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Sick Jokes

I-am-a-panda
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2/18/2011 3:11:00 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
ITT: Sick jokes. Not for the faint hearted. I'll get the ball rolling.

A man is in a car crash. Both his parents are dead and his legs and arms are crippled. His just about climbs out and barely makes it to the road. A driver spots him and pulls over. The man says to him "Help! I was in a car crash, my parents are dead and I've crippled my arms and legs!". The driver proceeds to get out and walks over to him. he then pulls the mans trousers down and says "Not your day today is it?"
Pizza. I have enormous respect for Pizza.
CosmicAlfonzo
Posts: 5,955
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2/18/2011 3:22:35 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
Let me tell you something about "women's movement". There is only one women's movement, and I'm deeply involved in it.

That is the movement where their back arches up, they hold onto the top of the bed, and their eyes roll back.

This is the most important women's movement, and you should all be involved in it.

Did you know that the female species is divided into three compartments?

There is the girl. A girl is a person who dreams of having a boy kiss her on the lips.

Then there is the lady. The lady is a person who thinks that every guy should kiss her @ss.

Then there is the woman. A woman appreciates it when a man kisses her poosey.

That is how you tell them apart.
Official "High Priest of Secular Affairs and Transient Distributor of Sonic Apple Seeds relating to the Reptilian Division of Paperwork Immoliation" of The FREEDO Bureaucracy, a DDO branch of the Erisian Front, a subdivision of the Discordian Back, a Limb of the Illuminatian Cosmic Utensil Corp
I-am-a-panda
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2/18/2011 3:27:53 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
What's better than throwing dead babies off a building?

Catching them with pitchforks.

What's better than driving over a dead baby?

Skidding over one.

How do you get 10 dead babies in a bowl?

Blend them.

What does a dead baby in a blender sound like?

Idk myself, I was too busy fapping.

How do you get the dead baby pureé out of the bowl?

Doritos and a straw.
Pizza. I have enormous respect for Pizza.
CosmicAlfonzo
Posts: 5,955
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2/18/2011 3:30:56 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
http://www.debate.org...

trolleoleoleoleoleoling
Official "High Priest of Secular Affairs and Transient Distributor of Sonic Apple Seeds relating to the Reptilian Division of Paperwork Immoliation" of The FREEDO Bureaucracy, a DDO branch of the Erisian Front, a subdivision of the Discordian Back, a Limb of the Illuminatian Cosmic Utensil Corp
I-am-a-panda
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2/18/2011 3:42:04 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 2/18/2011 3:30:56 PM, CosmicAlfonzo wrote:
http://www.debate.org...



trolleoleoleoleoleoling

I wasn't aware of that threads existence, honestly o.O
Pizza. I have enormous respect for Pizza.
thegodhand
Posts: 361
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2/18/2011 3:55:57 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
I saw a guy behind a grave during my morning walk. I said "Morning." He said "Nah, just taking a sh*t."
"Modern atheism is Richard Dawkins."- thegodhand

"Thegodhand likes to misquote people"- Benjamin Franklin
CosmicAlfonzo
Posts: 5,955
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2/18/2011 4:06:32 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 2/18/2011 3:36:16 PM, Greyparrot wrote:
At 2/18/2011 3:30:56 PM, CosmicAlfonzo wrote:
http://www.debate.org...



trolleoleoleoleoleoling
I wish you would explain this cosmic joke to me!

Ah, that's like explaining the "Why did the chicken cross the road" joke.
Official "High Priest of Secular Affairs and Transient Distributor of Sonic Apple Seeds relating to the Reptilian Division of Paperwork Immoliation" of The FREEDO Bureaucracy, a DDO branch of the Erisian Front, a subdivision of the Discordian Back, a Limb of the Illuminatian Cosmic Utensil Corp
rogue
Posts: 2,325
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2/18/2011 10:35:13 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
What do black people and apples have in common?

They both look best hanging from a tree.

What is the worst thing about being a black jew?

You have to sit in the back of the oven.

(I swear I am not a racist or anti-semetic, I just like jokes more the more they offend)
annhasle
Posts: 6,657
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2/18/2011 10:43:10 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
*WARNING: racist humor*

What's the difference between a dead black man and a dead animal laying in the middle of the road?

There's actually skid marks in front of the animal.

What's the difference between a Mexican man and a bench?

A bench can actually support a family of four.
I'm not back. This idiot just upset me which made me stop lurking.
LaissezFaire
Posts: 2,050
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2/18/2011 10:47:29 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
What do you get when you cross an Italian and a gorilla?
-A retarded gorilla.

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
-A sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
Should we subsidize education?
http://www.debate.org...

http://mises.org...

http://lewrockwell.com...

http://antiwar.com...

: At 6/22/2011 6:57:23 PM, el-badgero wrote:
: i didn't like [Obama]. he was the only black dude in moneygall yet he claimed to be home. obvious liar is obvious liar. i bet him and bin laden are bumfvcking right now.
InsertNameHere
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2/18/2011 10:48:54 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 2/18/2011 10:35:13 PM, rogue wrote:
What do black people and apples have in common?

They both look best hanging from a tree.

What is the worst thing about being a black jew?

You have to sit in the back of the oven.

(I swear I am not a racist or anti-semetic, I just like jokes more the more they offend)

lol it's ok. I also find jew jokes hilariously funny. xD
J.Kenyon
Posts: 4,194
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2/18/2011 10:58:46 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
So this truck driver is heading down the highway when he sees a priest on the side of the road having car trouble. He stops to offer him a ride, so the priest hops in. As they're driving, the teamster notices a black guy standing in the middle of the road, so he lays on the gas petal to try to run him over. At the last minute, he remembers the priest is with him, so he swerves to avoid hitting him.

"I'm sorry, I really regret doing that father."

"That's alright, my son" the priest answers. "I got him with the door."
LaissezFaire
Posts: 2,050
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2/18/2011 10:59:40 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
Also, a great thread I just saw on b:

OP: About to f­u­­ck a girl. What should I yell when I clim­ax?

Best answers:
-WHAM BAM THANK YOU MAM
-OHHHHH YEAAA DROPPIN FUC­­KIN LOADS
-FREEEEEDOOOOMM!!!!!
-HI HOE SILVER
-YHATZEEEEEEE
-BOOM SHAKALAKA BOOM SHAKALAKA BOOM SHAKALA
-Do the truck driver
You pump your arm up and down and obnoxiously make truck noises and say, "danger wide load!"
-I VOTED FOR SARAH PALIN!
-WITH THE FORCE OF 1000 SUNS
-like a good neighbor state farm is there
-reach for a knife and scream "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE"
-UP WITH HOPE, DOWN WITH DOPE
-I LIEK CHOCOLATE MILK
-It doesn't matter what you yell, but when you are done, wipe a little cu­­m on her forehead and whisper "Simba..."
-OMG ITS LIKE SWIMMING BUT INSIDE OUT
-smack my a­ss and call me an octopus
-get a buddy to wait outside.
you'll yell MORTAL KOMBAT and he'll yell FINISH HER
-THUNDERCATS, THUNDERCATS, THUNDERCATS, HOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
-Shhh someone's coming...
When she freaks out and looks, you scream meeeeeeeeeeee
-I DEDICATE THIS TO MICHELLE OBAMA
-RELEASE THE KRAKEN
Should we subsidize education?
http://www.debate.org...

http://mises.org...

http://lewrockwell.com...

http://antiwar.com...

: At 6/22/2011 6:57:23 PM, el-badgero wrote:
: i didn't like [Obama]. he was the only black dude in moneygall yet he claimed to be home. obvious liar is obvious liar. i bet him and bin laden are bumfvcking right now.
ccstate4peat
Posts: 2,022
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2/18/2011 10:59:46 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabs her & nicks her purse.

A woman successfully gives birth after several hours of labor. The doctor takes the baby and leaves the room to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against an adjacent wall. The woman screams, "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!" To which the doctor replies, "April Fool's! It was already dead!"

I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

What's a Jew's worst dilemma? Free ham

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fück off, you won't bring it back."

What's the biggest cause of paedophilia in this country?
Sexy kids.

How can you tell your sister's on her period? Your dad's dîck tastes funny

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS

What's better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics? Not being retarded

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes! Now fück off you cunt!"

A girl with no arms or legs is lying on the beach, begging all the passing men to have sex with her. Finally a man pauses for more than a second. "Please! I'm 25 years old and I've never been fücked!" The man considers the situation briefly, picks her up and throws her into the ocean. From the choppy water, she screams her dismay, to which the man answers, "Well, you're fücked now!"

Don't bother sending your children's toys to Africa.
Can you imagine how depressing it must be for those kids to receive a Tamagotchi that's going to outlive them?

For the Aussies here: So this guy goes to Australia for a tourist trip and on the border they ask him if he had ever stayed in jail or had been arrested. So he says: " I did not know that was still required"

How do you starve a Mexican?
You hide the food stamps under the soap.

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
Bit of both, this is a rape.

I used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for bestiality, but I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

I've got more if you'd like
InsertNameHere
Posts: 15,699
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2/18/2011 11:06:10 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
Not that great, but I suppose I'll post it anyway:

When King Arthur was off looking for the Holy Grail he had Guinevere fitted with a chastity belt with a small guillotine on it to stop anyone interfering with her while he was away.

When he returned, he asks all his knights to drop their trousers and the only one with a cock is Launcelot.

"Launcelot" he says " you alone can I trust faithful friend, what shall we do with these traitors? ....... come man, speak up, have you lost your tongue?"......
InsertNameHere
Posts: 15,699
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2/18/2011 11:15:56 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve.

Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!
InsertNameHere
Posts: 15,699
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2/18/2011 11:19:16 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, "Why do you love doing that?"

She replies: "Because I really miss mine".
tornshoe92
Posts: 361
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2/18/2011 11:34:40 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
Old enough to pee is old enough for me!

What's the difference between a squirrel that's been run over and a Mexican that's been run over? The squirrel was probably on its way to a job.

What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? The canoe tips.

Why couldn't Helen Keller scream when she fell off the cliff? She was wearing mittens.

Did you know Helen Keller had a tree house? Neither did she.

How does Helen Keller drive? One hand on the wheel one hand on the road.

How did Helen Keller break her arm? Stop sign.

What's the best thing about a ten year old girl in the shower? If you slick back her hair she's an eight year old boy.

That's all I've got off the top of my head.
"Next time I see a little old lady going to church I am going kick her in the ovaries because she is personally responsible for this. Thanks Izbo." -C_N
badger
Posts: 11,793
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2/20/2011 8:18:12 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 2/18/2011 10:59:46 PM, ccstate4peat wrote:
I've got more if you'd like

i'd read 'em! those last ones were funny.
signature
thegodhand
Posts: 361
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2/20/2011 2:37:46 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?

Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?

Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister's guts.

Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?

Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.

All right, you can take another slice.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to empty the compost heap.

Shut up and keep eating.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing.

Shut up and stop squirming.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.

Shut up. I'm in the bathroom, slide her under the door.

[Alt answer] Shut up and get the maple syrup.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."

"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!

Shut up and eat your french fries!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?

Shut up, you know that grandma's leg is no longer infested.
"Modern atheism is Richard Dawkins."- thegodhand

"Thegodhand likes to misquote people"- Benjamin Franklin
thegodhand
Posts: 361
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2/20/2011 2:43:17 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
This in no way reflects my opinion on anything, well mostly. ;)

I'd just come out of Wendy's with a triple bacon cheeseburger, large fries, and a jumbo chocolate shake. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your fvcking will power'

A woman buys a wall mirror from Wal-Mart, and the manager says 'would you like a screw for that mirror?' She said no 'but I'd suck your @%*& for a lawn mower'.

If you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex. Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction, 'Finish off on her face,' didn't mean what I thought it did.

The fat girl that served me food in McDonalds at lunch time said, 'Sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry fatty, your bound to lose it eventually.'

A Pollock is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, his Pollock buddy meets him and says, ' If I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? The first Pollock says, ' If you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!' The second Pollack says, 'Four!'

When the TV weather woman said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself, ‘Fat chance with a face like that!'

I have a new pick-up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away, but since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I met a fairy today that would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever!" I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy
"Modern atheism is Richard Dawkins."- thegodhand

"Thegodhand likes to misquote people"- Benjamin Franklin
ccstate4peat
Posts: 2,022
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2/20/2011 4:39:04 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 2/20/2011 4:30:15 PM, badger wrote:
michael jackson will be with us forever! ...he's not biodegradable.

OO OO I love Michael Jackson jokes

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

One walks on the moon, and the other rapes little boys
brian_eggleston
Posts: 3,347
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2/24/2011 4:49:55 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 2/18/2011 10:59:40 PM, LaissezFaire wrote:
Also, a great thread I just saw on b:

OP: About to f­u­­ck a girl. What should I yell when I clim­ax?

Best answers:
-WHAM BAM THANK YOU MAM
-OHHHHH YEAAA DROPPIN FUC­­KIN LOADS
-FREEEEEDOOOOMM!!!!!
-HI HOE SILVER
-YHATZEEEEEEE
-BOOM SHAKALAKA BOOM SHAKALAKA BOOM SHAKALA
-Do the truck driver
You pump your arm up and down and obnoxiously make truck noises and say, "danger wide load!"
-I VOTED FOR SARAH PALIN!
-WITH THE FORCE OF 1000 SUNS
-like a good neighbor state farm is there
-reach for a knife and scream "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE"
-UP WITH HOPE, DOWN WITH DOPE
-I LIEK CHOCOLATE MILK
-It doesn't matter what you yell, but when you are done, wipe a little cu­­m on her forehead and whisper "Simba..."
-OMG ITS LIKE SWIMMING BUT INSIDE OUT
-smack my a­ss and call me an octopus
-get a buddy to wait outside.
you'll yell MORTAL KOMBAT and he'll yell FINISH HER
-THUNDERCATS, THUNDERCATS, THUNDERCATS, HOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
-Shhh someone's coming...
When she freaks out and looks, you scream meeeeeeeeeeee
-I DEDICATE THIS TO MICHELLE OBAMA
-RELEASE THE KRAKEN

He-heh-heh! Funny stuff!

BTW, Have you ever tried rodeo sex? That's where you smash your bird's back doors in (take your lady from behind) and then call her by her sister's name and see how long you can hold on. Yee-ha!
Visit the burglars' bulletin board: http://www.break-in-news.com...
brian_eggleston
Posts: 3,347
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2/24/2011 4:55:11 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 2/18/2011 10:59:46 PM, ccstate4peat wrote:
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabs her & nicks her purse.

A woman successfully gives birth after several hours of labor. The doctor takes the baby and leaves the room to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against an adjacent wall. The woman screams, "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!" To which the doctor replies, "April Fool's! It was already dead!":
I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.:
What's a Jew's worst dilemma? Free ham

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fück off, you won't bring it back.":
What's the biggest cause of paedophilia in this country?
Sexy kids.

How can you tell your sister's on her period? Your dad's dîck tastes funny

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS

What's better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics? Not being retarded

: I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes! Now fück off you cunt!":

A girl with no arms or legs is lying on the beach, begging all the passing men to have sex with her. Finally a man pauses for more than a second. "Please! I'm 25 years old and I've never been fücked!" The man considers the situation briefly, picks her up and throws her into the ocean. From the choppy water, she screams her dismay, to which the man answers, "Well, you're fücked now!"

Don't bother sending your children's toys to Africa.
Can you imagine how depressing it must be for those kids to receive a Tamagotchi that's going to outlive them?

For the Aussies here: So this guy goes to Australia for a tourist trip and on the border they ask him if he had ever stayed in jail or had been arrested. So he says: " I did not know that was still required"

How do you starve a Mexican?
You hide the food stamps under the soap.

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
Bit of both, this is a rape.

I used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for bestiality, but I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

I've got more if you'd like

Brilliant, I'll be dining out on those for weeks!
Visit the burglars' bulletin board: http://www.break-in-news.com...
MikeLoviN
Posts: 746
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2/24/2011 5:53:11 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
***Disclaimer***
I'mma jump on the bandwagon here so be advised... the following racist (or otherwise offensive) sentiments are not my own
******

now we can begin:

- How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them

- What do you do when you see a wounded black guy bleeding in the forest?
Stop laughing and reload

- What did Hitler get his daughter for her 10th birthday?
An easy-bake oven

- When's the only time you smile at a Paki?
http://www.corbisimages.com...

- Why do Mexicans eat re-fried beans?
Because they can't get anything right the first time

- Why don't women need driver's licenses?
There's no road between the bedroom and the kitchen

this one's a bit longer...

A little black kid goes into the kitchen where his mother's cooking. He sticks his hands in the flour, smears it over his face and says "look mom, I'm a little white boy". Outraged, his mother slaps him across the face and sends him to his father. So the kid goes to his dad and says "look dad, I'm a little white boy". His dad smacks him a few more times and sends the kid to his grandmother. Again, the kid goes to his grandma and says "look grandma, I'm a little white boy". His grandma beats him with her cane and sends him back to his mother. Once he gets back to the kitchen his mom asks "So, did you learn your lesson?" and the kid says "Sure have, I've only been white for 5 minutes and I already hate you black people"
theitalianstallion
Posts: 1,109
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2/24/2011 7:18:23 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?

You would too if your name was ugghhaghapluck
--------------------------------------------------------
How do you know if a blonde has been in your kitchen?

You find a pickle with a condom on it.
--------------------------------------------------------
What's funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown costume.
--------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a baby crawl in a circle?

Nail its hand to the floor.

How do you make it stop?

Nail its other hand.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why don't women know how to ski?

There's no snow between the kitchen and bedroom.
--------------------------------------------------------
How do you keep a black man out of your front yard?

Hang one in the back.
When Reach fell, I came.