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Dry Humor.

FREEDO
Posts: 21,057
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5/28/2011 3:52:29 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
Post what you got.

--A man walks into a bar, he is an alcoholic and is ruining his family.

---What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?

They were my friends.

---What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

---Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.

---How do you confuse a blond?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

---There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.

---A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.

---Your friend is so gay, he has consensual sex with other men. and enjoys it.

---Why did the girl fall off the swing? She had no arms.

---A duck walks into a over 7-11 and says "Give me some Chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need Chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.

---A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink.

"Long day?" the bartender asks.

"No, all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.

---Why did grandpa climb the phone pole with bananas in a backpack?

He has a debilitating disease. He is slowly losing touch with reality.
GRAND POOBAH OF DDO

fnord
FREEDO
Posts: 21,057
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5/28/2011 4:20:17 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 5/28/2011 4:10:40 AM, Nags wrote:
These jokes are anti-humor, not dry humor.

What joke did nags post in the dry humor thread?

That these were technically anti-humor, not dry humor. It had a an opposing effect to that of a humorous one.
GRAND POOBAH OF DDO

fnord
Ragnar_Rahl
Posts: 19,297
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5/28/2011 4:46:04 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
Dryness of humor is about presentation. Kind of hard to achieve with a list of printed jokes.
It came to be at its height. It was commanded to command. It was a capital before its first stone was laid. It was a monument to the spirit of man.
FREEDO
Posts: 21,057
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5/28/2011 4:54:07 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 5/28/2011 4:46:04 AM, Ragnar_Rahl wrote:
Dryness of humor is about presentation. Kind of hard to achieve with a list of printed jokes.

Then imagine me saying it dryly.

Dryly is a weird word to look at.
GRAND POOBAH OF DDO

fnord
Xer
Posts: 7,776
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5/28/2011 5:43:47 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 5/28/2011 4:20:17 AM, FREEDO wrote:
At 5/28/2011 4:10:40 AM, Nags wrote:
These jokes are anti-humor, not dry humor.

What joke did nags post in the dry humor thread?

That these were technically anti-humor, not dry humor. It had a an opposing effect to that of a humorous one.

wut

Dry humor is presented with speech.

Anti-humor is the jokes in OP.

I dunno what kind of jokes you want. You can't put dry humor jokes into text.
FREEDO
Posts: 21,057
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5/28/2011 5:47:58 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 5/28/2011 5:43:47 AM, Nags wrote:
At 5/28/2011 4:20:17 AM, FREEDO wrote:
At 5/28/2011 4:10:40 AM, Nags wrote:
These jokes are anti-humor, not dry humor.

What joke did nags post in the dry humor thread?

That these were technically anti-humor, not dry humor. It had a an opposing effect to that of a humorous one.

wut

Dry humor is presented with speech.

Anti-humor is the jokes in OP.

I dunno what kind of jokes you want. You can't put dry humor jokes into text.

Yes, sorry. I new they were called anti-humor, I just didn't know that dry humor meant something different.
GRAND POOBAH OF DDO

fnord
CosmicAlfonzo
Posts: 5,955
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5/28/2011 12:00:36 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
In THE REAL WORLD.... Deadpan is my preferred delivery method. It's the best because it flies over the heads of most people, and if they don't have a sense of humor, they think you are crazy or weird.

The best way to do comedy is to make it part of the moment. I don't memorize jokes.
Official "High Priest of Secular Affairs and Transient Distributor of Sonic Apple Seeds relating to the Reptilian Division of Paperwork Immoliation" of The FREEDO Bureaucracy, a DDO branch of the Erisian Front, a subdivision of the Discordian Back, a Limb of the Illuminatian Cosmic Utensil Corp
Ragnar_Rahl
Posts: 19,297
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5/28/2011 4:26:40 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 5/28/2011 4:54:07 AM, FREEDO wrote:
At 5/28/2011 4:46:04 AM, Ragnar_Rahl wrote:
Dryness of humor is about presentation. Kind of hard to achieve with a list of printed jokes.

Then imagine me saying it dryly.

Dryly is a weird word to look at.

I think anti-humor might work better if you deliver it a bit more rambunctiously. Could be wrong.
It came to be at its height. It was commanded to command. It was a capital before its first stone was laid. It was a monument to the spirit of man.
PhantomLemon
Posts: 5
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5/28/2011 4:31:34 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
I believe you mean "Anti-humor" as someone else mentioned. Haha here's one:

Person 1: Ask if I'm a tree.

Person 2: Are you a tree?

Person 1: Nope.
Ragnar_Rahl
Posts: 19,297
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5/28/2011 4:36:47 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
Knock knock.

Dude, you just took out my door. Why would you do that?
It came to be at its height. It was commanded to command. It was a capital before its first stone was laid. It was a monument to the spirit of man.
Meatros
Posts: 1,075
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5/28/2011 5:32:04 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
-- what's the worst thing about getting beaten and sodomized by twelve gorillas and forced to blow a horse?

I'm not sure, but it ruined the flavor of gum I was chewing....
vardas0antras
Posts: 983
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5/28/2011 8:06:53 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 5/28/2011 2:18:58 PM, FREEDO wrote:
In Soviet Russia...you have no freedom and you might starve to death.

LOL :D, sorry, I have strong emotions for that place.
"When he awoke in a tomb three days later he would actually have believed that he rose from the dead" FREEDO about the resurrection of Jesus Christ
Rockylightning
Posts: 2,862
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5/30/2011 12:21:27 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
Two muffins are in an oven. They cannot say or think anything because they are lumps of muffin mix bought from a store currently being warmed up.
Rockylightning
Posts: 2,862
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5/30/2011 12:22:50 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
A guy walks into a bar. His forehead starts to bleed and he is rushed to the hospital. Turns out he has severe brain damage. Go figure.
Rockylightning
Posts: 2,862
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5/30/2011 12:25:40 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
-Getting raped by a giant scorpion.

What's worse than one bee sting?
-Two bee stings
What's worse than two bee stings?
-The holocaust
What's worse than the holocaust?
-Three bee stings.
Rockylightning
Posts: 2,862
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5/30/2011 12:31:37 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
What did batman say to robin before they got in the bat mobile?
-Get in the car.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've got a gun
now get in the van.

Knock Knock
-Who's there
A SWAT team breaks down the door and shoots the house owner's dog.

Knock Knock
-Who's there
Your stalker
-Your stalker wh- oh no.

Why did the fat kid fall off the swings?
His generous weight increased the tensions between each chain link holding the swing that the metal broke. This caused the swing to become unfastened, gravity did the rest.
I-am-a-panda
Posts: 15,380
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5/30/2011 8:07:33 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
A man is in the 5 items or less aisle with a 4 pack of Coors and a meal for one. An Indian woman is in front of him with a bottle of one and a similar meal for one. He looks at her and says "You're single?". She looks away, and blushes. Looking at him again, she lets out a giggle and replies "Yes, how did you know?". He coolly takes a step forward and says "Because you're an ugly c*nt"
Pizza. I have enormous respect for Pizza.
learn2love
Posts: 56
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5/30/2011 10:38:57 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
okay this has to be one of those things where you guys are making bad jokes and pretending like their funny to confuse the rest of us
ccstate4peat
Posts: 2,022
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5/30/2011 11:12:43 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 5/30/2011 10:38:57 PM, learn2love wrote:
okay this has to be one of those things where you guys are making bad jokes and pretending like their funny to confuse the rest of us

Some people think that this is actually really funny. I'll tell a really long anti joke occasionally, but that's funny because someone else with me is in on it and people's reactions when I finish are hilarious.
learn2love
Posts: 56
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5/30/2011 11:28:46 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 5/30/2011 11:12:43 PM, ccstate4peat wrote:
At 5/30/2011 10:38:57 PM, learn2love wrote:
okay this has to be one of those things where you guys are making bad jokes and pretending like their funny to confuse the rest of us

Some people think that this is actually really funny. I'll tell a really long anti joke occasionally, but that's funny because someone else with me is in on it and people's reactions when I finish are hilarious.

tell me a long one
ccstate4peat
Posts: 2,022
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5/30/2011 11:31:34 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 5/30/2011 11:28:46 PM, learn2love wrote:
At 5/30/2011 11:12:43 PM, ccstate4peat wrote:
At 5/30/2011 10:38:57 PM, learn2love wrote:
okay this has to be one of those things where you guys are making bad jokes and pretending like their funny to confuse the rest of us

Some people think that this is actually really funny. I'll tell a really long anti joke occasionally, but that's funny because someone else with me is in on it and people's reactions when I finish are hilarious.

tell me a long one

I typed one out here a while ago, gimme a minute to find it.
ccstate4peat
Posts: 2,022
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5/30/2011 11:35:12 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
Found it, it takes two posts though

So there's these two horses. One's the fastest filly ever, first to ever win the Kentucky Derby, to compare her to other horses is like comparing Michael Johnson to Nick Fairley, it's just pointless. The other horse is even faster than her, he's a couple years younger, so they never raced but he's so fast that he broke Secretariat's Belmont record, he's just absofuckinglutely ridiculously fast. He's easily the best horse to ever grace the planet. Anyway, the owners of these horses are like "Hey! Our horses should totally bone and make über horses!" so they did.

The mother had twins, let's call them Toby and Elias because those were their names. Right out of the womb these fine-äss horsies were trotting around like nobody's business. When they were still wee, they would run around in the pastures and they'd be so much faster than all the other horsies, like Maurice Green to Peyton Manning, these horses were by far the fastest on the farm.

One day, Toby goes up to Elias and asks if he wants to race. Elias agrees and as Toby runs off to the track, he goes and asks the owner's dog to come watch the race and tell them who wins. When they get to the track Elias starts chirping like his name is Ochocinco. He's all like "Hey Toby! I'm gonna beat you by 3 lengths! All the female horsies are gonna watch me kick your äss, and we'll party like we've never partied before!" Toby just bats this away, he's too humble for that garbage. He prefers to speak on the track. The dog barks to signal the start of the race and they shoot out of the gate. It's a dead heat around the first turn and no one can see who's winning as they run along the backstretch. They come around the final turn and the leader is still indistinguishable. They cross the line in what appears to be a dead heat. They go to the dog to see the winner. He points toward Toby and holds his little paws up only inches apart showing how little he won by.

Eventually, they get entered in a real race at the local track. No one knows anything about these horses, so they're not the favorites by any margin but they know what's up. They get into the gates and Elias starts the trash talk. He's all like "Hey Toby! I'm gonna beat you by 4 lengths! All the female horsies are gonna watch me kick your äss, and we're gonna party in the winner's circle and make some baby horsies!" Toby just bats this away, he's too humble for that garbage. He prefers to leave it on the track. They get out of the gates and immediately pull away from all the other horses. They're way out in the lead, but they're neck and neck around the first turn. This lead builds along the back stretch as they stay even. Around the last bend no one has an advantage as they make it to the final straightaway. They get to the line and no one knows who won, it's a photo finish. The picture comes up on the jumbotron and it shows that Toby won by the same margin as before!

A while later, they get entered into a big race at the local track. This race has the biggest purse in the track's history and Toby and Elias both plan on winning it. They get into the gates and Elias starts the trash talk. He's all like "Hey Toby! I'm gonna beat you by 5 lengths! All the female horsies are gonna watch me kick your äss, and we're gonna party in the winner's circle and make some baby horsies!" Toby just bats this away, he's too humble for that garbage. He prefers to talk with his legs on the track. They get out of the gates and dart away from all the other horses. They're quite a bit away from the other horses, but they're neck and neck around the first turn. Their lead is growing along the back stretch as they stay even. Around the last bend no one has an advantage as they make it to the final straightaway. They get to the line and no one knows who won, it's a photo finish! The picture comes up on the jumbotron and it shows that Toby has again stayed undefeated against his brother and takes the purse by the same exact margin as before.

Now they're 3 years old with plenty of races behind them all of which were won by Toby by the same photo finishing margin. They qualify for the Kentucky Derby and fully plan on winning it. They get into the gates and Elias starts the trash talk. He's all like "Hey Toby! I'm gonna beat you by 5 lengths! All the female horsies are gonna watch me kick your äss, and we're gonna party in the winner's circle and make some baby horsies!" Toby doesn't just bat this away as usual, he says "Hey, we're in the Kentucky Derby, the biggest race in the world. I'm just happy to be here, let's just do what we always do out there and go have some fun." Elias would usually continue in his cocky ways, but he realizes that Toby is right, they should really just appreciate that he made it all the way to the Derby and as My Old Kentucky Home finishes up, they're ready to race. They get out of the gates neck and neck as always, but the rest of the pack is already getting way ahead of them. They don't care about everyone else, they only want to beat each other. They make it to the backstretch at least 5 lengths behind everyone else, but they're in a dead heat and that's all that matters. As they get toward the final turn, they start to catch up to the peloton. They get to the final straight and they've almost caught the pack! They make they're way to the front with barely any more of the race to go! They cross the finish line in 1-2 position, but who won? It's a photo finish! Toby wins of course! By the same margin as every other race they've ever run, Toby wins the Kentucky Derby!

Coming fresh off of a Kentucky Derby victory, they go to the Preakness Stakes. They get into the gates and Elias starts the trash talk. He's all like "Hey Toby! I'm gonna beat you by 6 lengths! All the female horsies are gonna watch me kick your äss, and we're gonna party in the winner's circle and make some baby horsies!" Toby just bats this away, he's too humble for that garbage. He prefers to leave it on the track. They get out of the gates and immediately pull away from all the other horses. This isn't anything like the Derby, it's back to their usual shenanigans. They're way out in the lead, but they're neck and neck around the first turn. This lead builds along the back stretch as they stay even. Around the last bend no one has an advantage as they make it to the final straightaway. They get to the line and no one knows who won, it's a photo finish. The picture comes up on the jumbotron and it shows that Toby won by the same margin as before! He's captured the first two legs of the Triple Crown! He aims to be the first horse since his father to do so.

Now on to the Belmont. The last race of the Triple Crown and Elias wants nothing more than to get his first win ever at the final leg of the Triple Crown. They get into the gates and Elias starts the trash talk. He's all like "Hey Toby! I'm gonna beat you by 7 lengths! All the female horsies are gonna watch me kick your äss, and we're gonna party in the winner's circle and make some baby horsies!" Toby just bats this away, he's too humble for that garbage. He prefers to leave it on the track. Just like before, they get out of the gates and immediately get away from all the other horses. They're way out in the lead, but they're nose and nose around the first turn. No other horse can bridge this gap along the back stretch as they stay even. Around the last bend no one has an advantage as they make it to the final straightaway. They get to the line and no one knows who won, it's a photo finish. The picture comes up on the jumbotron and it shows that Toby won by the same margin as before! He's won the Triple Crown! The Holy Grail of Thoroughbred racing has been conquered by Toby while he gets every track record along the way!