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Kidney Stone

Lasagna
Posts: 2,440
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10/28/2011 3:01:22 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
Every knee shall bow before god. That's all I could think about while I was grasping the stainless steel handlebars, vomiting for no other reason than being in excruciating pain and having no other means to relieve it. Of course these narcotics are supposed to help, however I'm nervous taking them because I don't believe you can cheat pain. Despite this realization I must try to end the ordeal, even temporarily, to regain the sanity I am losing. At 10:55pm, my guts started curling inside of me as if to punish me for that McRib I broke down and bought yesterday. The pain was startling, and I began to feel a dream-like state come over me, trying to make sense of how I could be downright chipper at 10:54 and then whimpering like a scared dog before the hour fell. I momentarily wished for the dream to remain, overcome my senses, and finally return me to my normal life of pettiness and complacency. But this isn't a dream; it is my pennance for being a human being. Humans are capable of pain and pleasure beyond that of the animals, and this delicate balance of positive and negative remains no matter what kind of life you choose to live. Just as indulgence leads one to a state of longing, pain leads one to a state of appreciation. We take so much for granted... It takes pain to force us down to our knees and see just how blessed we truly are.
Rob
FREEDO
Posts: 21,057
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10/28/2011 3:18:06 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
Yeah, one debate I was forced to concede to my opponent was on child birth vs kidney stone and which more painful. Good luck man.
GRAND POOBAH OF DDO

fnord
Lasagna
Posts: 2,440
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10/28/2011 7:48:59 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
Thanks man. The pain is supposed to come and go, so I'm waiting for my next volley. They said it could be a day, could be a week before it's all over.
Rob
Lasagna
Posts: 2,440
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11/4/2011 2:22:53 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
OK so after 170 hours of suffering through this I believe I may have ended it. I've been starting to get worried because the doctor said "a day, possibly a week" and it's been a week and nothing is happening. I haven't had a bowel movement in 8 days and that's making me even more uncomfortable and worried about what's going on in my stomache. I decided to go buy some ex-lax at Wal-Mart tonight and at least try and get that out of the way, but it said "don't take with kidney disease" and "can take 1-3 days to work" so I just put it back and left. But not before buying a carton of concord grapes.

Concord grapes are like little balls of mace inside leathery skins, complete with splintering wooden pits inside that, if you accidentally bite and crack, you might as well spit out because you won't separate the mess with your tongue. But I love them so much because of their tartness and juiciness. I went complete apeshit with them and ate the whole carton, why I'm not sure. As soon as I finished the grapes I hit the throne and have seemed to solve both my problems, as the burning-acid grapes tore through my guts and destroyed everything in their path (they also sting your lips and you're in trouble if they find an open crack in your mouth). I literally pissed wine and burnt my urethra (I thought it was blood at first). The filter they gave me to sift and find the stone for the first time in 7 days caught something, although it doesn't quite look like a kidney stone... it just looks like chunks of grapes but that doesn't seem plausible. What appears to have happened is that the grapes destroyed it into hundreds of pieces, literally in about 20 minutes. Otherwise, there's no way to explain how I consistently turned up absolutely nothing in the filter and now it's full of small debris with several larger pieces.

Did I just find the ultimate cure for one of the world's most uncomfortable conditions? I'm not sure. If I disappear without a trace soon, rest assured the pharmaceutical companies are covering it up.
Rob
RoyLatham
Posts: 4,488
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11/16/2011 3:45:41 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
While in extreme duress, contemplate waterboarding. Would you talk to escape the pain? More important, would you lie? If you lie, it's bound to come back. Waterboarding isn't exactly painful, but it's extreme duress. One wouldn't want the pain experience go to waste.

For extreme clogging, look in the drugstore for something called "Fleets." There is nothing to, um, ingest.

Kidney stones are formed when crystals form in the urine. The causes are mostly unknown. They are peed out painfully. It's not too rare, but some people do have chronic problems.