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I'm writting a book

likeloli
Posts: 9
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1/17/2012 5:45:33 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Hello!
I have written a book. I'm still working on it. Could you please tell me my mistakes if there are any. I would be really grateful if you could read it. Thanks!
http://www.writerscafe.org...
nerdykiller
Posts: 856
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1/17/2012 8:57:15 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
WOW THAT is awesome
sorry I can't really help in correction, I can try...
Still that prologue was awesome
I am going to read some more.
DevonNetzley
Posts: 187
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1/24/2012 11:57:31 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
I really can't see anything wrong in it either. I too am writing a book but I am just too embarrassed to post it online, even though my friends say it's good. But yeah got any tips?
"If you truly want to do something, the only person standing in your way is yourself"
InsertNameHere
Posts: 15,699
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1/24/2012 3:40:29 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
I probably could write a book if I wasn't so crappy at coming up with plots. I have interesting settings and characters, but they're nothing without a good plot.
DevonNetzley
Posts: 187
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1/25/2012 8:05:11 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 1/24/2012 3:40:29 PM, InsertNameHere wrote:
I probably could write a book if I wasn't so crappy at coming up with plots. I have interesting settings and characters, but they're nothing without a good plot.

Well do you have a good imagination?
"If you truly want to do something, the only person standing in your way is yourself"
InsertNameHere
Posts: 15,699
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1/25/2012 12:56:28 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 1/25/2012 8:05:11 AM, DevonNetzley wrote:
At 1/24/2012 3:40:29 PM, InsertNameHere wrote:
I probably could write a book if I wasn't so crappy at coming up with plots. I have interesting settings and characters, but they're nothing without a good plot.

Well do you have a good imagination?

Yea, but not when it comes to plots apparently. All mine tend to be incredibly cliche.
Buckethead31594
Posts: 363
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1/25/2012 2:03:16 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Looks good so far, but if you want a good online writing source, go to fastpencil.com; you can write books easily online, and have them published in no time. Check it out, I'm halfway through one already.
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates
likeloli
Posts: 9
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1/25/2012 2:41:25 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 1/24/2012 11:57:31 AM, DevonNetzley wrote:
I really can't see anything wrong in it either. I too am writing a book but I am just too embarrassed to post it online, even though my friends say it's good. But yeah got any tips?

If your friends think it's good, than it's good. You know I would love to read your book if you post it online on writerscafe. :)
DetectableNinja
Posts: 6,043
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1/25/2012 5:29:34 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
I'm on the Cafe too. In fact, my profile there is linked on my DDO profile. I mainly write poetry and short stories, but I do write plays and novels, too.

Sadly though, the Cafe really sucks in the way of reviews. They're usually all very short and not useful.
Think'st thou heaven is such a glorious thing?
I tell thee, 'tis not half so fair as thou
Or any man that breathes on earth.

- Christopher Marlowe, Doctor Faustus
kyro90
Posts: 4,400
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1/25/2012 5:33:56 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Nice job on it so far, I too am writing a book but its no way as good as yours...
Allow me to give you my card....
Oh you cant read? Pitty. It says,
You are now holding the card of the Awesome-Steller-Second-to-none-hot-cool-funny-incredible-magical-beautious-cuddly-warm-kitty-kat-like Secretary
likeloli
Posts: 9
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1/25/2012 5:37:50 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 1/25/2012 5:29:34 PM, DetectableNinja wrote:
I'm on the Cafe too. In fact, my profile there is linked on my DDO profile. I mainly write poetry and short stories, but I do write plays and novels, too.

Sadly though, the Cafe really sucks in the way of reviews. They're usually all very short and not useful.

well, i know some people that give critic, but long reviews. BTW what is your name there, you can tell me if you want to.
DetectableNinja
Posts: 6,043
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1/25/2012 7:39:42 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 1/25/2012 5:37:50 PM, likeloli wrote:
At 1/25/2012 5:29:34 PM, DetectableNinja wrote:
I'm on the Cafe too. In fact, my profile there is linked on my DDO profile. I mainly write poetry and short stories, but I do write plays and novels, too.

Sadly though, the Cafe really sucks in the way of reviews. They're usually all very short and not useful.

well, i know some people that give critic, but long reviews. BTW what is your name there, you can tell me if you want to.

My name on there is "Weston R," which is my name in real life.
Think'st thou heaven is such a glorious thing?
I tell thee, 'tis not half so fair as thou
Or any man that breathes on earth.

- Christopher Marlowe, Doctor Faustus
Thaddeus
Posts: 6,985
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1/26/2012 9:05:28 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 1/26/2012 6:31:26 AM, likeloli wrote:
I don't know. Maybe?

Its probably better to hear it.

I'll start with the tagline;
"Violet is the most powerful, coldest and most beautiful wizard in the school."
Anyone can see before they even begin that you commit one of the cardinal sins in character creation; a full on Mary-Sue.
(http://tvtropes.org...)

Her name is Violet, she is the most powerful (twofer here - magic powers and the best with them), most beautiful (Oh dear lord), and coldest (a flaw which can be perceived as cool. How awful). In addition the setting is a school for wizards. Not saying the setting can't ever be done again, but you have to be really good to try, otherwise it will seem a lot worse than had it been considered on its own.
Also given that your handle on that site is Icegirl (what with the coldest bit), the character seems somewhat of an author insert.
Not off to a flying start.

Then the short description;
"New student comes to class. Drake has a dark secret that he didn't tell anybody."
His name is Drake f-ing Lavender. He has a dark f-ing secret. We can't tell yet, but he's probably going to be a Marty Stu (and given what can be gathered from the tagline inevitably falls in love with Violet (probably at first sight too) , and she at first acts cold and aloof, because she is far too cool though his tortured past comes to light and for some bizarre reason this actually means she does fall in love with him)

"Violet's first love comes to school, too. He wants her to come with him. He says that she doesn't know her destiny and if she won't go with him, terrible things will happen to everybody around her."
You have to be kidding me; she has a destiny now too? This is cliche'ed out the wazoo. I am bearing in mind this is a plot summary however, and the actual thing may be more nuanced. (Also "her first love" - this could go badly in several ways, particularly if it is a love triangle where Violet has to make a difficult decision about whom to choose and how awful it is that two people love her)

"But he doesn't know that he has another competitor for Violet's love, other than Kai and Will."
Oh f**k. Everyone loves her? Pro-tip, two love interests can create an interesting dynamic. If everyone who she meets has a crush on her, it seems like wish fulfilment for the author.

"What choice will she make, before it's too late? Who will she choose?"
So I was right and I haven't even begun reading it. Please note, this doesn't mean that I believe your piece will be bad, but it is a bad sign if it is really, really, really predictable.

Onto the prologue.
Bad things to note here;
One, it is a dream. Not radiating originality exactly. Dialogue is fairly stilted and uninteresting.
Secondly, her moral event horizon is not that guy dumps her, rejects her horribly, but that he says he isn't ready for a relationship yet, but indicates he might be available in the future. This apparently breaks her heart and makes her dead inside. How emotionally fragile is she? She sounds like the sort of person whom if you say "What-up dawg?" would cry because you called her "dawg". God forbid if she didn't get an ipad for her Birthday.
Thirdly dialogue is fairly stilted and uninteresting.

Next chapter; (and this is all I read up to. I couldn't really take much more)
Grammar goes to hell in this chapter.

"I remembered again my broken heart dream and that I Changed."
(changing may be something other to do with clothes in this, in which this is just poor writing. E.g I remembered my naked at school dream and that I drank blood. It just seems bizarre to introduce it in this way)

"I realized that I was still in our classroom moreover class was still going."
Punctuation and lack of conjunction

"I was surprised by his appearance, but I got out of that fast."
I'm giving up commenting what is wrong here.

"He always had blank moreover dangerous face"
"Then someone got up moreover started clapping"
" He got out of his fear to me and said"
"Then I smiled sweet, although dangerous smile"
"Mr. Oderan had a surprise look"
" but most of them were with happy, still dangerous face." (WTF?)
"he always had happy and carefree face."
" She has unlimited power and she is the only one that civilized."
"Result is my books flew in front of me"
"In my point of view, it was beautiful."
"Only after that thought I realized that there was deafening silence. "
"He got same hair and same eye colour as mine, I thought."
"We didn't have roommates, so each person would have only key."

I got bored of looking around here. It is a testament to how bad your plot is, that I thought it worse than your writing style and grammar.
I was right about everyone loving Violet, but I didn't know how right I was. People practically worship her because she is the chosen one, yet she acts like a psychopathic bitch! I don't how villainous you are going to make the bad guys, but they would have to be seriously evil for us not to root for them. She openly assaulted a teacher who had the gall to tell her not to be racist. And everyone cheered her for it. Her thoughts indicate a massive superiority complex, and general disdain for others. She is one of the most unlikable protagonists I have had the misfortune of reading about. The Harry Potter plagiarism becomes even more evident with elements such as a forbidden forest being introduced.
There are many more elements to criticise, but it isn't really worth doing so. I am not in the habit of reading fiction of the internet, though have done on occasion, but I am aware of the generally low level of quality of such fiction. Even by those standards what you have written is quite poor.

It is admirable to want to start writing. It improves the mind and is quite entertaining. However, you did ask for feedback and I have provided my honest opinion.
likeloli
Posts: 9
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1/26/2012 11:25:05 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 1/26/2012 9:05:28 AM, Thaddeus wrote:
At 1/26/2012 6:31:26 AM, likeloli wrote:
I don't know. Maybe?

Its probably better to hear it.

I'll start with the tagline;
"Violet is the most powerful, coldest and most beautiful wizard in the school."
Anyone can see before they even begin that you commit one of the cardinal sins in character creation; a full on Mary-Sue.
(http://tvtropes.org...)

Her name is Violet, she is the most powerful (twofer here - magic powers and the best with them), most beautiful (Oh dear lord), and coldest (a flaw which can be perceived as cool. How awful). In addition the setting is a school for wizards. Not saying the setting can't ever be done again, but you have to be really good to try, otherwise it will seem a lot worse than had it been considered on its own.
Also given that your handle on that site is Icegirl (what with the coldest bit), the character seems somewhat of an author insert.
Not off to a flying start.

Then the short description;
"New student comes to class. Drake has a dark secret that he didn't tell anybody."
His name is Drake f-ing Lavender. He has a dark f-ing secret. We can't tell yet, but he's probably going to be a Marty Stu (and given what can be gathered from the tagline inevitably falls in love with Violet (probably at first sight too) , and she at first acts cold and aloof, because she is far too cool though his tortured past comes to light and for some bizarre reason this actually means she does fall in love with him)

"Violet's first love comes to school, too. He wants her to come with him. He says that she doesn't know her destiny and if she won't go with him, terrible things will happen to everybody around her."
You have to be kidding me; she has a destiny now too? This is cliche'ed out the wazoo. I am bearing in mind this is a plot summary however, and the actual thing may be more nuanced. (Also "her first love" - this could go badly in several ways, particularly if it is a love triangle where Violet has to make a difficult decision about whom to choose and how awful it is that two people love her)

"But he doesn't know that he has another competitor for Violet's love, other than Kai and Will."
Oh f**k. Everyone loves her? Pro-tip, two love interests can create an interesting dynamic. If everyone who she meets has a crush on her, it seems like wish fulfilment for the author.

"What choice will she make, before it's too late? Who will she choose?"
So I was right and I haven't even begun reading it. Please note, this doesn't mean that I believe your piece will be bad, but it is a bad sign if it is really, really, really predictable.

Onto the prologue.
Bad things to note here;
One, it is a dream. Not radiating originality exactly. Dialogue is fairly stilted and uninteresting.
Secondly, her moral event horizon is not that guy dumps her, rejects her horribly, but that he says he isn't ready for a relationship yet, but indicates he might be available in the future. This apparently breaks her heart and makes her dead inside. How emotionally fragile is she? She sounds like the sort of person whom if you say "What-up dawg?" would cry because you called her "dawg". God forbid if she didn't get an ipad for her Birthday.
Thirdly dialogue is fairly stilted and uninteresting.

Next chapter; (and this is all I read up to. I couldn't really take much more)
Grammar goes to hell in this chapter.

"I remembered again my broken heart dream and that I Changed."
(changing may be something other to do with clothes in this, in which this is just poor writing. E.g I remembered my naked at school dream and that I drank blood. It just seems bizarre to introduce it in this way)

"I realized that I was still in our classroom moreover class was still going."
Punctuation and lack of conjunction

"I was surprised by his appearance, but I got out of that fast."
I'm giving up commenting what is wrong here.

"He always had blank moreover dangerous face"
"Then someone got up moreover started clapping"
" He got out of his fear to me and said"
"Then I smiled sweet, although dangerous smile"
"Mr. Oderan had a surprise look"
" but most of them were with happy, still dangerous face." (WTF?)
"he always had happy and carefree face."
" She has unlimited power and she is the only one that civilized."
"Result is my books flew in front of me"
"In my point of view, it was beautiful."
"Only after that thought I realized that there was deafening silence. "
"He got same hair and same eye colour as mine, I thought."
"We didn't have roommates, so each person would have only key."

I got bored of looking around here. It is a testament to how bad your plot is, that I thought it worse than your writing style and grammar.
I was right about everyone loving Violet, but I didn't know how right I was. People practically worship her because she is the chosen one, yet she acts like a psychopathic bitch! I don't how villainous you are going to make the bad guys, but they would have to be seriously evil for us not to root for them. She openly assaulted a teacher who had the gall to tell her not to be racist. And everyone cheered her for it. Her thoughts indicate a massive superiority complex, and general disdain for others. She is one of the most unlikable protagonists I have had the misfortune of reading about. The Harry Potter plagiarism becomes even more evident with elements such as a forbidden forest being introduced.
There are many more elements to criticise, but it isn't really worth doing so. I am not in the habit of reading fiction of the internet, though have done on occasion, but I am aware of the generally low level of quality of such fiction. Even by those standards what you have written is quite poor.

It is admirable to want to start writing. It improves the mind and is quite entertaining. However, you did ask for feedback and I have provided my honest opinion.

thank you for your honest reply. i was a little bit hurt, but i'll try (in the future) to upgrade it. still, i'm only a beginner and i don't know english or grammar. well, still thank you.