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I shouldn't be alive: justin.graves DDO story
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6/12/2013 6:06:31 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
Recently, I went on a trip to Port-au-Prince, Haiti. Needless to say, there were not many instances where wi-fi was available. After seeing imabench's post on his DDO withdrawal experience, I decided I should too. 50% of what you are about to read is true, 30% in highly exaggerated, and 20% is an outright lie... the names have been changed to protect the guilty and make fun of the innocent.
Day 1, Hour 1: Got on plane to Port-au-Prince, tried to check DDO one more time before I left, but the Wi-Fi was not free. I almost instantly broke and went back to my old addiction... caffeine. I drank 4 bottles of Dt. Mountain Dew. I was a broken man.
Day 1, Hour 2: On plane, but below the 20,000 feet mark when I can get up and relieve myself of my 6 Dt. Mountain Dew... I had some on the plane... Plane passes 20,000 feet mark, but captain informs us the weather is too rough for us to walk around.
Day 1, Hour 3: Had a fight with 4' 6" Hispanic flight attendant as I made a break for the lavatory. I win, and after I make her give me free Dt. Mountain Dew credits... I let her go.
Day 1, Hour 4: Found out I had to go #1 and #2... which would technically make it #3. Anyways, the methane in the air was strong when I left. As I turned to go to my seat, I saw a man taking a pack of cigarettes and a lighter into the lavatory. He never came out the rest of the flight, even when the smoke detector went off.
Day 1, Hour 5: Made it to Haiti. Found out there was Wi-Fi at the compound... but my hopes were dashed when I found that every time I got on DDO, the server crashed.
Day 2, Hour 1: Woke up, ate oatmeal, and thought about my dream in which a bunny ate my toes one at a time while I was being tickled by a koala.
Day 2, Hour 2: Met the hot teen girl, Jessica, that was coming to help us from Missouri. Soon realized there was a language barrier when I asked what temperature she like her drinks, and she said she will drink everything cold except: "Warm pop." Spent 20 finding out that "soda" is "pop" in Missouri.
Day 2, Hour 3: Made my way to the first school for VBS. Talked about DDO non-stop all the way up there until Jessica slapped me. Then I talked non-stop about Star Trek until she kicked me in the groin. I don't make friends easily.
Day 2, Hour 5: Had VBS with kids, found out even one of THOSE kids has DDO on his phone... yet he cannot afford food... needless to say, I gave the food I had to another kid and killed the other one. Actually, according to Haitian tradition, I made him a zombie.
Day 2, Hour 7: Went to new school for VBS, got conned out of $20 by my sponsor child's father. He had a voice that made you feel like you were being conned out of your very soul.
Day 2, Hour 10: Made it back to the compound and tried the Wi-Fi again. Server went down again, and everyone who had Instagram hated me.
Day 3, Hour 1: Woke up, ate oatmeal, thought about my dream in which a koala kicked my in the crotch while I was doing the polka.
Day 3, Hour 10: I have amnesia for this entire part. I was going through DDO withdrawal and the 2 sodas an hour weren't helping.
Day 4, Hour 1: Woke up, ate oatmeal, thought about my dream in which I got hit by a truck driven by a koala and a platypus. A panda was in the bed.
Day 4, Hour 2: Saw Jessica again. Apparently, while I was going though DDO withdrawal, I did something that totally turned her on. she said I was her boyfriend now.
Day c4, Hour 6: Halfway through my excitement that I actually had a girlfriend... I remembered I already had one back home. Tried to contact my girlfriend back home using DDO, failed and brought the server down again. Now, I have to go into hiding in the bathroom because everyone wanted to kill me slowly. Specifically by "death by 1,000 cuts." I had no idea what that was and didn't want to find out.
Day 4, Hour 7: Thought about becoming polygamist. Then I remembered I'm Baptist. We only divorce and marry lots of times over several years. Not multiple wives at once.
Day 4, Hour 8: Kids came to compound to get toys, candy, and other goodies. Then I saw it: a kid with an iPhone using DDO. I lured him over behind the medical clinic, stole the iPhone, and threatened to rip his head off and make him eat it if I told anyone. I tried to then use the iPhone, but I didn't know the password. Dang it.
Day 5, Hour 1: Woke up, ate oatmeal, and thought about my dream where I was mugged by a koala speaking Swahili.
Day 5, Hour 2: Realized how cruel I had been to the children of Haiti, and gave away the iPhone I broke when I hit it with a whiffle-bat 2,497 times.
Day 5, Hour 7: Woke up from a coma without any memory. Jessica informed me I had been beaten with a whiffle-bats by a gang of Haitians who wanted my DDO debating secrets. I cried like a baby and gave it to them, but when they took my of the crucifix in the middle of town, I fell down and cracked my skull on a statue of the Virgin Mary.
Day 6, Hour 1: Packed to go home to Haiti, but the plane got eaten by Godzilla while Obama was using it as a plate for his Memorial Day duck.
Day 1, Hour 2: Woke up from a terrible nightmare brought on by DDO withdrawal. Had a normal missions trip, but crashed the server trying to get on DDO 3 times. Until I was caught.
-Justin K. Graves, Demon Hunter