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Joke Battle

lannan13
Posts: 23,017
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8/17/2012 7:48:03 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
Just like last year I'm hosting a joke tourney. every joke I like is a point or more. Rascist, hollicost, and sexist jokes are -1.
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If the sky's the limit then why do we have footprints on the Moon? I'm shooting my aspirations for the stars.

"If you are going through hell, keep going." "Sir Winston Churchill

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." "Eleanor Roosevelt

Topics I want to debate. (http://tinyurl.com...)
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MilitaryAtheist
Posts: 1,058
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8/17/2012 11:09:17 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
Mike gets a call at work he had been waiting for. The baby is coming and the wifes already at the hospital! He hightails it from work gets there as fast as he can, and paces in the waiting room. A few minutes pass and a doctor comes out and asks "Are you mr Smith?"

"Yes yes whats the news?"

"you need to see this, its unbelievable but, YOUR CHILD CAN FLY

Mike follows him into the nursery with a "Is this guy retarded" face.

The doctor walks right up to the newborn in the crib and picks him up slightly and then lets go. The baby lands softly on his back.

"Hmm weird he just did it a second ago" So the doctor picks the baby up out of the crib and lets go. The baby hits the ground with a sickening thud.

By now Mike is furious.

"NO IM SERIOUS HE JUST DID IT A SECOND AGO SEE LOOK"

And what that, the doctor opens up the window on the fifth floor nursery and slings the baby out the window. The baby boomerangs right into a parked car, shattering the windshield, glass and guts go spraying everywhere.

Just as Mike reaches his arm back to punch the everliving F.UCK out of the doctor he says

"Nah man im just messin with ya. It was a stillborn"



-------
Have you guys heard the one about the child with aids?

It never gets old.


-----

Why do asians have such squinty eyes?

Atomic bombs are pretty bright.


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What is the most positive thing in the ghetto?

HIV.

--------------

My girlfriend told me I was a pedophile.

I said, that's a pretty big word for a seven-year-old.


---------------

apparently, 1 in 10 people live next door to a paedophile. not me though, I live next door to a really sexy 10-yr old girl.

--------------

A white boy, jimmy, and a black boy, jamal, are in the same kindergarten class. One day the teacher asks them to recite the alphabet. Jimmy goes first and gets through it perfectly. Jamal goes next, gets to h, stumbles and can't finish. That night, Jamal asks his mom why jimmy could recite the abc's and he couldn't. His mom responds with "that's because jimmy is white and you are black." The next day, the teacher asks them to count to 10. Jimmy again goes first and gets through it perfectly. Jamal goes second, gets to 4, stumbles and can't finish. That night, Jamal asks his mom why jimmy could count to 10 and he couldn't. His moms response was the same, " because he is white and you are black." The next day, while in the bathroom, Jamal catches a glimpse of Jimmy's penis. That night he asks his mother, "today I was in the bathroom and saw Jimmy's penis and mine was much bigger than his. Is that because I'm black and he's white?" Jamal's mother responds with, "no Jamal, that's because you are 18 and he is 5."

-----------------

How do Chinese women know if they're pregnant?

They insert a rubik's cube into their vagina and wait a few minutes
lannan13
Posts: 23,017
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8/17/2012 5:05:50 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
+2 for military atheist.
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If the sky's the limit then why do we have footprints on the Moon? I'm shooting my aspirations for the stars.

"If you are going through hell, keep going." "Sir Winston Churchill

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." "Eleanor Roosevelt

Topics I want to debate. (http://tinyurl.com...)
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presumablyintemerate
Posts: 2
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10/6/2012 7:24:41 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Okay I have a funny duck joke but, it's pretty long so bare with me.

So these three girls die and go to heaven. When they reach the gate, they are greeted by St. Peter. "So uhh how is heaven?" the girls ask. Peter then replies "Well...you see it's good, as long as you don't step on a duck". The girls then converse agreeing that that should be easy considering they have all gone their entire lives without stepping on a duck. However, once they are let in to the gates, there are ducks everywhere and imediatly the first lady steps on a duck. So, St. Peter appears with this huge fat, ugly and smelly man and handcuffs him to the lady who stepped on the duck. While doing so he explains as consiquence for stepping on a duck they must be handcuffed together for all of eturnity. A few months later the second girl steps on a duck and the same thing happens, St. Peter handcuffs her to a disgusting man. The third girl goes months and months without stepping on a duck when one day St. Peter shows up with an extremly attractive man and handcuffs the hunk to her. She is overjoyed but confused and goes "Oh my...what did I do to deserve this? (: Then the hunk goes "I stepped on a duck..."
lannan13
Posts: 23,017
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10/25/2012 3:51:10 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Here's the score so far
MA- 2
PI- 1
Tyler-1
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If the sky's the limit then why do we have footprints on the Moon? I'm shooting my aspirations for the stars.

"If you are going through hell, keep going." "Sir Winston Churchill

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." "Eleanor Roosevelt

Topics I want to debate. (http://tinyurl.com...)
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lannan13
Posts: 23,017
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10/29/2012 3:41:55 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
bump
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If the sky's the limit then why do we have footprints on the Moon? I'm shooting my aspirations for the stars.

"If you are going through hell, keep going." "Sir Winston Churchill

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." "Eleanor Roosevelt

Topics I want to debate. (http://tinyurl.com...)
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runnersva1
Posts: 10
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10/31/2012 2:41:26 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Six truths of life:

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time.

2. After reading it, you have just tried it.

3. You have discovered #1 is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

5. You soon will really this so someone else will also be an idiot.

6. There is still an idiotic smile on your face.
lannan13
Posts: 23,017
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10/31/2012 5:03:43 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
MA- 2
PI- 1
Runner- 1/2
Tyler-1
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If the sky's the limit then why do we have footprints on the Moon? I'm shooting my aspirations for the stars.

"If you are going through hell, keep going." "Sir Winston Churchill

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." "Eleanor Roosevelt

Topics I want to debate. (http://tinyurl.com...)
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TheBloodyScot
Posts: 59
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10/31/2012 5:46:30 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Three blondes are walking through the woods when they stumble upon a set of tracks.

Blonde #1: I wonder what kind of tracks these are?

Blonde #3: These are definitely moose tracks.

Blonde #2: Are you sure? Something tells me these are bear tracks.

Blonde #1: I think they are horse tracks.

They were still arguing 10 minutes later when they were hit by the train.
Something is not worth doing if it is not worth doing right.

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"
-Epicurus

"I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing."
-Socrates
TheBloodyScot
Posts: 59
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10/31/2012 5:49:05 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Anne: Want to hear a joke?

Debby: Sure.

Anne: Thee is a black Jewish girl that was captured by the Germ.....

Debby: Anne! Frankly I don't like those kinds of jokes.
Something is not worth doing if it is not worth doing right.

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"
-Epicurus

"I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing."
-Socrates
lannan13
Posts: 23,017
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10/31/2012 6:05:55 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
MA- 2
the bloody scott- 2
PI- 1
Runner- 1/2
Tyler-1
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If the sky's the limit then why do we have footprints on the Moon? I'm shooting my aspirations for the stars.

"If you are going through hell, keep going." "Sir Winston Churchill

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." "Eleanor Roosevelt

Topics I want to debate. (http://tinyurl.com...)
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lannan13
Posts: 23,017
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11/1/2012 9:39:38 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
MA- 2
the bloody scott- 2
PI- 1
Runner- 1
Tyler-1
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Lannan13'S SIGNATURE-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

If the sky's the limit then why do we have footprints on the Moon? I'm shooting my aspirations for the stars.

"If you are going through hell, keep going." "Sir Winston Churchill

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." "Eleanor Roosevelt

Topics I want to debate. (http://tinyurl.com...)
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TheBloodyScot
Posts: 59
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11/1/2012 12:47:43 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
There's a blonde a brunette, and a redhead and they are prisoners of war (not WWII), and her captures decide their gunners need target practice, so they will take turns in front of a firing squad.

The redhead goes first and is trying to think of a way to get out. All of a sudden, she points behind the gunners and yells "TORNADO!!!" The gunners turn around and the redhead runs and jumps the fence.

It is the brunette's turn, so she points behind the gunner's and yells "EARTHQUAKE!!!" They all turn around and look and the brunette runs an jumps the fence.

Now it is the blonde's turn. She is thinking 'A natural disaster, a natural disaster...oh, i got it' so she gets up to be shot when she points behind the gunners and yells "FIRE!!!"
Something is not worth doing if it is not worth doing right.

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"
-Epicurus

"I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing."
-Socrates
Heineken
Posts: 1,230
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11/1/2012 12:55:55 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Adam was walking in the garden with God.
It was obvious that Adam appeared a little sad and depressed.

"What's the matter?" Asked God.
"I feel lonely." replied Adam.

God scratched his beard in thought for a while and said:
"Why don't I make you a Woman?"

"Yes! That would cheer me up!" exclaimed Adam.

"What do you look for in a good wife?" asked God.

"Well", said Adam," she should be smart, beautiful, erotic, subservient, a good cook, a good mother and an effective housewife."

"Yikes!", said God. "That's gonna cost you."
"How much?" asked Adam.

"Well" said God," Alot. An arm and a leg."

"Hell no", screeched Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"
Vidi, vici, veni.
(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
lannan13
Posts: 23,017
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11/1/2012 5:48:53 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
the bloody scott- 3
MA- 2
PI- 1
Runner- 1
Tyler-1
Heiksen- 1
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If the sky's the limit then why do we have footprints on the Moon? I'm shooting my aspirations for the stars.

"If you are going through hell, keep going." "Sir Winston Churchill

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." "Eleanor Roosevelt

Topics I want to debate. (http://tinyurl.com...)
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emospongebob527
Posts: 790
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11/1/2012 6:03:08 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Q: What did one casket say to the sick casket?

A: Is that you coughin'?

A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.

Suddenly, Lorraine died.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

Q: Why did the blonde have trouble in the ladies' room?

A: She is not used to pulling her own pants down.

What's the real punishment for bigamy?
More than one mother-in-law!

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Why did God give women belly buttons?
For somewhere to stash your gum on the way down.

Q: How do you get a German out of the bath?
A: Turn on the water.

Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen?
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

Q: What do you call a gay Jamaican guy?

A: Pokemon.
"not to toot my own horn (it aint need no tooin if u know what im saying), but my writings on "viciousness: the one true viture (fancy spelling for virtue)" and my poem "A poem I wrote about DDO" put me in a class of my damn own. im just an UNRECONGIZED geniuse" -bananafana
RationalMadman
Posts: 354
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11/1/2012 7:01:32 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know that the bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB, blonde woman with a black belt in Karate, the woman sitting next to me is a blonde professional weightlifter and the lady to your right is a blonde professional wrestler. So d'you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

We didn't fight our way to the top of the food chain to be f***ng vegetarians.
TheBloodyScot
Posts: 59
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11/1/2012 9:07:30 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
What do you call an old guy who likes for kids to sit on his lap and even entices them with things like candy and toys?
...
A pedophile?
...
Your Neighbor?
...
Herbert?
...
No, those are all wrong. The real answer is Santa Claus !!!
...
-O
Something is not worth doing if it is not worth doing right.

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"
-Epicurus

"I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing."
-Socrates
Smithereens
Posts: 5,512
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11/2/2012 4:31:59 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
Whats black and sits at the top of the sitars?
Steven Hawkins after a house-fire.

whats the smallest book in the library
womens accomplishments
Music composition contest: http://www.debate.org...
AlwaysMoreThanYou
Posts: 2,900
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11/2/2012 4:35:46 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 11/2/2012 4:31:59 AM, Smithereens wrote:
Whats black and sits at the top of the sitars?

A really bad musician.
'When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth; for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.' - John 16:13
Smithereens
Posts: 5,512
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11/2/2012 4:41:48 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 11/2/2012 4:31:59 AM, Smithereens wrote:
Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Steven Hawkins after a house-fire.

whats the smallest book in the library
womens accomplishments

fixed
Music composition contest: http://www.debate.org...
TheBloodyScot
Posts: 59
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11/2/2012 5:18:06 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
What's red and green and goes a hundred miles per hour?
A frog in a blender.
What's black and white and read all over?
The newspaper.
How does a blonde kill a bird?
Throw it off a cliff.
How does a blonde kill a fish?
She drowns it.
Where does a 1-legged waitress work?
IHOP
Something is not worth doing if it is not worth doing right.

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"
-Epicurus

"I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing."
-Socrates
lannan13
Posts: 23,017
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11/6/2012 7:42:07 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
the bloody scott- 5
MA- 2
PI- 1
Smith- 1
Runner- 1
Tyler-1
Heiksen- 1
Emo- 1
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If the sky's the limit then why do we have footprints on the Moon? I'm shooting my aspirations for the stars.

"If you are going through hell, keep going." "Sir Winston Churchill

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." "Eleanor Roosevelt

Topics I want to debate. (http://tinyurl.com...)
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Smithereens
Posts: 5,512
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11/7/2012 12:37:46 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
A nun walks into Mother Superior"s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?
Far from it, snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord"s name in vain today!
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!
"Well, we were on the fifth tee" and this hole is a monster, Mother " 540 yards, par 5 -with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green" and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it was flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted" and it hit a bird in mid-flight.
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn"t make you blaspheme, Sister!"
To fathom what had happened, a squirrel ran out of the woods, grabbed my ball and ran off down the fairway!
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother
"But I didn"t, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, a hawk swooped out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel and flew off, with my ball still clutched
in his paws!"
"So that"s when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"No, that wasn"t it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,fixed on the Sister with a baleful stare and said
"You missed the f***ing putt, didn"t you?"
Music composition contest: http://www.debate.org...
lannan13
Posts: 23,017
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11/7/2012 7:15:02 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
the bloody scott- 5
Smith-3
MA- 2
PI- 1
Runner- 1
Tyler-1
Heiksen- 1
Emo- 1
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Lannan13'S SIGNATURE-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

If the sky's the limit then why do we have footprints on the Moon? I'm shooting my aspirations for the stars.

"If you are going through hell, keep going." "Sir Winston Churchill

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." "Eleanor Roosevelt

Topics I want to debate. (http://tinyurl.com...)
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jmr354
Posts: 24
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11/13/2012 9:51:30 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
A man with a gun walks into a bar and snarls "Who had sex with my wife?". A voice coming from the back of the bar says "You don't have enough bullets pal".
Why are you reading this? It's not like it's important or anything.
lannan13
Posts: 23,017
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11/14/2012 9:14:38 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
the bloody scott- 5
Smith-3
MA- 2
PI- 1
Runner- 1
Tyler-1
Heiksen- 1
Emo- 1
JMR354- 1

These are good jokes guys keep 'em rollin'. Oberherr won it last year over Imabench who will win this year?
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If the sky's the limit then why do we have footprints on the Moon? I'm shooting my aspirations for the stars.

"If you are going through hell, keep going." "Sir Winston Churchill

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." "Eleanor Roosevelt

Topics I want to debate. (http://tinyurl.com...)
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