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Funny poems

Gentorev
Posts: 2,965
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12/17/2014 9:46:34 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
Santa's suggestion.

Santa was cranky, the elves were all drunk
The sleigh wasn"t loaded, he was still in the bunk
His wife didn"t wake him, she let him sleep in
He was cranky as hell and as dirty as sin

His reindeers were wandering all over the park
Twas an hour before sunrise although it was dark
When an angel came in, dragging a tree
And said to the old bloke, "Hi Santa it"s me.

I"m here with the tree, decorations and all
Should it go in the centre, or there "gainst the wall
Where should I stick it Santa? said she
And that"s why today, where ever you be
You"ll see that sweet angel --- stuck up on the tree.... By Gentorev
Kyle_the_Heretic
Posts: 748
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12/18/2014 1:36:26 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
In her eyes he saw eternity,
Her love unbound had set him free,
She was his sky, his land, his sea;
Her soul flowed through his heart.

Lips, soft and red as crimson rose,
Parted for a kiss, did close,
Then Venus wrinkled up her nose,
And said, "Did you just fart?"
Thinking is extremely taxing on the gullible, and it takes hours to clear the smoke.
ESocialBookworm
Posts: 14,373
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12/18/2014 1:37:50 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 12/18/2014 1:36:26 PM, Kyle_the_Heretic wrote:
In her eyes he saw eternity,
Her love unbound had set him free,
She was his sky, his land, his sea;
Her soul flowed through his heart.

Lips, soft and red as crimson rose,
Parted for a kiss, did close,
Then Venus wrinkled up her nose,
And said, "Did you just fart?"

LOL
Solonkr~
I don't care about whether an ideology is "necessary" or not,
I care about how to solve problems,
which is what everyone else should also care about.

Ken~
In essence, the world is fucked up and you can either ignore it, become cynical or bitter about it.

Me~
"BAILEY + SOLON = SAILEY
MY SHIP SAILEY MUST SAIL"

SCREW THAT SHIZ #BANNIE = BAILEY & ANNIE

P.S. Shipped Sailey before it was cannon bitches.
Gentorev
Posts: 2,965
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12/19/2014 2:58:59 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
Have you heard of Nymphomaniacs? --- Well me mate he married one
And before the honeymoon was over, me mate was nearly done
Eight times each night near killed him, but to her it was just foreplay
Me poor old mate was losin weight and fadin fast away.

So he went and found ----- a scientific person
And asked if somehow he might know a cure
Cos if he couldn"t find some way to help his missus
He"d be dead within a month and that"s for sure.

Now that scientific person had a horny old gorilla
And when he"d mate it with a female that ape would near on kill her
So he taught that old gorilla to put a chalk mark on the wall
Every time he done the business and fulfilled each sexual call.

Then he rang me poor old skinny mate --- didn"t tell him what he planned
But told him late that afternoon, to bring his wife around
Said he"d have to leave her there all night, but me old mate was assured
That his wife"s abnormal appetites, by morning ---- would be cured.

Then that scientific person, when me mate had left for home
Stuck his missus in a dark, dark room, but she weren"t there alone
Cos in the corner stood that horny ape with a great big box of chalk
And when he sensed that female in the room, the old boy went to work.

Well that scientific fellow, with his enquiring mind --- reckoned---
if he could count up all the chalk marks in the morning, then he"d find
Just how many times ------ his horny ape had climbed on top
Before that Nymphomaniac --- began to scream, "OH STOP --- PLEASE BLOODY STOP."

But alas---for in the morning, when he opened up the door
There were flaming chalk marks everywhere, from the ceiling, to the floor.
There were chalk marks on the bed posts; there were chalk marks on the wall
There were chalk marks on the cupboards; there were chalk marks over all.

But that woman lying on the bed, though looking tired and feeling sore
Hadn"t lost her flaming appetite, cos she was screaming out, "MORE, MORE"
That"s when the scientific person found out his ape could talk
When he heard him crawling round the floor and crying out, "MORE CHALK ---MORE CHALK."

Now that woman ---- she was never cured, and me mate he finally died
But when that ape now sees a woman, hey, he runs away and hides
So let me warn all you old fellows and tell you to beware
Cos "MALE KILLING NYMPHOMANIACS" are out there --- everywhere........Gentorev..
Gentorev
Posts: 2,965
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12/24/2014 1:03:38 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
Who put that thing on the statue that was made to look like me?
You could have used a carrot or a banana from off a tree
But you used a little thimble not much bigger than a pea
And you stuck it on that statue and named him after me
When I saw it I was ropeable and fit to choke someone
But now I"ve come to thank you for what you"ve gone and done
For that thimble was a rare antique from sixteen eighty three
Owned by Catherine of Braganza and carved from ivory
Charles the second gave it to her, so thanks for what you did
Cos I just sold the thing at auction for twenty thousand quid............By Gentorev.
phiLockeraptor
Posts: 233
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12/24/2014 7:14:43 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
Stupid, ugly, brutish boy
Thought his rifle was a toy

Waved it around like so much fun,
Exploded the brain of a lonely nun.
"Philosophy is a great conversation that never ends"

Writing for this website ----> www.dailyfreethinker.com
Gentorev
Posts: 2,965
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12/24/2014 7:28:33 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
I kissed her on her dimple in the darkness
And I ain"t saying where that dimple was
But it certainly made her hum
When I kissed her on herrrrrr
Dimple as we waited for the morning light to come

Then I kissed her on another of her dimples
Cos she"s got little dimples every where
And it thrilled her all to bits
When I kissed her on herrrrrr
Dimple in the garden "neath the sunrise with me lips

She"s got dimples in places no one sees
And her little heart was pumping fiercely
When I said I"d kiss the lot
But when I kissed her on one Dimple (Phew) me nose began to wrinkle
And mate,-- that"s where the kissing had to stop"..by Gentorev.
Gentorev
Posts: 2,965
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12/26/2014 9:02:12 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
Jack"s clothes were crushed and dirty, he looked like a bloody grub
Sitting out there in the gutter on the footpath near the pub
Hung over something shocking he was as crook as a flaming dog
And he knew that he was going to die if he couldn"t get some grog.

But he didn"t have a penny, not a single brass razoo
His mind was ticking overtime trying to work out what to do
When a car rips round the corner and hits this mongrel on the street
And sends it flying through the pub"s front door landing at the barman"s feet

Then all Jack"s prayers were answered when he heard the barman say
"There"s a carton of grog to any man who"ll cart this body away,"
So, with a dead dog on his shoulder, a cold carton under his arm
He went to the park and drank that grog before it could even get warm

When he"d polished off that carton and drank the last of the tins
He thought to himself if that dead dog thing might possibly work again
So he sneaked it into a second pub and laid it down---- near the toilet door
And waited for someone to spot it and hoped it would work like it did before

And sure enough, that publican offered Jack a flagon of wine
If he"d take it out and bury it ------ so it did work a second time
Now Jack was feeling pretty primed by the time he finished that flagon of wine
So he walked to a third pub way down the street, but by now he was walking on wobbly feet

Then he slurred to that publican, "HIC" there"s a dead dog on your stairs
But I"ll "HIC" take it away for a carton of beer
Then that publican -------- looking up from his folder
Said, "And what"s that thing you"ve got there on your shoulder?

Then bleary eyed Jack with a sheepish grin, said,
Ahh, The bloody mongrel "Hic" must have followed me in........Gentorev.
Gentorev
Posts: 2,965
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12/28/2014 1:14:27 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
They say one day he just appeared
No one knew from where he came
No one---had even seen him
And nobody knew his name

He never spoke a single word
Not even one gidday
In fact---no one knew that he"d been there
Until he went away

He never left no footprints
To show where he had been
And no one dared to even say
That he was actually seen.

But someone must have done it
And it was no one in our town
So it had to be that someone
Who---no more---could be found.

But I know from where that person came
That man of mystery
He"s from my house and I know his name
He"s that bloke they call, "NOMEE"

When anything goes missing
Especially all my beer
And I want to know who took it
My kids all yell, "NOMEE"

So "NOMEES" on my hit list
He"ll be as dead as he can be
And when the coppers ask-- "Who killed him?"
I"ll tell em all, NOMEE, NOMEE, not-me.........By Gentorev.
Gentorev
Posts: 2,965
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1/2/2015 6:01:26 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
I was out there on the footpath
In front of Finnegan"s Bar
When I hailed a passing copper
And said, " hic, someone stole my car"

Well, the copper he was nice enough
He sort of smiled at me
And said
"Where was it when you saw it?"
And I said " hic, on me ignition key"

You"re bloody drunk, the copper said
And you"re going to get in strife
Unless you zip your fly up mate!"
And I said
"Bloody hell!
Hic, they also stole me wife.".......Gentorev.
LayersofLols
Posts: 126
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1/2/2015 9:52:57 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
Life is short for everyone,
But it gets much shorter if you're dumb.
Just before you die will you remember a life of your smile changing the world or of the world changing your smile?
Gentorev
Posts: 2,965
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1/3/2015 3:20:26 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 1/2/2015 9:52:57 PM, LayersofLols wrote:
Life is short for everyone,
But it gets much shorter if you're dumb.

Life is short for everyone
Gets much shorter if you're dumb
But that don't worry everyone
Specially those whose brains are numb
Electric-Eccentric
Posts: 1,309
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1/4/2015 4:38:34 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
Quiet noise

Once upon a time in a park lived a mime
He moved so fast he didn't make a dime
The park visitors would stand and watch the show
Wondered what invisible things he would throw
Moving through the air with the greatest of ease
Doing all manner of things just trying to please
Then there came along a homeless person one day
He was able to tell what the mime was trying to say
All the park visitors were so amazed with his wit
When he told them the mime was just tossin' sh*t
Life is what YOU make it,
Most just try and fake it...
Gentorev
Posts: 2,965
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1/5/2015 4:57:11 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
What are you doing there young man
Why're you playing in that slop
On this bright and sunny Sunday afternoon
And what's that pile of cow-dung for
Asked the friendly local cop
I see you mixing it with mud with that there spoon.

Yea! vats cos i'm makin statues
And it stiffens up me mud
It helps to keep me statues all in shape
That's a statue of the butcher
And that one there's the priest
Now i'm finking of anothva one to make.

Well, now then said the friendly cop,
What if I should pose?
Would you model one of me>
I'll pay for it.
Well, I guess so said young Johny
But you'll have ta wait awhile
Cos I gotta get a bigger pile of S#it.......Gentorev
Electric-Eccentric
Posts: 1,309
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1/5/2015 6:07:10 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
Kid gloves and nappys

Your Truth and Reality is much to Real,
It doesn't have that playful fantasy feel.
Just watch the people and get into the show,
Anything beyond that is a bummer you know.
Leave out what ever spoils the illusion,
Everyone has their own form of delusion.
Join in on the fun of acting and playing pretend,
Go along with normal society as not to offend.
Dream of riches and idols of fame,
It's the way it is so who's to blame?
Give us overgrown children a break,
If all join in and play it will not be fake!
Life is what YOU make it,
Most just try and fake it...
Gentorev
Posts: 2,965
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1/5/2015 8:55:03 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
A mate of mine asked me to write a poem for him to recite at his son's wedding.

Shotgun wedding speech by the father of the groom.

Well, he"s finally gone and done it, at last he"s tied the knot
He should a tied it years ago, then he"d not be in this spot
And now he"s gonna learn about the simple facts of life
To stop a girl from having sex, just make that girl your wife.

I didn"t teach him bout the birds and bees, but he learned himself no doubt
Things like, "pubic hairs are curly so your eyes don"t get poked out
And women, they"re like cyclones, it don"t take that much nouse
To know, you start off with a blow job and end up with no house.

I should have told you son" (to women) " us men are simply seen as
The life support that"s carried round by the thing they love, (our penis)
Plus sex and playing Rugby are similar things for sure
Cos there"ll come a time in later life, you cant do em any more.

Now here it is, your wedding day, an anniversary to remember
And mark my words " SHE"LL not forget" this 12th day of December
But anniversaries to most men, are just like toilet bowls
Cos you"re gonna miss em both old mate and may the lord god save your soul.

But to the bride who"s now me daughter and putting all jokes to one side
Welcome to our family mate, and I say that with some pride;
May you live as long as you both may want, is the blessing that I give
And may you never want for anything as long as you both may live.
cho123
Posts: 9
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1/5/2015 9:39:42 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
Gays are evil!
Why are they gays?
They want to be evil
Like all other gays!
Why so evil?
Why are you, gays?
Gays love doing evil,
That's why they are gays!
Gentorev
Posts: 2,965
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1/5/2015 2:59:03 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 1/5/2015 9:39:42 AM, cho123 wrote:
Gays are evil!
Why are they gays?
They want to be evil
Like all other gays!
Why so evil?
Why are you, gays?
Gays love doing evil,
That's why they are gays!

He married "HE" the man of his dreams
She married "SHE," and now it would seem
That all the self righteous, who've never known love
Call down God's wrath from the heavens above.
Gentorev
Posts: 2,965
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1/5/2015 3:31:18 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 1/5/2015 2:59:03 PM, Gentorev wrote:
At 1/5/2015 9:39:42 AM, cho123 wrote:
Gays are evil!
Why are they gays?
They want to be evil
Like all other gays!
Why so evil?
Why are you, gays?
Gays love doing evil,
That's why they are gays!


He married "HE" the man of his dreams
She married "SHE," and now it would seem
That all the self righteous, who've never known love
Call down God's wrath from the heavens above.

Georgy Porgy puddin and pie
He kissed the girls and made them cry
And when the boys came out to play
He kissed them too---Cos he was gay.
imaca
Posts: 1
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1/9/2015 11:30:18 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
Time and time and time again they say that life is what you make it inexplicably repeated by the ones that live to fake it.
When Optimistic words escape a pessimistic smile it's positively negative yet strangely amusing for a while.
Offering instructions once a structures built is like feeding the flower that's now about to wilt a remorseful emotion that's too little and too late and a painful reminder that no good can come from hate.
If life is truely what we make it then why is the world at war, why are we all divided by the threat of shariah law it won't be long And I hope I'm wrong but Its pretty much loud and clear I'm bringing up my children in a world consumed by fear it's a global epidemic now and it's desperate for a cure
Gentorev
Posts: 2,965
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1/11/2015 3:47:45 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 1/9/2015 11:30:18 PM, imaca wrote:
Time and time and time again they say that life is what you make it inexplicably repeated by the ones that live to fake it.
When Optimistic words escape a pessimistic smile it's positively negative yet strangely amusing for a while.
Offering instructions once a structures built is like feeding the flower that's now about to wilt a remorseful emotion that's too little and too late and a painful reminder that no good can come from hate.
If life is truely what we make it then why is the world at war, why are we all divided by the threat of shariah law it won't be long And I hope I'm wrong but Its pretty much loud and clear I'm bringing up my children in a world consumed by fear it's a global epidemic now and it's desperate for a cure

I don't think that's funny, your words seem so sad
You think the world's evil, but it's not all that bad
Look to the bright side and forget about hate
And write something funny and laugh with us mate.

Preaching from the pulpit
Was a local parish priest
A Parson by the name of Patrick Sykes
And he preached a fiery sermon
He was absolutely sure
Someone in the congregation stole his bike
Going through the Ten Commandments
And having said, "Thou shalt not steal"
He looked around to find the guilty face
But all were pure as angels
No one even blushed
There weren"t a guilty person in the place
So he had to keep on going
Though he knew he"d lost his bike
And when he finally said
"Adultery is sin"
The sermon stopped abruptly
And as calmly as you like
He said,
" I just remembered where I left the bluudy ting"..........By Gentorev.
KingKobra
Posts: 28
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1/12/2015 9:41:04 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
Tinkle Tinkle I'm in the bar.
oh shyt I lost the keys to my car.
I'm drunken straight from this mason jar.
I can see the cops coming from afar.
just one more drink.
one last sip.
im on a real good trip.
Look Under the bed, where the beast lurks at night.
Gentorev
Posts: 2,965
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1/12/2015 10:54:34 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
I hate camping in those show-grounds
And them parks for caravans
That keeps their toilets locked up all the time
Cos if you"re busting for a wee-wee
Or something even worse
You"ll never find a tree to hide behind.
One day I rushed down to the toilet,
Me bladder fit to burst
But I"d forgot the combination
And I knew I were"nt the first
Cos I was standing in a puddle,
Left by someone just before
Now that puddles started spreading
Right across the floor.
Cos I couldn"t wait no longer
With me bladder in such pain
So I stood there like a school boy
And I pissed me pants again................By gentorev.
Electric-Eccentric
Posts: 1,309
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1/15/2015 6:03:20 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
Bingo bells
Bingo bells

Bingo all the way, hey

Oh what fun it is to fart
in a one horse open sleigh, hey

just needed to get that out of my system

I will be doing 2 shows a night at the Snoddlerville Night Club
Life is what YOU make it,
Most just try and fake it...
Gentorev
Posts: 2,965
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1/15/2015 9:42:18 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
Well, I can"t tell me wife------if I do I"m in strife
I was drunk when I came home quite late
And I needed to pee, which I did round mum"s tree
But I forgot to close the damn gate.

And me wife"s little Schizo, a pedigree bitch----who
Me wife says is coming on heat
Like a shot from a gun, bolted out on the run
Wafting pheromones all down the street

Well, I tried to catch up with that horny young pup
But females on heat are real fast
And right at the back of the gathering pack
Of mongrels----I"s running dead last

There were hairy Alsatians, and spotted Dalmatians
There were cross-bred mongrels galore
Labradors crossed with poodles, they"re call Labradoodles
Bulldogs crossed with Shizos" ---- and more

Well our bitch finally stopped at the back of a shop
Where a brick wall had barred her way
There---the dog fights began"and that"s when I ran
And entered right into the fray

The fighting ---- grew to a pitch as they fought for our bitch
Each dog would be first if he could;
But if I had a say, they"d not get their way
As I picked up a great length of wood

Bits of hair hit the wall as dogs big and small
Made way for a madman like me
I kept swinging that bat like a mad maniac
Till our terrified bitch I could see

Crouched in the corner, a Bulldog was one her
But a Great Dane was humping me hip
I would have give him a whack with me old trusty bat
But he growled as he licked at me lips

So---I let him finish the job before I wiped the damned slob
Off me pants that were jagged and torn
Then I grabbed our poor bitch, with the Bulldog still hitched
And I raced home ----and there on our lawn

Grabbing the hose and with a squirt up his nose
He released ----- and ran for his life
Then I put the bitch down, she dragged her bum cross the ground
But I aint never telling me wife

Oh, she"ll soon get to know when her pup starts to show
And she"ll wonder what dog got her bitch
And she"ll find that out soon, cos when the puppies are born
She"ll have a litter of baby Bull---Shitz...............By Gentorev.
Gentorev
Posts: 2,965
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1/17/2015 3:13:49 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
CHRISTMAS WITH MOTHER
I won"t be home for Christmas mother dear
Cos there aint no chance of getting out of here
The wall its ten foot higher
And they"ve topped it with barbed wire
So don"t expect me home at Christmas time this year

Last year it must have been the final straw
Cos there"s no where you can dig a hole no more
Plus they"ve put on extra guards
So I think I"d find it hard
To get back home for Christmas that"s for sure

And they"ve reinforced the bars around my cell
But they never reinforced them very well
Getting out of here"s a breeze
It"s that outer wall by jees
But the answer"s out there somewhere I can tell

The more I think about it mother dear
The more I think I"ll come again this year
The plan is brewing in me head
It came from some thing that I read
So you"d better stock the fridge with heaps of beer

Well a very merry Christmas mother dear
I bet you didn"t think that I"d get here
But it was easier than pie
Now it"s got me wondering why
That I haven"t done it this way every year

So lets start the celebrations with a song
Not till morning will they realize I"m gone
And they"ll know for sure I"m here
It"s where they catch me every year
Cos they know I spend each Christmas with me mum
And they"ll acknowledge that"s the best escape I"ve done.........Gentorev
Gentorev
Posts: 2,965
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1/27/2015 10:31:27 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
Fido poops out in me garden
Yet that don"t bother me
But then he done one on me lounge chair
Where I sit and watch T.V.

Well I smelt nothing till I sat down,
Then I lets out with a yell
Get out from under me lounge chair,
You mongrel dog, you smell.

Just then I hears a knocking
So I opens up the door
Me girlfriend"s there---- she"s turning white
And back peddling cross the floor

So I closed the door behind me,
Then she gasped and turned her head
You got woopy-doos all over you,
You"ve pooped yourself she said.

Then she ran off through the darkness
And left me standing there
You see I wiped me pants when I stood up,
Now there"s dog poop every where.

There"s dog poop on the door knob,
On me hands and on me face
Oh God! I"m so embarrassed,
There"s dog poop every place.

Now Fido"s out there hiding,
He"s nowhere to be found
Cos he knows I"m going to kill him hey,
That"s why he"s gone to ground.............By Gentorev.
The-Voice-of-Truth
Posts: 6,580
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1/28/2015 8:10:42 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
Roses are red,
My name is Dave,
This poem makes no sense,
Microwave.
"You're more of a fluentic fail doer who sometimes does a doo dah with a diggity ding, managing to push open doors that weren't meant to be opened, only to find that there's no floor, so you instead become spiderman and crawl on the walls." -Vaarka

I'm Rick Harrison and this is my pawn shop. I work here with my old man and my son, Big Hoss, and in 23 years I've learned one thing. You never know what is gonna come through that door
Gentorev
Posts: 2,965
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1/28/2015 2:22:07 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 1/28/2015 8:10:42 AM, The-Voice-of-Truth wrote:
Roses are red,
My name is Dave,
This poem makes no sense,
Microwave.

Dave, Dave was so depraved
He stuck his head in the Microwave
He turned on the gas, his face went red
And now in the oven poor Dave is dead.
carriead20
Posts: 1,394
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2/3/2015 8:01:33 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
This is a lullaby but oh well close nough.

Rock a bye baby
in the tree top
when the wind blows
the bass will drop
BZZZZZZ
WUB WUB WUB WUB
WIGGAWIGGAWIGGAWIGGA
PSSSSSSSHHHHHHH
WOWOWOWOWOWOWO!
To all the people fighting a hard battle out there - life's giving you a pretty hard beating. There's no sugarcoating that, but there's no shadow that's free of light. When life sneers at you and asks, "Ready to go again?" - Raise your hand. Reach out to victory. Don't give in.

---Help Bsh and YYW see each other---
http://www.gofundme.com...