Total Posts:6|Showing Posts:1-6
Jump to topic:

Zombie Story

I_Wanna_Rawk
Posts: 480
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
7/27/2016 7:49:23 PM
Posted: 4 months ago
I have decided to start writing an episodic story about the zombie apocalypse based off of an RPG I have been playing with my brother called All Flesh Must Be Eaten. It's a great game, and I encourage anyone interested to try it, or try to set a game up in the forums. Anyway, I'll post the first episode once I finish checking it for errors. Any constructive criticism or feedback is greatly appreciated, as this is the first time I have written "fiction" for a lon time other then D&D adventures...
I_Wanna_Rawk
Posts: 480
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
7/27/2016 8:03:39 PM
Posted: 4 months ago
It began last year. After we wipes out AIDS and the other STDs, humanity got... Careless. No one paid any attention to the PHADES virus, and why should they? It was completely harmless. In fact, it seemed to prolong the lifespan of those infected by a few years. All was well, the world was seeing a huge increase in population, and for once we had enough food and space for everyone. Until last year, July 14, 2021. All of a sudden, about three fourths of people with the virus died, right there on the spot. The doctors didn't know why, but it seemed that the virus caused all of the body's organs to stop working, all at the same time. Except the heart. This made autopsies difficult, as the bodies were still pumping blood, even though they were dead. It was a very panicked time, one that was finally ending. The government tested everyone for PHADES, and put the infected into quarantine where they could try to fin a cure. Many memorials were planned for the victims. At this point, I was in the waiting room of the mental health clinic, waiting for my bi-weekly propaganda session on how I should only hang around the rich white people in my neighborhood, instead of venturing into the ghetto to run with my real friends. I was sitting there, sullenly, in my leather jacket, watching the news, when it showed live coverage of the PHADES memorial. The mother of one of the victims was speaking, and she said something that I couldn't hear because the stupid people who ran the place had the volume turned off. However, what happened next, I did not need volume to understand. There was a camera shift to the tomb of one of the people who died of PHADES, and the door just busted open, flying into the crowd. The people around me murmured, as the corpse INSIDE THE TOMB walks out, lunges into the crowd, and starts tearing and biting at them. This was my worst nightmare come true. Zombies. I watched in horrified fascination as the soldiers guarding the memorial rushed in, and in their panic, fired directly into the crowd to kill the zombie. They tore it, and many, many civilians apart. The people around me were screaming as I remained focused on the TV, knowing what I had to do next. The screen shifted back to a reporter covering the events, who announced that this was not a one time thing, the victims of PHADES were rising up and killing. I rushed out of the hospital, past my parents in their disgusting million dollar clothes, and rushed to my motorcycle.

Let me tell you something that will explain the reaction I had. When I was younger, maybe eight, I saw this zombie movie and it scared the living crap out of me. I would lay awake at night, terrified. Soon, that terror began to morph into anger that I had to deal with this, and I began planning why I would do if that really happened. The first thing was to stay calm and learn all that I could about the zombies. Then, get out, and instead of boarding up houses like they do in the movies, get a hold of an 18-wheeler truck to use as a mobile base of sorts. Outfit it with weapons, food, water, etc. find other survivors. I won't bore you with everything on the list, just know that was a lot. It was my coping mechanism. Every time I thought of something new zombies could do to kill me, I found a defense against it. Yeah, I had a pretty messed-up childhood.

Anyway, I ride the motorcycle over to where my parents live, took the 300,000 my parents keep laying around the house, (more of a mansion) and rode over to the nearest rest stop. It took me about an hour. I found a truck driver, and offered him 120,000, three times the cost of the truck for it. I rode my motorcycle into the trailer, parked it, and set out to find my allies and resources. The first one I met was Sid Rotten. That wasn't his real name, he just liked to be called that. Something about some old punk band. We went around, buying food, water, cell phones, radios, sleeping bags, flare guns, rations, all the stuff you need for an apocalypse. Then we passed by the graveyard. Zombies were swarming out of it, clogging the road. "Oh sh!t!" Sid screamed. "Jimmy, do you have any guns?" I responded that no, we were just headed to the "self defense" store. Sid snarled, and flooded the gas. We plowed through zombies, and finally got out of the area, and arrived at the store. Sid picked up his sledgehammer, put his baseball bat in his backpack, as I held my switchblade as we knocked on the door. I told Sid that I could pick the lock, but he shouted, "we don't have enough time, Jimmy! They're comin, and we gotta get in! With that, he preceded to smash the door open with his hammer, and we rushed in. The shop had been very heavily looted, and the only things we could find were three handguns, a shotgun, one set of pretty weak body armour, and a hunting crossbow. There were accessories for each, such as holsters, straps, etc. I took the crossbow and a quiver that held 20 bolts, and managed to find 140 bolts. That was all that Emma's left out of the previously impressive supply. Sid found a whole case of buckshot for his shotgun, and we found around ten boxes of ammo. We looked behind the counter, and Sid let out a triumphant shout. "Jimmy! Lookatthis!!!!" "Shut up, man." I replied. "The zombies can probably hear you." He didn't say anything, just held up what he found. A freaking assault rifle, with several boxes of ammo. He shoved the shotgun in his bag with the bat, quickly attached a step to his new toy, and we loaded the ammo into the truck.

After driving for awhile, we realized that it was getting dark, so we entered the same camping store we got a lot of our supplies in, and grabbed lanterns, some flashlights, camp chairs, fans, and many, many batteries. It was on pur way out the we heard shuffling noises. "Quiet, Sid. Put your stuff down slowly and get ready..." Sid, a look of determination on his face, set his stuff down, and whispered back, "I wish I didn't leave the sledgehammer in the truck" as he pulled out his shotgun. I wished the same about my crossbow, as I drew my switchblade, and it popped open with an audible *shink*. We crept slowly toward the noise, and saw three zombies shuffling about in the isles, apparently unaware of us. I climed on top of one shelf, and Sid moved closer. All of a sudden, a zombie lunged at him, biting and slashing. It drew a panicked shout from Sid, and a very, very loud noise, almost like that of a thunderclap right next to me sounded, and we were both drenched in zombie blood and guts. Calmly, for someone who was just attacked by a freaking zombie, Sid aimed his shotgun at the next zombie, and fired. He took out one of its legs, but the thing was still coming. Sid fired three more times, finally killing With a shot to the chest, it's undeath ending in a shower of red. The next zombie was much luckier. Sid's shot of panic fire went wide, and the zombie closed in on him. Another shot of fire took off the zombies head, but it just kept coming! It was frustrating that these zombies were not like those in the movies. Sid, out of ammo, fell as the headless zombie landed on top of him, clawing. I knew I had to do something, so I jumped down, and started stabbing the zombie from behind as many times as I could. About 12 knife wounds later, I finally hit something that made it bleed. A lot. A huge burst of blood came up from where I stabbed it, covering my arm and part of my chest, luckily protected by my jacket, and my face, not so lucky. It stunk like hell, but I wiped it off to see Sid shoving the zombie off of him, look at me, and rush to the truck. I followed suit. We drove for awhile in silence, until Sid found a zombie free location where we could park. We got out, and enters the back, and started arranging stuff to have a decent living space. As I was loading canned goods in a bin, Sid turned to me and whispered, "thank you." "You're welcome." I replied. " tomorrow we need to find Marky and his brothers" Sid agreed, and we sl
MattTheDreamer
Posts: 1,394
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
7/29/2016 9:07:28 PM
Posted: 4 months ago
Overall it's good. The story has potential, and it'd be interesting to see where it goes. However I'd recommend to do something unique to really make yourself stand out.

Watch your grammar, there are multiple mistakes in here, that you probably didn't catch because of the lack of paragraphs. Try and use a line for each piece of speech and space out the description more. Imabench's Walking dead story is a good example of how to do this: http://www.debate.org...

Finally, take your time. Don't feel the need to rush along to story. Everything was moving along at a breakneck pace and it was hard to follow at times. Take some time for description of where the characters are and what they're doing.
I_Wanna_Rawk
Posts: 480
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
7/29/2016 9:48:00 PM
Posted: 4 months ago
At 7/29/2016 9:07:28 PM, MattTheDreamer wrote:
Overall it's good. The story has potential, and it'd be interesting to see where it goes. However I'd recommend to do something unique to really make yourself stand out.

Watch your grammar, there are multiple mistakes in here, that you probably didn't catch because of the lack of paragraphs. Try and use a line for each piece of speech and space out the description more. Imabench's Walking dead story is a good example of how to do this: http://www.debate.org...

Finally, take your time. Don't feel the need to rush along to story. Everything was moving along at a breakneck pace and it was hard to follow at times. Take some time for description of where the characters are and what they're doing.
Thanks. I was saying something about how they went to sleep. I probably accidentally exceeded the word count. Your definitely right about how I need to slow down. I'll either not cover as much time or use more then one post in the future.