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My poetry (feedback?)

LaughItUpLydia
Posts: 39
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3/24/2015 5:28:25 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
<3 "Red Hair" <3

The wind tosses my vivid imagination back and foth
As I see this girl's head whyp around at me
I can't tell if she's real I don't know where I am
My eyes can't focus because here red hair caught me gutsy

I'm laughable, the way I concentrate and then fade away,
Reality is hard to figure, one moment I'm in a different world than the last
People transform into fairies the creatures from a destined day
The stars tell my future, seeing red hair again brings me to the past

Curls and locks here and there, they compare to waves of a fanta-sea
I want to sail off and catch her beautiful, sweet, soaring breeze
Sometimes she faces me, stares then turns with dignity
But I'd rather look into her hair than see her glare angrily

It doesn't matter if I'm dreaming, I know the past was real
Our friendship was happy back then, our letter of trust was sealed
Something broke into it, maybe I was distracted like I am now
Seeing her hair, I don't need to hear her asking "now are you proud."

This is why my heart penetrates her hair and vice versa
She's like fire, blind but hyper, drilling in me a love hernia
My journey starts in her ringlets, it ends in historical Narnia
I'm the author of discrepancy, she sees me with dull black hair

Misconception reaches its zenneth once two people start to argue
My conversation with her begins in earth, ends in Heaven's church pew
Red hair registers my brain down memory lane
Like a bird flying into the sunset, my girl walks away.
-LL
Mike01506
Posts: 9
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3/24/2015 5:44:54 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 3/24/2015 5:28:25 PM, LaughItUpLydia wrote:
<3 "Red Hair" <3

The wind tosses my vivid imagination back and foth
As I see this girl's head whyp around at me
I can't tell if she's real I don't know where I am
My eyes can't focus because here red hair caught me gutsy

I'm laughable, the way I concentrate and then fade away,
Reality is hard to figure, one moment I'm in a different world than the last
People transform into fairies the creatures from a destined day
The stars tell my future, seeing red hair again brings me to the past

Curls and locks here and there, they compare to waves of a fanta-sea
I want to sail off and catch her beautiful, sweet, soaring breeze
Sometimes she faces me, stares then turns with dignity
But I'd rather look into her hair than see her glare angrily

It doesn't matter if I'm dreaming, I know the past was real
Our friendship was happy back then, our letter of trust was sealed
Something broke into it, maybe I was distracted like I am now
Seeing her hair, I don't need to hear her asking "now are you proud."

This is why my heart penetrates her hair and vice versa
She's like fire, blind but hyper, drilling in me a love hernia
My journey starts in her ringlets, it ends in historical Narnia
I'm the author of discrepancy, she sees me with dull black hair

Misconception reaches its zenneth once two people start to argue
My conversation with her begins in earth, ends in Heaven's church pew
Red hair registers my brain down memory lane
Like a bird flying into the sunset, my girl walks away.
-LL

That's quite lovely.
Deep In meaning, when one looks into it.

"It doesn't matter if I'm dreaming, I know the past was real
Our friendship was happy back then, our letter of trust was sealed
Something broke into it, maybe I was distracted like I am now
Seeing her hair, I don't need to hear her asking "now are you proud.""

- my favourite part. Quite touching.
LaughItUpLydia
Posts: 39
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3/24/2015 6:47:32 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 3/24/2015 5:44:54 PM, Mike01506 wrote:
At 3/24/2015 5:28:25 PM, LaughItUpLydia wrote:
<3 "Red Hair" <3

The wind tosses my vivid imagination back and foth
As I see this girl's head whyp around at me
I can't tell if she's real I don't know where I am
My eyes can't focus because here red hair caught me gutsy

I'm laughable, the way I concentrate and then fade away,
Reality is hard to figure, one moment I'm in a different world than the last
People transform into fairies the creatures from a destined day
The stars tell my future, seeing red hair again brings me to the past

Curls and locks here and there, they compare to waves of a fanta-sea
I want to sail off and catch her beautiful, sweet, soaring breeze
Sometimes she faces me, stares then turns with dignity
But I'd rather look into her hair than see her glare angrily

It doesn't matter if I'm dreaming, I know the past was real
Our friendship was happy back then, our letter of trust was sealed
Something broke into it, maybe I was distracted like I am now
Seeing her hair, I don't need to hear her asking "now are you proud."

This is why my heart penetrates her hair and vice versa
She's like fire, blind but hyper, drilling in me a love hernia
My journey starts in her ringlets, it ends in historical Narnia
I'm the author of discrepancy, she sees me with dull black hair

Misconception reaches its zenneth once two people start to argue
My conversation with her begins in earth, ends in Heaven's church pew
Red hair registers my brain down memory lane
Like a bird flying into the sunset, my girl walks away.
-LL

That's quite lovely.
Deep In meaning, when one looks into it.

"It doesn't matter if I'm dreaming, I know the past was real
Our friendship was happy back then, our letter of trust was sealed
Something broke into it, maybe I was distracted like I am now
Seeing her hair, I don't need to hear her asking "now are you proud.""


- my favourite part. Quite touching.

Thank you my friend!
Rosalie
Posts: 4,612
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4/7/2015 6:31:24 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 3/24/2015 5:44:54 PM, Mike01506 wrote:
At 3/24/2015 5:28:25 PM, LaughItUpLydia wrote:
<3 "Red Hair" <3

The wind tosses my vivid imagination back and foth
As I see this girl's head whyp around at me
I can't tell if she's real I don't know where I am
My eyes can't focus because here red hair caught me gutsy

I'm laughable, the way I concentrate and then fade away,
Reality is hard to figure, one moment I'm in a different world than the last
People transform into fairies the creatures from a destined day
The stars tell my future, seeing red hair again brings me to the past

Curls and locks here and there, they compare to waves of a fanta-sea
I want to sail off and catch her beautiful, sweet, soaring breeze
Sometimes she faces me, stares then turns with dignity
But I'd rather look into her hair than see her glare angrily

It doesn't matter if I'm dreaming, I know the past was real
Our friendship was happy back then, our letter of trust was sealed
Something broke into it, maybe I was distracted like I am now
Seeing her hair, I don't need to hear her asking "now are you proud."

This is why my heart penetrates her hair and vice versa
She's like fire, blind but hyper, drilling in me a love hernia
My journey starts in her ringlets, it ends in historical Narnia
I'm the author of discrepancy, she sees me with dull black hair

Misconception reaches its zenneth once two people start to argue
My conversation with her begins in earth, ends in Heaven's church pew
Red hair registers my brain down memory lane
Like a bird flying into the sunset, my girl walks away.
-LL

That's quite lovely.
Deep In meaning, when one looks into it.

"It doesn't matter if I'm dreaming, I know the past was real
Our friendship was happy back then, our letter of trust was sealed
Something broke into it, maybe I was distracted like I am now
Seeing her hair, I don't need to hear her asking "now are you proud.""


- my favourite part. Quite touching.

I simply agree. It was quite pulchritudinous.
" We need more videos of cat's playing the piano on the internet" - My art professor.

"Criticism is easier to take when you realize that the only people who aren't criticized are those who don't take risks." - Donald Trump

Officially Mrs. 16Kadams 8-30-16
Truth_seeker
Posts: 1,811
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4/22/2015 1:44:11 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 3/24/2015 5:28:25 PM, LaughItUpLydia wrote:
<3 "Red Hair" <3

The wind tosses my vivid imagination back and foth
As I see this girl's head whyp around at me
I can't tell if she's real I don't know where I am
My eyes can't focus because here red hair caught me gutsy

I'm laughable, the way I concentrate and then fade away,
Reality is hard to figure, one moment I'm in a different world than the last
People transform into fairies the creatures from a destined day
The stars tell my future, seeing red hair again brings me to the past

Curls and locks here and there, they compare to waves of a fanta-sea
I want to sail off and catch her beautiful, sweet, soaring breeze
Sometimes she faces me, stares then turns with dignity
But I'd rather look into her hair than see her glare angrily

It doesn't matter if I'm dreaming, I know the past was real
Our friendship was happy back then, our letter of trust was sealed
Something broke into it, maybe I was distracted like I am now
Seeing her hair, I don't need to hear her asking "now are you proud."

This is why my heart penetrates her hair and vice versa
She's like fire, blind but hyper, drilling in me a love hernia
My journey starts in her ringlets, it ends in historical Narnia
I'm the author of discrepancy, she sees me with dull black hair

Misconception reaches its zenneth once two people start to argue
My conversation with her begins in earth, ends in Heaven's church pew
Red hair registers my brain down memory lane
Like a bird flying into the sunset, my girl walks away.
-LL

Very good. My critique is to correct words like foth and fanta-see because it ruins the message a bit. It's deep though.
LaughItUpLydia
Posts: 39
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4/22/2015 10:50:25 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 4/7/2015 6:31:24 PM, Rosalie wrote:
At 3/24/2015 5:44:54 PM, Mike01506 wrote:
At 3/24/2015 5:28:25 PM, LaughItUpLydia wrote:
<3 "Red Hair" <3

The wind tosses my vivid imagination back and foth
As I see this girl's head whip around at me
I can't tell if she's real I don't know where I am
My eyes can't focus because here red hair caught me gutsy

I'm laughable, the way I concentrate and then fade away,
Reality is hard to figure, one moment I'm in a different world than the last
People transform into fairies the creatures from a destined day
The stars tell my future, seeing red hair again brings me to the past

Curls and locks here and there, they compare to waves of a fanta-sea
I want to sail off and catch her beautiful, sweet, soaring breeze
Sometimes she faces me, stares then turns with dignity
But I'd rather look into her hair than see her glare angrily

It doesn't matter if I'm dreaming, I know the past was real
Our friendship was happy back then, our letter of trust was sealed
Something broke into it, maybe I was distracted like I am now
Seeing her hair, I don't need to hear her asking "now are you proud."

This is why my heart penetrates her hair and vice versa
She's like fire, blind but hyper, drilling in me a love hernia
My journey starts in her ringlets, it ends in historical Narnia
I'm the author of discrepancy, she sees me with dull black hair

Misconception reaches its zenneth once two people start to argue
My conversation with her begins in earth, ends in Heaven's church pew
Red hair registers my brain down memory lane
Like a bird flying into the sunset, my girl walks away.
-LL

That's quite lovely.
Deep In meaning, when one looks into it.

"It doesn't matter if I'm dreaming, I know the past was real
Our friendship was happy back then, our letter of trust was sealed
Something broke into it, maybe I was distracted like I am now
Seeing her hair, I don't need to hear her asking "now are you proud.""


- my favourite part. Quite touching.

I simply agree. It was quite pulchritudinous.

Thank you! And also, thank you for introducing to me a new word, Rosalie! If I get the pronunciation down I'll start using it regularly. :)
LaughItUpLydia
Posts: 39
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4/22/2015 10:54:45 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 4/22/2015 1:44:11 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
At 3/24/2015 5:28:25 PM, LaughItUpLydia wrote:
<3 "Red Hair" <3

The wind tosses my vivid imagination back and foth
As I see this girl's head whyp around at me
I can't tell if she's real I don't know where I am
My eyes can't focus because here red hair caught me gutsy

I'm laughable, the way I concentrate and then fade away,
Reality is hard to figure, one moment I'm in a different world than the last
People transform into fairies the creatures from a destined day
The stars tell my future, seeing red hair again brings me to the past

Curls and locks here and there, they compare to waves of a fanta-sea
I want to sail off and catch her beautiful, sweet, soaring breeze
Sometimes she faces me, stares then turns with dignity
But I'd rather look into her hair than see her glare angrily

It doesn't matter if I'm dreaming, I know the past was real
Our friendship was happy back then, our letter of trust was sealed
Something broke into it, maybe I was distracted like I am now
Seeing her hair, I don't need to hear her asking "now are you proud."

This is why my heart penetrates her hair and vice versa
She's like fire, blind but hyper, drilling in me a love hernia
My journey starts in her ringlets, it ends in historical Narnia
I'm the author of discrepancy, she sees me with dull black hair

Misconception reaches its zenneth once two people start to argue
My conversation with her begins in earth, ends in Heaven's church pew
Red hair registers my brain down memory lane
Like a bird flying into the sunset, my girl walks away.
-LL

Very good. My critique is to correct words like foth and fanta-see because it ruins the message a bit. It's deep though.

Thank you! Yes, I wrote it too quickly to edit properly. I regret that, now.