SANTA VS. JESUs
Debate Rounds (3)
This round is meant for acceptance.
BoP is obviously shared.
make good choices.......
Jesus would own Santa. Outright. There is no way the son of the omnipotent creator of the universe, who is also himself, would let a freaky reigndeer loving jolly-good steal the hearts of children away, IN HIS OWN SEASON. We’re celebrating his birth, right? So who in the blue-blazes cares about Santa?
Answer: Everyone! I see him everywhere. I even see people sitting on his lap at virtually every mall I go to when I’m shopping for heels.
So I’m going to clear a few things up for everybody. Jesus is going to straight OWN Santa.
First, Jesus is going to take a measly fish and a loaf of bread and magically turn it into 5 billion baskets of bass and marbled rye. To feed the poor? Nope. He’s going to fly around Jamming these baskets into every Chimney he sees on Christmas Eve. Don’t worry about it, he’ll have enough time. He’s Jesus. Santa won’t even know what hit him. What’s Santa going to do? Ring the doorbell and walk through the front door, waking everyone up and ruining his magical element of holiday mystery?
Probably. Santa can’t just not give these kids their presents and coal. But don’t worry, Jesus has a plan.
Jesus is magically going to clone himself 5 billion times and crucify himself in every living room Santa enters. This way, Jesus will die for the sins of all the children Santa wants to give presents to. Not just the kids who get coal. From Jesus’s point of view, all kids are evil unless they CHOOSE to believe his sacrifice. And what not a better demonstration of his love than to crucify himself on Christmas Eve in everyone’s living room? Santa won’t know what hit him.
But there’s a problem. Santa is an atheist. There’s no way someone becomes the secular embodiment of a widespread dogmatic, bigoted fundamental belief system without a little logic on their side. Santa knows theres simply no evidence for these sacrifices. Because guess what? The only proof Jesus provides that he was sacrificed in your living room is a 12 page, anonymous gospel from the seventies, handwritten in Hebrew from a stolen copy originally written in Greek. So Santa magically writes 5 billion plagarized copies of The God Delusion and slips them in every kids stocking. Santa lays the Christmas cheer on thick.
Finally, however, Jesus knew this would happen. Jesus had a plan because he can see the future and all future events. Jesus is omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient. Therefore he knew Santa would be an atheist and knew Santa wouldn’t let his 5 billion sacrifices ruin his holiday plans. So Jesus saves his best trick for last. Jesus magically resurrects himself 5 billion times and magically converts 5 billion cups of water into 5 billion cups of 190 proof Everclear vodka. Double whammy. This is water into wine: REDUX. Jesus then slips the Everclear into every glass of eggnog he sees next to the Christmas cookies laid out for Santa to eat. Santa doesn’t pass up eggnog. Long story short, Santa drank all the eggnog.
Praise Jesus... or he'll send you to hell.
10. Santa does not endorse any political candidates or parties.
9. If you"re bad, Santa gives you a lump of coal, he doesn"t try to turn you into one.
8. Santa comes to town riding a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer; Jesus comes to town riding someone else"s @ss, which seems to have become a tradition among some of his followers, by the way).
7. Jesus says he loves little kids, but Santa actually lets them sit in his lap.
6. Santa doesn"t spend all his time obsessing over how other people have sox.
5. Santa can run his whole enterprise, year after year, without begging for donations.
4. Some of history"s worst atrocities and injustices have been committed by people who believe in Jesus, but NONE of them have been committed by people who believe in Santa.
3. You don"t have to devote your life to figuring out a collection of 66 books full of obscure, archaic, and contradictory teachings"Santa is satisfied if you"re just reasonably good most of the time.
2. Santa cares enough to come back every year.
1. Santa saves you from H+ll. by not creating it in the first place. Duh
And Santa delivers the presents, meaning Santa is better.
MartinKauai forfeited this round.
MartinKauai forfeited this round.
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