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The Long Joke Thread

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8/8/2012 1:14:52 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
NOTE: This is my favourite long joke of all time and I have told it many, many times. I basically took the original joke and expanded it into an entertaining (for me to tell anyway) story. I don't know how will it will translate to text, but here goes...

A guy is driving down a highway, looking for a gas station. "I should have filled up back there damn it..." he mutters to himself, checking the fuel gauge every few moments, as though it will make a difference.
The night is coming on quickly and his destination is still quite aways off, so when he comes to a large motel in the middle of nowhere, he turns in... just in time for his car to run out of gas. "That was lucky" he says, smiling. Planning on staying the night and heading to the nearest gas station in the morning, he heads inside.
He enters the office and rings the bell and within a few moments, a elderly man comes out to greet him.
"Hello sir, forgive my presumptuousness but I assume you are wanting a room." the old man says grinning.
"Of course good sir!" he says and reaches into his pocket to take out his wallet.
"I hope you have cash my friend, our EFTPOS facilities are currently down..."
The young man frowns...
"I only have $24 in cash."
The old man taps away on his ancient keyboard.
"Well, we have a small room you can rent for that price but it has a... condition of sorts."
"Yes, you can have the room under the condition that you do not, under any circumstances, touch the pink bear."
"Pink... bear?"
"You'll see when you get in there. It shouldn't be a problem, but I have to stress this point anyway."
The man hands over the cash.
"No worries pal, don't touch the pink bear... Sounds simple enough."
The old man hands over the key.

As the man enters the room, the stench of stale air floods his nose. No-one has stayed in here for a while, he decides. He flicks the light on and immediately is unnerved by what he sees. The room is tiny, with a toilet, small sink and single bed the only normal things in the room. However, in one corner there is a floor to ceiling cage with thick steel bars... In that cage is what appears to be a pink care bear. It's eyes follow him as he enters but it otherwise remains totally still.
"What the fvck?"
The man remembers the warning. Don't. Touch. It.
"Whatever." he exclaims, taking off his shoes and falling onto the bed without bothering to get under the covers. Soon, he is asleep.

Sometime later, when the night is black, the man awakes with a start.. cold sweat pours down his face. He sits up and looks over at the bear. It hasn't moved, but it's cold plastic eyes are looking directly at him. It appears to be grinning now, where it wasn't before.
The man remembers the warning. Don't. Fvcking. Touch. It.
He lays back down, laughing at his silliness. Even if it were a threat, it's in a cage for god sake. Soon, he is asleep again.

He awakes with a start again, his pillow soaking wet from the sweat. This time he turns and sits on the edge of the bed. He stares at the bear for several minutes this time. "I'm being an idiot. Let's just get through the night so I can get the hell out of here!" He flips the pillow, gets under the covers and goes back to sleep.

This time, he awakes with a scream. "AHHHH!!!" he says, unable to recall what he had been dreaming about. He lets out a huff, gets out of bed and walks over to the bear. He squats next to it and carefully examines the bear. "It is definitely alive... it's breathing." he says to no-one in particular.
He begins to reach through the cage to see if the bear is warm. Inches away from touching it, he pulls his hand back violently. "What am I doing?! I'm not supposed to touch it." He lets out another huff, walks back to the bed and gets it. Before long, he is asleep again.

Finally, he awakes. Not in fear but in rage. "ARRRGH!!! I HAVE TO KNOW." He gets up, charges over to the cage and touches the pink bear. It topples over easily and lays there for a moment. The man is relieved... nothing appears to have happened. It's just some animatronic bear that moves its eyes and appears to breath. Frikkin' old jokester owner. He stands up and turns to return to bed when he hears a low growl fill the room. "What th-" his words catch in his mouth as he looks again at the bear. It has tripled in size and is growing larger with every moment. It's once cute face has turned into a angry mass of fangs and drool. It's digitless paws have long claws growing from them. "I'LL GET YOU!" it roars with a terrifying deepness and with the ease of superman, rips the cage apart.

The man is momentarily in shock, but manages to dodge a swipe from the claws and scramble for the door. He runs, piss running down his leg back to the office. "Ba-ga-I... I.. the... bear... touched... help... HELP!" he stutters at the old man stumbles in half asleep. "What are you jibber-jabbering about? Please don't tell me yo-" he replies, but is cut short. At that moment, the wall of the office explodes, showering the young man with plaster and splinters, but otherwise leaving him unharmed. The old man however is not so lucky and a section of the ceiling collapses crushing him to death.

The man's bowel cease to hold in the faecal matter it holds. He sh!ts himself.

However, the bodily fluids filling his pants are the least of his worries. Luckily, he went to sleep in his clothes and his car keys are still in his pocket. He bashes through the office door, knocking it to the ground and runs for his car, the thud-thud-thud of the 15 foot bear could be heard behind him. "Sh!t. Sh!t. Sh!t." he repeats over and over. He gets the door open, jumps in and uselessly locks the door just in time for the bear to reach the car.
It peels the roof off like a can of sardines and slowly reaches down, it's prey corners and shaking.

One of it's claws tap the man softly on the head. "You're it!" it says as it turns and runs away.
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8/8/2012 11:54:40 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
LOL that joke really pulled me in, which I guess is the appeal of these things. More! I mean, MOAR! I forgot I was on the internet for a second.
"You assume I wouldn't want to burn this whole place to the ground."
- lamerde
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8/8/2012 11:58:19 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 8/8/2012 11:54:40 PM, Maikuru wrote:
LOL that joke really pulled me in, which I guess is the appeal of these things. More! I mean, MOAR! I forgot I was on the internet for a second.

I have another one in mind.. ;)
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8/9/2012 7:18:19 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
Lol. I remember that one from awhile ago.
Because you said it was a waste, numb nuts. - Drafter

So fvck you. :) - TV

Use prima facie correctly or not at all. - Noumena