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Fallen Angel

CierraNicole
Posts: 28
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6/4/2013 12:03:13 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
This is a story that I started, and I need opinions...
Chapter One: Awakening
At first, there was darkness. I didn"t know who, or where, or even what I was. I tried to make sense of my surroundings, but I couldn"t see anything. So, I attempted to figure out what I could.
It was cold--even frigid--like a freezer. I was lying down horizontally on my back--is that what it is?--and my eyes were closed. I tried to open them, but I couldn"t quite find them.
"What"s wrong with her, Merrell?" I heard a husky voice ask. "Why isn"t she awake yet?"
"Give her some time, Brady. They always need time. Adjusting to a new body is difficult. You know that. But, this should help..."
I felt something smooth run across my eyelids. Ah, yes, that"s where they are! Now that I knew where they were, I could open them. My eyes fluttered open, and I saw a glaring white light. Suddenly, I knew where I was. I"d been in a place like this many times before. This was a Transfer room.
A Transfer room was where a soul found a body. Every soul needed a host to be able to stay on a planet. To be Placed, the Hunters had to find a life-form suitable for that soul. Whichever life-form would depend on the dominant species on that planet. Sometimes they were Orbs, or Cats, or even Wolves. I had been Placed in twelve different life-forms. That one was my thirteenth.
For souls, most are Placed on four or five different planets before they settle down. Seven is rare. Twelve? Unheard of. I had become a sort of legend among the souls. It was probably more amazing to others because I was born on the Origin.
The Origin was the one planet where we didn"t need a host. That was because souls originally came from the Origin. It was extremely rare to find a traveling soul from the Origin.
I vaguely remembered the Origin from my short time there. We all floated around and communicated through thought. The Origin was beautiful, with two suns, four moons, violet soil, and dark blue flowers. I had been told that I was a fool for ever leaving, but I did not ever regret my decision. I sought out new experiences--new senses--and I got that!
As the Transfer room blurred into view, I saw two men standing over me. One was extremely tall with light brown skin, short black hair, and a proud look on his face. I knew he was the Placer. They all had that proud look when a Transfer went right. The other was of medium height, had ivory skin, and looked slightly worried. The Hunter. Those were the ones who worried about the new Transfers and their ability to adapt. Each had the silvery eyes that marked us for what we were.
"Angel, are you okay?" the man I recognized as the Placer--Merrell--said.
I was about to answer, to tell him that I was fine, but just then, the Memories began.
Mysterious_Stranger
Posts: 1,562
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6/4/2013 12:06:49 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
Not bad, though it could do with some kind of synopsis because there seems to be lot going on in the story.
Turn around, go back.
cybertron1998
Posts: 5,818
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6/4/2013 12:07:23 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/4/2013 12:03:13 PM, CierraNicole wrote:
This is a story that I started, and I need opinions...
Chapter One: Awakening
At first, there was darkness. I didn"t know who, or where, or even what I was. I tried to make sense of my surroundings, but I couldn"t see anything. So, I attempted to figure out what I could.
It was cold--even frigid--like a freezer. I was lying down horizontally on my back--is that what it is?--and my eyes were closed. I tried to open them, but I couldn"t quite find them.
"What"s wrong with her, Merrell?" I heard a husky voice ask. "Why isn"t she awake yet?"
"Give her some time, Brady. They always need time. Adjusting to a new body is difficult. You know that. But, this should help..."
I felt something smooth run across my eyelids. Ah, yes, that"s where they are! Now that I knew where they were, I could open them. My eyes fluttered open, and I saw a glaring white light. Suddenly, I knew where I was. I"d been in a place like this many times before. This was a Transfer room.
A Transfer room was where a soul found a body. Every soul needed a host to be able to stay on a planet. To be Placed, the Hunters had to find a life-form suitable for that soul. Whichever life-form would depend on the dominant species on that planet. Sometimes they were Orbs, or Cats, or even Wolves. I had been Placed in twelve different life-forms. That one was my thirteenth.
For souls, most are Placed on four or five different planets before they settle down. Seven is rare. Twelve? Unheard of. I had become a sort of legend among the souls. It was probably more amazing to others because I was born on the Origin.
The Origin was the one planet where we didn"t need a host. That was because souls originally came from the Origin. It was extremely rare to find a traveling soul from the Origin.
I vaguely remembered the Origin from my short time there. We all floated around and communicated through thought. The Origin was beautiful, with two suns, four moons, violet soil, and dark blue flowers. I had been told that I was a fool for ever leaving, but I did not ever regret my decision. I sought out new experiences--new senses--and I got that!
As the Transfer room blurred into view, I saw two men standing over me. One was extremely tall with light brown skin, short black hair, and a proud look on his face. I knew he was the Placer. They all had that proud look when a Transfer went right. The other was of medium height, had ivory skin, and looked slightly worried. The Hunter. Those were the ones who worried about the new Transfers and their ability to adapt. Each had the silvery eyes that marked us for what we were.
"Angel, are you okay?" the man I recognized as the Placer--Merrell--said.
I was about to answer, to tell him that I was fine, but just then, the Memories began.

ooh this sounds like its going to be interesting
Epsilon: There are so many stories where some brave hero decides to give their life to save the day, and because of their sacrifice, the good guys win, the survivors all cheer, and everybody lives happily ever after. But the hero... never gets to see that ending. They'll never know if their sacrifice actually made a difference. They'll never know if the day was really saved. In the end, they just have to have faith.
leojm
Posts: 1,825
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6/5/2013 7:48:42 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/4/2013 12:03:13 PM, CierraNicole wrote:
This is a story that I started, and I need opinions...
Chapter One: Awakening
At first, there was darkness. I didn"t know who, or where, or even what I was. I tried to make sense of my surroundings, but I couldn"t see anything. So, I attempted to figure out what I could.
It was cold--even frigid--like a freezer. I was lying down horizontally on my back--is that what it is?--and my eyes were closed. I tried to open them, but I couldn"t quite find them.
"What"s wrong with her, Merrell?" I heard a husky voice ask. "Why isn"t she awake yet?"
"Give her some time, Brady. They always need time. Adjusting to a new body is difficult. You know that. But, this should help..."
I felt something smooth run across my eyelids. Ah, yes, that"s where they are! Now that I knew where they were, I could open them. My eyes fluttered open, and I saw a glaring white light. Suddenly, I knew where I was. I"d been in a place like this many times before. This was a Transfer room.
A Transfer room was where a soul found a body. Every soul needed a host to be able to stay on a planet. To be Placed, the Hunters had to find a life-form suitable for that soul. Whichever life-form would depend on the dominant species on that planet. Sometimes they were Orbs, or Cats, or even Wolves. I had been Placed in twelve different life-forms. That one was my thirteenth.
For souls, most are Placed on four or five different planets before they settle down. Seven is rare. Twelve? Unheard of. I had become a sort of legend among the souls. It was probably more amazing to others because I was born on the Origin.
The Origin was the one planet where we didn"t need a host. That was because souls originally came from the Origin. It was extremely rare to find a traveling soul from the Origin.
I vaguely remembered the Origin from my short time there. We all floated around and communicated through thought. The Origin was beautiful, with two suns, four moons, violet soil, and dark blue flowers. I had been told that I was a fool for ever leaving, but I did not ever regret my decision. I sought out new experiences--new senses--and I got that!
As the Transfer room blurred into view, I saw two men standing over me. One was extremely tall with light brown skin, short black hair, and a proud look on his face. I knew he was the Placer. They all had that proud look when a Transfer went right. The other was of medium height, had ivory skin, and looked slightly worried. The Hunter. Those were the ones who worried about the new Transfers and their ability to adapt. Each had the silvery eyes that marked us for what we were.
"Angel, are you okay?" the man I recognized as the Placer--Merrell--said.
I was about to answer, to tell him that I was fine, but just then, the Memories began.

This is very good, but I think there is too much going on. Maybe like cut it up a little and go more into detail. But over all I love it. :P
CierraNicole
Posts: 28
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6/5/2013 8:05:33 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
Thanks for your opinions. I will include a prologue. :) I know there is a lot going on, so I'll explain it if you want me to.
leojm
Posts: 1,825
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6/5/2013 8:07:45 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/5/2013 8:05:33 AM, CierraNicole wrote:
Thanks for your opinions. I will include a prologue. :) I know there is a lot going on, so I'll explain it if you want me to.

That would be great. :)
CierraNicole
Posts: 28
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6/5/2013 8:22:41 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
It is set in the future... about a hundred years or so... and Earth is being taken over by an alien race known as Souls. Souls originated on a planet in a distant galaxy called "the Origin." Very few Souls leave the Origin. The Origin is a very beautiful planet, and the only one where they don't need a host life-form in order to survive. The very few Souls that did leave the Origin reproduced on other planets ruled by a variety of organisms. Some were ruled by Dolphins, others by Wolves, or Orbs. The first Soul to come to Earth was an Explorer named Jaydenn. Jaydenn brought with him a Placer and a Hunter. They came in the form of Wolves, and soon infected Human bodies. The Souls have populated most of the Earth since then.
Souls usually visit four different planets before they settle down with a Mate. Angel has been on twelve planets--Earth is her thirteenth. She has been forced to move out of planets because she is often reckless and impulsive, but she shares the Souls' need for peace and non-violence. Many souls know her as just "The Soul Who Never Settles." In many ways, her nickname is true, but not the way the Souls on Earth see it. They see it as she'll never settle down on a single planet. She'll just keep roaming the universe until her form fizzles out.
leojm
Posts: 1,825
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6/5/2013 8:50:55 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/5/2013 8:22:41 AM, CierraNicole wrote:
It is set in the future... about a hundred years or so... and Earth is being taken over by an alien race known as Souls. Souls originated on a planet in a distant galaxy called "the Origin." Very few Souls leave the Origin. The Origin is a very beautiful planet, and the only one where they don't need a host life-form in order to survive. The very few Souls that did leave the Origin reproduced on other planets ruled by a variety of organisms. Some were ruled by Dolphins, others by Wolves, or Orbs. The first Soul to come to Earth was an Explorer named Jaydenn. Jaydenn brought with him a Placer and a Hunter. They came in the form of Wolves, and soon infected Human bodies. The Souls have populated most of the Earth since then.
Souls usually visit four different planets before they settle down with a Mate. Angel has been on twelve planets--Earth is her thirteenth. She has been forced to move out of planets because she is often reckless and impulsive, but she shares the Souls' need for peace and non-violence. Many souls know her as just "The Soul Who Never Settles." In many ways, her nickname is true, but not the way the Souls on Earth see it. They see it as she'll never settle down on a single planet. She'll just keep roaming the universe until her form fizzles out.

This was a lot of help thank you. :P
cybertron1998
Posts: 5,818
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6/5/2013 9:03:20 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
well since this is right up my genre i understood completely but your prologue kind of threw me off with the whole invasion thing. I didn't expect that.
Epsilon: There are so many stories where some brave hero decides to give their life to save the day, and because of their sacrifice, the good guys win, the survivors all cheer, and everybody lives happily ever after. But the hero... never gets to see that ending. They'll never know if their sacrifice actually made a difference. They'll never know if the day was really saved. In the end, they just have to have faith.
CierraNicole
Posts: 28
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6/5/2013 11:46:17 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/5/2013 9:03:20 AM, cybertron1998 wrote:
well since this is right up my genre i understood completely but your prologue kind of threw me off with the whole invasion thing. I didn't expect that.

Haha. sorry that I confused you. But I kind of suck at explaining this sort of thing. It's like... I know the stuff in my mind, but when I try to type it up, or transfer it to words, I get all... mixed up.
CierraNicole
Posts: 28
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6/5/2013 11:50:32 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/5/2013 11:49:11 AM, leojm wrote:
You are a good story writer. :)

Thank you, leojm. I've only been writing stories for about... 4 years now. Haha. Only been published once. A haiku in 4th grade