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Stupid highschool paper

CosmicAlfonzo
Posts: 5,955
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11/3/2011 10:11:06 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
I was just rummaging through my sh!t, as I'm in the process of moving right now, and I happened to stumble on this old paper I wrote waaaay back when in highschool.

I hate to have a hipster moment, but I knew Teddy Roosevelt was bad @ss before it was cool to know that Teddy Roosevelt was bad @ss.

After turning in this paper(which is shown here with no grammatical corrections), I received an in school suspension. It was totally worth it.
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CosmicAlfonzo
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11/3/2011 10:15:06 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Tribute to Teddy da Bad @ss

As you all know(or should), Friday was the anniversary to the day that Teddy Roosevelt died. Jaunuary 6th, 1919

Teddy was the greatest all American bad @ss to ever bad @ss the badlands of badassneum. Not even Rambo, Hulk Hogan, or Tom Skilling ALL COMBINED come close. Plus, you have to admit, he has a VERY stylish mustache, and funky fresh monocle that just SCREAM "Bad @ss".

Teddy Roosevelt was a man... Who was born a boy.. Theodore twas his name, and he was a sickly child. He was a miserable sack of crap, but did he cry? Did he slit his wrists and listen to sh!tty bands like ICP or My Chemical Romance? HELL NO! Teddy, with his young newfound manitutde(that's manly attitude), overcame his asthmas, and sickness craps, and became the epitome of great health!

Why, Teddy would then, after going through college, and doing penis push ups like all manly men do, would move to the badlands. He would become a cowboy, and frequently head butted bulls to death JUST BECAUSE HE COULD. It is said that once, when Teddy was hiking on a mountain, he saw something shiny in the rocks. Using his hard head, he head butted the mountain until mining up a fortune in gold! He would use this gold to make a life size statue of his shlong, and then donate the rest to charity. Needless to say, there wasn't much left to give to the poor.

After that adventure, Teddy would join the Navy, just for the hell of it. Then came along the Spanish American war. Did Teddy cry because he had to kill some Spanish b@stards? HEEEEEELL NO!

Deep in the Cuban mainland.. The battle of San Juan Hill.. The Spanish were holding a hill, and were fortified there. EVERYONE knows that in a gun fight, those with the high ground have an advantage. Back then when the war took place, it was even more so an advantage. But did Teddy run off and slit his wrists because it was too hard? Did he order a pizza with JUST CHEESE? HELLS NAW! Teddy charged up that hill and d!ck slapped every single one of those Spanish b@stards to death! Capturing the hill, and winning the Spanish American war like the true American partriot he was!

Teddy came back to America, and ran as the Vice President for William McKinley. Willy would get shot by some mad man. Teddy, witnessing this, unwrapped his tool and p!ssed with such a force, that the president killer would get a 2 centimeter hole shot right through his heart! Teddy was sworn into office soon after. As his first act as president, Teddy held the gladiator games in honor of McKinley, and as the opening for it, knife fought a cougar just for the hell of it. Teddy OF COURSE made shiny boots out of that crusty cat with his dull 2 inch knife. Teddy Roosevelt boasted that he spoke quietly, and carried a big stick. This of course had dual meanings.

Teddy as President would do many things, like jump in the middle of traffic just to get hit by cars, and stuff. He would continue to do manly things such as beat the crap out of people, and wrestle grizzly bears. He would also build the Panama Canal, because he was such a nice guy, and send the army on the coal miners because they were lazy slackers who wouldn't mine coal.

During this time, Teddy would win the Nobel Peace Prize by ending the war between Russia and Japan. Teddy was called down there to be a mediator during the negotiations. Things were going down the toilet, and the emperor of Japan ended up calling the Czar of Russia's mother a filthy drunken wh0re. The Czar gave Japan the finger, called him a needle d1ck, and was about to get up and kick some Jap @ss when Teddy got up from his seat. Unbuckling his pants, Teddy pulled out his johnson, and proceeded to slap some sense into both the Emperor of Japan and the Czar of Russia. Fearing for their lives, Russia and Japan both agreed on peace, and Teddy was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize!

But what? How can someone as violent as Teddy Roosevelt win the Nobel Peace Prize? Well if Yassar Araphat or whatever the hell his name can be awarded it, even though he bombed the mother fvcking Olympics, then OF COURSE Teddy can do it. The most he ever did was d1ck slap 2,000 Spaniards to death, slaughter a majillion ninjas, and kill over 10,000 endangered animals!

Anyway, Teddy would leave after his second term, and go to Africa to kill more dangerous animals. He would get into some crazy adventures, when eventually he would go back to the US. Unsatisfied with the current president(Taft, who Teddy said was a girly man), Teddy decided to run, and this time with his OWN party! The Bull Moose Party, which is a pretty bad @ss name, if I do say so myself.

Anyway, Teddy was about to give a speech when this loony came up and shot him. Did Teddy cry, and give up on life right there? HELL NAW!

Teddy walked up to the guy who shot him, and shoved his d1ck so far down the guy's throat, that the assissin's prostate exploded. Teddy, being the manly man that he be, insted of going to the hospital, gave the people the speech that HE PROMISED. Teddy Roosevelt got up there, and delivered his TWO HOUR LONG SPEECH. By the end of it, Teddy's boots were filled to the top with blood. Everyone was all, "OMFG! TEDDY WAS SHOT!". But Teddy, at the end of his speech proudly exclaimed "It takes more than ONE bullet to kill a bull moose!"

Teddy sadly would lose that election because Americans are too poosie to vote outside of the Democrat and Republican parties. Either that or there was some SERIOUS ballet stuffing, because we all know that Teddy is too awesome. Teddy would have just killed congress off, and become the official King of America, but he of course, believed in the American way, and left Democracy as it should be.

So Teddy went down to the Amazon, and explored the place because he was bored. Beating up ninjas, cannibals, and the life. Till he found the.. get this... THE RIO OF DOUBT.. The deadliest cannibal infested river of death everness. Did Teddy put his hands between his legs and kiss his @ss goodbyee? HEEEELL NO! Teddy explored the hell out of that river, beat the sh!t out of King Kong, and the river was renamed to "Rio Roosevelt" in his honor.

So then, after leaving that hell hole, Teddy went on some MORE crazy adventures, one of his most notable traveling back in time, and helping Isaac Newton invent Trigonometry and all that garbage. Eventually, Teddy would retire to his fortress of Manitude. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Tap Dancing Christ, the one and only, challenged Teddy to an arm wrestling match.

Now, this has only happened to 3 other Americans before Teddy. The three being...

George Washington, who almost won, but ended up losing his teeth in the process. Jesus said that Washington was cool in his book, and gave America the title of "One Nation Under God."

Andrew Jackson, who put up a good show, but ended up losing. He was like 80 or something when he did the arm wrestling though.

Stonewall Jackson, who lost, but still showed that America kicks more @ss than your country. Hislast name being the same as Andrew's is completely coincidental.

Anyway, Teddy did the unthinkable and actually BEAT Jesus in the match. Jesus was a sore loser though, and turned Teddy's blood into wine. Teddy managed to live 3 whole days before eventually collapsing in his drunken stupor and dying. Having blood of pure alcohol isn't good for you, kiddies.

Anyway, some historians try to make it like he died of a coronary embolism or something.. This was just some crap made up by atheists, and muslims or something. It is false, because we all know that it takes more than a bullet, or some "Coronary Embullshit" to kill a bull moose!
Official "High Priest of Secular Affairs and Transient Distributor of Sonic Apple Seeds relating to the Reptilian Division of Paperwork Immoliation" of The FREEDO Bureaucracy, a DDO branch of the Erisian Front, a subdivision of the Discordian Back, a Limb of the Illuminatian Cosmic Utensil Corp
CosmicAlfonzo
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11/3/2011 10:16:43 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
This paper is poorly written and stupid as all hell, but even to this day, the thought of me turning this in to my American History class cracks me up.
Official "High Priest of Secular Affairs and Transient Distributor of Sonic Apple Seeds relating to the Reptilian Division of Paperwork Immoliation" of The FREEDO Bureaucracy, a DDO branch of the Erisian Front, a subdivision of the Discordian Back, a Limb of the Illuminatian Cosmic Utensil Corp
tvellalott
Posts: 10,864
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11/3/2011 10:26:02 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
LOL.
I would like to have had a camera on the teachers face as he read it. It's clearly a terrible paper but it's pretty frikkin' hilarious.
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darkkermit
Posts: 11,204
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11/4/2011 1:48:30 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 11/3/2011 10:26:02 PM, tvellalott wrote:
LOL.
I would like to have had a camera on the teachers face as he read it. It's clearly a terrible paper but it's pretty frikkin' hilarious.

Are you kidding me. That's A quality work.
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CosmicAlfonzo
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11/4/2011 2:40:43 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
It's all factual too.
Official "High Priest of Secular Affairs and Transient Distributor of Sonic Apple Seeds relating to the Reptilian Division of Paperwork Immoliation" of The FREEDO Bureaucracy, a DDO branch of the Erisian Front, a subdivision of the Discordian Back, a Limb of the Illuminatian Cosmic Utensil Corp
danlighter
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11/11/2011 9:27:05 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
hi
welcome to this forum site
papers are necessary to test your knowledge but sometimes these paper make us so said and we feel that high school paper are stupid
thanks
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phantom
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11/14/2011 2:30:50 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
It's hilarious and so worth it if you have the guts and character to hand it in.

penis push ups lmao.
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RoyLatham
Posts: 4,488
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11/14/2011 9:39:53 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
I think it is good for a high school student.

Roosevelt was a real character. He would go rock climbing in a park in DC. He was a very faster reader and read one or to books per day, no matter what. When he became president, he knew the detailed history of about every country on earth.
devinni01841
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11/15/2011 11:26:02 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 11/6/2011 3:46:39 PM, Wnope wrote:
The life of Teddy Roosevelt as narrated by Honey Badger.



This video is PURE FREAKING GOLD!
my parents saw it once, and now the words "that's nasty (and/or disgusting)" are always said in a flamboyantly gay voice.
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