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From my standup routine

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12/5/2013 10:15:59 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
"We've been married 21 years, and I told my wife that I love her so much, but I would not hesitate to put a bullet in her brain if she got bit during a Zombie Apocalypse. In return, she told me that she loves me so much that she doesn't even need a Zombie Apocalypse. Just an opportunity. And a clear shot.

"We went to a cremation service to set up an account for when we die, and she asked the salesman, 'In order to be cremated, does my husband have to be completely dead, or can he just be reeeeeally sleepy?'

"She told me the last time we made love it was the quickest ever. Ouch! It hurt for a couple reasons: First, it wasn't the quickest ever - I've been waaaay faster than that. Second, how would she know, she was asleep for half of it - the second half. Apparently I make love like a dentist. I can even use the same slogan: Lie back. Relax. You won't feel a thing.

"So our love life is magical, like a Hollywood movie: I'm Fast and she's Furious."

These are some jokes from my standup routine (at 51, I put the "mature" in "amateur") needless to say I'm not quitting my day job.