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Troll Debate On CHEEZ-ITS!

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Voting Style: Open Point System: 7 Point
Started: 8/13/2012 Category: Arts
Updated: 4 years ago Status: Post Voting Period
Viewed: 1,178 times Debate No: 25129
Debate Rounds (4)
Comments (9)
Votes (1)




Hello, Everyone! Sorry, I have been very busy lately, and have been unable to debate for a while. Now, for the debate....

This debate is over which is a better way to eat Cheez-Its:

1. Pick cheezits out one by one from the bag.

2. Grab a big-a$$ handful and go from there.

I have option 2, because bigger is better (hear that, Lickdafoot?).

Please only accept this debate if you agree to these terms:

1. Thy shalt troll. Troll like hell.

2. Chickens are the dominant animal over humans.

3. Alaska is a place of tortilla chips and polar bears.

4. Satan does not smell like gargonzola.




A troll debate? Sounds enticing....

I shall argue for option number one, that being selective with your cheezits and eating them one at a time is more beneficial and overall better than just getting a massive handful and shoving it down your face (something that cheesedingo is quite familiar with doing, only with something that's not cheezits. But what happens in vegas stays in vegas so yeh).

As for the parameters....

1. Agreed hitherto thy debate shall be trolled to thee fiery depths of hell.

2. Because the chicken definitely came before the egg. And all other things.

3. Agreed, so long as you will concede that Alaska is secretly the home of the Aztec god, Quetzalcoatl. It would explain the tortilla chips.

4. Gorgonzola? Hell no. He definitely smells like Parmesan.
Debate Round No. 1


cheesedingo1 forfeited this round.


Oh dear! It seems our good friend Cheesedingo has failed to respond in time. Oh dear, oh dear! I guess I must leave without him in this embarking upon a grand adventure in which we shall explore the depths of the human psyche as we debate the proper etiquete upon eatting a box (or bag, if you do not have either the time and/or the stomach capacity and/or the appetite) of Cheezits. Alas, the thought-train has left without him, and he will have to catch up with us at a later stop. We must keep moving, or we shall be lost in the depths of paranoia and insanity (case in point made with the example of FREEDO).

Here I shall adress 3 different points that shall uphold my end of the spectrum and prove that the finer approach is best when devouring a box of cheezits.


Let's consider two hypothetical situations for a moment.

Person A is sitting on the couch with person B and highly attractive Lady C. Person A grabs a box of cheezits and pulls out a massive fist-full of them, stuffing them in his face and chewing very sloppily and noisily (as one would do so with a mouth full of Cheezits). Person A then attempts to pull "The Move" on Lady C, but is only spurned for his efforts because he looks like a fat slob who eats food all day and doesn't want to be seen cuddling with such a man.

Person B, however, picks up a single piece of Cheezits and makes light conversation with Lady C instead. He is able to enjoy the snack while still making enjoyable conversation with Lady C. Phone numbers are exchanged soon after that, and they start dating two weeks after that same evening.

What is the difference between the two situations? Person A, who is represented by CHEESEDINGO in this debate, took a fat handful of them and never got any action from Lady C, who was the end goal of eatting the large quantity of Cheezits, and sat at home alone. Person B, who is represented by myself in this debate, took only a single Cheezit at a time, and received a girlfriend for doing so since he did not appear to be a slob.

The lesson to be learned from this is: eat cheezits singly, and get attractive women to date you. Seems legit. Anyway, moving forward now.


How many times have you ever seen someone who acts like a complete fatty and have any sort of class? None? Never? That's what I thought. In order to be successful in life, you have to have class. And you can't have class if you're shoving your face full of snacks like some sort of animal. Eatting Cheezits one at a time, however, has extreme amounts of class to them, rivaling the British and their sexy accents in classiness.

The lesson to be learned here is eatting cheezits singly will give you a British accent. And since we all know British accents are highly classy and attractive, we all naturally want British accents.


P1: We want to be awesome.
P2: We don't want to be slobs.
P3: Chuck Norris will hate you if you are a slob.
C1: You do not want Chuck Norris to hate you.
P4: Eatting Cheezits single doesn't make you a slob.
P5: Eatting Cheezits by the fistful makes you a slob.
P6: We want to avoid acting slobbish.
C2: We don't want to eat cheezits by the fistful, since it would incur the wrath of Chuck Norris.

This syllogism is backed up by my opponent's masculinity. If he attempts to refute this syllogism, he refutes his own manhood, and concedes that he sh!ts rainbows and sings soprano in the gayest way.

So vote pro.
Debate Round No. 2


Well, hello everyone. I feel thouroughly embarrassed over what happened and my inability to type up my amazing argument. For some reason my password wasn't working, and i found out that it was because my little brother found out how to change the password on this site. Anyway, its no excuse for not beating it out of him. I will now input my argument.

And, by the way, I ignored Zaradi's arguments and did use any of them to come up with rebutles, to make it fair.


1. HUNGER: If you are hungry, you have no time for itty bitty cheez-it's one bye one. You gotta go for the gold. If anyone can say it better than i can, its Ricky Bobby. He is a perfect analogy. If your not first, your last. Same with cheez-its. My opponent may say something along the lines of " If your not getting a sh!tload of cheezits, you shouldn't get any. Go for the gold, motherf*cker.

2. DIBS: No, not the incredibally delicious balls of chocolate covered ice cream treats that I eat 10 containers of when i watch the "Dark Night Rises". No, i'm talking about the unofficail man rule of 'calling', if you will, something so that you automatically get it no matter what. Like a spot on the couch if you go to take a leak. If you grab a huge handful of cheezits, and someone else wanted some, but took the Zaradi path and went piece by piece, they're screwed. Not enough cheezits for them. It's either kill or be killed. You either get some, or you don't. A good analogy for this is being pregnant. Your either pregnant, or your not. There is no in between. On a side note, some might say in the process of getting pregnant is in between.(As in causing the baby milk to run through the trench, not over it.) But you are still not pregnant then. When little mister spermy meets miss eggy, then mister or misses baby happens. Untill then, they are not pregnant. After that, they are. NO IN BETWEEN! Same with cheezits.

3) POLITENESS: Cheezit's are most often found at casual parties, usually with friends. It is a snack food. Now, where do you have snacks? SPORTING EVENTS. Please type in "crazy american football fans" into google images. The reason im not posting all of the pictures is because there are soooo many, and i'm too lazy. The point is, they are all crazy. They are guzzling beers, stuffing hot dogs down their throats, and making fools of themselves (this is directed to all vikings fans). Again, the point is, you will fit right in shoving cheezits in your face. You will fit in perfectly.

THOSE ARE MY POINTS. try to rebutle THAT, Zaradi!

And now, for Cheesedingo's random sentence of the day:

I prefer my Chimichanga's roasted at 99.8 degrees for 10 minutes, untill they are a golden brown.


thank you.


In the essense of fairness, I'll also forfeit this round so that we may both have equal speaking time. This of course means that I won't be able to defend my case, but that's just the price I pay for fairness.
Debate Round No. 3


Well, I guess I must be grateful for Zaradi's sportsmanship, but now i dont have much of an argument, and it is my last one. Still, thank you, Mr. Zaradi Sir.

I will only attack his arguments, since i can't do anything else.
Point 1: Good points, Zaradi, but as I said in my first argument, the 2nd option is "grab a big-a$$ handful and GO FROM THERE." I did not say he would cram that cheezy cracker goodness in his face. He would just hold it in his hand and eat from his handful. Completely different.

Now, scenerio time for me. I will state 3 situations.

Person A is sitting next to person B, with a highly attractive lady C at a BAR. Person A looks for some Cheezit's, but can't find any. He pays person B to buy some Cheezit's at the general store down the road. He then realizes that it is only him and Lady C. They chat it up, have a couple of beers, and hit it up pretty well. The friend comes back with the cheezits. Lady C see's the cheezits, and so does Person A. (Ok, fvck it. Person A's name is now Sam. Person B is phil. Lady C is sally.) Sam grabs a handful of cheezits from the bag, but then Phil sees some friends and leaves them there. AGASP!!! PHIL HAS LEFT WITH THE CHEEZITS! But Sam has a handful. So, Sally asks for some cheezits. Sam politely hands her some cheezits. Her cell phone rings, but she ignores it and focuses on Sam (IMPORTANT). They continue to chat, and Sam then takes Sally back to his place and they make mad passionate love until their hearts scream and all the walls have been painted white. They eventually marry, and then die in a car crash shortly after their honeymoon.

Now, Scenerio 2.
Sam is sitting next to Phil, with a highly attractive Sally at a BAR. Sam looks for some Cheezit's, but can't find any. He pays Phil to buy some Cheezit's at the general store down the road. He then realizes that it is only him and Sally. They chat it up, have a couple of beers, and hit it up pretty well. The friend comes back with the cheezits. Sally see's the cheezits, and so does Sam. Sam pulls ONE MOTHERFUCKIN' CHEEZIT from the bag, but then Phil sees some friends and leaves them there. AGASP! PHIL HAS LEFT WITH THE CHEEZITS! Now Sam has popped the cheezit in his mouth, and Sally is sad and hungry, no delicious amazing cheezits to releive her hunger. Her cell phone rings, and it is her ex boyfriend, who then picks her up at the bar, and then kills her. Sam got too drunk at the bar and drove off of a bridge on his way home.

Don't you see? In scenerio one, they don't die untill after their honeymoon and they have both had sex many times. In scenerio two, they both die immediately. Nuff said.

Scenerio 3.
A boy named Hammy sees a babe. She is way out of his league. He then spends the rest of his young life devoted to trying to win the babes heart over. She showers her with gifts and all that romantic sh!t. Then, when senior prom rolls around, he asks her, but she says "I thought we were only friends!"
Hammy is so enraged and frustrated that he had been friendzoned, that he kills everyone at the prom and becomes HAMMYABLE LECTAR.

bum. bum. TSH!!

Point 2:Zaradi has good points, but as I explained, cheezit's are not a classy food. They are meant for places like bars and very casual parties. Not high class british parties.

Point 4:
P1. Can be said for me.
P2. No one gives a f*ck when its at a casual party.
P3.Chuck Norris will hate you if you don't eat cheezit's like a boss by the handful.
C1.Chuck norris will hate you if you eat cheezits like a pvssy.
P4. Eating Cheezits single makes you look like a b!tch.
P5. Eating Cheezits by the handful makes you look like a boss.
P6. We want to avoid acting like a bitch.
C2. We don't want to act like a bitch, since it would incur the wrath of Chuck Norris AND Clint Eastwood.

So if eating cheezits like a boss makes me gay, and eating cheezits like a b*tch makes me cool, then Magikarp has the highest stats in pokemon(My opponent will obviously say something about how magikarp is SOOOO cool and SOOOO great, but in realitly, it is a Karp. With no Magi.)





As it's the last round, I will not touch on my opponent's responses, as that would be highly unfair of me (which makes me half-tempted to do it anyway, but alas for classiness). Let's go through my opponent's case.

" If you are hungry, you have no time for itty bitty cheez-it's one bye one."

Yes you do. It's called a lifespan. We are not fruitflys that live for 5 minutes and then die. You actually have plenty of time to take things slow, WHICH IS WHAT MOST CHICKS WANT. Taking Cheezits slow means that girls know you can take things slow, which means they know you can take relationships slow, which makes them trust you more and get you around the bases THAT MUCH FASTER. On the other hand, taking a massive handful means you rush into things, which is NOT WHAT GIRLS WANT. So by taking a big handful, you tell girls that you can't go slowly, which means they don't trust you, which means YOU DON'T GET LUCKY.

So, in quick summary: Going slow = sexy fun time.
Going fast = No sexy fun time.

That's fairly simple enough.

" its Ricky Bobby"

Ricky Bobby? What a tool. The only kind of chicks who like guys like that are gold diggers and red-necks. Neither get you anything good.

"No, i'm talking about the unofficail man rule of 'calling',"

P1: Using dibs is for bro's
P2: Chicks don't like bro's, but like cool regular guys.
P3: If chicks don't like you, then you don't get laid.
C: Using 'dibs' doesn't get you laid.

Entire contention de-railed there.


Okay this is as far as I got into that contention before laughing my a** off. Shoving cheezits down your face, stealing them from the rest of everyone else and leaving them starving, is anything BUT polite. Girls dig guys with manners. And if girls dig you, then you're more likely to get lucky than a guy with no manners.

In conclusion:

Obviously how you evaluate this round is by which option gets you laid more. I've shown you far more scenarios that you get laid if you get the one-by-one approach instead of taking a massive handful (like a d*ck) and going from there. Thus, I win this debate. :P


Vote Pro :3
Debate Round No. 4
9 comments have been posted on this debate. Showing 1 through 9 records.
Posted by imabench 4 years ago
RFD: Seeing as how I am the troll king I feel it is my obligation to judge on this debate.

Both sides presented decent arguments, Zaradi showed that eating Cheez-Its in big a** handfuls is in no way classy and Chuck Norris will hate me for it. However, when Im looking at my computer masturbating while eating Cheez-Its, IM NOT TRYING TO LOOK CLASSY!!! My pants are in the corner of my room, my underwear is at my ankles, my door is locked, and my d*ck is in my hand, so there is NO amount of proper eating etiquette that is going to suddenly make me look classy when im wanking it to a video of R Kelly taking a smelly piss on some girls face. Judging from how yellow his piss is, he needs more fluids, but thats besides the point.

I realize that doing just that may anger Chuck Norris, but the fact that Chuck Norris wont be in Expendables 3 justifies me expressing disappointment.

Cheesedingo adequetly explained that Cheez-Its arent meant to be a classy food, just like Twinkies, Nascar, Coors light, and Newt Gingrich, Cheez-its are meant to appeal to people who HAVE NO CLASS AT ALL, so the idea that eating an unclassy food in a classy manner makes you classy is like saying that treating hookers to a fancy dinner makes anything you do to her later classy. It doesnt work that way, especially when you take into account what I would do to a hooker after having dinner with her (Id be a good Republican and drill until I strike oil)

I made my point. Cheez-its arent classy and nobody eats Cheez-its to be classy. That fulfils the BOP showing that eating Cheez-its one at a time is inferior to eating a sh*t load of them all at once.

Arguments to the Con, case dismissed, bring in the dancing lobsters.
Posted by cheesedingo1 4 years ago
Why thank you. I thought my hammyable lectar joke rather clever.
Posted by Zaradi 4 years ago
I have to say well done sir.
Posted by Zaradi 4 years ago

Posted by Wallstreetatheist 4 years ago
I'm craving Cheese-Zits now. Wait... it this an advertising ploy by Nabisco?
Posted by Wallstreetatheist 4 years ago
Posted by Zaradi 4 years ago
Time's running out xP
Posted by bossyburrito 4 years ago
"3. Agreed, so long as you will concede that Alaska is secretly the home of the Aztec god, Quetzalcoatl. It would explain the tortilla chips."
Posted by cheesedingo1 4 years ago
Oh, zaradi. You little jester.
1 votes has been placed for this debate.
Vote Placed by imabench 4 years ago
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Total points awarded:30 
Reasons for voting decision: rfd in comments