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"Walks into a bar..." jokes

caveat
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7/9/2012 2:47:32 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."
He doesn't react.
There is an art, it says, or rather, a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. " Clearly, it is this second part, the missing, which presents the difficulties.
ConservativePolitico
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7/9/2012 2:49:35 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/9/2012 2:47:32 PM, caveat wrote:
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."
He doesn't react.

Lol

A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer and the bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food."
caveat
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7/9/2012 2:51:17 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
This one made me burst out laughing when I first saw it awhile back:

Salvador Dali walks into a bar. bar Dali a bar the world is the bar walks into a Dali the Virgin Mary and the bar. walks bar Dali the bar is the world Mary Dali
w
h
y
did the chicken
There is an art, it says, or rather, a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. " Clearly, it is this second part, the missing, which presents the difficulties.
bossyburrito
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7/9/2012 2:53:25 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/9/2012 2:51:17 PM, caveat wrote:
This one made me burst out laughing when I first saw it awhile back:

Salvador Dali walks into a bar. bar Dali a bar the world is the bar walks into a Dali the Virgin Mary and the bar. walks bar Dali the bar is the world Mary Dali
w
h
y
did the chicken

LMAO
#UnbanTheMadman

"Some will sell their dreams for small desires
Or lose the race to rats
Get caught in ticking traps
And start to dream of somewhere
To relax their restless flight
Somewhere out of a memory of lighted streets on quiet nights..."

~ Rush
Buddamoose
Posts: 19,449
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7/9/2012 3:23:45 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Man walk into a bar, and in the corner he sees a donkey with a sign in front of it saying, "if you can make the donkey laugh, you win $50, if you can make it cry, you win $100." So the man calmly walks up too the dinkey and it starts laughing immediately. He then walks up to the bartender, collects his $50 and walks out.

The man comes into the bar the next day, and once again walks up to the donkey. Seconds later, it starts crying. The man walks up to the bartender to collect his prize money again. The bartender begrudgingly hands him $100, asking, "i just have to know, how did you get the donkey to laugh?"

"It was simple," the man responds, "to make it laugh, I told the donkey that my d!ck was bigger than his."

"how did you make it cry?" The bartender asked. The man winked and said, "I proved it."

Da Da Tss
"Reality is an illusion created due to a lack of alcohol"
-Airmax1227

"You were the moon all this time, and he was always there to make you shine."

"Was he the sun?"

"No honey, he was the darkness"

-Kazekirion
Buddamoose
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7/9/2012 3:24:27 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/9/2012 2:36:39 PM, drafterman wrote:
An Irishman walks past a bar.

Funniest joke yet
"Reality is an illusion created due to a lack of alcohol"
-Airmax1227

"You were the moon all this time, and he was always there to make you shine."

"Was he the sun?"

"No honey, he was the darkness"

-Kazekirion
mongeese
Posts: 5,387
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7/10/2012 12:33:19 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
A joke I saw on this very site...

A Mormon and a Muslim walk into a bar. They look at each other and say, "What are we doing here?" Then they leave.
medic0506
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7/10/2012 10:12:06 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
A white guy, a black guy, a Jew, and a Chinaman walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks, "What is this some kind of joke??
PeacefulChaos
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7/10/2012 1:18:44 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
I've got a couple good ones.

Two men walk into a bar, and after a while the first one says, "I'd like some H2O, please." Then, the second man, who was also thirsty, decided he wanted some water as well. So he said, "I'd like some H2O, too!"

The second man died.

--

A string walks into the bar, but when he asks for a drink the bartender says, "I'm terribly sorry, but our policy states that we are not allowed to serve string here!" As a result, the string was forced outside of the bar. After a while, he came up with an idea to get inside. He quickly tied himself up into a knot and frayed the edges, then walked into the bar. The bartender stared and said, "Hey, aren't you that string from before?" The string replied by saying, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Maikuru
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7/10/2012 1:57:18 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Courtesy of Clint Eastwood:

A Mexican, a Jew, and a black guy walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Get the f@ck out of here."
"You assume I wouldn't want to burn this whole place to the ground."
- lamerde

https://i.imgflip.com...
bluesteel
Posts: 12,301
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7/10/2012 2:55:16 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/9/2012 2:47:32 PM, caveat wrote:
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."
He doesn't react.

lol

A man walks into a bar.
"Ouch!"
You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into - Jonathan Swift (paraphrase)
1dustpelt
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7/10/2012 3:28:48 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/10/2012 1:18:44 PM, PeacefulChaos wrote:
I've got a couple good ones.

Two men walk into a bar, and after a while the first one says, "I'd like some H2O, please." Then, the second man, who was also thirsty, decided he wanted some water as well. So he said, "I'd like some H2O, too!"

The second man died.

HAHAHA lol good one
--

A string walks into the bar, but when he asks for a drink the bartender says, "I'm terribly sorry, but our policy states that we are not allowed to serve string here!" As a result, the string was forced outside of the bar. After a while, he came up with an idea to get inside. He quickly tied himself up into a knot and frayed the edges, then walked into the bar. The bartender stared and said, "Hey, aren't you that string from before?" The string replied by saying, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

Lol
Wall of LOL
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thett3
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7/10/2012 3:33:17 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
An atom walks into a bar and says "zomg I just lost an electron!!" the bartender asks: "are you sure?!" and the atom says: "Yes, I'm positive!"
DDO Vice President

#StandwithBossy

#UnbanTheMadman

#BetOnThett

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: thett was right
BlackVoid
Posts: 9,170
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7/10/2012 3:51:26 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
A woman and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig."

The woman says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck."

He says, "I was talking to the duck."
Ren
Posts: 7,102
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7/10/2012 5:49:09 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
A bear walks into a bear. The bartender immediately states, "Ohhhh, no, we don't serve naked bears in this here bar."

So, the bear grumbled, but begrudgingly shuffled out.

Later, he returned with jeans on and a paisley tie around his neck. He approached the bar.

"Ohhhh, no, we don't serve bears in paisley in this here bar. Out with you," and he shoos the bear away. This was somehow okay, because the bartender was old and ugly, and the bear sympathized with him. So, the bear grumbled and walked out.

A little while later, the bear returned in a three piece suit. The bartender did pause for a moment this time to really assess what he was seeing, but finally began, "Ohhhh, we don't--" but the bear cut him off and began shouting:

"Don't you tell me anything about what you don't serve! I am dressed to the nines, and I am thirsty, now give me a beer or I will eat that lady back there!" With that, he pointed candidly in the corner, where an attractive lady sat reading in the shadows.

The bartender pondered this a moment, then crossed his arms obstinately and said, "I'm sorry, but--" however, he was again cut off by a roar emitted by the bear, who bounded to the back of the bar and immediately devoured the woman.

As the gore and carnage drew a close and the bar was completely empty, things seemed eerily quiet. It was at this point precisely that the bartender reckoned was the perfect time to finish his sentence, which was:

"...we don't serve drug-addicted bears in this bar."

There was a thickly awkward silence for nearly a minute and a half. Finally, the bear replied, "What? But, I don't--", at which point, the bartender cut in, "Well, what about that bar-biitch-you-ate (barbiturate)?"

Da da da-da da-da-DA!
Ren
Posts: 7,102
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7/10/2012 5:55:38 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/9/2012 2:51:17 PM, caveat wrote:
This one made me burst out laughing when I first saw it awhile back:

Salvador Dali walks into a bar. bar Dali a bar the world is the bar walks into a Dali the Virgin Mary and the bar. walks bar Dali the bar is the world Mary Dali
w
h
y
did the chicken

Sigh. I don't get it.
PeacefulChaos
Posts: 2,610
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7/10/2012 6:29:58 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/10/2012 5:55:38 PM, Ren wrote:
At 7/9/2012 2:51:17 PM, caveat wrote:
This one made me burst out laughing when I first saw it awhile back:

Salvador Dali walks into a bar. bar Dali a bar the world is the bar walks into a Dali the Virgin Mary and the bar. walks bar Dali the bar is the world Mary Dali
w
h
y
did the chicken

Sigh. I don't get it.

Welcome to the club
TUF
Posts: 21,309
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7/11/2012 10:27:47 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/9/2012 3:23:45 PM, Buddamoose wrote:
Man walk into a bar, and in the corner he sees a donkey with a sign in front of it saying, "if you can make the donkey laugh, you win $50, if you can make it cry, you win $100." So the man calmly walks up too the dinkey and it starts laughing immediately. He then walks up to the bartender, collects his $50 and walks out.

The man comes into the bar the next day, and once again walks up to the donkey. Seconds later, it starts crying. The man walks up to the bartender to collect his prize money again. The bartender begrudgingly hands him $100, asking, "i just have to know, how did you get the donkey to laugh?"

"It was simple," the man responds, "to make it laugh, I told the donkey that my d!ck was bigger than his."

"how did you make it cry?" The bartender asked. The man winked and said, "I proved it."

Da Da Tss

Good one.
"I've got to go and grab a shirt" ~ Airmax1227
TUF
Posts: 21,309
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7/11/2012 10:28:05 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/10/2012 1:18:44 PM, PeacefulChaos wrote:
I've got a couple good ones.

Two men walk into a bar, and after a while the first one says, "I'd like some H2O, please." Then, the second man, who was also thirsty, decided he wanted some water as well. So he said, "I'd like some H2O, too!"

The second man died.

--

A string walks into the bar, but when he asks for a drink the bartender says, "I'm terribly sorry, but our policy states that we are not allowed to serve string here!" As a result, the string was forced outside of the bar. After a while, he came up with an idea to get inside. He quickly tied himself up into a knot and frayed the edges, then walked into the bar. The bartender stared and said, "Hey, aren't you that string from before?" The string replied by saying, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

Lol those were cute.
"I've got to go and grab a shirt" ~ Airmax1227
TUF
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7/11/2012 10:33:34 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
A man walks into a bar, and sees a beautiful woman. Instantly he starts flirting with her.

Later on he asks her what her name is. She resoponds that it used to be Mary, but she changed it to Carmen.

The man curiously asks her why.

She responds: "Because that name represents both things I love most in the world. Cars, and men."

The man nod's understandingly.

The woman asks him back: "Whats your name?"

He responds: "Brady Titsandgolf."
"I've got to go and grab a shirt" ~ Airmax1227
caveat
Posts: 2,137
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7/12/2012 1:14:38 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
So he leaves.
The bartender says "we don't serve your kind around here".
A tachyon walks into a bar.
There is an art, it says, or rather, a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. " Clearly, it is this second part, the missing, which presents the difficulties.
drafterman
Posts: 18,870
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7/12/2012 6:02:50 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/12/2012 5:06:05 AM, jm_notguilty wrote:
A black guy, a Muslim, an illegal immigrant and a communist walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "What can I get you Mr. President?"

I don't get it.
ishallannoyyo
Posts: 1,034
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7/12/2012 9:16:11 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey! If you can't speak English, get out of my bar!"

The horse doesn't understand English as it's a horse and promptly "craps" on the ground and walks away.

ANTI-JOKE CHICKEN.
Kleptin
Posts: 5,095
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7/12/2012 5:46:16 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/10/2012 5:49:09 PM, Ren wrote:
A bear walks into a bear. The bartender immediately states, "Ohhhh, no, we don't serve naked bears in this here bar."

So, the bear grumbled, but begrudgingly shuffled out.

Later, he returned with jeans on and a paisley tie around his neck. He approached the bar.

"Ohhhh, no, we don't serve bears in paisley in this here bar. Out with you," and he shoos the bear away. This was somehow okay, because the bartender was old and ugly, and the bear sympathized with him. So, the bear grumbled and walked out.

A little while later, the bear returned in a three piece suit. The bartender did pause for a moment this time to really assess what he was seeing, but finally began, "Ohhhh, we don't--" but the bear cut him off and began shouting:

"Don't you tell me anything about what you don't serve! I am dressed to the nines, and I am thirsty, now give me a beer or I will eat that lady back there!" With that, he pointed candidly in the corner, where an attractive lady sat reading in the shadows.

The bartender pondered this a moment, then crossed his arms obstinately and said, "I'm sorry, but--" however, he was again cut off by a roar emitted by the bear, who bounded to the back of the bar and immediately devoured the woman.

As the gore and carnage drew a close and the bar was completely empty, things seemed eerily quiet. It was at this point precisely that the bartender reckoned was the perfect time to finish his sentence, which was:

"...we don't serve drug-addicted bears in this bar."

There was a thickly awkward silence for nearly a minute and a half. Finally, the bear replied, "What? But, I don't--", at which point, the bartender cut in, "Well, what about that bar-biitch-you-ate (barbiturate)?"

Da da da-da da-da-DA!

LOL, and it makes sense because after he ate her he wasn't anxious anymore :P
: At 5/2/2010 2:43:54 PM, innomen wrote:
It isn't about finding a theory, philosophy or doctrine and thinking it's the answer, but a practical application of one's experiences that is the answer.

: At 10/28/2010 2:40:07 PM, jharry wrote: I have already been given the greatest Gift that anyone could ever hope for [Life], I would consider myself selfish if I expected anything more.
Kleptin
Posts: 5,095
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7/12/2012 5:48:03 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 7/12/2012 1:14:38 AM, caveat wrote:
So he leaves.
The bartender says "we don't serve your kind around here".
A tachyon walks into a bar.

I had to look up tachyon for this one XD
: At 5/2/2010 2:43:54 PM, innomen wrote:
It isn't about finding a theory, philosophy or doctrine and thinking it's the answer, but a practical application of one's experiences that is the answer.

: At 10/28/2010 2:40:07 PM, jharry wrote: I have already been given the greatest Gift that anyone could ever hope for [Life], I would consider myself selfish if I expected anything more.
OberHerr
Posts: 13,062
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7/12/2012 5:49:49 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
A man walks into a bar.

Another man walks into a bar.

Luckily, the third man ducked just in time.

-------------------------------------------------------

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
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