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Rape. (warning)

PervRat
Posts: 963
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4/11/2009 9:13:05 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
Warning - this is about rape. Not "ooh, I have a fantasy" ... no, its about actual rape, of the sort my late wife suffered at the hands of her own father when she was a girl.

Its not an easy subject at all. Certainly I can't get too graphic, and even avoiding getting graphic, I worry about whether just bringing the subject up will cause problems for the forum.

I guess the first thing I want to know, from the other members of the forum, is whether anyone has been the wife/husband/significant other of a rape survivor, and any issues they've had trying to deal with it?

Of course anyone's okay to participate and ask questions. If you think it'd be too disturbing for the forum, feel free to PM me and ask. I have not really dealt very well with it ... my wife was actually raped by two different people -- her father, before I met her, and by a friend of mine that I trusted while she, he and another were living in the same house with me. That one was very difficult for me, as I refused to believe what my wife (not my wife at the time, but someone I was in love with) said about my friend.

My wife, rest her soul, did not hate me for not believing her. Ever since then, when she was alive and after she passed away in 2006, its been a very difficult thing for me to come to terms with -- not just that someone I called a friend would do that, but much more strongly that I refused to believe it for an entire month afterward though it should have been plain-as-day obvious that my wife did not make it up, that she had been truthful, that my "friend" had done this to her.

Man, this is a hard topic, but I would really like to get it off my chest and pick the brains and the fortitudes of this forum to help me work through it. Has anyone else on the forum gone through it? Or can someone do their best to imagine it and offer thoughts?
PoeJoe
Posts: 3,822
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4/11/2009 9:33:25 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
I'm sure you weren't malicious in your disbelief; surely you were confused. Your guilt -- the guilt you are showing right now -- means that you care deeply, and it means you are deeply sorry. We all cannot be 'correct' all the time about our reactions, and I'm sure your a good person at heart. That seems to trivialize the issue, but one has to get over such trauma. Again, I'm sure you weren't being malicious.
Television Rot: http://tvrot.com...
I-am-a-panda
Posts: 15,380
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4/12/2009 4:35:47 AM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 4/11/2009 9:57:12 PM, PervRat wrote:
Yeah. I was one of those who laughed on 9/11. I still don't know why that was my reaction.

Children laugh when they play London bridge is falling down. You are not alone.
Pizza. I have enormous respect for Pizza.
Xie-Xijivuli
Posts: 90
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4/12/2009 12:54:45 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
It's really not the topic that is disturbing, but the combination of your name and the topic that creep me out...
If I told you about myself, would you treat me differently?
I-am-a-panda
Posts: 15,380
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4/12/2009 12:56:02 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 4/12/2009 12:54:45 PM, Xie-Xijivuli wrote:
It's really not the topic that is disturbing, but the combination of your name and the topic that creep me out...

OI! Pervrat is a rockstar!
Pizza. I have enormous respect for Pizza.
PervRat
Posts: 963
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4/12/2009 1:05:33 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 4/12/2009 12:54:45 PM, Xie-Xijivuli wrote:
It's really not the topic that is disturbing, but the combination of your name and the topic that creep me out...

Its probably for the best that you feel creeped out about me ...
Nik
Posts: 552
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4/13/2009 1:04:45 AM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 4/12/2009 4:35:47 AM, I-am-a-panda wrote:

Children laugh when they play London bridge is falling down. You are not alone.

Only Irish kids! :P
"If you could tell the world but one truth, I could convince it of a thousand lies"
I-am-a-panda
Posts: 15,380
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4/13/2009 4:23:54 AM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 4/13/2009 1:04:45 AM, Nik wrote:
At 4/12/2009 4:35:47 AM, I-am-a-panda wrote:

Children laugh when they play London bridge is falling down. You are not alone.

Only Irish kids! :P

True, we await a similar rhyme for the Omagh, Manchester and London bombings.
Pizza. I have enormous respect for Pizza.
JBlake
Posts: 4,634
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4/14/2009 8:56:57 AM
Posted: 7 years ago
Pervrat,

Wow.
It would seem as though you have quite a few difficulties in your life. As to your guilt, I will have to echo PoeJoe+1's sentiments. The important thing is that you eventually learned the fact of the matter before it was too late.

The only experience I have with the issue is that my current girlfriend escaped two attempts. One by an ex-boyfriend where she physically escaped. Another time someone slipped something into her drink, but she was with close friends and ended up in the hospital instead of someone's bedroom.

I can't relate with the issue in the same way that you can, but I can still address the subject if there are specific topics you wish to discuss.
crackofdawn_Jr
Posts: 1,350
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4/14/2009 4:06:20 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
Did your friend ever admit to the rape? Or was it his word versus hers?
There are three types of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics"
-Mark Twain

"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success"

"Therefore love moderately. Long love doth so.
Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow."
- William Shakespeare

"There must be no majority decisions, but only responsible persons, and the word 'council' must be restored to its original meaning. Surely every man will have advisers by his side, but the decision will be made by one man."
- Adolf Hitler
PervRat
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4/14/2009 11:33:46 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
No, he did not confess. There were many complicated reasons he could not be prosecuted for the crime. It would have been less costly for me to have shot him with my boyfriend's gun and gotten myself prosecuted for murder, and I had pondered doing that. There are times since I have lamented not having done it, that my freedom would have been a small price to pay to keep him from going on scott-free to do to others what he did to my wife and others whose trust he had horribly betrayed.
TheSkeptic
Posts: 1,362
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4/14/2009 11:43:22 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 4/14/2009 11:33:46 PM, PervRat wrote:
No, he did not confess. There were many complicated reasons he could not be prosecuted for the crime. It would have been less costly for me to have shot him with my boyfriend's gun and gotten myself prosecuted for murder, and I had pondered doing that. There are times since I have lamented not having done it, that my freedom would have been a small price to pay to keep him from going on scott-free to do to others what he did to my wife and others whose trust he had horribly betrayed.

Dang, your life's a wreck :(. The most that has happened to me was when I got my Nintendo stolen...

DAMN YOU WHOEVER YOU WERE!!
crackofdawn_Jr
Posts: 1,350
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4/15/2009 1:16:46 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
PervRat, you've definitley had a lot of harship in your life. However, I also lost an aunt in 2005. Now she wasn't nearly as close to me as I'm sure your wife was, but she was to her husband, my Uncle Dennis. My Uncle Dennis was 56 years old when she died and was left alone to take care of their son, who had some mental problems. Now, 4 years later, he recently got remarried and is now quite happy. He married someone who also lost her spouse. If my Uncle can turn his life around after the death of his spouse I believe that you, at a much yonger 33, can also turn your life around.
There are three types of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics"
-Mark Twain

"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success"

"Therefore love moderately. Long love doth so.
Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow."
- William Shakespeare

"There must be no majority decisions, but only responsible persons, and the word 'council' must be restored to its original meaning. Surely every man will have advisers by his side, but the decision will be made by one man."
- Adolf Hitler
PervRat
Posts: 963
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4/15/2009 5:11:06 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
Oh I have known widows and widowers who remarried and were happy. I just can't seem to pull out of the rut. I am far less of a men now than I was when I met either lover. I've lost too much of myself, and cannot even take care of myself. The only ones who would be my lover now would be those who gave me pity, and I don't really view pity as a good basis for a relationship.
crackofdawn_Jr
Posts: 1,350
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4/15/2009 5:13:25 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 4/15/2009 5:11:06 PM, PervRat wrote:
Oh I have known widows and widowers who remarried and were happy. I just can't seem to pull out of the rut. I am far less of a men now than I was when I met either lover. I've lost too much of myself, and cannot even take care of myself. The only ones who would be my lover now would be those who gave me pity, and I don't really view pity as a good basis for a relationship.

Our those who wish to save you. Another question, if you don't mind me asking, did your wife tell anybody about the first rape? Because I hear a lot of people are too scared/embarassed to say anything usually.
There are three types of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics"
-Mark Twain

"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success"

"Therefore love moderately. Long love doth so.
Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow."
- William Shakespeare

"There must be no majority decisions, but only responsible persons, and the word 'council' must be restored to its original meaning. Surely every man will have advisers by his side, but the decision will be made by one man."
- Adolf Hitler
I-am-a-panda
Posts: 15,380
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4/16/2009 7:49:23 AM
Posted: 7 years ago
Pervrat, I hear you. When I was 11 (I think, grainy moments in my life) I lost my mother. Not too hard for me being she was in hospital most of my life. However, a dead mother means a widower. My Father attempted to start getting a partner, however my sister did not agree with that, for some reason. Needless to say, I was completely against her decision.

Count yourself lucky in that you do not have kids to contend with. I do hope you remarry and live a happy life. Every think of counselling? I got some, however, found I didn't need it. But it could be far more useful to you than it was to me.
Pizza. I have enormous respect for Pizza.
BigMac
Posts: 1,155
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4/16/2009 8:49:29 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
i had a little bro who died at 9 months... he had trisome 18.
he literally died in my mom's arms, 10 feet away from me.
prolly the worst day of my life so far.
I'm back.
PervRat
Posts: 963
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4/17/2009 2:58:38 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
Melama, Employment Security Department
Info: Specific -
8778103263 7203

crackofdawn_Jr: My wife confided with my boyfriend over the Internet and with me, and a few others, but she did not want to face her father in trial. Part of her feared breaking her mother's heart, even if it meant letting her father get away with rape. It was neither an easy decision nor one she parted mortal life on peaceful terms with. I wish she had, of course, I tried to encourage her, but her decision not to was no way going to impact my relationship with her, not even in the slightest. It is hard to talk about, its hard for me to talk about and I'm not even the victim, but I feel I need to overcome that fear and talk about it. Its part of the person my wife became. Rape victims are made to feel fear and embarrassment and shame, I feel, and ... it is my unfounded hope ... that talking about it a little bit might help take that fear away of standing up for yourself and persuing your abuser through the justice system. I know a lot of sexual abuses never get reported because, even decades later, the victim is too afraid/embarrassed/ashamed to report it.

I really thin it important to talk about, not just among our selves and with intimate lovers and confidants, but out in the open. I realize it is not a comfortable topic, but ... again, I feel strongly it is important. Yes, I feel fear and shame ... why couldn't I be more of a man for her? Why do I still weep long after she stopped crying? I wish I had the answers.

JBlake: She died in January 2006 of complications from lymphoma, so a little over 3 years ago.
PervRat
Posts: 963
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4/17/2009 3:00:26 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
Errp ignore those first 3 lines, was using one Notepad window to take down notes from a voicemail regarding my unemployment and I blindly copied all + pasted into the message window. Wish I could go back and edit or delete that post, grrr ...

*embarrassed*
feverish
Posts: 2,716
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4/28/2009 5:50:14 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
Hey Perv,

I don't think my experiences can really compare with yours, but I do identify a little on this issue, don't know if this is helpful but just to let you know anyway.

An ex-girlfriend of mine was molested by her dad. I was twenty and she was sixteen when we first met and she told me about it after I took her virginity which kind of freaked me out a bit, I was the first person she had ever talked to about it.

I met her again years later, I was 23, she 19 and we had more of a full-on thing for several months. The issue of what had happened in her past (it was when she was first hitting puberty) placed a lot of strain on our relationship, especially when I met her parents.

She had since talked to other friends about it and even told her mum who refused to believe or accept it but she was not willing to confront her father. I understand feeling murderous hatred towards someone who has mistreated someone you care about in this way.

I have not seen her for several years, but she seemed happy last time I did. I don't know what her family relationships are like though.

I know this is nowhere near as heavy a situation as your wife was in, but thought I'd share it with you anyway.

Peace.
PervRat
Posts: 963
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10/9/2009 12:32:36 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
Thanks, feverish.

I loved my wife dearly, of course. I didn't know quite what to do, so in the absence, I avoided pushing her to do anything she didn't want to do in terms of confronting her father nor bringing him to justice.
Danielle
Posts: 21,330
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10/9/2009 1:28:10 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
Pervrat, I've had 5 serious relationships with girls (I consider it serious if it lasted for over a year), and 2 of them have been raped. The others have had scares. I've had my fair share of scares, close calls, and even other, um, uncomfortable situations also. Almost every girl I've dated or hooked up with has mentioned something inappropriate done to them as well. It's a really hard thing to deal with and accept; I actually started dating one of the girls RIGHT after it happened. It's incredibly frustrating to say the least. You feel helpless and sometimes overly self-conscious of their comfort. At least that's been my experience. I think guys basically just need to be really careful and considerate when it comes to instigating sex. Sure everyone has those hot and heavy no holds barred fantasies, but usually the willingness of acting on them comes with the stability and comfort of a relationship. I don't think it's safe for guys to go around assuming "No really means yes." People also need to be more understanding and accepting when those who have been raped come forward. I don't care how well you think you know a person, or how strong-willed and blunt they might be with EVERYTHING else... when it comes to rape, or other sexual abuse, this is probably the single most uncomfortable thing for ANY girl - ESPECIALLY if it involves a family member!!!
President of DDO
JBlake
Posts: 4,634
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10/9/2009 1:34:58 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
Where do all of you live?!? :o

I don't know anyone who has had even a scare. The closest has been someone trying to talk them into it after they said no (but not being physically pushy).
Danielle
Posts: 21,330
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10/9/2009 1:40:00 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
New York, New Jersey and Michigan...? I realize that it was a hypothetical question, though maybe location does have something to do with it. I doubt it though. I think that people just don't talk about it so it happens a lot more often than you think. I mean, would one of your friends randomly come up to you and say, "Hey - I was raped yesterday! What's new with you?" Nah. Most girls feel ashamed, at fault, or just too upset to ever bring it up. I promise.
President of DDO
JBlake
Posts: 4,634
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10/9/2009 1:52:56 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 10/9/2009 1:40:00 PM, theLwerd wrote:
New York, New Jersey and Michigan...? I realize that it was a hypothetical question, though maybe location does have something to do with it. I doubt it though. I think that people just don't talk about it so it happens a lot more often than you think. I mean, would one of your friends randomly come up to you and say, "Hey - I was raped yesterday! What's new with you?" Nah. Most girls feel ashamed, at fault, or just too upset to ever bring it up. I promise.

I am quite confident that most of my female friends would confide such information to me. At the very least, I would notice something wrong, and then convince them to confide in me. Most of my friends of both genders come to me with their problems.

I live in a college town, so I am aware that it exists - and in no small quantity. But for some reason it hasn't happened to any of my friends. Although, someone did slip GHB into my girlfriend's drink long before I had ever met her (though she was with friends and made it to the hospital instead of some stranger's house). So I suppose you could call that a scare.
Danielle
Posts: 21,330
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10/9/2009 2:31:30 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
Yeah, definitely. I think that a lot of this has to do with environment. Being with friends you're comfortable with is KEY to avoid this situation. I'll give you several real life examples of experiences I know of:

1) My ex was hanging out drinking in her own home. Her current roommate, a guy she had actually slept with before, had some of his friends come over. One of them brought 2 of HIS friends. At the end of the night, she was a little tipsy and thought one of the guys she had been hanging out with that night seemed nice. She invited him to stay, but two others stayed as well. Her roommate had gone to bed and everyone else had left. She tried getting the guys to leave but they refused. She realized their intentions, but she felt uncomfortable waking up her roommate because she didn't want it to be a "weird situation" since they had hooked up before. So, one by one the guys took her in her own bedroom and had sex with her. Sometimes they forced her to do things she didn't want to do ( ... ) in that regard.

She foolishly thinks that all of this was her fault. None of it was. Even if she WERE a little drunk, no means no. Even if she did invited one of them to stay, no means no. Even if she was too scared to cry for help when she had the chance (though they covered her mouth when she screamed), no means no. It is NEVER the girls fault, no matter what. I don't care about what she was wearing, her reputation or if she "seemed" like she was interested. No means no.

2) My other ex was just having fun and drinking at a party; not too drunk. The relative of one of her upstairs neighbors took her into a bedroom and proceeded to have sex with her despite her not wanting any part of it.

3) I was hanging out with some friends when I somehow found myself the only girl with a bunch of guys in the woods (this was in HS when people thought it was cool to hang out there... I never did, but I digress). One guy I had just met that night kept going on and on about how he was in love with me, would leave his gf in a heartbeat to be with me, etc. He kept forcing himself on me, kissing me and pulling me to his lap, trying to push me on my knees, pinning me down to the floor and pulling at my clothes, etc. I luckily escaped an incident that night because he was drunk and I was able to overpower him at times and mostly just escaped when I pushed him and he fell over. Now keep in mind that this is only ONE scare that I'm willing to talk publicly about. Even if you say I shouldn't have been alone with him in the woods (duh), regardless, nobody deserves that. And, I accidentally found myself in that situation (the whole thing was just a random coincidence actually that I wound up there with other friends) so you can't always predict something like that.

Anyway, some guys are d1cks. You never hear about women raping people. Ugh.
President of DDO
JBlake
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10/9/2009 2:47:03 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
Why would someone say you shouldn't have been in the woods alone with a guy? Being alone in the woods is not consent to sex, so far as I know...