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Aunt Annie's Problem Page

brian_eggleston
Posts: 3,347
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10/1/2010 4:59:43 AM
Posted: 6 years ago
Are you a young lady with problems relating to the opposite sex? Perhaps you need advice on how to interact socially with young gentlemen but you don't have an older sister or sympathetic aunt to turn to?

If so, this forum is where you can post your problems and receive responsible and sensitive advice from "Aunt" Annie Mattress, who is a barmaid from my local pub in South London.

To kick things off, I asked Aunt Annie to give you young ladies some advice on how to behave at débutante balls, dinner dances, discos and nightclubs. Thank you Aunt Annie!
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brian_eggleston
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10/1/2010 5:02:54 AM
Posted: 6 years ago
How to Pull Blokes by Aunt Annie

Cor blimey! What I don't know tugging fellas at clubs ain't worth knowing, I can tell you. Don't get me wrong though, I ain't no slapper, but if you don't put yourself about a bit you won't get any action, know what I mean girls? Take my mate, for example - Frigid Trish we call her - she ain't had c*ck for so long she's healed up - ha-ha-ha! So here's my top tips:

1 - Dress to thrill – don't be shy, make sure the fellas get a proper eyeful - show them a bit of leg and wear a low cut top that displays your "assets" to the full, you know what I mean girls? You won't pull any bloke dressed up like some frumpy old librarian, well at least not until the dash-for-gash just before kicking out time anyway.

2 - Get their attention – it may sound old fashioned, but a smile goes a long way, but if that don't work, try to draw the fella's eyes down to your thru'penny bits by pretending to brush cigarette ash off the front of your top - giggling suggestively and fluttering your eyelids at the same time will help as well.

3 - Don't be backwards in coming forwards - if the bloke still hasn't come over to chat you up, don't give up. Go up to him, pinch his arse and say something a bit naughty like "Here, buy us a drink, loverboy - mine's an Irish coffee - I like something warm inside me in the evenings, you know what I mean, darling?"

4 - Persarveer, I mean be purssistant, that is to say keep trying – don't worry if your fella hasn't invited you back to his place yet, he might be a bit shy. This is the 21st century and there's nothing wrong with a girl making the first move these days. However, if he makes some excuse like he's got a girlfriend or he fancies a few pints with his mates first, go and get one of your pals and offer to lez it up for him, but if none of that works you will know he's a queer and it's time to move on.

So there we are, ladies, my wise words of advice on how to pull blokes. Remember them when you're out on the lash this Friday night and I promise you that you'll be fighting the fellas off with a sh1tty stick.

Big kisses from Aunt Annie.
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wush
Posts: 330
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10/1/2010 5:23:10 AM
Posted: 6 years ago
dear aunt annie
what would you say the best way to commit suicide is?
BE HAPPY!! =D
you are beautiful, don't let anyone tell you you're not
you're 100X more beautiful when you smile, not that you need it
brian_eggleston
Posts: 3,347
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10/1/2010 6:01:14 AM
Posted: 6 years ago
At 10/1/2010 5:23:10 AM, wush wrote:
dear aunt annie
what would you say the best way to commit suicide is?

Aunt Annie writes:

Dear oh, dear, oh dear! We are in a lather, aren't we luvvy?

What's the matter, a girl at school not coming over with goods is she not?

Or perhaps you've put some fat bird up the duff and she want's you to marry her when you are both old enough?

Come on, tell me all about it.
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lovelife
Posts: 14,629
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10/1/2010 7:30:02 AM
Posted: 6 years ago
At 10/1/2010 4:59:43 AM, brian_eggleston wrote:

ummm wow..? oh and mirza would just get a thrrill from the below, especially the bold.

1 - Dress to thrill don't be shy, make sure the fellas get a proper eyeful - show them a bit of leg and wear a low cut top that displays your "assets" to the full, you know what I mean girls? You won't pull any bloke dressed up like some frumpy old librarian, well at least not until the dash-for-gash just before kicking out time anyway.

2 - Get their attention – it may sound old fashioned, but a smile goes a long way, but if that don't work, try to draw the fella's eyes down to your thru'penny bits by pretending to brush cigarette ash off the front of your top - giggling suggestively and fluttering your eyelids at the same time will help as well.
This is the 21st century and there's nothing wrong with a girl

Big kisses from Aunt Annie.
Without Royal there is a hole inside of me, I have no choice but to leave
oceanix
Posts: 747
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10/1/2010 4:18:40 PM
Posted: 6 years ago
Dear Aunt Annie,

I'm a drag queen, but everyone thinks I'm a girl. I finally got this boy to ask me to the homecoming dance, but now I'm afraid my wig will slip off or something! I really like him, but I don't think he's gay. What should I do?

Thanks,
"Niece" Robert
SuperRobotWars
Posts: 3,906
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10/1/2010 4:34:04 PM
Posted: 6 years ago
Aunt Annie whats the best way to kidnap and rape someone?
Minister Of Trolling
: At 12/6/2011 2:21:41 PM, badger wrote:
: ugly people should beat beautiful people ugly. simple! you'd be killing two birds with the one stone... women like violent men and you're making yourself more attractive, relatively. i met a blonde dude who was prettier than me not so long ago. he's not so pretty now! ha!
:
: ...and well, he wasn't really prettier than me. he just had nice hair.
Kinesis
Posts: 3,667
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10/1/2010 4:38:24 PM
Posted: 6 years ago
At 10/1/2010 5:23:10 AM, wush wrote:
dear aunt annie
what would you say the best way to commit suicide is?

>.>

Don't try and kill the thread, it's epic.
lovelife
Posts: 14,629
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10/1/2010 8:32:21 PM
Posted: 6 years ago
Aunt Annie, are you sure you aren't Aunt Anne?
http://www.google.com...'s%20pretzels&psj=1&wrapid=tlif12859902799532&um=1&ie=UTF-8&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&biw=1259&bih=448
Without Royal there is a hole inside of me, I have no choice but to leave
wush
Posts: 330
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10/1/2010 8:48:05 PM
Posted: 6 years ago
At 10/1/2010 6:01:14 AM, brian_eggleston wrote:
At 10/1/2010 5:23:10 AM, wush wrote:
dear aunt annie
what would you say the best way to commit suicide is?

Aunt Annie writes:

Dear oh, dear, oh dear! We are in a lather, aren't we luvvy?

What's the matter, a girl at school not coming over with goods is she not?

Or perhaps you've put some fat bird up the duff and she want's you to marry her when you are both old enough?

Come on, tell me all about it.

it's commit suicide or die of boredom. i'd rather commit suicide.
BE HAPPY!! =D
you are beautiful, don't let anyone tell you you're not
you're 100X more beautiful when you smile, not that you need it
Kinesis
Posts: 3,667
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10/2/2010 11:04:58 AM
Posted: 6 years ago
At 10/1/2010 8:48:05 PM, wush wrote:
At 10/1/2010 6:01:14 AM, brian_eggleston wrote:
At 10/1/2010 5:23:10 AM, wush wrote:
dear aunt annie
what would you say the best way to commit suicide is?

Aunt Annie writes:

Dear oh, dear, oh dear! We are in a lather, aren't we luvvy?

What's the matter, a girl at school not coming over with goods is she not?

Or perhaps you've put some fat bird up the duff and she want's you to marry her when you are both old enough?

Come on, tell me all about it.

it's commit suicide or die of boredom. i'd rather commit suicide.

You are 13. It shows.
brian_eggleston
Posts: 3,347
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10/3/2010 1:32:36 AM
Posted: 6 years ago
At 10/1/2010 1:04:55 PM, Atheism wrote:
Dear Aunt Annie:
What is the best sex position, in your opinion?
-LOL-

Aunt Annie writes:

That would depend on what you look like my lovely. If you are handsome, lie her on her back so you can mash her thru'penny bits as you go along, but if you've got a face like a dropped pie, it would be better to do her from behind – the sight of your ugly mug grimacing and gurning while you are on your vinegar strokes is hardly likely to get her frothing at the gash is it?
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brian_eggleston
Posts: 3,347
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10/3/2010 1:44:04 AM
Posted: 6 years ago
At 10/1/2010 4:18:40 PM, oceanix wrote:
Dear Aunt Annie,

I'm a drag queen, but everyone thinks I'm a girl. I finally got this boy to ask me to the homecoming dance, but now I'm afraid my wig will slip off or something! I really like him, but I don't think he's gay. What should I do?

Thanks,
"Niece" Robert

Dear Robert,

Cor blimey! I thought I'd seen it all but you don't get that sort of malarchy going on in in Rotherhithe!

So let's get this straight (or bent as the case may be). You are a bender who likes dressing up as a bird and you fancy this mush that you've invited to a homecoming dance (where has he been, by the way)?

But what makes you so sure this bloke is actually a fella? He might be a Richard the Third dressed up as a man. So when you retire to your bedchamber and disrobe (or go round the back by the bins and get your kit off as the case may be) you might be surprised to find he is actually a she!

Big kisses,

Aunt Annie
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