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Church of kfc

Vox_Veritas
Posts: 7,072
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6/19/2015 7:40:40 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
Good evening fellow churchgoers and casual browsers who wandered into this mass out of sheer curiosity. I invite you to take a seat as I read from the holy book of our church which contains the lessons and wisdom from the almighty Mod, who passed those lessons and wisdom to his one true son, our prophet, the great 420. Praise be onto 420!

So come on in,
Listen up,
Take a seat,
And shut the fudge up.
It's religion time! :D

This is the single and sacred story of 420 and the revelation received to him from Mod. So listen carefully:

Long, long ago, in an era told of in history books, there was a great empire. It was called 'Murica, a nation known for its mighty heroes known as "GIs". 'Murica later collapsed and was replaced in a short but historic ancient era known as the "late sixties and early seventies" by the much weaker nation called "America" (which still exists today), established by pot-smoking hippies who believed in free love, pot (lots and lots of of pot), pretty glowy lights, hippie vans, booze, the Beatles, and William Shatner's shirtless chest.
During this time period 'Murica was involved in a war against a country called Vietnam, and the hippies had assembled together in a big city to protest the war (though most of them were there because they thought the van at the front of the procession was chasing after a psychedelic rainbow pony).
The protest started to get a little out of hand and the National Guard was called in to disperse the crowd. One man in front of the crowd was named Harland David Sanders. He was hit by a rubber bullet in the head and he was knocked out. When he awoke, he was at the local police station. Apparently while at the protest he had started gnawing on a fire hydrant (though he had no memory of doing this, presumably because he was high). Well, the judge threw the book at him (he had the bruise on his head for two weeks) and he was sentenced to five years in prison.

Once in prison, he quickly realized that he would be given no drugs and no booze. However, he also quickly realized that the prisoners made their own wine. So, following their lead, the next time he was served grapes to eat he took them back to his cell, crushed them, and put the resulting grape juice in his toilet (it was a toilet made out of lead) and closed the lid so that it could ferment for 9 months.
9 months later, he took it out and drank it. Then, a few minutes later, he had a vision, where he saw an almighty being known as "Mod". Mod told Sanders to take up the name "420" and to escape from prison.
After he came to, he decided to obey the voice of Mod. He knew that the best way to escape was to bribe a guard (this prison was in the Deep South), but he didn't have any money. So, he paid fellow prisoner Ben Dover a visit. After doing Ben a *ahem* favor, he was given the money needed to bribe a guard and make his escape.

So, having escaped from prison, 420 began a journey walking on the side of the road, following the audible voice of Mod. He was told to go to the top of a nearby mountain, where a mighty man of Mod would be waiting for him. So, 420 began a 15 day journey (what I meant was that it's nearby if you use a car) to the mountain, eating roadkill and drinking rainwater for sustenance. Then, he spent an additional 2 days climbing the mountain.
Finally, though, he reached the top of the mountain, where the mighty man of Mod, Chuck Norris, was waiting. Under Chuck Norris's guidance, 420 learned the commandments of Mod and became a kickbutt karate master. He also learned how to try chicken.

Then, after 40 days and 40 nights of training, 420 was instructed to leave the mountain and walk his way to Louisville, Kentucky.
After 5 days of walking, a truck full of soldiers passed by. They saw him and pulled over. They then grabbed him by the arms.
"What are you doing?!" 420 asked, alarmed.
"No time for questions, soldier!" One of them answered. "Your country needs you!"
And so, 420 was pulled into the truck and he was drafted into the army to go fight in Vietnam.

In Vietnam, 420 discovered that drugs were available to the soldiers, including marijuana. One day, while fighting the Viet Cont with his unit, 420 did, while high, suddenly come out from his trench and walk across the No Man's Land. After seeing how gutsy this foreign occupier was, the Viet Cont troops turned and ran.
For showing "true courage on the battlefield" and for being a "real man", 420 was given the rank of Colonel and honorably discharged from the army. He requested that they drop him off in Louisville, Kentucky, and they did so.

In Louisville at last, 420 followed the voice of Mod and stumbled into an auditorium, where the false prophet, a giant talking chicken named Chickadee, was preaching to his followers. Chickadee, claiming to be the true son of Mod, misquoted Mod by taking everything he said out of context, such as:

"I've manipulated everyone on the site to be my friends since day one."
-Mod

"Child Abuse is always good."
-Mod

"The third world isn't gonna exploit itself."
-Mod

Upon hearing such lies, 420 walked onto the stage and angrily confronted Chickadee, setting the record about Mod straight. Humiliated in front of all his followers, Chickadee then charged at 420. 420 then ran out of the building, but Chickadee continued to chase after him, Chickadee's curious followers chasing after them both.
420 then led Chickadee to the kitchen of a restaurant, where a very large vat of vegetable oil was burning. 420 used his karate awesomeness to subdue Chickadee, and then he threw the false prophet into the vegetable oil.

That day, a LOT of fried chicken was prepared, and 420 gave it away to Chickadee's former followers.
Since 420's gospel made sense, and perhaps because it was the second time that they had been given food by a holy man (most of Chickadee's followers were homeless), they decided to pledge allegiance to 420 as the true son of Mod. Unfortunately, though, a small sect was still loyal to Chickadee and they formed the false church which is called the Church of Nac, a false church that still exists today.

So, 420 became head of the Church of kfc, so named because it's headquarters was at a restaurant called KFC opened by 420 where the auditorium was. The restaurant known as KFC has since branched out and it now has locations across the United States and the world.

Well, that concludes the church's first and final Mass. Praise be onto 420!
Call me Vox, the Resident Contrarian of debate.org.

The DDO Blog:
https://debatedotorg.wordpress.com...

#drinkthecoffeenotthekoolaid
ESocialBookworm
Posts: 14,361
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6/20/2015 6:02:21 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
Tis b cute
Solonkr~
I don't care about whether an ideology is "necessary" or not,
I care about how to solve problems,
which is what everyone else should also care about.

Ken~
In essence, the world is fucked up and you can either ignore it, become cynical or bitter about it.

Me~
"BAILEY + SOLON = SAILEY
MY SHIP SAILEY MUST SAIL"

SCREW THAT SHIZ #BANNIE = BAILEY & ANNIE

P.S. Shipped Sailey before it was cannon bitches.
Vox_Veritas
Posts: 7,072
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6/20/2015 6:48:41 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/20/2015 6:08:30 PM, UtherPenguin wrote:
If imabench is the Pope, then does that make you Martin Luther?

Not at all. I'm like the Medieval Pope and Imabench is like the Caliph of the land of the Mohammedans.
Call me Vox, the Resident Contrarian of debate.org.

The DDO Blog:
https://debatedotorg.wordpress.com...

#drinkthecoffeenotthekoolaid
UtherPenguin
Posts: 3,682
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6/20/2015 6:50:08 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/20/2015 6:48:41 PM, Vox_Veritas wrote:
At 6/20/2015 6:08:30 PM, UtherPenguin wrote:
If imabench is the Pope, then does that make you Martin Luther?

Mohammedans.

https://blueollie.files.wordpress.com...
"Praise Allah."
~YYW
ResponsiblyIrresponsible
Posts: 12,398
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6/21/2015 4:51:44 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/19/2015 7:40:40 PM, Vox_Veritas wrote:

From Bench:

"Someone tell Vox that his religion he tried to make failed harder than every fanfiction he ever made."
~ResponsiblyIrresponsible

DDO's Economics Messiah
1harderthanyouthink
Posts: 13,102
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6/21/2015 4:57:45 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
No.

No.

No.
"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here,
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear - that I'm not here."

-Syd Barrett

DDO Risk King
Vox_Veritas
Posts: 7,072
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6/21/2015 6:00:32 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
...How the crap did I continually misspell Viet Cong? Oh wait, autocorrect.
Call me Vox, the Resident Contrarian of debate.org.

The DDO Blog:
https://debatedotorg.wordpress.com...

#drinkthecoffeenotthekoolaid
Vox_Veritas
Posts: 7,072
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6/21/2015 6:04:25 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/21/2015 4:57:45 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Praise 420.

Fixed
Call me Vox, the Resident Contrarian of debate.org.

The DDO Blog:
https://debatedotorg.wordpress.com...

#drinkthecoffeenotthekoolaid
Vox_Veritas
Posts: 7,072
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6/21/2015 6:06:37 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/21/2015 4:51:44 PM, ResponsiblyIrresponsible wrote:
At 6/19/2015 7:40:40 PM, Vox_Veritas wrote:

From Bench:

"Someone tell Vox that his religion he tried to make is much better than mine.

Fixed.
Call me Vox, the Resident Contrarian of debate.org.

The DDO Blog:
https://debatedotorg.wordpress.com...

#drinkthecoffeenotthekoolaid
ResponsiblyIrresponsible
Posts: 12,398
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6/21/2015 6:11:19 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/21/2015 6:06:37 PM, Vox_Veritas wrote:
At 6/21/2015 4:51:44 PM, ResponsiblyIrresponsible wrote:
At 6/19/2015 7:40:40 PM, Vox_Veritas wrote:

From Bench:

"Someone tell Vox that his religion he tried to make is much better than mine.

Fixed.

Lol

Naw.
~ResponsiblyIrresponsible

DDO's Economics Messiah