The Instigator
FreeThinker35
Pro (for)
Losing
0 Points
The Contender
unlockable
Con (against)
Winning
15 Points

This is a good essay

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Voting Style: Open Point System: 7 Point
Started: 7/5/2011 Category: Entertainment
Updated: 6 years ago Status: Voting Period
Viewed: 1,105 times Debate No: 17419
Debate Rounds (3)
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Votes (3)

 

FreeThinker35

Pro

Success. It is an idea that has perpetually consternated and challenged all levels of society throughout time. Every day, individuals from all around the globe dream and work hard with determination to pursue their passion. I am one of these individuals. I am a determined individual who seeks success. I aspire to become a true visionary, an innovator, and an influential leader in society. I will grow to be this figure by pursuing my passions for business associated to the development of sustainable energy and with my strong educational foundation already in place; I only lack one other indispensable tool: the HP DV6t powerful performance Laptop.
Even as a young student back in rural Colombia, I always wondered how the minds of prominent leaders worked. I often questioned the nature of their actions and studied their character. My intellectual curiosity rapidly developed into a fascination for business, the environment and most importantly leadership. This has become central component in my interests and academic character. This undeniable fervor for leadership has created, in me, an insatiable hunger for being part of these studies on a professional scale, and has created in me an aspiring engineer and entrepreneur. 15 years from now, I envision myself as a 30 years old with a bachelor's degree in industrial engineering and a master's in business and administration. I visualized myself making revolutionary breakthroughs research and discoveries in the fields of green technology side by side with the industry's finest engineers and business associates at NREL.
The vocation that I wish to pursue requires continuous research and organization, along with the examination of contemporary studies, inventions, and innovations. Therefore, it is imperative that I have at my disposition a device which will assist me in the quest for success. The HP DV6t Laptop will facilitate my endeavors and develop as well as enhance the characteristics that are vital for me to become someone who has made a difference in today's energy conscious society.
The HP DV6t Powerful Performance Laptop seems to be ideal in facilitating my endeavors. The HP DV6t will promote a characteristic that is fundamental for a leader: curiosity. It promotes curiosity by allowing me to easily access the free flow and exchange of valuable ideas which the virtual world offers. It will enable me to stay up to date on current financial situations and political trends. In addition, it will also allow me to research important concepts anywhere I go, due to its perfect balance between mobility, size, and performance. I will be able to download informational recordings and will be able to comfortably watch and listen to them in high definition on the 15.6" screen and quad speakers system with extra amps. Furthermore, it will help me satisfy my intellectual curiosity with its 2nd generation Intel Core i3 processor technology along with the Norton Internet Security program; this will permit me to browse and explore the web for inspiration and the world's most powerful ideas with great convenience and protection.
The HP DV6t also supports an additional trait that is ideal for a leader and success: organization and excellence. The HP DV6t supports the organizational aspect of things by allowing me to research as well as to collect data for both business models and scientific inquiries. Its Intel HT Technology allows me to access data I need, when I need it, due to its premium Intel Turbo Boost Technology, which help users automatically speed up the system far more accurately than any other laptop in the market. The HP DV6t's 6GB memory and 640GB hard drive will allow me to run large business software and statistics programs which deal though complex business information with remarkable efficiency. It is clear that the HP DV6t is a perfect fit for me; it combines timeless craftsmanship with raw technological power that is crucial in today's fast moving world.
The projections for success have never been greater. A dawning era of originality and advancement in "green technology" is bringing the promise of a healthier planet; as well as the prospect of an emerging business that can sustain its health. In the near future I aspire to finish my higher education so I can direct and lead sustainable energy development towards a brighter and more feasible future. I aspire to become someone who has made a difference; someone who has made a positive impact in the world today. I aspire to have the ability to inspire people to reach great heights of performance and success. There is no greater tool to assist and develop the abilities I need to see my dreams of; seeing a greener tomorrow come to fruition, other than the HP DV6t Powerful Performance Laptop. This particular laptop offers all that is needed for one to succeed: Powerful performance.
unlockable

Con

First of all, good luck to you in securing this laptop. Your English is very good for someone who has learned English as a second language.

As for my argument:
A good essay has clear, purposeful structure, as does each paragraph within it. All sentences, punctuation, diction, and syntax in a good essay adhere to the rules of grammar. Likewise, all these linguistic devices in a good essay are purposed towards clearly communicating ideas: essays containing unclear statements are not good essays.

This essay does not satisfy the criteria listed above, so it is not a good essay. I will proceed by quoting excerpts from the first paragraph of the essay and explaining their inconsistency with the above standard.

"Success. It is an idea that has perpetually consternated and challenged all levels of society throughout time." "Success" is not a complete sentence, so it is an example of bad grammar. It serves a stylistic purpose, though, so I'll let it slide. But "consternated" is bad diction. This is a highly unusual word and it is somewhat redundant with the word "challenged." So when you use it, you confuse the intended meaning of your sentence for any audience except one that knows the nuanced meaning of "consternated," and you also give the impression that you're just plucking words from a thesaurus.

"Every day, individuals from all around the globe dream and work hard with determination to pursue their passion." Nix the word "all" because it is unnecessary. Fluff language compromises clarity. Also, your subject disagrees with its verb's object: "individuals" pursue their "passions", not their "passion."

"I am one of these individuals. I am a determined individual who seeks success. I aspire to become a true visionary, an innovator, and an influential leader in society. I will grow to be this figure by pursuing my passions for business associated to the development of sustainable energy and with my strong educational foundation already in place; I only lack one other indispensable tool: the HP DV6t powerful performance Laptop." This should have been a new paragraph. The phrase "business associated to the development of sustainable energy" is awkward. Rather you should have said, "the business of sustainable energy" or "the sustainable energy business" or "the sustainable energy industry." There should have been a comma or a period after the word "energy" because the text preceding can be an independent clause or a stand alone sentence. The semicolon after "place" should have been a comma instead because the clause preceding it cannot stand alone as a complete sentence.

I won't continue analyzing the essay at this stage because I believe that I've proven that this essay is not good by showing how many faults are in its first paragraph.
Debate Round No. 1
FreeThinker35

Pro

FreeThinker35 forfeited this round.
unlockable

Con

unlockable forfeited this round.
Debate Round No. 2
FreeThinker35

Pro

FreeThinker35 forfeited this round.
unlockable

Con

Well, he forfeited, and my argument is unassailable, so I win!
Debate Round No. 3
No comments have been posted on this debate.
3 votes have been placed for this debate. Showing 1 through 3 records.
Vote Placed by ApostateAbe 6 years ago
ApostateAbe
FreeThinker35unlockableTied
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Total points awarded:07 
Reasons for voting decision: forfeit
Vote Placed by quarterexchange 6 years ago
quarterexchange
FreeThinker35unlockableTied
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Total points awarded:04 
Reasons for voting decision: Obvious
Vote Placed by wjmelements 6 years ago
wjmelements
FreeThinker35unlockableTied
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Total points awarded:04 
Reasons for voting decision: CON had one fewer forfeit and his argument was unanswered. PRO provided no argument.