a madman. My opponent, being a madwoman, is probably considering herself in the lead role of this tragedy. The carnage would be prolonged, as no-one would submit to this rape of humanity willingly; but by the magic of ill-thought-out plans she somehow succeeds.

The results can only be horrifying. Deprived of agriculture, 99.999% of humanity will die a slow and agonizing death by starvation. My opponent plans to bunker down in the White House and the adjoining Cathedral of Oryus while the remnants of mankind writhe in anguish on the streets.

The few that remain will soon forget everything mankind has learned over the milennia, exactly as she planned. They will become scavengers, filthy bands of desperate survivors, scarred and haunted by a dying world. Sanitation and comfort will be forgotten; disease and misery the only reality they and their filthy mis-begotten progeny will ever know. Mankind will rise again, but only so far; a dirty race of illiterate cannibals, unhappy, underfed, and hopeless.

Her plan will doom the vast majority of 7 billion people to a terrible and painfully slow death, and the few survivors of her malice will never, never, never recover. It would be kinder to them and their descendants if she had killed them, too.

If I have to spell out the problems with this plan, I will lose all faith in the members of this site.

I return this debate to my malevolent opponent, wishing her the best of luck.



Thanks to my opponent for his well thought-out response. It is true. Our intellects are brighter than yours, our wills stronger, and our kingdoms greater. There is no power stronger than ours.
My opponent has offered a plan for which he must take all of your children. Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, he would fight his way there to your homes in your cities and take your children as if you had stolen them from him. He would do so with an army of goblin-like soldiers, and he would probably do so while wearing a large, threatening codpiece and sporting a flamboyant mullet... and nobody likes mullets. No, liking mullets ironically doesn’t count.


Garden of Eden: State of perfect human interaction with the Earth which creates the least amount of harm to all sentient beings and the most amount of happiness for the greatest number of sentient beings.

Dystopia: State of humanity deemed necessary by my opponent wherein adults kill children in cold blood, execution style, etc etc. in addition to their continued dreadful extinction, imprisonment, and torture of various different species, encouragement of parasites and disease transmission, poverty, longest possible workdays, and whatever other horrible things you’re thinking right now or have ever thought of with the worst possible connotation via civilization’s existence.


Part I: Dystopia

“All population replenishment is stopped, and all Human Liabilities are eliminated. This can be done via normal medical and legislative process, and does not require force of arms or any technology not currently in widespread use.”

My opponent has stated here that getting rid of Human Liabilities will not require a force of arms. Though, it is clear that killing Fuzzy Ape spawn does require a force of arms. I’m not sure what to make of this contradiction so I will simply say this: kerfluffle. My opponents plan would lead to a dystopian future of parents going underground to escape the hordes of children-killing contractors sent in by the government for the “greater good.” I think there is a sci-fi movie about that already. It’s called “Bladerunner”...... but with hollow-eyed children instead of distraught androids which are the targets of the drugged and and misguided Bladerunners.

In the following paragraphs, my opponent states the benefits to civilization which would ensue given the early deaths of children. But the main problem with this can be summed up in the following simple equations:

benefits to civilization=detriments to the world

surplus of food for the third world=more sex and more children and (so, according to his plan) more murder. To think that sex and childbirth will happen at a slower rate than that of ending Human Liabilities is yet another glaring example of the way my opponent views the world: through rose-colored glasses.

Prosperity of society=damage to overall happiness as it encourages the opposite of the items listed at the end of my last round

My opponent has also stated that “Peace would reign supreme” in his plan. This is more evidence of my opponents naive optimism, for animals war all the time. You cannot escape it. But when civilization is ended, there will be the least of it. You cannot end all war, you can simply get rid of what causes it the most. In the case of the Fuzzy Apes, it is the selfish, controlling harboring of resources as well as the insane, phobic urge to live sedentary lifestyles.

Dystopia is a band-aid. It is not a final solution. This would lead to a great degree of pain and anguish in the short term and no greater happiness in the long-term. It would simply be a case of the Fuzzy Apes adding another species to the list of species they have caused to be extinct. In this case, it would be themselves. But another species need not die at the hands of these selfish creatures!!


Part II: The Garden of Eden

My plan would lead to the Garden of Eden in time, where humans live in groups they are most biologically suited to live in- egalitarian, traveling bands- living stress-free, disease-free, poverty-free, war-free, burden-free, other-negative-things-free lives.

My opponent states that “99.999% of humanity will die” to reach the Garden of Eden. This is not quite true. A great number will be lost, of course, but not quite that much. Anyway, a great number of humanity being killed off is precisely what is needed no matter what. My opponent acknowledges this fact. However, in his plan, 100% of humanity will eventually die. You see, that small percentage of humanity left standing in my plan will be sentient beings who can be happy thus, the greatest amount of happiness for the greatest number. The Garden of Eden will last much longer than the short, alleged “Golden Age” my opponent is proposing. What he means to say is “Dystopia” but I don’t mean to get wrapped up in semantics here. You, gracious voters, know precisely what he means.

Allegedly, my opponent does not believe in magic. It is true. He has never known a young girls heart, where the music can free her whenever it starts. He doesn’t respect magic because what he aims to do, dear readers, is end the very beating of young girls hearts-and young boys for that matter. It’s not that he doesn’t believe in magic, it’s that he wishes it were gone from this Earth. I would assert that he should believe in the magic contained in rock n roll, but it would be futile to attempt to explain it as everyone knows you can’t explain rock n roll to a stranger. Though I assure you, it’ll free your soul. Believe in the magic of a young girls soul. Believe in the magic of rock n roll. I’m talking about magic.

In addition, my opponent seems to forget another important source of the power of magic and voodoo- the babe. The many babes he will have ripped from their consciousness contain the dance magic he so abhors. They have the power. No amount of reasoning will change his jealousy of babes and young children for their magic is strong. He also uses a lot of ad hominems, but his blindly optimistic view toward this is unsettling.

Now that I have clearly established the premise that magic exists, I will let you know that no, no horrifying dictatorship will be necessary to will Apple Regurgitation into reality. Magic is all that is necessary. Magic cannot exist in his plan, however, because my opponent is an evil sorcerer who wishes to rid the world of it's innocent sources of magic in an attempt to maintain control himself, preferably from the center of some kind of intractible network of stone walls which he uses to confusingly lure his young prey.

Lastly, is starvation really that bad? I don’t think so. In light of the disease, parasites, extinction, wars, homicide, and systematic extinction of the human race, starvation for a small period, for only one part of one species, leading up to the Garden of Eden for all of eternity, is clearly the superior choice. Sacrifices must be made no matter what. That is what my kind-hearted opponent seems to deny.

Anyone who votes for my opponent is a bleeding-heart liberal with no sense of justice, morality, or rationality. That or one of his goblin-like sidekicks.

Vote Pragmatism. Vote Con.
Debate Round No. 2


This debate has been a challenge for me.

Not, I admit, in anyway related to my opponent's ability to argue her case. Her pitiful arguments have been simplicity itself to dispose of; no, I refer instead to a more serious issue.

Am I wrong?

If these people could wish this horrible death on themselves, if anyone could seriously consider inflicting death by starvation on the entire world, if my malevolent opponent could find support on this site for her beliefs, what am I doing stopping her? Where does that leave my faith in mankind?

This thought rocked me to my core. What have I become, my dear friends? Everyone I know goes away in the end; who am I to stop them, if they choose the most painful way possible?

And then I realized this was exactly what she wanted me to think. Her diabolical plan was not just to win this debate, but to cause me to doubt the very basis of modern civilization and join her in tearing it down. She wants me to watch the world burn and set the air on fire.

The thing is, she hasn't the faintest idea what starvation feels like. She's an uptown girl, and she's been living in an uptown world. She's completely disconnected with reality. She's planning on having fun, fun, fun when hunger takes daddy away, and she has no empathy with the pain that will be involved.

I'd like to make it clear that I have no tolerance for the kind of malicious thinking that would condemn anyone to a miserable and painful death, let alone seven billion people. She may have had a bad day, but I don't want to hear no carrying's on. Just because she kicks up the leaves and the magic is lost doesn't mean she should take it out on the world.

Depression is a very real problem; one that affects millions of people every day. May I assure my opponent that I know what she is going through, and I feel for her. When your blue skies fade to gray, your passion's gone away, you stand in the line just to hit a new low, and you're faking a smile with the coffee to go; it becomes almost impossible to face the world and say, "My life's been way off line, I'm falling to pieces every time; but it's not your fault, and tomorrow will be better."

Yes, tomorrow will be kinder for you, my miguided opponent. It's true; I've seen it before. A brighter day is coming your way.

While I hate to play the worn-out "Disregard everything she said; she just forgot to take her lithium" card, it's the only way to explain what she said. If she were not hurting inside so much, she could never propose such a vicious plan; and, in fact, would heartily support mine. Many's the time that we've discussed this over the breakfast table; and I've noticed that on the days she takes her medications, all is well, and she has nothing but goodwill towards mankind. Roll out the barrel, let the good times roll, and all that. At such times, she's all for reverse euthanasia and a Golden Age for mankind.

When she misses a day, though, even I have to stay out of the house. This should tell you something, gentle voter. She's not herself today. Don't be too harsh, but it's best not to encourage her when she gets into these states.

She'll understand when you lock up your guns and vote against her suicidal plans. It's better than the alternative, you know. She knows the rules, and so do I. A full commitment; that's what I'm thinking of; you wouldn't get that from any other guy. And if you ask me how I'm feeling, don't tell me you're too blind to see; I never want to give her up or let her down, but she cannot be allowed to run around and hurt people.

I do care, you see.

To address the specifics of the debate:


Her plan is to brainwash the entire planet by evil magic, leading to world-wide chaos, mob-violence over the rapidly-dwindling food supplies, and mass-starvation of seven billion people.

Mine is to use modern medicine in the form of drug-based sterilizations, abortions, and anesthesia-based eliminations to stop reproduction and gently eliminate the resource-hogging youngest members of the species.

My plan is far simpler, kinder, and involves no violence whatsoever.


Her plan yields short-term pain for the entire human race on a scale never-before seen, and then condemns the handful of survivors to a life in the most miserable state imaginable; constantly exposed to the elements, forced to scavenge for what little food can be found, always hungry, always in danger from predatory animals, always at the mercy of the strongest men, plagued with violence, ridden with diseases, without even the most rudimentary shelter or sanitation - these unclean, unhealthy, unhappy wretches would be trapped forever in the darkness of ignorance.

My plan yields an immediate windfall of resources freed for better uses, with the natural result of greater prosperity for the useful members of society. All mankind would flourish in that bright generation; with scarcity all but eliminated, war would be pointless, and politics meaningless. The process of Reverse Euthanasia would be both painless and unobtrusive; it would be a part of the medical practice, worked in whenever people visited their doctors or the hospital. Sterilization and abortion are simple matters these days; death by anesthesia is just like falling asleep. In that regard, and in all others, my plan is far kinder than my opponents.

True, we both bring happiness to the other species on earth; but where mine is a permanent solution, hers only gets rid of the currently living people, leaving a remnant who may very well expand to fill the earth again and drive the remaining species into extinction. Her plan causes immeasurable pain, and doesn't even offer a final solution to the problem.

My final words on this matter:

Gentle voters, do not give up on civilization too soon. So many times it happens too fast; you trade your passion for glory. Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past. You must fight just to keep them alive.

And that's what it's all about, isn't it? That's the ethical way to live, the civilized way; we do what we must, because we can, for the good of all of us (except those who are dead).

Vote for sanity. Vote for the Golden Age. Vote Pro.

This has been a good debate. Think of all the things we've learned for the people who are still alive.

And believe me, I am still alive.


There’s someone, in this very room, who can’t grasp the detrimental impact civilization has on the happiness of all sentient beings in this world- someone whose name rhymes with Frisippus. Now, I’m not going to disclose the name as that would be in bad taste, but let’s just say this guy’s brain-hamster is ill-equipped.

My opponent is, no doubt, extremely superstitious as well as optimistic to a fault. I’ve proven this to be true. He seems to think of my policy as some sort of “evil magic.” But with my plan, I’ve got everything you need, satisfaction guaranteed. And that’s an invitation to make a reservation for my magical mystery tour. It’s hoping to take you away. You see, this is magic of the best kind. In the first video, you’ll find the way the world will sound when my policy is instated. With the following video, you’ll find the way the world will sound when my opponents policy is instated. You don’t want to hear the garbage of Dystopia forever. I’m glad you’re with me on this.

As my opponent hypocritically directs you to do, you should: “doubt the very basis of modern civilization.” Here he’s shown he secretly knows that with his plan, you’d be left with the emptiest of feelings. We’re all just disappointed people, clinging onto bottles. And if his plan were to be instated, we’d be so, so disappointed- let down and hanging around. We’d be crushed like a bug in the ground. So I advise my readers, please, don’t get sentimental. It always ends up drivel. The time is right for The Garden of Eden- where The Fuzzy Apes and all other living species may live in harmony once more forever.

And he’s right. I do not know what starvation feels like. But he doesn’t know what being shot in the face feels like either. So we’re even there. However, starvation is not inevitable in the recreation of the Garden of Eden. The magical mystery tour that will go round the world will assuredly solve the starvation. I'm definitely 100% sure I heard them mention it. They’d also pass out free birth control and teach sex education. The population would slowly dwindle. But my opponent didn’t consider this. He had to be the big shot. He had to open up his mouth. He had to have the last word and he thinks he knows what everything is about. Well, he sure did put on a show, but this isn’t about the white-hot spotlight, Chrysippus. This is about the fate of the world. It’s not just some piddly little debate that you can wise-asss your way through.

In an amazing feat of idiocy which disturbs me deeply, my opponent continues to believe that a short time of peace and prosperity, which he dishonestly refers to as the “Golden Age for mankind,” is better than an eternal Garden of Eden for all sentient beings- mankind included.

Age=Miniscule amount of time
Garden of Eden=For everybody
Age for mankind=only for mankind

So, you see, my opponent simply doesn't understand the meaning behind what he says nor the meaning behind what I say nor does he know anything of the crunch. In fact, I would go so far as to say he knows nothing of the crunch. So there's that to take into consideration. As for his confusion, please don't mind him. It is only once in a great while that my misguided opponent forgets to take his alzheimers meds. It is the highlight of his day after all. So let us base our votes not on the decrepit man who presents himself as the harbinger of doom, but on the arguments, which give me the upperhand regardless.

DDO, I beg of you, if you’re not convinced by now, you’ll be among the first to go. So get your act together- not just for me- but for yourself, dears. For yourselves. I care for your well-being very much so in an effort to save your lives, I’ll give you a few more reasons why you should disregard my opponents profoundly ignorant policy:
1.) To give you some background on the first time I met Chrysippus, I realized early on that he was actually somewhat into “magic” himself. But not the good kind. More the menacing, stoic kind. So you should take what he says with a grain of salt. It was a cold late night so long ago when I was not so strong, you know. A pretty man came to see me- never seen eyes so blue. I could not run away. It seemed we’d seen each other in a dream. It seemed like he knew me- he looked right through me. “Come on home, girl,” he said with a smile. Try to understand. Try, try, try to understand: He’s a magic man. His witchcraft is not to be believed. Don’t fall for his wily tricks.
2.) Eternity of happiness via Garden of Eden>Age of Meh via Hellish Dystopia
3.)See above^
4.)Let it sink in
6.) Vote Con

By now it should all be making sense to you. I can just imagine you now, staring at this screen, nodding your head knowingly-It makes perfect sense. Why didn’t I think of it before?-and you all reach for the “Big Issues” button to make sure that yours is set to CON Reverse Euthanasia, PRO Eternal Garden of Eden Happy Fun Time For All Sentient Beings Forever and Ever. You see I’m gonna love you forever and ever. Forever and ever, Amen. I’m just lookin out for you. So when I say that The Garden of Eden is the best plan, it’s the best plan.

And now you also realize, my opponent is not all there. He’s bananas, crackers, screwy. He’s deranged, disturbed, and, not slightly, but fully off his rocker. His body is irrefutably separate from his rocking apparatus. Dear Voters, he is not sound of mind. I’ve never even heard of lithium.

A vote for Con is a vote for Eternal Happiness, nothing more, nothing less.
Don’t be like my opponent. Don’t be... One of the First.

Debate Round No. 3
17 comments have been posted on this debate. Showing 1 through 10 records.
Posted by Liberals 3 years ago
Lol this is hilarious
Posted by Oryus 5 years ago
Chrysippus: "Ladies and gentlemen, and ladies, I call your attention tonight to a grave threat, not only to the quality of our lives, but the the very existence of our civilization."

Oryus: "I thank my esteemed opponent for inviting me to this debate which might discern the best overall consequences for the greatest number."
Posted by bossyburrito 5 years ago
I don't even know what this debate was about.
Posted by Chrysippus 5 years ago
Plus, I'm completely laughing at the fact that we've had three "votes" and no points awarded.
Posted by Chrysippus 5 years ago
Come on, vmpire; there are plenty of legit arguments in there. Just because the last round is purely appeal to emotions and pop culture references does not negate the validity of the previous madness.
Posted by Oryus 5 years ago
What a disrespectful attitude toward the fate of the world you have, vmpire. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Posted by vmpire321 5 years ago
lol, should I try to vote?
Posted by Oryus 5 years ago
Posted by bossyburrito 5 years ago
This was a triumph...
Posted by Oryus 5 years ago
I laughed so hard.
3 votes have been placed for this debate. Showing 1 through 3 records.
Vote Placed by vmpire321 5 years ago
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Reasons for voting decision: Complete BS is bs. =/
Vote Placed by InVinoVeritas 5 years ago
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Reasons for voting decision: Sort of reminds me of "A Modest Proposal"... Lol.
Vote Placed by bossyburrito 5 years ago
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Reasons for voting decision: Big Shot and the MMT counteract Still Alive, Uptown Girl, and Never Gonna Shoot You Up and causes the Earth to explode, sending the debris 'Across the Universe' resulting in an EPIC TIE!!!