The Instigator
Whitedoveaz
Con (against)
Tied
0 Points
The Contender
officialkwade
Pro (for)
Tied
0 Points

Should a husband with no kids help wife's grown up child?

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Voting Style: Open Point System: 7 Point
Started: 7/2/2015 Category: People
Updated: 1 year ago Status: Post Voting Period
Viewed: 318 times Debate No: 77223
Debate Rounds (4)
Comments (4)
Votes (0)

 

Whitedoveaz

Con

My brother (35) is married to a woman (49) who has a daughter and two grandchildren. My brother had never been married before and he has no children.
Both, my brother and his wife have good jobs with good income. My husband and I are also financially stable. However, my mother and my sister has a medium to low income. My sister-in-law (49) is arguing that parents must help their children but a married couple does not have to help grown up members of the family (unless they are children). Therefore, my sister in law is helping her daughter and the two grand kids as she pleases but says my brother should not help any members of the family. I told her that the closest members of her family are her daughter and the grandchildren. Since my brother has no children, the closest members of his family is his mother and sister. So, since my sister in law helps her children whenever she wants, wouldn't it be fair to allow my brother to help his mother at least with half of the amount she is helping her daughter? She keeps saying: "Parents must help children but we don't have any obligation to help other grown-up in the family". If it was the other way around, I don't think she would have said the same (if my brother had kids and she wouldn't). What do you think?
officialkwade

Pro

Since this is not a "traditional" debate per se, I won't take a side, but offer some insight on different options. If you would rather me take a side, let me know.
You ask would it be fair for for your brother to assist your mother and sister, since he has no children of his own and his wife uses money to help her own children. I am sorry but there is no definitive answer to this question. Yet there is a "best per situation" answer, and this is found when we, (or you, since you know the situation much better than I) weigh the pro's and con's of each. You should start this next round so I can get a more sense of what's going on.
In more of a broad sense, there are really only two options, your brother could help out his mother and sister (we'll call these two MS from now on), or he could not. I suggest that we describe each and see which path would have the most positive outcome for everyone. I could begin speculating on each, but I'll allow you to begin this in the pro's/con's part so you can narrow the possibilities down for me and create a place to start.
In regards to the woman's (I'll just call her 49) argument, it is common for someone to help their own blood before they would help someone else. As you'll see in the following paragraph, there are many other reasons why she views it as she does, and again I would need more information about her to really understand why she views the situation as she does. (ec. does she not get along with your family, does she have a problem spending money, doe she control your brother. Also, age may play some factor.)
I will say again that there are no right answers to this situation, mostly due to peoples varied opinions on the matter. For example, some people think that you should help others no matter what, whereas others believe that you should only help certain people. Of the latter, they too could have their own outlooks on things, for example they could think that you should only help those who have helped you in the past, or only help people if you have the money to do so. Some may believe that you help family first, others will help a stranger on the street. Yet that just their out looks on helping people, social interactions over time also play a role, for example two brothers that never get along will be more apt to assisting someone else rather than themselves. I say all this, not to waste your time, but to allow you to see how complicated something as simple as helping someone else can be. Also, anything becomes more complicated when you throw in the aspect of money haha.
Debate Round No. 1
Whitedoveaz

Con

Whitedoveaz forfeited this round.
officialkwade

Pro

officialkwade forfeited this round.
Debate Round No. 2
Whitedoveaz

Con

Whitedoveaz forfeited this round.
officialkwade

Pro

officialkwade forfeited this round.
Debate Round No. 3
Whitedoveaz

Con

Whitedoveaz forfeited this round.
officialkwade

Pro

officialkwade forfeited this round.
Debate Round No. 4
4 comments have been posted on this debate. Showing 1 through 4 records.
Posted by Whitedoveaz 1 year ago
Whitedoveaz
This is not about my mother in need of help. This is about my sister in law's attitude. Her daugher is married and has two children. My question is: since my sister in law considers that she may help her closest relatives (daughter and grandchildren) without my brother to object, wouldnt be fair that she not object when my brother decides to help his closest relatives? (Which is my mother and sister). The issue is that she is having an unfair attitude towards my brother. Her daughter is 25 and her husband is 30. If she can give money to her daughter without asking her husband, why husband may do the same thing, when he decides to help his closest relatives?
Posted by Sharku 1 year ago
Sharku
Ah, ok. Well, I guess the question is, how old is the daughter? If the mother is 49, I'll venture to guess she's in her 20's and that her children are still very young. Most people take a bit of a hit when their children are young because they have to balance work hours with being there for their children. It's an understandable loss of income for a few years. I think grandparents do have a tendency to be biased towards their grandchildren and want to make sure they have the childhood they couldn't give their children because now they have the time and money to do that. And.. mothers also tend to be more biased towards their own children that they still feel they need to take care of, than someone they see as an equal (your sister or mother) who should be able to hold a job like they do. Not saying this is the correct opinion, but it could be how she see's it.

It also depends on why and how often your mother and sister need money. Is this a constant thing? Are they borrowing and not paying back? How are they reciprocating the favor? Do they help out or is it a bit one sided?

Complete speculation here, but if you have already talked about this with your brother, and he has had to make excuses as to why he can't give your family money, they could feel like you're taking advantage or feel entitled to it since they have more. Are you having these talks because you're the only one helping them out and feel a bit unsupported by your brother? That could put both their backs up against a wall, if they feel pressured to give away money.

My personal opinion, if it were my parents or sibling and they needed money I'd be happy to give it. If they kept needing it, not so much. But I think I'd feel the same about my children. I know I'd be a sucker and spoil my grandchildren and nieces/nephews though.
Posted by Whitedoveaz 1 year ago
Whitedoveaz
I probably have to be more specific. The question is not if my sister in law
should help her daughter or not. The fact is that she is spending at least $700-$800
every month on her daughter and grand kids but she is against my brother
give any amount of money to my mother or sister when they need because she keeps saying this:
"The parents must help their children but you are not obligated to help your
grown ups members of your family". So, my brother has no kids.
The closest relative to my sister in law is her daughter and grand kids.
Since my brother has no children, the closest relatives to him are my mother and his sisters.
Therefore, my sister in law says that it is normal for her to give any amount of money
to her daughter but it is not normal that my brother give let's say $100-$200 once in
a while to his relatives. My brother never objects when his wife help her daugther but
his wife always objects when my brother is helping his mother or sister (even if it's a
small amount, which is not comparable with what she spends on her kids).
According to my sister in law, since my brother has no children, he shouldn't help any
family members.
Posted by Sharku 1 year ago
Sharku
I think if your brother wanted to help his mother and sister, he'd be doing it. You're blaming her, but I haven't heard what his take is. They both have jobs, do they not? I think it's very telling that your brother hasn't said "Yes, we'll help". He may not want to, and is letting her do all the fighting for him.

It's your mother too, why aren't you helping? Not everyone is inclined to give all their money away. People are able to live on a low income just fine. If she's not doing well with little money, then money is not the problem. They can sign up for benefits and live below their means. The only time a parent needs to be cared for is in their old age, and yes it is a good thing to help pay for their home if you can afford it. But most times, they'll have a retirement or social security to help them out.

However, as a personal take, I would argue that helping someone raise their children by giving them the resources they need is more important than helping two adults capable of taking care of themselves. If she's choosing to help her children, that's her business. If he's choosing not to help his parents or sibling, that's his.
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