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Funny Jokes

Microsuck
Posts: 1,562
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7/9/2012 2:28:11 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Wall of Fail

Devil worship much? - SD
Newsflash: Atheists do not believe in the Devil! - Me
Newsflash: I doesnt matter if you think you do or not.....You do - SD

"you [imabench] are very naive and so i do not consider your opinions as having any merit. you must still be in highschool" - falconduler
Microsuck
Posts: 1,562
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7/9/2012 2:29:38 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Do you know what the difference between yo momma and the titanic?

The titanic sunk, yo momma floats.

-->

It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him.
Arthur C. Clarke

Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders?
Friedrich Nietzsche

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Voltaire

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Peter OToole
Wall of Fail

Devil worship much? - SD
Newsflash: Atheists do not believe in the Devil! - Me
Newsflash: I doesnt matter if you think you do or not.....You do - SD

"you [imabench] are very naive and so i do not consider your opinions as having any merit. you must still be in highschool" - falconduler
drafterman
Posts: 18,870
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7/9/2012 2:31:09 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/9/2012 2:30:10 PM, BlackVoid wrote:
Any joke from Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Ron White are awesome.
Microsuck
Posts: 1,562
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7/9/2012 2:31:35 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/9/2012 2:30:54 PM, Maikuru wrote:
The name of this thread is misleading.

Hahaha...not anymore.
Wall of Fail

Devil worship much? - SD
Newsflash: Atheists do not believe in the Devil! - Me
Newsflash: I doesnt matter if you think you do or not.....You do - SD

"you [imabench] are very naive and so i do not consider your opinions as having any merit. you must still be in highschool" - falconduler
BlackVoid
Posts: 9,170
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7/9/2012 2:31:44 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/9/2012 2:31:09 PM, drafterman wrote:
At 7/9/2012 2:30:10 PM, BlackVoid wrote:
Any joke from Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Ron White are awesome.

No Larry? Imo he's the funniest one.
drafterman
Posts: 18,870
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7/9/2012 2:34:19 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/9/2012 2:31:44 PM, BlackVoid wrote:
At 7/9/2012 2:31:09 PM, drafterman wrote:
At 7/9/2012 2:30:10 PM, BlackVoid wrote:
Any joke from Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Ron White are awesome.

No Larry? Imo he's the funniest one.

The first time around. Maybe.
Microsuck
Posts: 1,562
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7/9/2012 2:35:08 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
The first job I had was working at Burger King. My brother got me the job; he was the manager. And you think that'd be cool, right? 'Cause he's my bro. But he was a dick. He thought he was the burger king.
Wall of Fail

Devil worship much? - SD
Newsflash: Atheists do not believe in the Devil! - Me
Newsflash: I doesnt matter if you think you do or not.....You do - SD

"you [imabench] are very naive and so i do not consider your opinions as having any merit. you must still be in highschool" - falconduler
BlackVoid
Posts: 9,170
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7/9/2012 2:35:42 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/9/2012 2:34:19 PM, drafterman wrote:
At 7/9/2012 2:31:44 PM, BlackVoid wrote:
At 7/9/2012 2:31:09 PM, drafterman wrote:
At 7/9/2012 2:30:10 PM, BlackVoid wrote:
Any joke from Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Ron White are awesome.

No Larry? Imo he's the funniest one.

The first time around. Maybe.

Have you seen "Them Idiots Whirled Tour"? It came out recently with a lot of new material.
Maikuru
Posts: 9,112
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7/9/2012 2:53:31 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/9/2012 2:35:08 PM, Microsuck wrote:
The first job I had was working at Burger King. My brother got me the job; he was the manager. And you think that'd be cool, right? 'Cause he's my bro. But he was a dick. He thought he was the burger king.

If you're going to quote a comedian, don't go with Dane Cook. Most of his laughs come from his delivery, not the material. Louis CK, on the other hand....
"You assume I wouldn't want to burn this whole place to the ground."
- lamerde

https://i.imgflip.com...
socialpinko
Posts: 10,458
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7/9/2012 3:08:54 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Pretty sure it went like: Descartes walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks him if he'd like a drink. Descartes responds, "I think not!" and in a puff of logic disappears.
: At 9/29/2014 10:55:59 AM, imabench wrote:
: : At 9/29/2014 9:43:46 AM, kbub wrote:
: :
: : DDO should discredit support of sexual violence at any time and in every way.
:
: I disagree.
bossyburrito
Posts: 14,075
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7/9/2012 3:10:55 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/9/2012 2:31:44 PM, BlackVoid wrote:
At 7/9/2012 2:31:09 PM, drafterman wrote:
At 7/9/2012 2:30:10 PM, BlackVoid wrote:
Any joke from Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Ron White are awesome.

No Larry? Imo he's the funniest one.

Jeff Foxworthy outclasses him in every respect, and I don't even think he's that funny.
#UnbanTheMadman

"Some will sell their dreams for small desires
Or lose the race to rats
Get caught in ticking traps
And start to dream of somewhere
To relax their restless flight
Somewhere out of a memory of lighted streets on quiet nights..."

~ Rush
caveat
Posts: 2,137
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7/9/2012 3:12:33 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
There is an art, it says, or rather, a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. " Clearly, it is this second part, the missing, which presents the difficulties.
Buddamoose
Posts: 19,448
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7/9/2012 3:16:19 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/9/2012 3:12:33 PM, caveat wrote:
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

The end of existence
"Reality is an illusion created due to a lack of alcohol"
-Airmax1227

"You were the moon all this time, and he was always there to make you shine."

"Was he the sun?"

"No honey, he was the darkness"

-Kazekirion
bossyburrito
Posts: 14,075
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7/9/2012 3:17:57 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/9/2012 2:53:31 PM, Maikuru wrote:
At 7/9/2012 2:35:08 PM, Microsuck wrote:
The first job I had was working at Burger King. My brother got me the job; he was the manager. And you think that'd be cool, right? 'Cause he's my bro. But he was a dick. He thought he was the burger king.

If you're going to quote a comedian, don't go with Dane Cook. Most of his laughs come from his delivery, not the material. Ricky Gervais, on the other hand....



This.
#UnbanTheMadman

"Some will sell their dreams for small desires
Or lose the race to rats
Get caught in ticking traps
And start to dream of somewhere
To relax their restless flight
Somewhere out of a memory of lighted streets on quiet nights..."

~ Rush
PeacefulChaos
Posts: 2,610
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7/10/2012 1:30:41 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
There one was a boy named John, and he went to church every Sunday. Every Sunday, all the children would gather and say prayers, but their favorite part was when they got to climb up the bell tower that was right next to the church and ring the giant bell there. Every child would get a turn at ringing the bell; every child, that is, except John. You see, John was born without arms, and as such he was not capable of climbing the ladder up to the bell. John desperately wanted to ring the bell, so much that he became sad, and for several years did not come to church.

When he came back, he had grown taller and stronger, so he went to the priest and asked, "Can I ring the bell now?"

But the priest claimed, "Of course not! You still have no arms! You cannot possibly climb up the ladder, grab the stick, and ring the bell. It is much to dangerous to even attempt it!" But John was determined to ring that bell, so he ran ahead, and using the stumps of his arms, he quickly scaled the ladder. The priest watched, amazed, but then realized that he must stop John. So he too quickly went up the ladder. By the time he got up to the top, John was going to ring the bell.

John said, "Watch, I'm going to ring it," and he charged at the bell like a bull and hit it with his head. Sadly, this had no effect and only produced a small "dunk" sound. So he charged again, and with all his might he hit his head upon the bell! It produced a magnificent sound that all could hear. Dizzy, John stated, "See, I told you I could do it ..." then he collapsed on the ground. Days later, he died from the sever concussion that was caused due to hitting his head on the bell.

The parents, however, did not know that their precious son had died, and they assumed he had gone missing. So for years they searched and searched for him, but never could they find him. One day, they went to the church and happened to come upon the priest. They asked him, "Do you recognize this boy?"

And he replied, "Nope, but it rings a bell."
bossyburrito
Posts: 14,075
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7/10/2012 3:04:32 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/10/2012 1:30:41 PM, PeacefulChaos wrote:
There one was a boy named John, and he went to church every Sunday. Every Sunday, all the children would gather and say prayers, but their favorite part was when they got to climb up the bell tower that was right next to the church and ring the giant bell there. Every child would get a turn at ringing the bell; every child, that is, except John. You see, John was born without arms, and as such he was not capable of climbing the ladder up to the bell. John desperately wanted to ring the bell, so much that he became sad, and for several years did not come to church.

When he came back, he had grown taller and stronger, so he went to the priest and asked, "Can I ring the bell now?"

But the priest claimed, "Of course not! You still have no arms! You cannot possibly climb up the ladder, grab the stick, and ring the bell. It is much to dangerous to even attempt it!" But John was determined to ring that bell, so he ran ahead, and using the stumps of his arms, he quickly scaled the ladder. The priest watched, amazed, but then realized that he must stop John. So he too quickly went up the ladder. By the time he got up to the top, John was going to ring the bell.

John said, "Watch, I'm going to ring it," and he charged at the bell like a bull and hit it with his head. Sadly, this had no effect and only produced a small "dunk" sound. So he charged again, and with all his might he hit his head upon the bell! It produced a magnificent sound that all could hear. Dizzy, John stated, "See, I told you I could do it ..." then he collapsed on the ground. Days later, he died from the sever concussion that was caused due to hitting his head on the bell.

The parents, however, did not know that their precious son had died, and they assumed he had gone missing. So for years they searched and searched for him, but never could they find him. One day, they went to the church and happened to come upon the priest. They asked him, "Do you recognize this boy?"

And he replied, "Nope, but it rings a bell."

That punchline was lame.
#UnbanTheMadman

"Some will sell their dreams for small desires
Or lose the race to rats
Get caught in ticking traps
And start to dream of somewhere
To relax their restless flight
Somewhere out of a memory of lighted streets on quiet nights..."

~ Rush
PeacefulChaos
Posts: 2,610
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7/10/2012 6:31:30 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/10/2012 3:04:32 PM, bossyburrito wrote:
At 7/10/2012 1:30:41 PM, PeacefulChaos wrote:
There one was a boy named John, and he went to church every Sunday. Every Sunday, all the children would gather and say prayers, but their favorite part was when they got to climb up the bell tower that was right next to the church and ring the giant bell there. Every child would get a turn at ringing the bell; every child, that is, except John. You see, John was born without arms, and as such he was not capable of climbing the ladder up to the bell. John desperately wanted to ring the bell, so much that he became sad, and for several years did not come to church.

When he came back, he had grown taller and stronger, so he went to the priest and asked, "Can I ring the bell now?"

But the priest claimed, "Of course not! You still have no arms! You cannot possibly climb up the ladder, grab the stick, and ring the bell. It is much to dangerous to even attempt it!" But John was determined to ring that bell, so he ran ahead, and using the stumps of his arms, he quickly scaled the ladder. The priest watched, amazed, but then realized that he must stop John. So he too quickly went up the ladder. By the time he got up to the top, John was going to ring the bell.

John said, "Watch, I'm going to ring it," and he charged at the bell like a bull and hit it with his head. Sadly, this had no effect and only produced a small "dunk" sound. So he charged again, and with all his might he hit his head upon the bell! It produced a magnificent sound that all could hear. Dizzy, John stated, "See, I told you I could do it ..." then he collapsed on the ground. Days later, he died from the sever concussion that was caused due to hitting his head on the bell.

The parents, however, did not know that their precious son had died, and they assumed he had gone missing. So for years they searched and searched for him, but never could they find him. One day, they went to the church and happened to come upon the priest. They asked him, "Do you recognize this boy?"

And he replied, "Nope, but it rings a bell."

That punchline was lame.

What punchline? Nope, don't remember what joke you're talking about, but it sure rings a bell.