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20 Jokes That Only Geniuses Will Understand

yay842
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3/12/2014 11:06:13 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
1. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Do all of you want a drink?"
The first logician says, "I don't know."
The second logician says, "I don't know."
The third logician says, "Yes!"

4. Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and go seek, It's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims, "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
Newton smiles and says, "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

5. A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said, "this is pointless" and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed, "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?" To which the engineer replied, "so what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

6. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
"You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

7. Another Roman walks into a bar, hold up two fingers and says, "Five beers please."

8. A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or girl?" The logician replies: "yes"

9. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee please with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

10. Entropy isn't what it used to be.

11. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

12. Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31=Dec 25

13. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt G"del, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure if it's funny or not?" G"del replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong.

14. Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting "oh sh*t, I forgot to feed the dog!"

15. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve to noble gases here." He doesn't react.

16. Schr"dinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

17. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says, "make me one with everything."

18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says, "we don't allow Higgs Bosons in here." The Higgs Boson replies, "but without me, how could you have mass?"

19. The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a load of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

20. There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.
30 Important Life Lessons
http://www.debate.org...
20 Terrifying Two-Sentence Horrors
http://www.debate.org...
20 Jokes That Only Geniuses Will Understand
http://www.debate.org...
Name One Song That Can't Match This GIF
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MassiveDump
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3/13/2014 10:22:34 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/12/2014 11:06:13 PM, yay842 wrote:
1. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Writing this one down.

2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
This one will be hard to tell in real life.

3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Do all of you want a drink?"
The first logician says, "I don't know."
The second logician says, "I don't know."
The third logician says, "Yes!"
I guess I'm not a genius.

4. Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and go seek, It's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims, "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
Newton smiles and says, "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"
Too long; did read; worth it.

5. A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said, "this is pointless" and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed, "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?" To which the engineer replied, "so what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"
Get it, but meh.

6. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
"You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"
*facepalm*

7. Another Roman walks into a bar, hold up two fingers and says, "Five beers please."
Heh.

8. A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or girl?" The logician replies: "yes"
Oh now that's just being a smart@ss.

9. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee please with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
I can see why it should make sense, even if I don't fully get it.

10. Entropy isn't what it used to be.
I could kill you for that.

11. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
*define?

12. Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31=Dec 25
Oh would ya look at that.

13. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt G"del, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure if it's funny or not?" G"del replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong.
Pass.

14. Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting "oh sh*t, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Pass.

15. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve to noble gases here." He doesn't react.
Lel.

16. Schr"dinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.

17. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says, "make me one with everything."
Hahehahehahehahehahehahehaheha.

18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says, "we don't allow Higgs Bosons in here." The Higgs Boson replies, "but without me, how could you have mass?"
Face, meet desk. You're going to be spending a lot of time together.

19. The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a load of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Once again, that's just being a smart@ss.

20. There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.
Lel.
SeventhProfessor
Posts: 5,077
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3/13/2014 11:34:44 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/13/2014 10:22:34 AM, MassiveDump wrote:
At 3/12/2014 11:06:13 PM, yay842 wrote:
1. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Writing this one down.

2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
This one will be hard to tell in real life.

3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Do all of you want a drink?"
The first logician says, "I don't know."
The second logician says, "I don't know."
The third logician says, "Yes!"
I guess I'm not a genius.

All three want drinks, but the first two only know that they want drinks. If they didn't want drinks, they would know that not all of them want drinks. Since they don't know if everyone wants a drink, they say I don't know. The third sees this logical process, realizes the other two want drinks, and tells the bartender all three do.
#UnbanTheMadman

#StandWithBossy

#BetOnThett

"bossy r u like 85 years old and have lost ur mind"
~mysteriouscrystals

"I've honestly never seen seventh post anything that wasn't completely idiotic in a trying-to-be-funny way."
~F-16

https://docs.google.com...
yay842
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3/13/2014 11:49:42 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/13/2014 11:34:44 PM, SeventhProfessor wrote:

could you also clarify 5, 9, 10, 11, 13
30 Important Life Lessons
http://www.debate.org...
20 Terrifying Two-Sentence Horrors
http://www.debate.org...
20 Jokes That Only Geniuses Will Understand
http://www.debate.org...
Name One Song That Can't Match This GIF
http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net...
yay842
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3/13/2014 11:50:13 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/13/2014 11:49:42 PM, yay842 wrote:
At 3/13/2014 11:34:44 PM, SeventhProfessor wrote:

could you also clarify 5, 9, 10, 11, 13

and 18
30 Important Life Lessons
http://www.debate.org...
20 Terrifying Two-Sentence Horrors
http://www.debate.org...
20 Jokes That Only Geniuses Will Understand
http://www.debate.org...
Name One Song That Can't Match This GIF
http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net...
SeventhProfessor
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3/13/2014 11:50:56 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/13/2014 11:49:42 PM, yay842 wrote:
At 3/13/2014 11:34:44 PM, SeventhProfessor wrote:

could you also clarify 5, 9, 10, 11, 13

I can't tell if you're being sassy (first time saying sassy on DDO) or serious.
#UnbanTheMadman

#StandWithBossy

#BetOnThett

"bossy r u like 85 years old and have lost ur mind"
~mysteriouscrystals

"I've honestly never seen seventh post anything that wasn't completely idiotic in a trying-to-be-funny way."
~F-16

https://docs.google.com...
yay842
Posts: 5,680
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3/13/2014 11:52:13 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/13/2014 11:50:56 PM, SeventhProfessor wrote:
At 3/13/2014 11:49:42 PM, yay842 wrote:
At 3/13/2014 11:34:44 PM, SeventhProfessor wrote:

could you also clarify 5, 9, 10, 11, 13

I can't tell if you're being sassy (first time saying sassy on DDO) or serious.

and 18 pl0x, thanks!
30 Important Life Lessons
http://www.debate.org...
20 Terrifying Two-Sentence Horrors
http://www.debate.org...
20 Jokes That Only Geniuses Will Understand
http://www.debate.org...
Name One Song That Can't Match This GIF
http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net...
SeventhProfessor
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3/14/2014 12:03:29 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
5. A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said, "this is pointless" and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed, "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?" To which the engineer replied, "so what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

1+1/2+1/4+...=2. It takes an infinite amount of addition to reach it, but if you get close enough (such as 1.99999999999998), it's close enough to practically use it as the number two. Mathematicians, or in this case, number theorists, don't like rounding. Engineers, on the other hand, are happy estimating to a close enough number for a result. Even though he never reaches the woman, he gets close enough for... practical purposes ;)

9. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee please with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

Not an expert in this subject, but I believe Sartre thought of nothingness as an object. So, when asking for no cream, they were out of cream and couldn't provide the nothingness. They apparently had milk, so offered none of that instead.

10. Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Just google this one, it's not hard.

11. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

The chemist would pronounce it un-ionized, as in ions are removed.

13. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt G"del, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure if it's funny or not?" G"del replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong.

idklol

18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says, "we don't allow Higgs Bosons in here." The Higgs Boson replies, "but without me, how could you have mass?"

Gravity theory church collection stuff seriously just google it it's not complicated.
#UnbanTheMadman

#StandWithBossy

#BetOnThett

"bossy r u like 85 years old and have lost ur mind"
~mysteriouscrystals

"I've honestly never seen seventh post anything that wasn't completely idiotic in a trying-to-be-funny way."
~F-16

https://docs.google.com...
ESocialBookworm
Posts: 14,350
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3/14/2014 9:51:46 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/12/2014 11:06:13 PM, yay842 wrote:
1. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Do all of you want a drink?"
The first logician says, "I don't know."
The second logician says, "I don't know."
The third logician says, "Yes!"

4. Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and go seek, It's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims, "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
Newton smiles and says, "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

5. A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said, "this is pointless" and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed, "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?" To which the engineer replied, "so what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

6. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
"You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

7. Another Roman walks into a bar, hold up two fingers and says, "Five beers please."

8. A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or girl?" The logician replies: "yes"

9. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee please with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

10. Entropy isn't what it used to be.

11. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

12. Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31=Dec 25

13. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt G"del, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure if it's funny or not?" G"del replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong.

14. Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting "oh sh*t, I forgot to feed the dog!"

15. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve to noble gases here." He doesn't react.

16. Schr"dinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

17. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says, "make me one with everything."

18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says, "we don't allow Higgs Bosons in here." The Higgs Boson replies, "but without me, how could you have mass?"

19. The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a load of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

20. There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

Hilarious! Love them! Guess we're both geniuses!
Solonkr~
I don't care about whether an ideology is "necessary" or not,
I care about how to solve problems,
which is what everyone else should also care about.

Ken~
In essence, the world is fucked up and you can either ignore it, become cynical or bitter about it.

Me~
"BAILEY + SOLON = SAILEY
MY SHIP SAILEY MUST SAIL"

SCREW THAT SHIZ #BANNIE = BAILEY & ANNIE

P.S. Shipped Sailey before it was cannon bitches.
Defro
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3/17/2014 8:50:07 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
Contributing some of mine that my biology class came across online. You might have to have some background in biology to understand some of them. Hell, some of them might not even seem funny even if you DO understand them. But it amused my biology class and I so I find it appropriate to post this here :P

1. A virus enters a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve viruses here." The virus replaces the bartender and says "Now we do".

2. An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases in this bar." The infectious disease says, "Well, your not a very good host."

3. Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve bacteria in this bar". The bacteria say "that's okay, we work here. We're staph!"

4. A room-temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve superconductors in this bar". The room-temperature superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance.

5. An infrared photon walks into a bar and says "Is it hot in here? Or is it just me?"

6. A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve neutrinos in this bar". The neutrino replies "Hey, I'm just passing through."

7. Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

Pretty sure most of these are from science comedian Brian Malow.
Defro
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3/17/2014 8:52:50 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/12/2014 11:06:13 PM, yay842 wrote:

10. Entropy isn't what it used to be.


HA! This one cracked me up the most! I just did a presentation on entropy a few weeks back!
AnDoctuir
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3/17/2014 1:01:22 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
If you know what a tautology is, you probably expected the end of this sentence to be something different than what it isn't.
AnDoctuir
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3/17/2014 1:20:08 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/17/2014 1:01:22 PM, AnDoctuir wrote:
If you know what a tautology is, you probably expected the end of this sentence to be something different than what it isn't.

Not really a joke, more so a hilarious response I saw someone make before to another person saying they knew what a tautology was.