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Masonic Jokes

Blade-of-Truth
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5/14/2014 11:17:17 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to God. The postman seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it. It was from a man who was down on his luck and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family through the next week. The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twenty five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did. Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to God. Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send it through the Knights of Columbus next time as the Masons kept half.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing. "What's going on?" he asks a spectator watching from the side-lines. The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of Columbus." "What's the score?" asks the first man. "I don't know, it's a secret."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired. The candidate replied "a beer". At this juncture the WM., being startled, whispered "light" to the candidate. "OK," the candidate replied, "a lite beer."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous light bulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain that this wasn't the way they USED to screw in light bulbs.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?
A. After much research this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:

2 to complain that the light doesn't work.
1 to pass the problem to either another committee, the Temple Board or the Master of the Lodge.
3 to do a study on light in the Lodge.
2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use.
3 to argue about it.
5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb.
2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before."
1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it.
1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.

~~~~~~~~~

A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The conversation goes something like this:
She) Well how'd it go?
He) Very well - most interesting
She) What did go on?
He) I'm not really sure if I can tell you about it.
She) Well is there anything you *can* tell me?
He) Well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy men.
She) What do they do - if you can tell me?
He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around ....
She) And the Holy men? What of them?
He) They seem to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God Oh My God !"

~~~~~~~~~~

Some few years back, just after the introduction of Random Breath Testing, the Police officers of a small country township had to show the community that the RBT was working. They decided to stake out the local Masonic Hall, then as the night wore on, eventually a mason slowly came down the stairs and got into his car.
The moment he started the engine the two officers approached him and asked him to "blow into the bag". He did of course but to the amazement of the officers proved negative. Fearing a faulty bag tried again, with the same results. Sure of a possible conviction they then escorted him to the Police station to do a blood test, with it also proving negative.
Being upset with this they then asked him what had gone on and what he had done that evening, to which he answered, "The Grand Master was there, the Grand Secretary was there, the Grand Stewards were there and we all had a great time, as to my job - I was the Grand Decoy."

~~~~~~~~~

A mason who had just been installed as Master of his lodge and was duly attending all the functions he could was having a hard time with his wife who said... "All those masters-in-office have to do is click their fingers and you would be there wouldn't you?... I wish I was a master!"
After due thought, he said, "So do I dear... we swap them for a new one every year!!"

~~~~~~~~

A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words. "Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons!" "Is that all?" asked the hangman, " "Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Then you will advance one step with your left foot."

~~~~~~~~

Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour they realized that they were well and truly lost.
A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the Craft.
The chaps in the balloon inquired of him as to their location and received the reply, "About 200 feet up in a balloon." Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again.
One turned to the other and said, "I bet he's the Secretary of his Lodge!"
"Why do you say that?", the other asked.
"Well what he has told us is absolutely true - but in our present predicament is totally useless!"

~~~~~~~~~

-- Found on a cup in a Lodge in Ireland:
"OLD MASONS NEVER DIE, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO JOIN TO FIND OUT WHY"

~~~~~~~~~

(nac)
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ESocialBookworm
Posts: 14,373
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6/4/2014 2:51:32 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words. "Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons!" "Is that all?" asked the hangman, " "Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Then you will advance one step with your left foot."


No offense but this is the only one I laughed at.
Solonkr~
I don't care about whether an ideology is "necessary" or not,
I care about how to solve problems,
which is what everyone else should also care about.

Ken~
In essence, the world is fucked up and you can either ignore it, become cynical or bitter about it.

Me~
"BAILEY + SOLON = SAILEY
MY SHIP SAILEY MUST SAIL"

SCREW THAT SHIZ #BANNIE = BAILEY & ANNIE

P.S. Shipped Sailey before it was cannon bitches.
Blade-of-Truth
Posts: 5,036
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6/4/2014 2:58:04 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/4/2014 2:51:32 PM, ESocialBookworm wrote:
A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words. "Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons!" "Is that all?" asked the hangman, " "Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Then you will advance one step with your left foot."


No offense but this is the only one I laughed at.

This was my failed attempt to see if I had any true Masonic brothers on this site. It seems I don't. Thank you for at-least appreciating one of them even though you weren't the targeted audience :)
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ESocialBookworm
Posts: 14,373
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6/10/2014 7:46:05 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/4/2014 2:58:04 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
At 6/4/2014 2:51:32 PM, ESocialBookworm wrote:
A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words. "Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons!" "Is that all?" asked the hangman, " "Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Then you will advance one step with your left foot."


No offense but this is the only one I laughed at.

This was my failed attempt to see if I had any true Masonic brothers on this site. It seems I don't. Thank you for at-least appreciating one of them even though you weren't the targeted audience :)

I don't think a lot of people read the Funny forums...
Solonkr~
I don't care about whether an ideology is "necessary" or not,
I care about how to solve problems,
which is what everyone else should also care about.

Ken~
In essence, the world is fucked up and you can either ignore it, become cynical or bitter about it.

Me~
"BAILEY + SOLON = SAILEY
MY SHIP SAILEY MUST SAIL"

SCREW THAT SHIZ #BANNIE = BAILEY & ANNIE

P.S. Shipped Sailey before it was cannon bitches.