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Pornography Addiction

Lasagna
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9/29/2011 12:27:43 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
Has anyone ever grappled with this? Do you believe it's not really an addiction?

I've always supplemented my love life (whether or not I was in a relationship) with use of porn, because I didn't see much wrong with it. After all, it's not cheating, because I am by myself and I'm not actually connecting with anyone on the other side. I still have sex, but on those inopportune nights where I can't it's nice to have a fall-back. However I've always kept it secret, and my girl-friend has unwittingly stumbled upon it a couple times and it has caused a lot of problems. Our relationship may very well be over now after this last time, and I feel pretty bad about not realizing the effects of it sooner. Has this ever happened to anybody else?
Rob
inferno
Posts: 10,556
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9/29/2011 12:45:21 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/29/2011 12:27:43 PM, Lasagna wrote:
Has anyone ever grappled with this? Do you believe it's not really an addiction?

I've always supplemented my love life (whether or not I was in a relationship) with use of porn, because I didn't see much wrong with it. After all, it's not cheating, because I am by myself and I'm not actually connecting with anyone on the other side. I still have sex, but on those inopportune nights where I can't it's nice to have a fall-back. However I've always kept it secret, and my girl-friend has unwittingly stumbled upon it a couple times and it has caused a lot of problems. Our relationship may very well be over now after this last time, and I feel pretty bad about not realizing the effects of it sooner. Has this ever happened to anybody else?

It means you need to seek some counseling. Or better yet, seek Jesus.
Pornography is dangerous my friend. It opens up a doorway to disaster.
You energy becomes scattered, your thoughts run incessantly.
It cause apathy for your own personal relationships as you subconsciously try to compensate for the lack therein. How is that possible Lasagna, when you are so busy trying to get her to keep up. I hope that you will find the time to do something more productive and meaningful with your time. This will destroy you if not careful about your decisions.
vbaculum
Posts: 1,274
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9/29/2011 2:32:07 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
I've never had that problem Lasanga. In my relationship it could never happen. My wife isn't naive about the mechanics of male physiology and I usually don't hide the fact that I am often aroused by other woman. This is when most people would point out that "the key is honesty and openness", but I can't say for sure that every woman would be as tolerant as my wife is. If I were going through what you described, I would just try to educate your wife (assuming that is the problem) on why this is natural for a man and why she has no need to feel threatened by it. You may want to explain that it's more advantagious to her that you have a way to relieve yourself. I may also be so bold as to tell her something like "I only use pornagraphy because I don't have any nudes of you". I've actually told my wife this, but she knew I was joking :)
"If you claim to value nonviolence and you consume animal products, you need to rethink your position on nonviolence." - Gary Francione

THE WORLD IS VEGAN! If you want it
Ore_Ele
Posts: 25,980
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9/29/2011 2:33:19 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/29/2011 12:27:43 PM, Lasagna wrote:
Has anyone ever grappled with this? Do you believe it's not really an addiction?

I've always supplemented my love life (whether or not I was in a relationship) with use of porn, because I didn't see much wrong with it. After all, it's not cheating, because I am by myself and I'm not actually connecting with anyone on the other side. I still have sex, but on those inopportune nights where I can't it's nice to have a fall-back. However I've always kept it secret, and my girl-friend has unwittingly stumbled upon it a couple times and it has caused a lot of problems. Our relationship may very well be over now after this last time, and I feel pretty bad about not realizing the effects of it sooner. Has this ever happened to anybody else?

Thank you for making DDO just a little more creepy.
"Wanting Red Rhino Pill to have gender"
randolph7
Posts: 307
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9/29/2011 2:58:30 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/29/2011 2:33:19 PM, Ore_Ele wrote:
At 9/29/2011 12:27:43 PM, Lasagna wrote:
Has anyone ever grappled with this? Do you believe it's not really an addiction?

I've always supplemented my love life (whether or not I was in a relationship) with use of porn, because I didn't see much wrong with it. After all, it's not cheating, because I am by myself and I'm not actually connecting with anyone on the other side. I still have sex, but on those inopportune nights where I can't it's nice to have a fall-back. However I've always kept it secret, and my girl-friend has unwittingly stumbled upon it a couple times and it has caused a lot of problems. Our relationship may very well be over now after this last time, and I feel pretty bad about not realizing the effects of it sooner. Has this ever happened to anybody else?

Thank you for making DDO just a little more creepy.

Pornography's creepy? As a multi-bizillion dollar industry, I'd say it's mainstream.
"ahh but i have indeed found the burdon of truth the, muffs have found it. oh mothy dear dear mothy"
OMGJustinBieber
Posts: 3,484
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9/29/2011 3:09:14 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
I would be careful about the term "addiction." Do you have withdrawal effects when you don't watch porn or is it just an activity you enjoy? Porn can be a way of exploring your sexual horizons and learning your likes and dislikes. As long as it's not interfering with your other time commitments and there's no withdrawal effects go for it.
Kinesis
Posts: 3,667
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9/29/2011 3:14:29 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/29/2011 2:33:19 PM, Ore_Ele wrote:
Thank you for making DDO just a little more creepy.

It isn't 'creepy' - there's nothing wrong with using pornography.
Ore_Ele
Posts: 25,980
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9/29/2011 3:19:33 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/29/2011 3:14:29 PM, Kinesis wrote:
At 9/29/2011 2:33:19 PM, Ore_Ele wrote:
Thank you for making DDO just a little more creepy.

It isn't 'creepy' - there's nothing wrong with using pornography.

There is when you start sharing it with others. Kind of like telling your coworkers what you just spent 15 minutes in the bathroom doing.
"Wanting Red Rhino Pill to have gender"
randolph7
Posts: 307
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9/29/2011 3:35:49 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/29/2011 3:19:33 PM, Ore_Ele wrote:
At 9/29/2011 3:14:29 PM, Kinesis wrote:
At 9/29/2011 2:33:19 PM, Ore_Ele wrote:
Thank you for making DDO just a little more creepy.

It isn't 'creepy' - there's nothing wrong with using pornography.

There is when you start sharing it with others. Kind of like telling your coworkers what you just spent 15 minutes in the bathroom doing.

What's wrong with that?
"ahh but i have indeed found the burdon of truth the, muffs have found it. oh mothy dear dear mothy"
Ore_Ele
Posts: 25,980
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9/29/2011 3:37:18 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/29/2011 3:35:49 PM, randolph7 wrote:
At 9/29/2011 3:19:33 PM, Ore_Ele wrote:
At 9/29/2011 3:14:29 PM, Kinesis wrote:
At 9/29/2011 2:33:19 PM, Ore_Ele wrote:
Thank you for making DDO just a little more creepy.

It isn't 'creepy' - there's nothing wrong with using pornography.

There is when you start sharing it with others. Kind of like telling your coworkers what you just spent 15 minutes in the bathroom doing.

What's wrong with that?

co-workers tend to be "creeped out" by it, ergo it is "creepy."
"Wanting Red Rhino Pill to have gender"
Ore_Ele
Posts: 25,980
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9/29/2011 3:47:52 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/29/2011 3:46:01 PM, OMGJustinBieber wrote:
Also Rob's gf is a prude if she's considering breaking up with him over looking at porn. That just doesn't make any sense.

Kind of depends on the kind of porn it was though.
"Wanting Red Rhino Pill to have gender"
OMGJustinBieber
Posts: 3,484
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9/29/2011 3:51:39 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/29/2011 3:47:52 PM, Ore_Ele wrote:
At 9/29/2011 3:46:01 PM, OMGJustinBieber wrote:
Also Rob's gf is a prude if she's considering breaking up with him over looking at porn. That just doesn't make any sense.

Kind of depends on the kind of porn it was though.

Yeah, if Rob's looking at gay porn I could expect his girlfriend to feel troubled since she could never fill that role. I am just assuming here that Rob's looking at mainly male-female and some lesbian stuff and perfectly normal for men.

You have a point, but it seems like it would have to be something extreme for the relationship to be at risk.
Lasagna
Posts: 2,440
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9/29/2011 3:54:03 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
Well as far as it being an addiction, I woudn't have hesitated to call it that before, because it's incredibly hard for me to go through a morning or a night without some kind of sexual relief. I've essentialled quelled the impulses by only thinking about her when I do my thing, and keeping thoughts about other women out of my head. I didn't think would work but it actually has for the time being. It's been about 10 days since I didn't use porn or fantasize about women other than mine, and I'm doing pretty well. My fiancee and I have stopped having sex because she's so abhorred by the whole thing, so the real thing has become even less of an option. This has come up before and I chose to lie about it and hide it instead of address it, so in that way I was kind of like a crackhead or an alcoholic in my behavior. Whether or not we are going to pull through this I don't know, because she's in pretty bad shape and her emotional problems have climaxed because of all this. She's not eating and she's just miserable.

Ore Ele, I don't get any satisfaction from this, I'm doing it out of desperation. I've been secretive about it for many years and I've decided that the only way to put the nail in the coughin of me doing it is to come out with it. I don't need to come out with it on DDO but it helps a bit and if I can show someone else what happens if you don't stop then it's worth it. I've seen porno discussions on here before and I chose not to comment.
Rob
OMGJustinBieber
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9/29/2011 4:06:56 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
You have to be open and honest with your partner. The fact that you've been hiding it suggests that you're ashamed which just doesn't rub off well.
Lickdafoot
Posts: 5,599
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9/29/2011 4:07:53 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/29/2011 3:54:03 PM, Lasagna wrote:
Well as far as it being an addiction, I woudn't have hesitated to call it that before, because it's incredibly hard for me to go through a morning or a night without some kind of sexual relief. I've essentialled quelled the impulses by only thinking about her when I do my thing, and keeping thoughts about other women out of my head. I didn't think would work but it actually has for the time being. It's been about 10 days since I didn't use porn or fantasize about women other than mine, and I'm doing pretty well. My fiancee and I have stopped having sex because she's so abhorred by the whole thing, so the real thing has become even less of an option. This has come up before and I chose to lie about it and hide it instead of address it, so in that way I was kind of like a crackhead or an alcoholic in my behavior. Whether or not we are going to pull through this I don't know, because she's in pretty bad shape and her emotional problems have climaxed because of all this. She's not eating and she's just miserable.

She shouldn't be wanting to control you in that way. It's normal for you to think about other women. If you are honest about your habits, she should have no reason to feel threatened. I think the underlying issue is the fact that you lied about it. This makes someone mistrust your intentions, no matter what the lie was about. Ask her if she will be accepting of the whole thing if you include her more or are at least upfront about it. who knows, she might end up liking it and it could work out to your favor... if she's giving you trouble just to keep you from watching porn or thinking of other women, she's prob not worth it...
WAKE UP AND READ THIS: http://www.debate.org...
Kinesis
Posts: 3,667
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9/29/2011 4:17:14 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/29/2011 3:19:33 PM, Ore_Ele wrote:
There is when you start sharing it with others. Kind of like telling your coworkers what you just spent 15 minutes in the bathroom doing.

He was talking* about how pornography affected his relationship. It's not like he was just randomly describing his masturbation habits.

*I was going to use the verb 'spilling' but decided not to.
randolph7
Posts: 307
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9/29/2011 4:19:29 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/29/2011 4:07:53 PM, Lickdafoot wrote:
At 9/29/2011 3:54:03 PM, Lasagna wrote:
Well as far as it being an addiction, I woudn't have hesitated to call it that before, because it's incredibly hard for me to go through a morning or a night without some kind of sexual relief. I've essentialled quelled the impulses by only thinking about her when I do my thing, and keeping thoughts about other women out of my head. I didn't think would work but it actually has for the time being. It's been about 10 days since I didn't use porn or fantasize about women other than mine, and I'm doing pretty well. My fiancee and I have stopped having sex because she's so abhorred by the whole thing, so the real thing has become even less of an option. This has come up before and I chose to lie about it and hide it instead of address it, so in that way I was kind of like a crackhead or an alcoholic in my behavior. Whether or not we are going to pull through this I don't know, because she's in pretty bad shape and her emotional problems have climaxed because of all this. She's not eating and she's just miserable.

She shouldn't be wanting to control you in that way. It's normal for you to think about other women. If you are honest about your habits, she should have no reason to feel threatened. I think the underlying issue is the fact that you lied about it. This makes someone mistrust your intentions, no matter what the lie was about. Ask her if she will be accepting of the whole thing if you include her more or are at least upfront about it. who knows, she might end up liking it and it could work out to your favor... if she's giving you trouble just to keep you from watching porn or thinking of other women, she's prob not worth it...

this
"ahh but i have indeed found the burdon of truth the, muffs have found it. oh mothy dear dear mothy"
randolph7
Posts: 307
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9/29/2011 4:22:11 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
On the other hand, I can understand the impulse to lie when interrupted and the embarassment associated with it. But if being open about it creeps her out then yeah maybe it is time to move on -- there's no reason your partner should make you feel ashamed to be male.
"ahh but i have indeed found the burdon of truth the, muffs have found it. oh mothy dear dear mothy"
vbaculum
Posts: 1,274
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9/29/2011 4:25:55 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
I would get some couples counciling. She's depressed, not eating and your relationship is falling apart. Don't get religious counciling though. Something tells me that's a major source of the problem.
"If you claim to value nonviolence and you consume animal products, you need to rethink your position on nonviolence." - Gary Francione

THE WORLD IS VEGAN! If you want it
Lasagna
Posts: 2,440
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9/29/2011 4:29:29 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
I also told her that, in lieu of porn, I will sometimes open facebook and look at pics on there. Now she's completely lost it, and every other word out of her mouth whenever we talk is "you'd rather be with your WHORES on facebook!" She might even come on DDO looking for heads. I deleted over 50 people who were on my FB page the other day, because yeah a lot of them were people who weren't my friends and who just had nice pictures up, but that doesn't matter to her. She's dragging our relationship through the mud and destroying everything, and I don't know how much longer I can take it even if it is my fault. She's nothing but abusive and she says I have to deal with it.
Rob
Lasagna
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9/29/2011 4:31:46 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/29/2011 4:25:55 PM, vbaculum wrote:
I would get some couples counciling. She's depressed, not eating and your relationship is falling apart. Don't get religious counciling though. Something tells me that's a major source of the problem.

She's arranged couples counceling at the Catholic Diocese because it's cheap, but that isn't for over two weeks and by then I will be well past my threshold of abuse.
Rob
Ore_Ele
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9/29/2011 4:32:45 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/29/2011 4:29:29 PM, Lasagna wrote:
I also told her that, in lieu of porn, I will sometimes open facebook and look at pics on there. Now she's completely lost it, and every other word out of her mouth whenever we talk is "you'd rather be with your WHORES on facebook!" She might even come on DDO looking for heads. I deleted over 50 people who were on my FB page the other day, because yeah a lot of them were people who weren't my friends and who just had nice pictures up, but that doesn't matter to her. She's dragging our relationship through the mud and destroying everything, and I don't know how much longer I can take it even if it is my fault. She's nothing but abusive and she says I have to deal with it.

couples counciling. Though don't try to play it off as "you're crazy, you need to go to counciling and I'll sit by your side while these doctor-like people call you crazy in medical terms," but as something for BOTH of you.
"Wanting Red Rhino Pill to have gender"
randolph7
Posts: 307
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9/29/2011 4:40:16 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/29/2011 4:31:46 PM, Lasagna wrote:
At 9/29/2011 4:25:55 PM, vbaculum wrote:
I would get some couples counciling. She's depressed, not eating and your relationship is falling apart. Don't get religious counciling though. Something tells me that's a major source of the problem.

She's arranged couples counceling at the Catholic Diocese because it's cheap, but that isn't for over two weeks and by then I will be well past my threshold of abuse.

Nobody can abuse you like that without your permission.
"ahh but i have indeed found the burdon of truth the, muffs have found it. oh mothy dear dear mothy"
Lasagna
Posts: 2,440
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9/29/2011 4:42:21 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/29/2011 4:32:45 PM, Ore_Ele wrote:
At 9/29/2011 4:29:29 PM, Lasagna wrote:
I also told her that, in lieu of porn, I will sometimes open facebook and look at pics on there. Now she's completely lost it, and every other word out of her mouth whenever we talk is "you'd rather be with your WHORES on facebook!" She might even come on DDO looking for heads. I deleted over 50 people who were on my FB page the other day, because yeah a lot of them were people who weren't my friends and who just had nice pictures up, but that doesn't matter to her. She's dragging our relationship through the mud and destroying everything, and I don't know how much longer I can take it even if it is my fault. She's nothing but abusive and she says I have to deal with it.

couples counciling. Though don't try to play it off as "you're crazy, you need to go to counciling and I'll sit by your side while these doctor-like people call you crazy in medical terms," but as something for BOTH of you.

I'm trying for it not to come off like that, but she's turning into a maniac and I honestly don't even trust her when she's on the edge like this. I don't want to be naive and say "I'm fixed" because I've made it ten days, but I am doing very well and I'm not getting any emotional support from her about the progress I've made. She on the other hand is continuing to refrain from eating and lose weight, bad-mouth me to all her friends and family (that feels great), and talk down to me like I'm a second-class citizen. In her eyes I am "ufcking people online" and screwing her over, and I've been "abusing her for 5.5 years" so it's OK for her to say whatever she wants about me. She says it's the same as cheating and I believe her that she feels that way...
Rob
Ore_Ele
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9/29/2011 4:46:10 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
Does she watch chick flicks? Because those are basically porn for women.
"Wanting Red Rhino Pill to have gender"
randolph7
Posts: 307
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9/29/2011 4:51:15 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
I disagree with couples counselling in this situation. It only works when both people are open enough to see their flaws and accept suggestions. From your description she seems singularly focused and not likely to benefit while you appear to at least be open to suggestion. Again, this only from what you've posted here...
"ahh but i have indeed found the burdon of truth the, muffs have found it. oh mothy dear dear mothy"
Lasagna
Posts: 2,440
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9/29/2011 5:25:06 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/29/2011 4:51:15 PM, randolph7 wrote:
I disagree with couples counselling in this situation. It only works when both people are open enough to see their flaws and accept suggestions. From your description she seems singularly focused and not likely to benefit while you appear to at least be open to suggestion. Again, this only from what you've posted here...

Well she's getting counseling either way because she's doing very badly. She's gonna see a Dr about not eating here tomorrow (I believe) and the counseling session is scheduled for Oct 13th. I'm just not sure I can make it until then without doing something regrettable.
Rob
randolph7
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9/29/2011 5:48:18 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/29/2011 5:25:06 PM, Lasagna wrote:
At 9/29/2011 4:51:15 PM, randolph7 wrote:
I disagree with couples counselling in this situation. It only works when both people are open enough to see their flaws and accept suggestions. From your description she seems singularly focused and not likely to benefit while you appear to at least be open to suggestion. Again, this only from what you've posted here...

Well she's getting counseling either way because she's doing very badly. She's gonna see a Dr about not eating here tomorrow (I believe) and the counseling session is scheduled for Oct 13th. I'm just not sure I can make it until then without doing something regrettable.

I said couples counseling wouldnt help. She may very well respond to 1-on-1 counseling. But realize either way this wont be a quick or easy fix. The relationship is off track and requires work from BOTH of you, if thats what you want. In my experience couples therapy fails unless both people come at it completely open. I dont see that here.
"ahh but i have indeed found the burdon of truth the, muffs have found it. oh mothy dear dear mothy"