Total Posts:51|Showing Posts:1-30|Last Page
Jump to topic:

Punny Jokes

mishapqueen
Posts: 3,995
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/7/2014 6:13:03 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Mahatma Gandhi was a man who wanted to increase his holiness, so he denied himself the luxury of shoes and fasted a lot. He got many callouses on his feet and as a result of his many fasts, he developed very bad breath and delicate health.
He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
You cannot choose whether or not you will live by rules, but you can choose which rules you will live by. --Me

"I was wrong. Squirrels are objectively superior to bunnies in every conceivable dimension."
--Joey

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver" --PetersSmith

Nunc aut Numquam
Crescendo
Posts: 470
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/9/2014 1:56:39 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/7/2014 6:13:03 PM, mishapqueen wrote:
Mahatma Gandhi was a man who wanted to increase his holiness, so he denied himself the luxury of shoes and fasted a lot. He got many callouses on his feet and as a result of his many fasts, he developed very bad breath and delicate health.
He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I get it, lol.
My View of the World:
http://www.debate.org...

My Greatest Debate (As of so far):
http://www.debate.org...
mishapqueen
Posts: 3,995
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/9/2014 5:17:27 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Mr. Wong and Mrs. Wong had a baby. He had blond hair and blue eyes. The doctor asked Mr. Wong how it was possible for an Asian couple to have a Caucasian baby. Mr. Wong replied: "Two Wongs don't make a white."
You cannot choose whether or not you will live by rules, but you can choose which rules you will live by. --Me

"I was wrong. Squirrels are objectively superior to bunnies in every conceivable dimension."
--Joey

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver" --PetersSmith

Nunc aut Numquam
scots
Posts: 167
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/9/2014 5:52:12 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/9/2014 5:17:27 PM, mishapqueen wrote:
Mr. Wong and Mrs. Wong had a baby. He had blond hair and blue eyes. The doctor asked Mr. Wong how it was possible for an Asian couple to have a Caucasian baby. Mr. Wong replied: "Two Wongs don't make a white."

Aye the don't :)
"Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears."
- John Lennon
scots
Posts: 167
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/9/2014 5:55:58 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
There's no time for Stalin

When you're Russian to industrialize
"Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears."
- John Lennon
scots
Posts: 167
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/9/2014 6:34:45 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/9/2014 5:52:12 PM, scots wrote:
At 6/9/2014 5:17:27 PM, mishapqueen wrote:
Mr. Wong and Mrs. Wong had a baby. He had blond hair and blue eyes. The doctor asked Mr. Wong how it was possible for an Asian couple to have a Caucasian baby. Mr. Wong replied: "Two Wongs don't make a white."

*Aye they don't :)
"Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears."
- John Lennon
mishapqueen
Posts: 3,995
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/9/2014 9:57:55 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/9/2014 6:34:45 PM, scots wrote:
At 6/9/2014 5:52:12 PM, scots wrote:
At 6/9/2014 5:17:27 PM, mishapqueen wrote:
Mr. Wong and Mrs. Wong had a baby. He had blond hair and blue eyes. The doctor asked Mr. Wong how it was possible for an Asian couple to have a Caucasian baby. Mr. Wong replied: "Two Wongs don't make a white."

*Aye they don't :)
Here's another:
A congregation was painting their church. Eventually, they started to run out, so they had to thin it. Suddenly there was a cloudburst that washed all their hard work away. Out of the storm they heard a voice like thunder saying: "Repaint and thin no more!"
Conscience-stricken, they started the painting all over again.
You cannot choose whether or not you will live by rules, but you can choose which rules you will live by. --Me

"I was wrong. Squirrels are objectively superior to bunnies in every conceivable dimension."
--Joey

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver" --PetersSmith

Nunc aut Numquam
scots
Posts: 167
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/10/2014 1:45:21 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
"Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears."
- John Lennon
Zeroskye
Posts: 26
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/10/2014 1:47:24 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
So Helen Keller walked into a bar... then a table, then a chair.

A blonde is at a magical staircase that's 100 steps high. At the top of the stairs are untold riches, but in order to get to the top, you have to hear a joke from each individual stair and not laugh. If you laugh at any joke, you can't go any higher. The jokes start off lame, but get progressively funnier.
The first joke comes and the blond is stoic.
Second.
Third.
Not even a smile.
She gets to the 99th step and before the step even tells the joke she bursts out laughing.
"Why are you laughing, I haven't even told the joke!"
"The blond wiped away tears of laughter and replied, "I just got the first one."
Zeroskye
Posts: 26
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/10/2014 1:49:10 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/10/2014 1:47:24 PM, Zeroskye wrote:
So Helen Keller walked into a bar... then a table, then a chair.

A blonde is at a magical staircase that's 100 steps high. At the top of the stairs are untold riches, but in order to get to the top, you have to hear a joke from each individual stair and not laugh. If you laugh at any joke, you can't go any higher. The jokes start off lame, but get progressively funnier.
The first joke comes and the blond is stoic.
Second.
Third.
Not even a smile.
She gets to the 99th step and before the step even tells the joke, she bursts out laughing.
"Why are you laughing, I haven't even told the joke!"
The blonde wiped away tears of laughter and replied, "I just got the first one."

Punctuation mistakes.
Zeroskye
Posts: 26
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/10/2014 1:51:34 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Woops super fail, did not realize this was only for puns, I'll post puns now:

I forgot how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

Why does't America tell knock-knock jokes?
BECAUSE FREEDOM RINGS

The creator of the knock knock joke should get a Nobel prize.

Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes. They had no fire, so they threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.

Two hats are on a coat rack, one of them tells the other, "you stay here, I'll go on ahead."
mishapqueen
Posts: 3,995
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/10/2014 7:23:09 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/10/2014 1:36:45 PM, EnigmaticWallflower wrote:
These are funny mishapqueen.
Thanks. I found them in "Get Thee to a Punnery" by Richard Lederer. You could die laughing reading his books. Anguished English and Crazy English are also quite entertaining.
You cannot choose whether or not you will live by rules, but you can choose which rules you will live by. --Me

"I was wrong. Squirrels are objectively superior to bunnies in every conceivable dimension."
--Joey

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver" --PetersSmith

Nunc aut Numquam
mishapqueen
Posts: 3,995
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/10/2014 7:26:01 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/10/2014 1:51:34 PM, Zeroskye wrote:
Woops super fail, did not realize this was only for puns, I'll post puns now:

I forgot how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

Why does't America tell knock-knock jokes?
BECAUSE FREEDOM RINGS

The creator of the knock knock joke should get a Nobel prize.

Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes. They had no fire, so they threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.

Two hats are on a coat rack, one of them tells the other, "you stay here, I'll go on ahead."
Jokes are fine too. Your puns are hilarious.
You cannot choose whether or not you will live by rules, but you can choose which rules you will live by. --Me

"I was wrong. Squirrels are objectively superior to bunnies in every conceivable dimension."
--Joey

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver" --PetersSmith

Nunc aut Numquam
mishapqueen
Posts: 3,995
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/10/2014 7:26:43 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/10/2014 1:45:21 PM, scots wrote:
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

Haha! Good one!
You cannot choose whether or not you will live by rules, but you can choose which rules you will live by. --Me

"I was wrong. Squirrels are objectively superior to bunnies in every conceivable dimension."
--Joey

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver" --PetersSmith

Nunc aut Numquam
Zeroskye
Posts: 26
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/11/2014 12:36:44 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/10/2014 7:26:01 PM, mishapqueen wrote:
At 6/10/2014 1:51:34 PM, Zeroskye wrote:
Woops super fail, did not realize this was only for puns, I'll post puns now:

I forgot how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

Why does't America tell knock-knock jokes?
BECAUSE FREEDOM RINGS

The creator of the knock knock joke should get a Nobel prize.

Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes. They had no fire, so they threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.

Two hats are on a coat rack, one of them tells the other, "you stay here, I'll go on ahead."
Jokes are fine too. Your puns are hilarious.

Thanks! Yours as well
scots
Posts: 167
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/11/2014 2:54:30 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Never trust atoms, they make up everything.
"Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears."
- John Lennon
mishapqueen
Posts: 3,995
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/11/2014 4:06:55 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/11/2014 2:54:30 PM, scots wrote:
Never trust atoms, they make up everything.
That's a good one!
You cannot choose whether or not you will live by rules, but you can choose which rules you will live by. --Me

"I was wrong. Squirrels are objectively superior to bunnies in every conceivable dimension."
--Joey

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver" --PetersSmith

Nunc aut Numquam
mishapqueen
Posts: 3,995
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/11/2014 5:01:55 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Hanging is too good for a punster; he ought to be drawn and quoted.
You cannot choose whether or not you will live by rules, but you can choose which rules you will live by. --Me

"I was wrong. Squirrels are objectively superior to bunnies in every conceivable dimension."
--Joey

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver" --PetersSmith

Nunc aut Numquam
scots
Posts: 167
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/11/2014 5:52:38 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/11/2014 5:01:55 PM, mishapqueen wrote:
Hanging is too good for a punster; he ought to be drawn and quoted.

this is a good one as well :)

Shoe repair

I will heel you

I will save your sole

I will even Dye for you.
"Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears."
- John Lennon
mishapqueen
Posts: 3,995
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/11/2014 6:54:54 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/11/2014 5:52:38 PM, scots wrote:
At 6/11/2014 5:01:55 PM, mishapqueen wrote:
Hanging is too good for a punster; he ought to be drawn and quoted.

this is a good one as well :)

Shoe repair

I will heel you

I will save your sole

I will even Dye for you.

Like it!

My brother (who's 15) and I just got out of Greek class. Our teacher and my brother love to tease each other a lot. Sometimes, it is very entertaining. This happened:
Teacher: "This grammatical construction is very awkward; it doesn't make sense. It just doesn't make sense!
Brother: It certainly doesn't make dollars!
You cannot choose whether or not you will live by rules, but you can choose which rules you will live by. --Me

"I was wrong. Squirrels are objectively superior to bunnies in every conceivable dimension."
--Joey

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver" --PetersSmith

Nunc aut Numquam
scots
Posts: 167
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/11/2014 7:50:17 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/11/2014 6:54:54 PM, mishapqueen wrote:
At 6/11/2014 5:52:38 PM, scots wrote:
At 6/11/2014 5:01:55 PM, mishapqueen wrote:
Hanging is too good for a punster; he ought to be drawn and quoted.

this is a good one as well :)

Shoe repair

I will heel you

I will save your sole

I will even Dye for you.

Like it!

My brother (who's 15) and I just got out of Greek class. Our teacher and my brother love to tease each other a lot. Sometimes, it is very entertaining. This happened:
Teacher: "This grammatical construction is very awkward; it doesn't make sense. It just doesn't make sense!
Brother: It certainly doesn't make dollars!

lol
"Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears."
- John Lennon
scots
Posts: 167
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/11/2014 7:52:26 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Crowded gyms with occupied machines are the worst because we"re there to lose weight, not gain wait.
"Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears."
- John Lennon
mishapqueen
Posts: 3,995
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/11/2014 11:05:18 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
A baseball umpire had a reputation for mean a surly behavior. One Sunday morning, the umpire asked his son to jump on his lap and listen as the father read the funnies to his son. But the son refused because the son never sits on a brutish umpire.

And another for good measure......

An Englishman, strolling through the Australian countryside on a hot afternoon, came upon a Sisters of Mercy Convent. He asked to come in and requested a cup of tea. The abbess gladly agreed and explained the convent was famous for its special blend of tea, which it made by boiling the juice of the koala bear. The Englishman took one sip of the tea and spat it out, spluttering that the hair of the koala bear was still floating around on the surface of his drink. "Of course," explained the abbess, " The koala tea of mercy is not strained."
You cannot choose whether or not you will live by rules, but you can choose which rules you will live by. --Me

"I was wrong. Squirrels are objectively superior to bunnies in every conceivable dimension."
--Joey

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver" --PetersSmith

Nunc aut Numquam
scots
Posts: 167
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/12/2014 6:27:34 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/11/2014 11:05:18 PM, mishapqueen wrote:
A baseball umpire had a reputation for mean a surly behavior. One Sunday morning, the umpire asked his son to jump on his lap and listen as the father read the funnies to his son. But the son refused because the son never sits on a brutish umpire.

And another for good measure......

An Englishman, strolling through the Australian countryside on a hot afternoon, came upon a Sisters of Mercy Convent. He asked to come in and requested a cup of tea. The abbess gladly agreed and explained the convent was famous for its special blend of tea, which it made by boiling the juice of the koala bear. The Englishman took one sip of the tea and spat it out, spluttering that the hair of the koala bear was still floating around on the surface of his drink. "Of course," explained the abbess, " The koala tea of mercy is not strained."

excellent
"Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears."
- John Lennon
mishapqueen
Posts: 3,995
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/12/2014 1:07:38 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Why did Silly Billy refuse to look in the refrigerator?
Because he didn't want to see the salad dressing.
You cannot choose whether or not you will live by rules, but you can choose which rules you will live by. --Me

"I was wrong. Squirrels are objectively superior to bunnies in every conceivable dimension."
--Joey

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver" --PetersSmith

Nunc aut Numquam
scots
Posts: 167
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/12/2014 2:14:42 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
"Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears."
- John Lennon
mishapqueen
Posts: 3,995
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/12/2014 3:15:45 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/12/2014 2:14:42 PM, scots wrote:
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
I bet that went well!
You cannot choose whether or not you will live by rules, but you can choose which rules you will live by. --Me

"I was wrong. Squirrels are objectively superior to bunnies in every conceivable dimension."
--Joey

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver" --PetersSmith

Nunc aut Numquam
mishapqueen
Posts: 3,995
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/12/2014 6:35:31 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
How do you make an elephant stew?
Keep it waiting for two hours.

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

Some unintended puns from headlines:

TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
CYPRUS FIGHTING MUSHROOMS
EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLANDS
MAN CONVICTED OF WRECKLESS DRIVING
SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM

One of my favorite types of puns are called Tom Swiftys.
Here's some examples:

"My glasses are fogged up," said Tom optimistically.
"I love reading Moby Dick," said Tom superficially.
"The maid has the night off," said Tom helplessly.
You cannot choose whether or not you will live by rules, but you can choose which rules you will live by. --Me

"I was wrong. Squirrels are objectively superior to bunnies in every conceivable dimension."
--Joey

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver" --PetersSmith

Nunc aut Numquam