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dirty joke battle

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Voting Style: Open Point System: 7 Point
Started: 3/10/2013 Category: Entertainment
Updated: 4 years ago Status: Post Voting Period
Viewed: 5,263 times Debate No: 31147
Debate Rounds (5)
Comments (9)
Votes (2)




First round will be acceptance and one joke and 2-5 will be 10 jokes each

hears my first

Boy: Let's Play The Firetruck Game.
Girl: How Do You Play?
Boy: I Run My Fingers Up Your Leg, And You Say "Redlight" When You Want Me To Stop.
Girl: Okay :).
*Few Seconds Later*
Boy: Firetrucks Don't Stop For Redlights ;)


I accept here's my first.

Mommy, What Are You Doing?

One day a little boy walked in on his mom and dad having sex.
He said "Mommy what are you doing to daddy?"
She responded, "Since daddy's so fat I'm trying to flatten his stomach."
The little boy repiled, "Why bother, the maid comes to blow him back up every weekend!"
Debate Round No. 1


lol I've heard that one but change on the other rounds I meant up to 10
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your a**hole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your a**hole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your a**hole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go f*** yourself. These are my cookies!"

Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.

A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks, "Where have you been?" The boy says, "On top of blueberry hill."

Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says, "Where have you been?" The boy says, "On top of blueberry hill."

Then a girl walks in and the teacher asks, "Where have you been? Oh, let me guess on top of blueberry hill." and the girl says, "No, I am blueberry hill."

here ya go


(my opponent has done 5 so I'm only doing 5)

One day at school a teacher was testing the chidrens senses. So she blind folded the and gave them all a purple lifesave mmm. The teacher say what flavor is that, the children all hollered grape, she said very good . the she gave them a brand new flavor called honey-nut she ask what flavor the children were baffled, the teacher then gave them a hint and said it's something your mama calls your daddy. the little timmy cried .

There once was a very rich king with a beautiful daughter, who was kind of a slut. So one day he decided to put glitter on her pussie. The next day he got her three severents together and told them to drop their pants the first man had glitter on his c0ck so the king had him him killed. The second man had glitter on his fingers. So the king also had him killed. But the third man, the third man had no visable glitter. So the king said smiling "you may marry my daughter." The third man smiled back to the king. The king then commented on his dental care saying his teeth glittered in the sun.

A teen was about to finish his senior year and he still lived with his 5 year old brother.
He was going to bring his girlfriend over for a good time.
He sleeps on a bunk bed with his little bro.
He notice"s his little bro is a sleep on the bottom bunk.
He tells his girl friend whenever you want me to change position say lettuce whenever you want me to go faster say tomato.
She agrees

So they start

Lettuce,tomato lettuce, tomato

Ten the little bro. Wakes up and says "Stop making sandwiches your getting mayonaise all over my face"

Mike goes to the CVS and is looking at condoms but cannot figure out which one to get. A pharmacist comes over and helps him. When he gets everything done and goes to his girl friends house that have intercourse. When they are done it is time for dinner and they start to pray. After they pray Mike keeps his head down, his girlfriend wispers, "Wow I didn't know you were so religious." Mike replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist."

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen's cup.
Debate Round No. 2


I feel like we are getting our jokes from the same place but oh well and also tell people about this debate

I'm not saying she's a slut but she's been under more sheets than the KKK.
(yeah I know that was a bad one ^)

I could never fight a gay guy. I don't know how to start.
"I'm gonna beat your a*s... I mean I'm gonna f*ck you up... no, I mean I'm stick my foot so far up your a*s.. no, not like that, I mean F*ck you, d*mn it, I give up

this ones not as much as a joke but more of an insult
There's a faggot between Y and I on your keyboard... look!

girl - baby im wet.
Boy - want a paper towel?
Girl - no, i want more then that ;)
Boy - want 2 paper towels?
Girl - no, baby i want sumthing big and round ;)
Boy - damn you want the whole roll?

heres something you can say to people
when you here someone use "sexual innuendo" in a sentence say, even its a stranger, "in you end oh" you'll either get a highfive or a stupid look.

girl - baby im wet.
Boy - want a paper towel?
Girl - no, i want more then that ;)
Boy - want 2 paper towels?
Girl - no, baby i want sumthing big and round ;)
Boy - Damn girl you want the whole roll!

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
(now that one I heard before when I found it I remember how funny it was and i am like the simon cowel of jokes wait is that the right person.)

Boy - damn you want the whole roll?


Little Johnny is walking by his parents bedroom when he hears alot of noise.

He opens the door and sees his dad with mom bent over the dresser having sex.

Dad looks at Little Johnny and smiles and winks. He motions for Johnny to leave the room so Little Johnny leaves.

A few minutes later dad is walking past Little Johnnys bedroom and hears a noise.

He opens the door to see Little Johnny with grandma bent over the dresser having sex.

Little Johnny looks at dad and smiles and winks.
He says to dad:
"It's not so funny when it YOUR momma, is it?"


A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.

When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."

"OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

The next nun admits, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

"OK," says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.

"Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her @$$ in it."

Debate Round No. 3


a couple of one liners

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
A: Your job still sucks!

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A: a $100 bill!

Q: Whats long and hard and has cum in it?
A: a cucumber

Q: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
A: They couldn't close his casket.

Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?
A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come (cum) in a bottle?
A: Because his wife died!

Q: Why did the snowman smile?
A: Because the snowblower is coming.

Girl: "Hey, what's up?"
Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?"

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

ah I went over ten well two heck with it you can this time


A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

A man went into the public toilets to relieve himself. The first cubicle was in use, so he went into the next one. As he took down his trousers, he heard a voice from the other cubicle.
"Hey, hows it going?"
Not wanting to be rude, he replied, "Not too bad thanks."
A few seconds later, he heard the voice again.
"What are you up to?"
Somewhat reluctantly, he replied, "Having a quick sh*t, what about you?"
He heard the voice again.
"Hold on, I'm going to have to call you back. There's some wise in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say!!

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Shelly. Shelly was very girly and liked wearing pretty skirts. She wore skirts every day.
One day at school, a young boy named Sam asked Shelly to climb on the jungle gym. So Shelly did.
When Shelly got home, she told her mom about her day, and included the part about the jungle gym.
"Shelly, don't do that. He might just be trying to look at your underwear." said her mother.
What the big deal was, Shelly didn't understand.
The next day Sam asked Shelly to climb on the jungle gym again. So she did.
Shelly again told her mother about her day, including the jungle gym moment.
"Didn't I tell you, young lady?" fumed her mother. "He just wants to see your underwear!"
"But Mommy, I tricked him," said Shelly. "Today I didn't wear any underwear!"

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Little Susie is at Sunday school. She is always sleeping during class. One day the teacher was asking questions and she picked Susie asking her "Susie, who created the universe?" behind Susie was little Jimmy and to the rescue Jimmy poked Susie in the *** with a pencil and little susie yelled "OH GOD!" the teacher said good Susie then she fell asleep. Later the teacher called Susie again. "Susie who's are lord and savior?" once again to the rescue Jimmy poked Susie in the *** with a pencil and little Susie yelled out "JESUS CHRIST!!" good Susie said the teacher. Then Susie went back to sleep later on again the teacher ask Susie another question "Susie, what did eve said to Adam after having their 23rd child? Once again little Jimmy stabbed Susie in the *** then suise yelled out "IF YOU JAB THAT INTO ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!! the teacher fainted!
Debate Round No. 4


One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the h*ll do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"


In the Garden of Eden,
as everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
without any clothes.

In this garden,
were two little leaves,
one covered Adam's,
one covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
the wind came along,
and blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
started to rise.

They found a spot,
that suited them best,
a nice big tree,
where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
and wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
and filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw,
and now it is time,
for me and you.

So pull down your pants,
and lay in the grass,
because I'm in the mood,
for a piece of that *SS!

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe"...

Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.

Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

When taking four cocks in the *ss, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

You CAN get it from kissing... tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out before hand to hope for the best.

Before the use of condoms, unroll completely and check for any holes.


There was this boy in his first sex ed class. then the teacher drew a penis on the board. she asked "does anyone know what this is". The boy answered "of course I do, my dad has two of them. Two? the teacher asked. "yeah, a small one to pee and big one to brush the baby sitters teeth.

A man was standing outside a restaurant called suzie's legs. another man walked up to him and asked "what are you waiting for". the first man replied "Im waiting for suzie's legs to open so I can get a drink.

Why are black guys's eyes so red after sex?
From all the pepper sprey....

2 boys are in christian school while a nun is asking them general questions about Christianity. The Nun asks

"Who created the Universe?"

One boy pulls out a pin and jabs the other boy with it. he screams out in pain "GOD!"

The nun says, "Correct!, now who died on the cross for your sins?"

The boy jabs the other boy with the pin again, this time he yells out in pain "JESUS CHRIST"

The nun says "Correct again, now what did Eve say to Adam after the first time they had sex"

The boy jabs the kid a third time, and this time the kid loses it and screams


The nun said "Correct!"

A man was driving a car while being given a blowjob from his wife. Just before shooting his load, the wife sneaks out a knife, slices off her husband's penis and tosses it out the car window. This was her way of punishing him for recently discovering that he had been cheating on her for over three years. The penis hits the windshield of the car behind them, which is occupied by a man and his five year old daughter. The daughter looks up at her dad and asks, "Daddy, what on earth was that?" The father pauses for a minute and replies, "That was just an insect of some kind." The daughter then replied back with, "Well, it sure did have a big dick."

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman:[shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

A woman puts an ad in the paper saying she wants a man who wont hit her, who wont run away, and is good in bed. Well about a week goes by and she figures there is no man like that. About that time, the doorbell rings, she opens the door, and finds a man sitting there with no arms and no leggs. she said, "Can i help u?" he said I'm here to answer your ad, as you can see I have no arms so I cant hit you, I have no leggs so I cant run away. She said "yeah but are you good in bed?" He just looked at her and grinned and said how do you think I rang that doorbell?

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,

"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma "
Debate Round No. 5
9 comments have been posted on this debate. Showing 1 through 9 records.
Posted by Dovahkiin117 4 years ago
Can't stop laughing, must resist temptation to play fire truck game
Posted by lannan13 4 years ago
I used them because I thought they were funny.
Posted by cybertron1998 4 years ago
I took mine from a different website and not all of them yeah ive seen all of yours and not all of the ones I used where on it
Posted by ockcatdaddy 4 years ago
a lot of both of your jokes i posted on iannan13's thread in the funny forum
Posted by mananlak 4 years ago
Man I gotta play that firetruck game!
Posted by cybertron1998 4 years ago
you can do a racist dirty joke
Posted by lannan13 4 years ago
*looks at title, faceplam* sorry ignore my question. I'll post tomorrow morning.
Posted by lannan13 4 years ago
Are racist and dirty jokes alloud?
Posted by cybertron1998 4 years ago
thank you for accepting lannan this should be fun
2 votes have been placed for this debate. Showing 1 through 2 records.
Vote Placed by ockcatdaddy 4 years ago
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Total points awarded:03 
Reasons for voting decision: funnier also pro repeated himself in round three
Vote Placed by johnlubba 4 years ago
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Total points awarded:10 
Reasons for voting decision: I was going to decide this debate as a draw as both contestants offered very good jokes, only that the racist joke in the final round by Con made me decide to dock him the oppurtunity for a draw, and instead I award the point ot Pro, the title of the contest is, Dirty Joke Battle, not racist joke battle....sorry con...