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DDO House of Cards, Season 2, Episode 1

daytonanerd
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12/6/2015 6:49:42 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
DDO House of Cards
Episode 15
Season 2 Premiere
Written by: Daytonanerd

As is standard, italics are for direct talking to the audience. The rest is his own narration.
=============================================================
Christ, it's been a while.

Every day I spend in this shantytown is a day closer to when I die of consuming so much $hit.

I mean, really, everything's gone to $hit, and I can only blame myself for that.

But I'm a politician. Why the hell would I do that?
=============================================================
7 months ago...

The downsides of being vice president were slowly being exposed to me. I now was under a kind of scrutiny the Kardashians would call invasive. I found myself making decisions whose sole purpose was to please other people.

For example, my name, 'Seventhprofessor' had fallen out of favor. Too old, they say. Practically dead, they say.

So I decided that my best course of action was to change my name to something a bit more... Impactful.

I now was known as 'Wylted'.

Because I did this on one of my specially allotted vice presidential drinking days, I also had my old chief of staff Yay with me, and because he was more hammered than I was, he changed his name to '1harderthanyouthink'.

The next morning, I was called into Airmax's office.

"Ah, yes, hello, Mr. Vice President. Have a seat."- Airmax

"Why thank you, but don't you normally call me by name?"- Wylted, as I sat in my seat

"Why yes, I would call you by your name... If you hadn't gone and had it changed to something that is more fitting on a tattoo on an emo girl. Which brings me to the topic of today's meeting..."

"Sir?"

"Just what the hell are you playing at?"

"Excuse me?"

"Do you know how bad this whole thing makes the administration look?"

"Errr... I guess it'd be negatively bad, because it's a pretty cool name, and we should be cruising in the 'good' areas by my estimates."

Airmax's controlled rage was becoming a bit less controlled by the second.

"Do you know what Fox News is saying about the administration right now because of what you've done?"

"Sir, let me stop you right there, because I'd like to point out the real travesty of this entire scenario was the discovery that you watch Fox News."

That also reminded me, I needed to see EndarkenedRationalist and tell him just how $hitty his sham of a news company is for the hundredth time.

"That is NOT the point, Sev-"

"AHEM."

"SORRY, WYLTED, YOU TWAT."

"Better."

"Anyways, you know damn well how wrong this whole thing was. Hell, why did I even agree to let you have drinking nights?"

"Well, let me make a couple things clear to you, Mr. President. One, drinking nights aren't yours to just give and take away. It has been a tradition of this office ever since Aaron Burr sat down in his office and thought of just how sad his life truly was. Two, I'm not nearly as bad with drinking nights as Thett was when he was vice president, when he straight up killed a prostitute. And three, and most importantly, you're acting as if this name change was a bad idea, when it CLEARLY WASNT. You and I both know that had I kept on going as Seventhprofessor, my credibility would be destroyed by how old and unfashionable the name Seventhprofessor is."

"Oh, so you're talking about credibility now? Then let me ask you, just how credible is it for a vice president, a man in the second highest elected position in this country, to change his name?"

"If it's a dope name, I'm sure the people will forgive that pretty excellent vice president."

"Christ man. I can't take much more of this."

President Airmax used his pager.

"Sir, if I may ask, why do you still have a pager?"

"Shut up."

A man disheveled by the loss of the love of his life, gay bars, due to his position, hurriedly walked into the office.

"You called me?"- Bsh

Oh, and I also killed his fiancee.

"No, I paged you. Remember that. Get me some asprin. Seventh is being a pain in the a$s, so get me the normal 5 pills."

"Sir, I think he prefers to go by the name 'Wylted' now."

"And I would prefer that he doesn't change his name on a drunken rampage, but you can't always get what you want, right?"

Bsh came back with the presidential standard cocktail of asprin, cough medicine, vicadin, morphine, heroin, amphetamines, and crack. It was like the ultimate speedball combined with enough downers to tranquilize Godzilla. It was called 'The Rickety Roller Coaster at the Shady Theme Park.

"Ah, thanks, Bsh. Now that that's taken care of, I think it's time that we take care of the elephant in the room."

"What's that, sir?"

President Airmax relaxed in his chair, a very leisurely look popping up on his face.

"Wylted has been a very... veery naughty boy."

"Oh have I, Mr. President? And what are you going to do about it?"
=============================================================
I came back to my vice presidential offices with a tired, disheveled look. Harder confronted me.

"I take it you had a hard time with the president?"- Harder

"Trust me, it was tougher than you could have ever imagined."

"But are we allowed to keep the names?"

"Yeah, but in exchange, I have to give a White House press briefing sometime next week, and you have to give the Press Secretary a blowjob."

"Ya know, those two are practically the same thing."
=============================================================
#FeeltheFreezerBern
daytonanerd
Posts: 6,769
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12/6/2015 6:55:24 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
It's been too long. Maybe fanfiction is dead, but I really wanted to resurrect this series. So enjoy the first episode back.
#FeeltheFreezerBern
16kadams
Posts: 10,497
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12/6/2015 8:04:50 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 12/6/2015 6:55:24 AM, daytonanerd wrote:
It's been too long. Maybe fanfiction is dead, but I really wanted to resurrect this series. So enjoy the first episode back.

Good, bring it back or die you pinko atheistic godless communist
https://www.youtube.com...
https://rekonomics.wordpress.com...
"A trend is a trend, but the question is, will it bend? Will it alter its course through some unforeseen force and come to a premature end?" -- Alec Cairncross
16kadams
Posts: 10,497
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12/6/2015 8:05:29 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 12/6/2015 8:04:50 AM, 16kadams wrote:
At 12/6/2015 6:55:24 AM, daytonanerd wrote:
It's been too long. Maybe fanfiction is dead, but I really wanted to resurrect this series. So enjoy the first episode back.

Good, bring it back or die you pinko atheistic godless communist

(In a good way)
https://www.youtube.com...
https://rekonomics.wordpress.com...
"A trend is a trend, but the question is, will it bend? Will it alter its course through some unforeseen force and come to a premature end?" -- Alec Cairncross
daytonanerd
Posts: 6,769
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12/6/2015 6:36:12 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 12/6/2015 8:05:29 AM, 16kadams wrote:
At 12/6/2015 8:04:50 AM, 16kadams wrote:
At 12/6/2015 6:55:24 AM, daytonanerd wrote:
It's been too long. Maybe fanfiction is dead, but I really wanted to resurrect this series. So enjoy the first episode back.

Good, bring it back or die you pinko atheistic godless communist

(In a good way)

I need to make a hokey religious-type movie called 'Fanfiction is Not Dead'. That'll show them.
#FeeltheFreezerBern
ButterCatX
Posts: 2,228
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12/8/2015 2:35:47 PM
Posted: 12 months ago
Too legit
I bet fanfics are already being posted on random blogs about us.-Vaarka

Butters preformed his duty to the town and died with honor, he helped us kill scum, so we know have to go and make sure his death wasn't in vain and win this game for him.-lannan13

All hail the great and mighty Butters, who died for our inactive cause.-Vaarka

fuckith offith, lol.-Ore(talking to me)

And guess what happened to FT? He got raped to death.-Xlav

You are so obviously town I love you man.-VOT
breakingamber
Posts: 1,422
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12/14/2015 11:34:28 PM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/8/2015 10:22:05 PM, daytonanerd wrote:
At 12/8/2015 2:35:47 PM, ButterCatX wrote:
Too legit

To quit

I LOVE YOU DTA! (not literally)
I've been reading the series since about yesterday, and the sudden stoppage made me virtually go insane! This new episode changed my life (again, not really. Pretend its true)

I look forward to the next episode.
MAY THE WRATH OF THE MODS BE UPON YOU!
- Master Elodin

"When will [Obliteration] learn that Funtimes' plan of saving/destroying the world with pancakes is the only way? "
"She wouldn't even have to make real pancakes! Just the batter, and Obliteration could cook it with his powers! OBLITERATION, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TALENTS"
- Voidus and TwiLyghtSansSparkles

"An Epic stage magician and a zombie dinosaur? She sure as Braize won"t pull the line there!"
- Edgedancer
daytonanerd
Posts: 6,769
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12/15/2015 1:02:08 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/14/2015 11:34:28 PM, breakingamber wrote:
At 12/8/2015 10:22:05 PM, daytonanerd wrote:
At 12/8/2015 2:35:47 PM, ButterCatX wrote:
Too legit

To quit

I LOVE YOU DTA! (not literally)
I've been reading the series since about yesterday, and the sudden stoppage made me virtually go insane! This new episode changed my life (again, not really. Pretend its true)

I look forward to the next episode.

Feels good, man.
#FeeltheFreezerBern
breakingamber
Posts: 1,422
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12/15/2015 1:03:16 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/15/2015 1:02:08 AM, daytonanerd wrote:
At 12/14/2015 11:34:28 PM, breakingamber wrote:
At 12/8/2015 10:22:05 PM, daytonanerd wrote:
At 12/8/2015 2:35:47 PM, ButterCatX wrote:
Too legit

To quit

I LOVE YOU DTA! (not literally)
I've been reading the series since about yesterday, and the sudden stoppage made me virtually go insane! This new episode changed my life (again, not really. Pretend its true)

I look forward to the next episode.

Feels good, man.

I also decided to make a FanFiction (sort of following in your footsteps)
Do you mind if I use you as a supporting character?
MAY THE WRATH OF THE MODS BE UPON YOU!
- Master Elodin

"When will [Obliteration] learn that Funtimes' plan of saving/destroying the world with pancakes is the only way? "
"She wouldn't even have to make real pancakes! Just the batter, and Obliteration could cook it with his powers! OBLITERATION, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TALENTS"
- Voidus and TwiLyghtSansSparkles

"An Epic stage magician and a zombie dinosaur? She sure as Braize won"t pull the line there!"
- Edgedancer
daytonanerd
Posts: 6,769
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12/15/2015 1:03:53 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/15/2015 1:03:16 AM, breakingamber wrote:
At 12/15/2015 1:02:08 AM, daytonanerd wrote:
At 12/14/2015 11:34:28 PM, breakingamber wrote:
At 12/8/2015 10:22:05 PM, daytonanerd wrote:
At 12/8/2015 2:35:47 PM, ButterCatX wrote:
Too legit

To quit

I LOVE YOU DTA! (not literally)
I've been reading the series since about yesterday, and the sudden stoppage made me virtually go insane! This new episode changed my life (again, not really. Pretend its true)

I look forward to the next episode.

Feels good, man.

I also decided to make a FanFiction (sort of following in your footsteps)
Do you mind if I use you as a supporting character?

Hell, make me the main, I don't mind.
#FeeltheFreezerBern