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My life and wife's story

PervRat
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10/1/2009 7:25:05 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
A bit of a foreword - I've talked a bit about my wife and I know some of my long-time friends on DDO have been waiting for that much talked-about plan to write the novel. Haven't gotten around to it, just effing lazy I'm afraid.

I have however joined another forum, one -- no insult -- that is more adult. I dunno what it is, but DDO is more laden with teenagers than any place else I've been, I felt more comfortable airing my life story there, I guess, but have decided since I was here first and made some promises that I'd post it here. Its so long, its going to take me several posts just to copy and paste it out thanks to the 8k char buffer.

I being the crazy rat that I am wrote the whole darn thing as something of a joke response to a question posed by a new user in a long list of trying-to-fish-for-thoughts. That's what the first "Is it better to have loved ..." line is -- that was his question. The rest was the answer I wrote, so its kinda written to him, but the whole story is there and I feel too lazy to edit it to be not so poking-in-jest at him and instead more "This is my story." I think you guys can catch on, teenagers or not, most of you seem to be smart cookies.

I do need to forewarn you though, this is really ugly and heavy stuff. For those of you that I am a total stranger to and don't know what I'm talking to, I'm a double widower. I lost a wife in 2006, and she did not have much of a life. She has suffered rape both as a little girl and by someone I once called a friend of mine. She died, a lover I had before her died, and well I'm a bisexual so I do, yeah, mention a lot of relationships I had with guys that did not end well, and the very first who also died (he died, my wife died ... that makes me a double widower). Anyway its very dark, I myself was very weak at points and on the verge of doing some very disturbing things, so ... if you're at all squeamish, don't read it ... otherwise feel free. Yes, I am willing to answer questions. Anyway, here goes ...

[quote]Is it really better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all?[/quote]

Dammit, can't answer anything snide or clever here. Okay, no poker face, here's my poker hand here:
King of Widower
Jack of Bitter Breakup
Queen of Widower
King of Bitter Breakup
King of Bitter Breakup

You're probably scratching your head and wondering what I'm on, its gotta be stronger than your pot.

I'm high on drama. Jerry Springer's head would explode at my life. Double-widower, thrice-pseudo-divorcee. I've got the full house.

Add to that, that I never dated in highschool. I found my classmates who had one fling one week, another fling the next to be shallow. I couldn't really see myself like that. In fact, I couldn't really see myself in any relationship. I didn't think I was even capable of feeling love ... and then ... I met him. HIM? You thought I was a male rat? Aww, crap, I'm one of those queerz! So that must be the "King."

Okay, some of this drug haze is starting to come together. If you're feeling uncomfortable with the rat's insanity already, though, you may want to tuck tail and return to the other forum. I'm just warming up! :P

Ah but fate wasn't kind. After struggling for years between being a good Christian boy and having feelingz for a boi, in a relationship that blossomed wide and deep over five years. It was only the last eight or so months of this relationship in 1997 that our queer perveted rat boy had come out of the closet to himself and accepted that he was, yes, deeply in love with another guy. For the very first time in his life, this queer perv rat was not only in love with someone else, but had finally learned to love himself. The sky seemed sunny and bright, the days cheery ... for the twenty years of his life previous to that, this freaky rodent had suffered depression, never really able to grow a love for himself on his own. Only when he realized his love for someone else was as valid as any man's love for his wife was he able to really smile and enjoy life.

Ah, but fate isn't kind to perverted queer rat boys. In August of 1997, this perverted rat's boyfriend was struck by a car while he was walking along a road. The rat was forever traumatized, he saw the actual impact and his lover's body fly through the air like a ragdoll. He survived the impact but was knocked into a coma. He clung on for 3 weeks, the perverted queer rat boy at his side. The rat's parents and the other boy's parents thought the two were best friends ... but they didn't know they were lovers, and the rat boy never fessed up to that. The rat boy cried throughout this time, holding onto his lover's hand ... but it was not to be. The boy passed away while in that coma, and the happy days were gone forever for our poor pathetic drama queen perverted rat boy.

Having never been through anything like that, having never even conceived he could feel that way for anyone, the rat boy couldn't even tell what he felt after his lover finally passed on. He felt both numb and chaotically flung about emotionally at the same time. The very same week the other boy had finally passed, our rat boy received some very strange e-mails from a guy who had been a sort of online mentor for himself ... a guy who had never before been with another guy, had never had feelings but was friendly to gays. But this guy, over this time, had grown feelings for our queer rat boy ... and for whatever reason on the timing, the very same week the rat boy's boyfriend had passed away, his mentor had propositioned him. Not just a "Hi, I like you, wanna date?" ... no, nothing that simple. See, this guy had been struggling with his feelings for this rat boy for a number of months, it seems, but as much as he professed to like gays, couldn't really bring himself to consider it, yet it had been gnawing at it. He had given no hint, until he had finally broken down and drunk himself into a stupor enough to break that inhibition and send a series of three very long and emotional e-mails to our little rat boy.

The last of these e-mails had actually been a plead for our rat boy to tell this mentor-turned-secret-admirer to tell him NO, that he didn't want a relationship, to forget the whole thing because he was too afraid of himself.
PervRat
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10/1/2009 7:25:38 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
Take one down-in-the-dumps rat because his boyfriend had just been killed by a car, and throw in the rat's mentor pining and crying over his feelings for the rat and ... well ... our little rat boy was a little mixed up. He didn't know what to think. He didn't know what he felt. He was 21, but couldn't make snouts or rat-tails of anything at all. He felt guilty because he couldn't give an answer. He asked the guy to wait until he could sort out his feelings. The days went by. Everything had changed. The eight months of being depressed had oddly seemed rife with good luck for the rat boi, landing his first "real" job and everything ... but in the wake of his lover's death, this pathetic little rat's luck had changed along with his mood. He got laid off. Nothing made sense. He finally, frustrated at not being able to tell one way or another, flung himself at this other guy and said yes, he would be his lover. He moved out of his parents and drove halfway across the fricking continent to Texas to move in with him; this other guy was 34 to our ratboy's 21 and had the promise of a job waiting for our ratboi. That didn't happen, of course ... and a lot of other things didn't come true, but at the beginning it didn't matter. Our ratboi's sorrows and concerns and obsessions and crazy thoughts melted away in the arms of this new lover, about two months after his last boyfriend had passed.

It started very hot and passionate, but that faded slowly. That job never came through. Ratboi, in a strange city and for the first time not living with mom and dad, locked himself in his boyfriend's apartment, not knowing his way around or anything. He eventually started looking for a job, but floundered around. His new boyfriend's roommate was not aware of the relationship and so even in that apartment they tried to keep it a secret. This other roommate started having fights over the ratboy staying there without paying rent or bills (of course our ratboy didn't, as he didn't have a job as mentioned, see?!). Things came to ahead and the ratboy's second lover decided they'd move out to a house he owned a couple hours north of town ... well golly gee, he owns a house, fancy that! The reason the guy hadn't been living in his house he owned was it was too far to commute, so that house had been abandoned for month and had no electricity, etc. So ratboy and the guy roughed it there, eventually got the utilities turned on. Ratboy was tasked with finding another place to stay, back in town down in Houston.

Anyhoo, this went on. Eventually a lady entered the picture, 24. As I think I had mentioned, ratboy's new lover had never before been in a gay marriage ... he had, however, been with quite a few women and enjoyed a number of encounters with a woman who was with another woman at the same time. Woohoo! Anyhoo, enter this new lady that ratboy's new boyfriend had found on the Internet. She was tall, skinny, shapely ... and shortly after getting a new house to rent in Houston, she moved in with ratboy and his boyfriend. They had a new threesome, two guys and a gal, woohoo!

I'm sorry, did you just lose your oatmeal? Sorry, I'll try to keep the nasty rat sex details to a minimum.

She was for "him" -- for ratboy's boyfriend -- as her main squeeze. That was the plan. If you've ever been in a relationship, however, you know hearts hate plans, they hate rationality, they hate thought ... they kinda do their own thing, the confederate to the union brain! (did I just match politics and sex? ... Oh gawd, save yourself, leave now and go back!) It seems the lady started taking to the -ratboi- more than the other guy! Not so much sexually ... the other guy had ten times the libido of either ratboy or the lady, but ... given the lady and ratboy were both jobless bums, they had a lot of time at home to spend together. They went for walks, they took care of their mutual boyfriend's dog, they had long talks.

Now a bit of an aside ... this is supposed to be all the filthy details you never want to hear about a perveted bisexual rat boy's sex life, but the lady needs a bit of an introduction. She gradually told ratboy some of the details of her life ... she was born to a very conservative Christian family, her father was (and still is) a priest in a small church about an hour or so northwest of Houston, kinda out in the boonies ... not the most rural of all of Texas, but fairly rural. A community of maybe one or two thousand people, so not very huge. When she was eight, the lady's maternal grandmother became gravely ill, and her mother left for several months to tend to her ailing mother (the grandmother). Her father had never been so long without his wife and began to act ... odd.

Well, there's only so many ways you can imagine a ... going in describing a father's odd feelings for his daughter, so I'll spare the nasty details but ... yeah, he got the nasty with his daughter. It didn't stop when his wife got back, he kept doing it ... for four more years. At the dawn of womanhood -- 12 years old -- puberty caught up with this priest's love for his daughter, and she got pregnant. At this point it was inescapable that her mother knew, but ... didn't really comment or react. There were a couple shouting fits and tearings, but the mother wouldn't take her daughter and leave, wouldn't even report her pedophilic husband to the cops. Nope, that just "wasn't good for the family."

Okay, if you are like ... WTF? Throw that f----- in mother----ing prison and while you're at it chop his f----- ----s off along with his -----! Good, you're with me then!

Being the ultra conservatives, they decided against abortion.

(... leaving pause for more appropriate WTF curses ...)

So this lady who would a dozen years later move in with two bi boiz carried to term and gave birth to her own father's child. Maybe to your relief, that baby was spared her father/grandfather's ----ness by being put up for adoption, all quietlike. There isn't really much to say about the intervening years from that birth to when she moved in with the rat and his boyfriend, the father at least finally decided boffing his daughter was maybe not a good thing to be doing and so never did again. The family was quiet and businesslike toward one another like that. When she turned 18, the daughter moved out and did some ... crazy things. Gave up Christianity entirely, declared herself atheist, gave chicks a try, all sorts of fun things, never really getting in any long-term relationship, until she met our little ratboy.

Ratboy really hadn't been through abuse like that ... sure he was moody and broody in the wake of his boyfriend's death, but our ratboy had loving parents, if a bit homophobic. Anyhoo, Ratboy came to think of this lady as a good friend over time, but couldn't really recognize a returned feeling of love.

Things between ratboy and the other guy, unfortunately, began to rapidly cool from hot and passionate to mere cohabitants and "ooh, I don't want to touch you right now" from the other guy to ratboy. Ratboy fell in with a couple boozing oil tycoons and found a "dot com" job -- we're into 1998 now -- but that didn't last (I wrote that story on another thread somewhere recently ...).
mongoose
Posts: 3,500
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10/1/2009 7:27:46 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
Why are you doing this?
It is odd when one's capacity for compassion is measured not in what he is willing to do by his own time, effort, and property, but what he will force others to do with their own property instead.
PervRat
Posts: 963
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10/1/2009 7:29:00 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
During that short-lived dot-com fandangle, the older guy decided they needed an extra hand around the house, as ratboy, himself and the lady spent nearly every waking hour tending to a ... *ahem* ... internet server they ran out of their house. Ratboy knew of someone ... and ... well, that's an even longer story by itself. Turned out this guy, that Ratboy knew only online but thought of as a close friend, was the same sort of scum that the lady's father had been. She may have been an adult by then, but this effing sicko raped her while ratboy and the older guy were both at work. Makes for a good drama story, no? Thank god nobody ever effing goes through this $#!t in real life, you gotta believe this lady and what was done to her never actually did ... ratboy for the first time in his life summoned some balls. Not enough to go to the cops, as she hadn't with her father, she wouldn't report what this guy did to the cops either, but at least ratboy kicked the effing sicko out, bought him a one-way Greyhound ticket and made effing sure he got on the bus. Anyway, it wasn't long after that the dot-com went bust.

He tried a couple labor jobs, but just couldn't stay employeed. The job promised by his boyfriend that was waiting for him when Ratboy had first moved in finally showed up a good 6 months after Ratboy had moved in (and 4-ish months after the lady had). It paid a decent wage, $16/hour, more than anything ratboy had made before with the exception of the salary from that quickly-busted dot-com. Three weeks later, a fun shenanigans party at his and his boyfriend's place of employment, combined with his boyfriend's hatred of authority, resulted in ratboy's boyfriend skirting new corporate policy that slammed needed network administrative controls out of anyone from the office that were needed to setup new employee accounts on the network, etc. He was "officially unofficially" asked by his boss to ... well ... hack the corporate WAN to get the network admin passwords so they could go back to doing their jobs. Someone in the office blabbed, though, and ratboy's boyfriend got $#!tcanned ... and purely for "guilt by association" -- official phrase used by the manager -- ratboy was canned too, even though ratboy had nothing to do with any of it; ratboy had been pure hardware service, imaging new workstations and physically installing them in cubicles for new employees. It seems it didn't take long for rumors to fly that ratboy and the other guy were, truly, lovers ... blech, this is motherfrickin' Texas, they don't take kindly to that type around there!

So out they all were. Ratboy, his boyfriend and the lady had to move back up to the boyfriend's house. Things were not good at all ... now none of them had income. They each struggled, but only the older guy had any credentials -- though they were all forged fake certificates and degrees, at least that had to that point netting him real experience. One month, two months, three months, four ... no job, no income ... the job they had worked was just a "contractor" job -- that's a fancy elite temp job, so they didn't pay employment insurance and weren't entitled to unemployment. Hacker boyfriend wired around the electric box and took to creatively acquiring things to get by.

Ratboy still hadn't figured out his own feelings for the lady. Eventually the older guy managed to get a job offer, but things had gotten so tight moneywise, despite really roughing it with nothing but Ramen for food for months on end, that the older guy just couldn't afford the gas from his house to the job until he could get his first paycheck, so the older guy took off, leaving Ratboy and the lady more or less stranded with no transpo of their own and ten miles from the nearest store. They had food stock, that wasn't the issue ... but they were stranded in an unfriendly redneck neighbor. The older guy had left a gun with them to keep that redneck in check because, yeah, things were that ugly.

Woohoo! This is like some freaky Brokeback Mountain love story only even more twisted and perverse!

Anyhoo, the last of Ratboy's soul had collapsed. Things had gotten tense and his relationship with the older guy had devolved into the older guy yelling at the ratboy what a loser he was and a mooch and that the older guy hoped our pathetic little ratboy would just die. Ratboy was stuck, though, no money to leave or go anywhere. There wasn't even a homeless shelter for 40 miles around.

Feeling worthless and alone, ratboy took care of that ladyfriend who was starting to feel ill and not doing well herself, either. He started to plan out a suicide, he didn't want the lady to hear or see it and he didn't want her to be absolutely alone for too long, so he actually planned it out to the hour and the day when he'd do it, just hours before the older guy would finally come back home after getting his paycheck and being okay with gas.

Ratboy's pathetic whiny self got caught in his plotting, and between the lady and another friend of ratboy's on the Internet his ladyfriend had gotten ahold of to talk Ratboy down, Ratboy was talked down out of it. Shaking and crying, he promised he'd turn himself in to a mental health center ...

Oh, yes, ratboy is certified effing crazy! You thought it was just fun calling himself crazy but he wasn't actually? Oh no, he actually is!

Life went on. Not well, but it did. The older guy decided to bring in some fresh meat, a third guy about ratboy's age but not having ratboy's emo problems, or at least not the same. It took very little time, however, for the new guy to get on both ratboy and the older guy's nerves. You know guys who won't stop hitting on a woman when she says no? This guy was the same, only with them. Thankfully he was pure gay and didn't much bother the lady, but both ratboy and his older becoming-former-boyfriend got a tiny taste of what their ladyfriend had been through from this guy.

The anxiety finally snapped the last tendrils of Ratboy and the older guy's relationship, he officially declared their relationship over in front of the new guy. Ratboy figured he was trying to throw the new guy at Ratboy so the older guy wouldn't have to put up with the new guys' advances anymore, but ... Ratboy wasn't thrilled with the new guy either. He wouldn't stop, and since Ratboy had no job to go to, Ratboy went bat-s#!t crazy with all day, every day, over and over hit-ons for teh mansex.

After the older guy had declared the relationship over (are you vomiting from all this gay drama crap yet?), our pathetic ratboy became despondent again. He didn't really think much about taking his life this time, but he just gave up caring about anything. Crying, sobbing, not caring about anything, he let this new guy do what he wanted ... he didn't say yes, he just stopped saying no. Ratboy discovered firsthand what rape victims talk about with the mud-on-skin feeling that won't go away no matter how many times you shower.

Things continued going on crazily. Ratboy found a couple temp jobs but nowhere near enough to pay his share, and the older guy made sure he knew it. The new guy had money from his parents but didn't work either. The lady ... she was really digging ratboy by then, always holding him, never tired of going for walks with him. Ratboy still didn't realize what she meant to him, though, but he knew she really liked him and that was one of the few tickles he got ... one person in the effing world liked him!
PervRat
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10/1/2009 7:29:34 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
Three guys wasn't enough, so the older guy again decided to bring someone in ... four guys! Unlike the previous one, Ratboy felt love-at-first-sight with the new guy who had just had a bitter breakup and was sad and mopey. I guess ratboy just likes being emo crying, and likes other emo crying types like the lady and this new guy ... anyway, this had been two months after the "Relationship over!" official stamp from the older guy. Ratboy had never been close to cheating on his older boyfriend when they were a couple ... in fact that raping cretin from earlier in the year had hit on Ratboy and Ratboy was like ... no, eww, I'm in love with one guy and one guy only!

How much vomit can you chuck from all this gay drama?

Anyhoo, guy #4 living in the house and Ratboy fell for him ... and yah they had teh mansex the new guy's first night.

Older guy went off the deep end. He'd been angry and yelling before, but this time he seriously threatened to kill ratboy ... how dare he cheat on him in his own house, ratboy had betrayed him ... bad bad bad ratboy!

Hmm ... two months after he dumped ratboy, older guy accuses ratboy of cheating. Make sense to you?

That was finally too much for ratboy. He just wanted to get out, clear his head. Whatever rationality might tell you, he felt very guilty for making the older guy so upset. He felt in his heart he knew the older guy still had feelings for him, even after having declared the relationship over, and felt guilty and hating himself for having done it. Jeez, isn't rat boy pathetic?

Anyhoo, he finally reached out for the first time since he had moved out to his parents. By this time, cowardly in a long letter from half a continent away, Ratboy had finally come out of the closet to his parents ... it took them awhile, but they ... dealt with it. Not smoothly, but they deatl with it. Anyway this was Ratboy's first time to see them after having moved out ... it would only be temporary, to visit them over the 1998 holidays. Ratboy was hoping to clear his head for a bit and figure things out, then return and do something.

His parents bought him round trip greyhound, woohoo! Four day bus trip to his folks, five day return trip later on coming back.

Ratboy couldn't settle his feelings for the older guy. One thing did become very clear to him, however, and it struck him completely unexpectedly the very fricking hour he left: he was madly, deeply and truly in love with that lady.

She had some scary moments with some kind of mini-heart attack just a few days after Ratboy had left, and Ratboy was out of his mind worrying half a continent away from her.

err ... I guess I've typed in this little question long enough, so I'll try to quicken the pace. Ratboy returned, and he and the lady became a couple. Eventually they applied for and got a common law marriage -- a common law marriage is one that doesn't need families or witnesses or any of that crap, its a sort of "default marriage" you qualify for if you live with someone long for, you just gotta apply.

And so our ratboy was married. As had been with that first guy when he was a teenager, it was a relationship that had started as a friendship, long walks, quiet moments, and gradually their feelings grew deeper and more entwined over time.

Time marched on, Ratboy and his wife finally had enough of living with the older guy. They were still too destitute and couldn't get a place together, so they decided to geographically part, go to their respective families and try to get themselves on their respective feet. The lady didn't go back to her rapist father, of course, she went to her mother's extended family in Oklahoma while ratboy went crawling back to his folks in Washington.

Being financially independent was never realized for either ratboy or the lady. They each missed each other terribly, their long quiet walks, just holding each other. They talked about lots of things over phone calls and mostly written letters since neither liked the phone. Her relatives were not too crazy about ratboy, but they knew she loved him ... he had to get grudging permission to visit them a couple times, they really didn't like him ... he was street trash poor, they weren't wealthy but they had a place with a picket fence and ratboy just didn't aspire to be anything better in their eyes as evidenced by the fact he never really dusted himself off and got back in the rat-race.

I can't really tell you the big reasons why, rat boy just doesn't know why he couldn't. He had become quite the pessimist and hater of corporations and whatnot. He and his wife would get back together again briefly on some petty jobs that wouldn't last, had to part again and try again, came back together, apart again. Neither shaked their feelings for each other, but they just couldn't get their $#!t together to actually have a place together. Ratboy got in a simultaneous relationship with another boy (actually it was the fourth guy back in the older boyfriend's house, who had left that place before Ratboy and his ladyfriend). It was all knowing and consentual, but eventually that guy felt jealous of ratboy's feelings for the lady ... he didn't himself have feelings for her, but felt ratboy was spending more time with her than him ... ratboy didn't agree with that, and thought it was silly especially given ratboy had a low libido, the other guy had a high one and knowing that differential, ratboy had given him green light to fling about so long as he promised to keep himself clean and safe. During this falling out drama, rat boy suffered some kind of blackout -- that was in the spring of 2000. Since ratboy had no money and no insurance, he wasn't taken to a hospital, but a nurse friend who actually saw what happened said she thought it was a TIA -- transient ischemic attack -- a mini-stroke. Ratboy lost most of his marbles, and especially for 2-3 years afterword but still lingering to a bit to this day, judges his judgement and decisionmaking to be impaired. No official diagnosis was ever made, even when ratboy finally got in on a couple differnet transient care programs. They did determine there was no permanent brain damage, and ratboy was officially diagnosed with migraine, depression and anxiety ... but never really got regular treatment for any of this as he mooched off one friend, overstayed his welcome and onto the next couch.

Eww, more gay ick!

It was too much for the other guy though, and ratboy and his wife had to part again in 2002 after overstaying their welcome at a mutual friend's. It had been such a repeated yoyo, you'd think ratboy and the lady would be used to it by then but no. Ratboy was so heart-wrenched at the depart he became physically ill for weeks. He got wooed by a third guy, one who like that older one before had never been with a guy before ... in fact this guy had never had any interest in anything but a chick. He was rather fond of the lady too, but could only afford to have Ratboy with him and so Ratboy found one more couch, but still couldn't get his wife with him. He struggled, managed to find a few jobs, but he kept getting laid off. In desperation, even being the whimpy whino queer weakling who couldn't win a wrestling match with a 5-year old, in sheer desperation he took a job doing fricking farm labor of all things while he was with this new older guy.
PervRat
Posts: 963
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10/1/2009 7:29:58 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
It just about killed him ... for anyone who never does farm labor, it is absolutely insane. No exaggeration, the days start before dawn and finish around midnight ... 7 days/week during harvest. No weekends, 90+ hour weeks week after week. Only them evil illegal get away with stealing money for doing such easy work! Ratboi technically wasn't regular labor, he was QA, but it was still very physical ... take 20-100 lb samples of potatoes quickly and frequently, sometimes out in the field, sometimes on the processing floor ... on the processing floor he'd have to take 100 lb barrels of potatoes up a fricking flight of stairs (elevator? wheeled cart? hellz no, this is workin' country, boy ... use your muscle!) to the lab, peel them and run biochemical analysis on them to determine their sucrose, dextrose, etc. content to make sure the taters were peachy-keen okay with client requiremenst for french fries, potato chips, etc.

Rat boy had worked 70+ hour weeks before in call centers, but this was different. He could barely move upon getting home, and the new boyfriend was upset and blabbed to his friends he hated Ratboy's new job and wished Ratboy would quit.

Ratboy got one easy 10-hour day once, finally had a little time to spend on the net and one of their mutual friends mentioned that to him ... the new boyfriend hadn't told Ratboy that he wished ratboy to quit. This new boyfriend, see, was disabled with failing kidneys and was home all day ... because our pathetic little ratboy's brain had frazzled years before, ratboy had considered himself in no condition to drive (ratboy's brain had been really screwing up more and more in the months leading up to that blackout and he had some scary calls ... the blackout was a final wake-up call that he wasn't fit to even drive anymore). Anyhoo, this disabled lover had to drive ratboy to the farm at 5 a.m. and pick him up generally sometime between 10 p.m. and midnight. They had no time together or anything.

So hearing his boyfriend wanted him to quit, Ratboy was relieved ... he had only been doing that to support his new lover and to try and save up so his wife could move in with them too ... his body had just been telling him he wasn't a frickin wetback and he should stop pretending to be one ... so yeah, he quit. A company that had laid him off was rehiring, and Ratboy was assured he was a shoe-in to get rehired.

Of course you know what i say ratboy was assured, that means tiddly squat. Oops, they had accidently put ratboy on their "do not rehire" stack (they called it a stack, so I guess it was a stack of some sort). This took two months to figure out that was why Ratboy didn't get scheduled for a restart date after he had interviewed for the job he had been laid off from a year before (that was the 70+ hour call center). In the meantime, all the positions had closed ... but gee, at least Ratboy wasn't on their do not rehire list, they just didn't have any more positions open ... that's fine, ya know right?

Well the drama kept rolling. This new older boyfriend's mom passed away the same day the shuttle disintegrated, and with that his feelings for ratboy also disintegrated. He began physically brawling with ratboy ... gee, I mentioned earlier how ratboy couldn't win a wrestling match with a 5 year old? He also couldn't win a brawl with a fricking cripple as it turns out! What a fricking loser whimp!

So that fell apart, Ratboy got thrown out and again he had to go crawling back to his parents in 2003 to try -again- to start all over. He severely missed his wife, but he kept going. Managed to find another job, got laid off. Again, again and again. Finally, around September of 2005 he managed to cling to a job long enough to move back out of his parents, this time fully on his own. Things were looking up again! Could it be the long-delayed reunion between a rat and his wife might come to pass?

Oh, no, GOD FORBIDS THAT!

If he can't keep the rat struck down, god went after the rat's wife! She had become seriously ill ... it had been kinda gradual, living with her family in Oklahoma ... she had more and more trouble getting out of bed, she had absolutely no energy and would sleep most of the day ... by November it had gotten so severe that even with no money and no insurance, they realized she had to be gotten to a doctor to figure out what was going on.

What was going on? Advanced late stage lymphoma.

Now ratboy here still doesn't know much about this, but he came to understand that lymphoma is a kind of cancer and like all cancer, it must be caught early for a decent chance of surviving it. It was, when they found this lymphoma in ratboy's wife, far too advanced. They gave her six months to live at the most ... she didn't make it that long. In January 2006, she never woke up and passed in her sleep, half a continent away from her husband.

It was so close ... he had his paychecks counted to the penny and could live with her again in just a few more months.

Ha ha rat, foiled again!

SO this fricking whiny emo drama story got stuck here in your question about whether it is better to have loved and lost love, or never to have loved to begin with. I hope amid all the vomit from the gay drama above you might get teh sense that while there may be people who have even worse luck than ratboy, ratboy might have at least one or two points of experience to give an answer. But instead of an answer he's given you a life story!

So, what is the answer to life the universe and everything according to this mountain of infinite experience on the subject?

None at all!

None at all?

None at all!

I remember life before love. I remember yearning it somewhat, but not really believing I could ever feel it.

I've had hot passionate relationship that went terribly wrong.

I've had relationships gradually build more and more over time and ... crash, they upped and died on me.

I'm fricking 33 but I feel more like a 90 year old. So much has passed in my life already. I friggin feel old.

Going through what I have, I know I cannot go through it again. I can't repeat my bat-$#!t-crazy twennies again. I've had to put the kibosh on my own heart ... I just can't go through it again. I feel I already have big holes ripped every which way through me, but I'm not numb to the pain and just can't go through another relationship again. If its bad, it'll twist around like a rusty blade in my heart. If its good, it'll tease me and die again.

So am I saying its better to never have loved?

I last saw my wife in 2002. 7 years ago. However stupid, however futile, I want so very much to be in her arms again. I want to go on quiet walks for hours with her again. My life can't be complete without her, and since she has passed on, I know it will never be complete. I can never be a full man again, however anyone else defines being a man.

I can't get in another relationship, not for a very long time. But would I go back and change and wipe it all out and never have met my wife or the times I had with her?

There are times I honestly feel so week that I would. But they are fleeting.

Despite my pain, my agony that I don't feel will ever go away ... I love her. Forever. Geography and death may have parted us, but no way in hell would I ever renounce my feelings for her. She became atheist, so do I. We both believe in absolute oblivion ... life is mortal, it starts and it ends, we are all as Sagan might put it on this little blue-green speck in the infinite sea of the cosmos but for a fraction of a blink in the eyes of the universe. We are each of us a combination of our history and heritage that started before we were born, and our unique paths in life.
PervRat
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10/1/2009 7:30:41 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
Mine is sad and pathetic, yes. But of everything I had in my life, what time I did have with my wife was the most valuable. She gave me one thing that no one else in my life had ever been able to give me: a sense of value in myself. When I met her, she barely talked. "Hi," "okay," "wanna?" ... her sentences were short and far between and usually she'd just nod, shrug or shake her head instead of speak. She was not anorexic in terms of eating and sticking her finger down her throat ... but she didn't eat. She was skin and bones. She just went along with things. But after a month or two of spending a lot of time with mopey dopey crying emo me, she began to smile. And laugh. She had never had that in her life, not really. She fully emerged from depression and enjoyed life.

There is really no way to put to words how this felt to me, to see this change in her and to realize I had a role to play, I was part of it, I helped her live. ME! I'm not a rich man who could take her on a fancy posh vacation somewhere, I wasn't a strong man who could see and keep her safe from that effing ex-friend of mine, by any macho definition I'm not much of a man at all ... I wasn't even very good at the sex thing, but spiritually and emotionally she and I were more intimate than any other couple we had ever seen.

That is where I got a sense of value in myself ... I had made her happy. Nothing I have ever done or accomplished in my life comes close to the warmth I feel in my heart knowing that I had.

So for me the answer is that I am more experienced and knowledgy and have a sense of value in myself I would not have had otherwise, but the pain of the loss is severe and I cannot risk it again.

So I just gave you a long whiny a$$ed emo drama novel just to tell you no fricking answer at all! Crap, man, why are you still reading this?

== FINALLY THE FINISH! ==

Sorry to those of you who posted amid my posting these segments.
PervRat
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10/1/2009 7:31:36 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 10/1/2009 7:26:40 PM, wjmelements wrote:
Definitely write a novel. I'd buy it.

Just read, doesn't need money ... but promise to at least consider fighting for UHC to stop the 45,000 cases like my wife who die every year.
Xer
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10/1/2009 7:31:50 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 10/1/2009 7:25:05 PM, PervRat wrote:
A bit of a foreword - I've talked a bit about my wife and I know some of my long-time friends on DDO have been waiting for that much talked-about plan to write the novel. Haven't gotten around to it, just effing lazy I'm afraid.

This seems to be the recurring problem. I get it now.
leet4A1
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10/1/2009 7:34:12 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
I learned a new internet meme the other day and I can finally put it to use with this thread.

TL;DR
"Let me tell you the truth. The truth is, 'what is'. And 'what should be' is a fantasy, a terrible terrible lie that someone gave to the people long ago. The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is." - Lenny Bruce

"Satan goes to church, did you know that?" - Godsands

"And Genisis 1 does match modern science... you just have to try really hard." - GR33K FR33K5
PervRat
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10/1/2009 7:34:46 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 10/1/2009 7:27:46 PM, mongoose wrote:
Why are you doing this?

Lots of reasons. Yeah there's a whole lot of ugly in there. No, I'm not proud of my actions and inactions.

I know there are a lot of teenagers on here and maybe its wrong to put such an adult biography here, but ... I hope it paints a bit of a picture on things, like when your parents say to slow down when your teenage hormones are telling ya that you're in love. Make a life for yourself first and if the love is true, you will still feel the same, but you won't go through the couch hopping my wife and I did, you will be able to take care of each other and you won't have to suffer the loss of your lover the way I did.

I hope it gives some life lessons and gives you younger folk some foresight.

I also hope some of the "Universal Health Care Is Evil!" thinkers a pause to read and consider ... you know, maybe a little more taxes for those making above a quarter million bucks is a small price to pay to save 45,000 lives.

I dunno, maybe its just interesting or makes a good horror story. But its there and I'm here and I'm willing to hang out my intimate life details for whatever they are worth.
mongoose
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10/1/2009 7:40:18 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 10/1/2009 7:34:46 PM, PervRat wrote:
At 10/1/2009 7:27:46 PM, mongoose wrote:
Why are you doing this?

Lots of reasons. Yeah there's a whole lot of ugly in there. No, I'm not proud of my actions and inactions.

I know there are a lot of teenagers on here and maybe its wrong to put such an adult biography here, but ... I hope it paints a bit of a picture on things, like when your parents say to slow down when your teenage hormones are telling ya that you're in love. Make a life for yourself first and if the love is true, you will still feel the same, but you won't go through the couch hopping my wife and I did, you will be able to take care of each other and you won't have to suffer the loss of your lover the way I did.

I hope it gives some life lessons and gives you younger folk some foresight.

I also hope some of the "Universal Health Care Is Evil!" thinkers a pause to read and consider ... you know, maybe a little more taxes for those making above a quarter million bucks is a small price to pay to save 45,000 lives.

I dunno, maybe its just interesting or makes a good horror story. But its there and I'm here and I'm willing to hang out my intimate life details for whatever they are worth.

Or maybe UHC causes even more deaths, less liberty, higher taxes, AND more government control. WIN!!!
It is odd when one's capacity for compassion is measured not in what he is willing to do by his own time, effort, and property, but what he will force others to do with their own property instead.
Volkov
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10/1/2009 7:54:41 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 10/1/2009 7:53:11 PM, BrandonClark wrote:
I feel wrong saying this, but I honestly don't think all of that could possibly happen.

I don't think you're alone in that.
Rezzealaux
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10/1/2009 7:59:49 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 10/1/2009 7:34:46 PM, PervRat wrote:
I also hope some of the "Universal Health Care Is Evil!" thinkers a pause to read and consider ... you know, maybe a little more taxes for those making above a quarter million bucks is a small price to pay to save 45,000 lives.

I think I might read through your story sometime, I've always liked reading answers to that question, but I am not going to advocate pointing guns at the heads of 300 million to save the lives of 45 thousand.

You also don't seem to know how people work (and as Psychology 101 would advocate, this is reflected by your failed relationships). If you put rules on someone, they're not going to stop doing whatever they were doing before. Not in the sense that you want them to stop in. Outlaw drugs? People simply don't sell it in stores. Ban profanity? People find other ways to insult and make others feel bad. Put more taxes on those who earn over 250k? They'll just find ways to get themselves in lower tax brackets, making tax revenue even lower than before. Which "pushes" the government to raise taxes. Which simply incentivizes even more "cheating" so people can get into lower tax brackets. And on and on and on and on and on....

What do we call doing things over and over again even though they have empirically proved to do the exact opposite of why the action is taken?

Einstein called it "insanity".

The dictionary calls it "addiction".

from http://www.thefreedictionary.com...
A physical or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, such as a drug or alcohol. In physical addiction, the body adapts to the substance being used and gradually requires increased amounts to reproduce the effects originally produced by smaller doses.

I also hope some of the "Universal Health Care Is Evil!" thinkers a pause to read and consider ... you know, maybe a little more taxes for those making above a quarter million bucks is a small price to pay to save 45,000 lives.

Violence begets violence. Force one person, and eventually, you will be forcing them all. I believe this isn't even an anarchist statement; I've been hearing that for forever. Was it from Elie Wiesel? I can't remember. But violence begets violence, power corrupts, etc. etc. etc. Ergo, no matter what the intentions are, the government is never a good answer. What is the government? A monopoly on the initiation of use of force. A mafia that is not kept in check by other mafias.

I don't care if we're only "taxing" one person to "help" the rest.

It is not justifiable.
: If you weren't new here, you'd know not to feed me such attention. This is like an orgasm in my brain right now. *hehe, my name is in a title, hehe* (http://www.debate.org...)

Just in case I get into some BS with FREEDO again about how he's NOT a narcissist.

"The law is there to destroy evil under the constitutional government."
So... what's there to destroy evil inside of and above the constitutional government?
BrandonClark
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10/1/2009 8:04:53 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 10/1/2009 7:34:12 PM, leet4A1 wrote:
I learned a new internet meme the other day and I can finally put it to use with this thread.

TL;DR

I actually did read it, but didn't exactly like it.
BLACKHAWKS 6-5 lN OVERTIME!!!
PervRat
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10/1/2009 8:41:31 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 10/1/2009 7:59:49 PM, Rezzealaux wrote:
I think I might read through your story sometime, I've always liked reading answers to that question, but I am not going to advocate pointing guns at the heads of 300 million to save the lives of 45 thousand.

The quarter millionaires and better are not the ones dying en masse.

That's utterly pathetic, manslaughterer.
Danielle
Posts: 21,330
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10/2/2009 5:47:43 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 10/1/2009 7:54:41 PM, Volkov wrote:
At 10/1/2009 7:53:11 PM, BrandonClark wrote:
I feel wrong saying this, but I honestly don't think all of that could possibly happen.

I don't think you're alone in that.

Actually, I think it's very easy to believe that all of this could happen.
President of DDO
PervRat
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10/2/2009 5:51:42 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 10/2/2009 1:30:09 PM, JBlake wrote:
An interesting story. What are you doing with yourself now? Have you learned much from your sometimes mis-adventures?

Only that I can't trust my own judgement, unfortunately.

That and do all you can to appreciate those around you. You never know what might happen tomorrow. A good lesson for anyone, I think.
PervRat
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10/2/2009 5:53:21 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 10/1/2009 7:59:49 PM, Rezzealaux wrote:
Violence begets violence.

That would justify a violent uprising from the uninsured who are forced to endure sickness and death for the greed of others.
Ragnar_Rahl
Posts: 19,297
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10/2/2009 5:58:03 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
No, if the greed of others and indeed the others themselves did not exist, the "force" from nature would still be present. Therefore, they are not the cause of the "force."
It came to be at its height. It was commanded to command. It was a capital before its first stone was laid. It was a monument to the spirit of man.
Danielle
Posts: 21,330
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10/2/2009 6:10:59 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
PervRat:

I think since you were open enough to post all of this... and it was really long... you at least deserve a legitimate response. You're obviously not going to get one from most people. Now, don't blame them for being apprehensive about the legitimacy of your story. After all, we're still getting over the whole James Frey thing, right? Plus, like you said, a lot of the site members here are very young. And very ignorant. It's not their fault that they are, but they simply don't yet have enough life experience to believe that any of this is possible. I know first hand that it is.

Let me start by saying that I think A LOT of this has come about due to your sexuality. That's another major reason why many people here won't be able to relate to or understand your story. Let me explain -- I'm gay, and I know a lot of gay people. Almost ALL of them have had some type of online relationship or secret relationship that started online, etc. This is because the gay community is so small, and often so hush hush, that people resort to online interaction as a means to meet people, get approval, etc. Factor that in along with the reality that people can lie about who they are - literally or metaphorically - over the net, and you've got a bad combination.

A lot of young and impressionable people often find themselves in situations like yours. I actually know several people with similar (okay, maybe not as unfortunate) stories. When you're young and you're hurt, you run away, you make mistakes, etc. I've done that. I mean, right now I'm living in Illinois with my girlfriend... and none of my family knows about it! Granted my situation is much more fortunate than yours, but to me your story seems far from unbelievable. Like I said, I think many of the people here won't buy what you're saying because throughout it you sound so alone. Why didn't you go to your friends? Your family? How could you let it get that bad?

Again, along with their age, I think it's their lack of understanding about what it's like to be in what you perceive to be a hopeless situation... especially because of your sexuality. If only I could be honest about mine, SO MUCH CRAP would be avoided regarding my family situation! And others! But alas, it's a VERY hard position to be in and one that can often seem so helpless that people really shouldn't judge it because truly they have no idea what it's like to be in a position where you feel trapped. True, it may be just insecurity or fear, but regardless, it's very real to the person who's living it. Also, I don't think that people realize how easy it is to lie to yourself or convince yourself that you have no choice - or that this is the best choice - just because you don't want to deal with the alternative option. But that's just my two cents.

Anyway, I have to say that from my interpretation of your story, it would seem to me as if you are actually gay and that your wife was just a VERY special person, lover and friend to you. That doesn't take away any merit from your marriage whatsoever. I just think it might be why the sex maybe wasn't so great... or why you sorta cheated on her with men. Regardless, it was obviously a very important relationship and I'm so sorry that you lost two people that you loved so deeply. That's rough. I couldn't imagine living without my girlfriend. She is my partner, my lover, my companion, my compliment, my supplement and my best friend. I know that a lot of people say that about their significant others; however, for some relationships, you are all each other has... mine is sort of like that. And it sounds like that was the case for yours as well.

Needless to say, I think (and hope) that you get some type of counseling or have already had some. I'm looking into getting some myself. It sounds awesome lol. You won't be met with responses like, "I don't believe you -- I don't feel like reading your long and pathetic story -- This is too gay for me -- No one cares -- etc." I think it could actually really help you. I don't know where you're at right now, but hopefully you're doing a lot better, and hopefully you've realized that there are some good people in this world which you can come to rely. One thing I've learned in my meager yet emotionally harsh 22 years is that EVERYTHING ASIDE, if someone is treating you poorly, and making your life stagnant or hellish, you need to suck it the fvck up and move on from them.

I'd like to wish you the best of luck with your novel or whatever it is that you decide to do. But hey, for me, can you please stop referring to yourself as Perv Rat Boy? Or whatever? It's really awkward and creepy.
President of DDO
PervRat
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10/2/2009 6:11:22 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 10/2/2009 5:58:03 PM, Ragnar_Rahl wrote:
No, if the greed of others and indeed the others themselves did not exist, the "force" from nature would still be present. Therefore, they are not the cause of the "force."

The health and wealth of the poor feed the health and wealth of the greedy's hoarding.

No matter how to dance around it, you are still excusing political manslaughter. Your arguments applied to New Orleans could read the same, that taxpayers' money should not be wasted to save the lives of people who would have drowned anyway because that's a natural cause of death!
Ragnar_Rahl
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10/2/2009 6:14:26 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 10/2/2009 6:11:22 PM, PervRat wrote:
At 10/2/2009 5:58:03 PM, Ragnar_Rahl wrote:
No, if the greed of others and indeed the others themselves did not exist, the "force" from nature would still be present. Therefore, they are not the cause of the "force."

The health and wealth of the poor feed the health and wealth of the greedy's hoarding.
No, they do not-- the health and wealth of the poor remain the same as they were without the greedy fellows around. Or better sometimes.


No matter how to dance around it, you are still excusing political manslaughter.
Define "manslaughter"

Your arguments applied to New Orleans could read the same, that taxpayers' money should not be wasted to save the lives of people who would have drowned anyway because that's a natural cause of death!
And? You're bringing this up like it's some kind of contradiction. It's not. I don't favor the bailout of New Orleans any more than I favor bailing out sick people or failed banks.
It came to be at its height. It was commanded to command. It was a capital before its first stone was laid. It was a monument to the spirit of man.
PervRat
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10/2/2009 6:58:40 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
theLwerd:

Thank you for the very thoughtful response. Did want to clarify a few things I created some confusion on ...

First, on being gay or bi and "cheating" on her ... I didn't really want to get in the details, though the forum I wrote this on is a lot more "adult" and I'm actually one of the younger messages of that forum at 33. Namely, my wife and I actually had a fairly open relationship sexually. She did not really have a simultaneous romantic lover, I was the only romantic lover she ever had, but with my full knowledge and being perfectly fine with, she did have sex with a couple other guys and ladies. I did have an interest in another lady, but without any words, despite our decision to maintain an open relationship, I saw my wife was not comfortable with my being another woman, so I desisted and went no further. I am sure this will probably really increase the willies factor for readers here, which is why I didn't want to go into it ... but like I said, I am willing to go on details and wanted to give you an indication it wasn't "cheating" as in we made vows of monogamy and I broke them.

I don't worry too much about whether I am more gay or bi. Raven is the only woman I've been serious with, and if that makes me gay with one exception, or 90% gay ... whatever. Its labels. I think of myself as attracted to the soul or spirit, not the gender. In the wake of my misfortunes, though, I cannot help but not trust fate, so I've kept myself out of relationships and plan to keep myself on probation for some time to come, as tempted as I am by a couple people I currently feel close to. I obviously leapt way too quickly into a relationship after losing Moose, I was waay not ready ... though if I hadn't, I would never have met Raven.

On counselling, I have tried. I first started after that suicidal episode, in a promise to my wife and our mutual friend, but wasn't able to continue after I left Texas. One psychiatrist I saw later seriously betrayed my trust, which made it harder to go back if not having any money and health insurance weren't bad enough. I got on with another one for a short while on a sliding scale, but I "slid off the scale" ... I was working a job that suffered a shortage of work and I wasn't able to make the payments I had agreed to. I wound up losing my place to live (I was paying rent, but the landlord sold the house ... yes I finally was paying my own rent!) and had to move to another city anyway. I hadn't really since, instead of therapists to talk to, I got signed up with a depression medication research study and that has helped a lot, I really didn't improve one iota by just chatting with a shrink. Unfortunately, the study was cancelled though the research evaluators graciously gave me some "after-care" that included transitioning me to a commerical antidepressant I've been on ever since. I'm not 100% ... and unfortunately with my dire financial situation, I'm running low and wound up running out for several days starting last Saturday before I could beg for enough money for a refill. So yeah, I have been off my meds ... and yeah I have definitely noticed as have the family I have been staying with. I managed to beg for enough to get a refill the first of which I took last night, but I know it will be days until I am back up to the level I was at before running out.

As for the nick ... really its what I am comfortable with. I really stress out and obsess over crap. I doubt anyone here would believe me on this, especially if they don't believe my story is true, but I used to be very concerned about being polite and respectful. I kept a lot of things to myself, even when I felt slighted or hurt by something someone else was doing or saying. I might get into heated debates, but I never cursed nor attacked people.

Maybe this isn't really an improvement, I don't know, but I finally shucked this formal crap. I adopt a dirty, filthy nick like "perverted rat" because I think it helps deaden any ad hominem attacks against me. I think it also prepares people for shocking perspectives I have on things that they'd never fricking heard of before. How the hell could I be an anti-abortion atheist? Because I'm a perverted rat, that's why! lol. Its disarming, its self-poking, I don't really think its demeaning. I could be a little more accurate and less fun and call myself "HomelessUnkemptBum" as my nick, but I don't really think that'd go over well, either.

With regard,
The Perverted Rat
PervRat
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10/2/2009 7:05:50 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
At 10/2/2009 6:14:26 PM, Ragnar_Rahl wrote:
Define "manslaughter"
To cause unintentional deaths through one's action or inactions. Examples would be speeding or driving recklesly, not intending to but in the process causing deaths. Accidentally starting a fire that kills someone is another example. In this case, taking political action against a program to end civil injustice that is causing tens of thousands of deaths among disadvantaged people.

Your arguments applied to New Orleans could read the same, that taxpayers' money should not be wasted to save the lives of people who would have drowned anyway because that's a natural cause of death!
And? You're bringing this up like it's some kind of contradiction. It's not. I don't favor the bailout of New Orleans any more than I favor bailing out sick people or failed banks.
Then you value a rich man's right to his money over a poor man's right to his life and you will not be able to understand me unless you can fix this failure in judgment nor the obligation every member of a society has to make small sacrifices for mutual benefit.
Lexicaholic
Posts: 526
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10/2/2009 7:06:26 PM
Posted: 7 years ago
It was an okay story, but I never want to see the words 'Rat', 'tail', and 'perverted' again.

Heh.

/

On a more serious note, my condolences on your losses.
http://mastersofcreationrpg.com... - My new site and long-developed project. Should be fun.