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Crusades of the religion Forums

I-am-a-panda
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4/12/2009 2:36:49 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
I decided to write a piece parodying the conflict on the religious forums. . I call it THE CRUSADES OF THE RELIGION FORUMS

Chapter 1: Surprise

Kleptin's fingers burned him as he rode North East, crunching softly on the sand as he rode onwards. The sun was setting , creating a beauty of colours in the sky. Behind him rode his soldiers, a company of sheer proof, a regiment of irrefutable sources as well as an honour guard of snappy comebacks. He was headed for Atheos, a city in the North east corner of the Religious land.

Atheos soon formed from a black dot on the horizon, to a blob of white, to what it was, a gleaming white castle. The change from the somewhat deserted and dead sandy wastes of the religious land, to the clean and pristine streets of Atheos. The guards quickly recognised Kleptin, and he sent his men to the barracks. A squire attended to his horse whilst he walked with a handful of his honour guards to the keep.

The sounds of wild argumentation echoed through the halls of the keep. Kleptin peered around the corner of the hall into the Duke's court. It was the court of Duke Jon Somei, Duke of Atheos, Commander of North Eastern Confederate forces. He sat on his throne, perplexed and tired, whilst Count Toni argued to him, near the tone of shouting.

" You obviously cannot comprehend the situation " said an angered Toni. " The attack is imminent and you are willing to do nothing but brood over your personal problems "

" An imminent attack? Ha! " replied Duke Somei " We have a bogus report of movement of Datso's forces Easterly. I will not fatigue my men over a false account "

" Aaahh, you are hopeless! " shouted the Count as he stormed over to Knight Captain Kleptin. " At least you are hear. You got the report, or at least the report of it, no? "

" Well.......not exactly. The messenger you sent collapsed, only telling me to bring myself and my men for a court in Atheos with you " explained the Knight.

" Drat, that was the 3rd son of Viscount Bemor, one of my squires. I will forget reparations to him for now. We must to move onward to Pastafaris " stated Toni as he moved out of the keep and to the barracks.

" Why?" Inquired Kleptin.

" Datso's forces have been reported moving east away from RedStone front" The RedStone front was a stalemate battleground for the Confederation and the Cristin Empire. Toni continued " It is likely he is striking Pastafaris, most of the men are on the RedStone front, and it is also hosting the injured, which count as active troops. This basically means they're screwed in an attack "

" Well, let us not tarry man!" Stated Kleptin as he broke into a light jog to the stables. The squire who had tended his horse had just finished grooming and feeding him when Kleptin snatched him back. Thee squire felt a sense of defeat in his task.

It was a 3 hour hard ride from Atheos to Pastafaris. The recent desert storm had left the roads barely visible, and several times they went off course, only to pull back on a few minutes later. Eventually they reached Pastafaris. The city has a red brick wall to defend it, however, the city expanded vastly during the war, and had shabby wooden walls to protect the growing city. Several arrows fell short of the Confederate company before the guards saw the Red and Yellow banner of Count Toni. They gave the guards a cold stare as they passed by.

The air night was cool and sliced through like a icy blade. Kleptin and Toni made their way to Duchess Mewxivana's court. Her blond hair stood draped over her purple gown. Her faced showed obvious signs of distress, and her make-up ran slightly.

" Oh good, your here! " She exclaimed. The presence of the Count and the Knight Captain obviously gave her relief, something she had obviously not had recently since the report. " Wait, where are the others?" She asked, looking worried again.

" I sent requests to all land owners within a reasonable radius " responded Toni nobly. " And all fail to answer the call "

" What of Baron Panda? And Duke Peojo? And Viscount Bemor? " inquired a clearly distressed Duchess

" All have denied the ability to give aid at the present time " Replied Toni " Baron Panda regrets to say he has all of his men parrying attacks by the Empire in the outer lands, and the nearest troops would make it here in 2 days. Duke Peojo, as you know, has been courting with King ferar, and has probably not received the message. Viscount Bemor has most of his soldiers stationed on the ColdValley, and pulling them away would be asking for trouble "

" And what of the others!" Shouted the Duchess.

" They could not come. Shouting will not prepare us for an attack. We must establish fortifications before dawn. " Replied Toni, before storming off to the barracks with Kleptin in tow.

The defence plan was simple. Have men keep watch on the walls until signs of an attack were clear. Then, attack with catapults and bows. If need be, confront them head on with soldiers.

The night seemed to linger about, and dawn seemed to come at snails pace. When day came around, no attacks were visible. Suddenly, a great rumbling was heard over head. Black clouds came, and a torrent of cold rain splashed down, with thunder and lightning following.

" Weird " Said the Knight Captain. " It isn't rain season for another few months "

" No it isn't " answered the Count.

" Sir, enemies sighted! " Cam a shout from the Eastern wall. Every man rushed over, and the two leaders pushed their way to the front.

" That is no banner of Datso, Galiban, nor Godsands! " exclaimed Toni, clearly in a form of shock.

The soldiers on the horizons were clad in black metal armour, bar their heads, where various helms of Fear, Death, Sadness, and all dark emotions were given life. Most of them wielded Axes or two-handed swords. Leading the men was a man on a Black War horse, and big for it's kind. He wore a dead wolves head as his helm, and had war paint with varying designs across his body.

Kleptin gasped " A new benefactor to the Cristin empire! But who? "

As the soldiers approached, the catapults were drawn, aimed, and readied. When the dark soldiers were in range, the catapults fired their rocky ammunition. The rocks fell like messengers of death. What happened next shocked all who were watching. The stones went in every direction bar that of the alien army.

" By what mystical power is this " shouted a Count in disbelief and shock.

The next thing to happen shocked the Confederates more. The thunder struck the catapults, immediately setting them ablaze.

" Archers, draw bows and fire!" commanded Kleptin, who was one of the few keeping his cool in the anarchy caused by the invaders.

The archers obediently obeyed the command. They shot their bows, which seemed to be in favour of striking the enemies. A sudden gust of wind suddenly blew them to the cold sand.

" Again!" Shouted Kleptin

The archers fired again, and again, they failed. All men stood there in shock. Nobody had the wits to command an attack, nor did they have the common sense to move away from the wall. They army approached the wall, and the leader of the horde of invaders struck the wall with his fist. Within mere seconds, a bolt of lightning struck the wood, making it explode and fly in every direction.

Kleptin lay on the ground, dazed. He saw bodies of loyal soldiers around him. The outer wall of wood had been set ablaze, creating a searing sense of heat around him. He managed to sit up, only to face horror. The attackers approached. Soldiers managed to get up, but none managed to draw weapons. Many were slaughtered where they stood, others toyed with like food before executed, others forced up and butchered. The leader of the invaders soon stood over Kleptin with an evil grin. Kleptin did not fear death, yet he feared something worse.


To be continued......
Pizza. I have enormous respect for Pizza.
I-am-a-panda
Posts: 15,380
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4/12/2009 2:43:41 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 4/12/2009 2:41:31 PM, PoeJoe wrote:
. . . you're way too obsessed w/ this site.

Bah, you don't have to be obsessed. Most of it is description.
Pizza. I have enormous respect for Pizza.
Danielle
Posts: 21,330
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4/12/2009 8:27:12 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 4/12/2009 2:41:31 PM, PoeJoe wrote:
. . . you're way too obsessed w/ this site.

LOL. Are you the pot or the kettle?
President of DDO
Volkov
Posts: 9,765
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8/17/2009 3:06:34 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
Lol, Panda, you must be the most bored Irishman in the country right now. But good job, kudos on "Duke Peojo," that made me laugh. XD
vardas0antras
Posts: 983
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6/2/2011 11:52:50 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
This is quite good.
"When he awoke in a tomb three days later he would actually have believed that he rose from the dead" FREEDO about the resurrection of Jesus Christ