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PlEASE HELP!!!!

wierdman
Posts: 721
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4/14/2011 6:16:23 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
I wrote an essay that needs proper evaluation.
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We are constantly told that you can succeed if you try, noting in this world is can stop you from reaching you goals, and finally, the most bizarre one of all "everything is possible." Many individuals live their whole lives thinking in this line of reasoning without actually considering the facts. These opportunities are provided to them by their government or in most cases there parents. They do not consider the fact that many other people in different countries or even in the same city that they live in, do not have the same opportunity as they might. In many times, the problem might be that they lack the resources needed to accomplish their goals.
I have been to other countries, experienced different disasters as well as a different life. In result I have a very good analysis on the topic of resources as well as the ability to look at the world in different ways. This ability has made me to realize the true importance of college education. If you have lived my life as well as gone through the experiences that I went through as a child, you will also appreciate the fact that you are given the resources to progress your education to heights unimaginable to people in different countries.
There is a lot to be said about modernization, the fact that it has progressed in such a fast rate as well as the fact that it has created a society fully dependant on education. In an effort to progress along side this fast change, it is essential that we acquire a college education. I realized this the moment I walked into this country, my eyes fixed upon all the technology that I could have never dreamt of. It felt like a grace to have walked into a place that did not feel like the earth I once knew. I thought of all the opportunities available f or me, for my sister and even for y younger brothers who haven't started school yet. This might seem like a repetitive experience for many, but for me it is a life changing experience in which everyone must go through to fully appreciate the opportunities, the benefits and even the advantages they are provided with.
Yes, I appreciate education in general which is why I also appreciate college education, but just like everything in life, there is a reason why we appreciate what we love. For me college means a place of opportunities; however, it is also an institute where one can pursuit his or her goals as well as develop a good mental stability. In college one starts to experience real life in different aspects. There are no more teachers trying to help the students, parents are no longer available at all times for consultation and finally many complex problems arises. It is left for the student to solve its problems as well as experience a personal growth in both physical and mental ways.
Enough about me, it is time that we proceed into the main objective associated with college. The main objective of college is to expand ones range of comprehension, in sense that the person is not only able to compete in real market but is also able to properly attack conflicts in both direct and indirect ways. Been a speech and debater, it is easy for me to comprehend simple subject due to rigorous training; however, when it comes to complicated issues such as the way the political, economic, social and scientific field work, i become naïve; this is simply because I lack the proper education/ training needed to properly understand these topics. A college is a journey of awareness and adventure, where one truly understands the meaning of living in a real, unfair world.
To me a college education is a gift, an adventure, a learning experience and finally and finally a chance to experience the real world.
Greyparrot
Posts: 14,324
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4/14/2011 6:37:46 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 4/14/2011 6:16:23 PM, wierdman wrote:
I wrote an essay that needs proper evaluation.
=====================================================
We are constantly told three concepts regarding opportunity. These concepts are: you can succeed if you try, nothing in this world can stop you from reaching you goals, and finally, the most bizarre one of all, "everything is possible." Many individuals live their whole lives believing this line of reasoning without actually considering the facts. These opportunities are actually provided by their government or in most cases their parents. They do not consider the fact that many other people in different countries or even in the same city that they live in, do not have the same opportunity as they might. Often, the problem might be that they lack the resources needed to accomplish their goals.
I have been to other countries and experienced different disasters as well as a different culture. I believe I have a very good analysis on the topic of resources as well as the ability to look at the world in different ways. I assert that this has made me to realize the true importance of college education. If you have lived my life as well as gone through the experiences that I went through as a child, you will also appreciate the fact that you possess the resources to progress your education to heights unimaginable to people in different countries.
There is a lot to be said about modernization. It has allowed the world to progress at a fast rate and it has also created a society fully dependent on education. In an effort to progress along side this fast change, it is essential that we acquire a college education. I realized this the moment I walked into this country. My eyes were fixed upon all the technology that I could have never dreamed of. It felt like a grace to have walked into a place that did not feel like the earth I once knew. I thought of all the opportunities available for me, for my sister and even for my younger brothers who haven't started school yet. This might seem like a repetitive experience for many, but for me it is a life changing experience in which everyone must go through to fully appreciate the opportunities, the benefits and even the advantages they are provided with.
Yes, I appreciate education in general which is why I also appreciate college education, but just like everything in life, there is a reason why we appreciate what we love. For me college means a place of opportunities; however, it is also an institute where one can pursue his or her goals as well as develop a good mental stability. In college one starts to experience real life in different aspects. There are no more teachers coddling the students, parents are no longer available at all times for consultation and finally, many new complex problems arise. The student must discover solutions to difficult problems as well as experience a personal growth in both physical and mental ways.
Enough about me, it is time that we proceed into the main objective associated with college. The main objective of college is to expand ones range of comprehension. The college graduate is not only able to compete in real market but is also able to properly attack conflicts in both direct and indirect ways. As a speaker and debater, it is easy for me to comprehend simple subjects due to rigorous training; however, when it comes to complicated issues such as the way the political, economic, social and scientific field work, I realize my naivety. I believe this is simply because I lack the proper education/ training needed to properly understand these topics. A college is a journey of awareness and adventure, where one truly understands the meaning of living in a real, unfair world.
To me a college education is a gift, an adventure, a learning experience and most importantly, a chance to experience the real world.

I made a few quick basic changes, feel free to make changes to my changes!
RoyLatham
Posts: 4,488
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4/15/2011 11:07:02 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
I think you did well in your essay. My main suggestion is that the first paragraph needs to give away the point of the essay. Tell people where you are going. Check the last sentence in my rewrite of the opening paragraph to see if that was your point:

"We are constantly told: you can succeed if you try, nothing in this world can stop you from reaching you goals, and finally, the most bizarre one of all, "everything is possible." In fact, opportunities are actually provided by government or, more often, by their parents. People in other countries or even in another part of the same city where they live do not have the same opportunity as they might. This means we must appreciate the opportunities that we have and make the most of them."

People like references to personal experience, so you might add a paragraph along the lines of "In Uzbeckistan I saw that people rarely had the opportunity to study French Literature." Or whatever it was you experienced.

I also cut out a lot of words from the first paragraph. That adds punch to the writing, but mastering that skill is difficult. The best I can say is to always check to see what you can eliminate. The phrase "It is ... that" can always be deleted.
wierdman
Posts: 721
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4/17/2011 4:13:05 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 4/15/2011 11:07:02 PM, RoyLatham wrote:
I think you did well in your essay. My main suggestion is that the first paragraph needs to give away the point of the essay. Tell people where you are going. Check the last sentence in my rewrite of the opening paragraph to see if that was your point:

"We are constantly told: you can succeed if you try, nothing in this world can stop you from reaching you goals, and finally, the most bizarre one of all, "everything is possible." In fact, opportunities are actually provided by government or, more often, by their parents. People in other countries or even in another part of the same city where they live do not have the same opportunity as they might. This means we must appreciate the opportunities that we have and make the most of them."

People like references to personal experience, so you might add a paragraph along the lines of "In Uzbeckistan I saw that people rarely had the opportunity to study French Literature." Or whatever it was you experienced.

I also cut out a lot of words from the first paragraph. That adds punch to the writing, but mastering that skill is difficult. The best I can say is to always check to see what you can eliminate. The phrase "It is ... that" can always be deleted.

thank you so much for your additional help