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Wit war

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after 1 vote the winner is...
Voting Style: Open Point System: 7 Point
Started: 12/16/2012 Category: Entertainment
Updated: 3 years ago Status: Post Voting Period
Viewed: 1,063 times Debate No: 28294
Debate Rounds (5)
Comments (1)
Votes (1)




A wit war! This is purely for fun and because I just love witty sayings. Basically all you do is counter my "witty sayings" with some of yours.

THE QUOTES DO NOT ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE SAID BY YOU, BUT BY ANYONE. Like by a favourite comedian or author for example. If you want, you can say who said the quote or just leave it blank. I'd love to see you come up with your own funny quotes but you don't have to.

A FEW SHORT RULES: A minium of three quotes have to be said per round with a max of ten quotes. Please no insults and try to actually post your rounds instead of forfeiting. Thanks!

Anyways, I'll start just so people understand what I'm saying. And my quotes are:

"A day without the sun is like... you know, night."

"Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise."

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."

"Remember if the world didn't suck we"d all fall off."

"Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator."

"Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?"

"Only dead fish go with the flow."

"Without ME, it's just AWESO."

"Don't pi-ss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies."

"I sometimes find it weird that I call girls "dude." It's like when I refer to my girl friends as "you GUYS." But it just sounds so much better. I mean, it sounds weird if I walk into a room and go "Hey girls! What's happening?" And then when I'm like in the middle of class and someone in my group starts arguing or freakin' about some random useless thing and I'm like "Whoa dude! Calm down!" Then everyone looks at me weird 'cause here's the loner girl in the group calling another person "dude." But seriously? Yeah I know I'm strange, get over it people! So usually I'll just shoot the people a look that, I think, says "Do ya got something to say to moi? 'Cause if it's a god-dam opinion you can neatly write it down, carefully fold it, and kindly shove it up your a-s-s! Yeah, I'm crazy." -Me! :)

Yeah basically a bunch of funny random sh-it I found online. Except for that last one that's me. :D


100% original content is about to follow...

"Oh, sir, you insult me by calling me 'gay'? Well as a gay I feel qualified to call you and ugly b*tch!"

"Halloween is indeed f*cking terrifying, little kids torment the elderly, fathers let their girls dress like sluts and for once... It's the teenage boys of the world who cause the least commotion."

"What do a Playboy Bunny and the Easter Bunny hav ein common? They both are misterious creatures that physically please our children with gifts."

"All things come to he who waits... All men wait for she who comes."
Debate Round No. 1


"People are so defensive, especially women, ya know. C"mon ladies. I offered a girl a tic-tac one time. Ya know what she says to me? "Oh do I need one? Is it my breath? Do you think I need one?"
I"m like, "I"m just trying to be nice. If I was going to give you something you needed I would give you mustache wax and a t-shirt that says "One Cock at a Time.'"

"They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running to be like, "Fu-ck it - just grab a pile of sh-it. We'll get a bag at the airport!"

"100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?"

"Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters."

"For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it."

"Strangers have the best candy!"

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit" as said by those incapable of its proper application, and as such, suffer from it a lot."

"Why the hell are you talking to me? And acting like my best friend? Are you that stupid not to notice that I don't like you? Hell, I won't like you even if you threw yourself in front of a bus for me. I might be grateful or laugh at your stupidity but I still wouldn't like you."-me :)

Now onto round 2 for you!


"A bachelor is a man who comes to work each morning from a different direction." Sholom Aleichem (1859-1916) Russian author

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don't need it." Bob Hope (1903-____) US comedian, actor

"A banker is a fellow who lends his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain." Mark Twain (1835-1910) US novelist, journalist, river pilot

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized." Fred Allen (1894-1956) US comedian, vaudeville juggler

"A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read." Mark Twain (1835-1910) US novelist, journalist, river pilot

"A conservative is one who admires radicals centuries after they're dead." Leo Rosten (1908-____) US novelist

"A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car." Kenneth Tynan (1927-1980) English theatre critic

"A diplomat is one that says something that is equally misunderstood by both sides, and never clear to either."
"Will Rogers (1879-1935) US actor, lecturer, humorist"

Debate Round No. 2


"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."
- Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" --Lily Tomlin

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad." --Christopher Case

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have kill you too." --Jake Johansen

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' " --Paula Poundstone

"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." --Rita Rudner

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." --Jerry Seinfeld

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast." --Johnathan Katz

"I don't wish death upon people I hate. I just pray for very convient buses to run over them and maybe injure them gravely."-me :)


"I have opinions of my own... strong opinions... but I don't always agree with them." George W. Bush

"I believe there would be many people alive today if there were a death penalty."

"Nobody believes you when you claim to tell the truth, but everybody believes you when you tell them you're a liar."

"Life is like a box of chocolates... there's an expiry date."

"If you think you're too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito in the room."

"Don't sleep with another person's husband; you may never wake up."

"If at first you don't succeed, welcome to the real world."
Debate Round No. 3


"The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad."
- Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

"Maybe this world is another planet's Hell." - Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

"Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!" - Frank

"Contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name." (Construction wall, Philadelphia, 1969)

"It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people." - Dolph Sharp

"I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm." - George Carlin

"I always hated my school bus driver in elementary school. I'd sit on my seat, being tossed around as he sped down the bumpy road and I'd imagine something would cause him to have to pull over. Like engine trouble or a flat tire. And as he was checking under the hood or something I'd go up and "accidently" hit the break off. It's only now that I'm older that I realise those were very disturbing and sadistic thoughts."-me :)


"1+1=/=1-1 but 1*1=1/1" - Me :P TROLOLOLOL...... okay down to business....

"At the end of the game, the kings and pawns end up in the same box."

"Dream like you'll live forever, live like you'll die today."

"An apple a day will keep the doctor away, but if the doctor's cute then screw the fruit!"
- Your Mother

"The one we hate the most is usually the one we wish we were more like. The one we love the most is usually the one we wish we were less like. That's why nice guys fall for b!tches and nice chicks fall for a$$holes, nice guys love having their power to say no being ebbed away, nice chicks love seeing their resistance to charm being ripped from them." - Me

Debate Round No. 4


"You know, I love you lots but if we are being chased by zombies I'm going to trip you."-me to my younger brother

"I'd like to know what's wrong with you compared to me."-me

"TIPTOE!!! THOUGHHHHH THE TULIPSSSS!!!!!"-LOL this is my bro 24/7.

"I am very sceptical about your ability to do anything smart."-me again! :)

"I'm not high! At least not on drugs!"-meeeee

"I don't know what idk means."-my friend

"I'm not doing nothig! I'm breathing! That's doing something!"-me

"I have so many talents that I can't decide which one to use. And that's why I do nothing."-lol me; I should write a book full of witty sayings shouldn't I? :)

"Kindly move your fat a-s-s out of my way."-guess who? :)

"Get your head out of the clouds they say. But I'm not on any mountains and I can't fly so what the heck are they- HEY LOOK! A ROCK!!!"-memememeeeee

Lol this was kind of a stupid and useless debate but I had fun with it. Hope you did too! Lots of your quotes had me on the floor with laughter. No offense though but I thought I was wittier!

Till next time! :)


This was never defned as a bttle of the funnier but rather of the wittier.

Wit: a natural aptitude for using words and ideas in a quick and inventive way to create humour. requires INVENTIVENESS (not just random mindless 'humour')

anyway, for my quotes...

"To get the best a woman has to offer, one must undergo the worst that hell hath no fury to withstand."

"Two heads are better than one? Try pissing with two d!ck heads."

"You must always be sincere, even if you have to fake it."

"If god gives you lemons, ask for more."

"A good friendship is like pissing on ourself, everyone sees it but only you get that warm,fuzzy feeling it brings."

"Then out of the night came a terrible scream ... who put the sand in the Vaseline?... If you know what I mean ;)"

"If at first you don't succeed ... Lower your standards"

"The purpose of life is to allow death to occur, the purpose of death is to make you love every moment of life, funny relationship eh?"
Debate Round No. 5
1 comment has been posted on this debate.
Posted by po.osullivan 3 years ago
I can't vote yet, but I'd leave this note to Pro:

Subversion is funny, but "randomness" is its mentally ill cousin. Most "random" things that are funny are not random things at all, but rather something that defies your expectations in an absurd manner. If there are no expectations and you just say something "random," it's not funny, it's stupid.

Also, when it comes to profanity, there are a few situations when judicious use of it can add humor. Profanity for profanity's sake can only subtract any humor that may have been there.
1 votes has been placed for this debate.
Vote Placed by InVinoVeritas 3 years ago
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Total points awarded:30 
Reasons for voting decision: Better ones.