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How to write your college application essay

FourTrouble
Posts: 12,759
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2/12/2016 2:45:03 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
Write with your reader in mind.

Of course, this begs the question, who is your reader? The answer is, young graduates of the university to which you are applying. But not just any graduates. In general, your readers will be graduates who are failures in comparison with the rest of the student body at their university. After all, that's why they got a job on the admissions committee rather than the real world. This also means you can bet on your readers being communications majors.

This tells us what sorts of things your reader likes. Above all, sex. Your reader spends more time thinking about sex than anything else. So rather than tell your reader about how you overcame adversity, talk to them about sex. Write an essay about a funny sex story. Triple points for a self-deprecating sex story. But be careful: they probably don't care how much of a player you are. Don't try to impress them with your sexual conquests. But sure as fvck talk about the way you explored your individuality through BDSM. And don't shy away from talking about the pleasures of naked bodies. Show them how intellectually curious you are by telling them how sexually exploratory you are.

Now, don't forget that your reader is a communications major. That means he or she also likes postmodern theory. So include a Derrida joke or three. Tell them about your struggle to communicate in a world where all attempts at talking are necessarily rendered through a web of misunderstanding. And close by deconstructing some recent pop culture phenomena. Tell them how a Foucauldian interpretation of the transformer in Star Trek proves the existence of the patriarchy, or God, or something even more hilariously insane. Use the word "fvck" and "sh!t."

Follow this advice, and you'll easily get into better schools than you should, based on your grades and SAT score.
Rosalie
Posts: 4,612
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2/12/2016 2:49:10 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
At 2/12/2016 2:45:03 AM, FourTrouble wrote:
Write with your reader in mind.

Of course, this begs the question, who is your reader? The answer is, young graduates of the university to which you are applying. But not just any graduates. In general, your readers will be graduates who are failures in comparison with the rest of the student body at their university. After all, that's why they got a job on the admissions committee rather than the real world. This also means you can bet on your readers being communications majors.

This tells us what sorts of things your reader likes. Above all, sex. Your reader spends more time thinking about sex than anything else. So rather than tell your reader about how you overcame adversity, talk to them about sex. Write an essay about a funny sex story. Triple points for a self-deprecating sex story. But be careful: they probably don't care how much of a player you are. Don't try to impress them with your sexual conquests. But sure as fvck talk about the way you explored your individuality through BDSM. And don't shy away from talking about the pleasures of naked bodies. Show them how intellectually curious you are by telling them how sexually exploratory you are.

Now, don't forget that your reader is a communications major. That means he or she also likes postmodern theory. So include a Derrida joke or three. Tell them about your struggle to communicate in a world where all attempts at talking are necessarily rendered through a web of misunderstanding. And close by deconstructing some recent pop culture phenomena. Tell them how a Foucauldian interpretation of the transformer in Star Trek proves the existence of the patriarchy, or God, or something even more hilariously insane. Use the word "fvck" and "sh!t."

Follow this advice, and you'll easily get into better schools than you should, based on your grades and SAT score.

Did you drink tonight..?
" We need more videos of cat's playing the piano on the internet" - My art professor.

"Criticism is easier to take when you realize that the only people who aren't criticized are those who don't take risks." - Donald Trump

Officially Mrs. 16Kadams 8-30-16
Rosalie
Posts: 4,612
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2/12/2016 2:50:42 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
At 2/12/2016 2:49:51 AM, FourTrouble wrote:
At 2/12/2016 2:49:10 AM, Rosalie wrote:
Did you drink tonight..?

Nah, I'm on something else. It's more of a stimulant.

God damn you..
" We need more videos of cat's playing the piano on the internet" - My art professor.

"Criticism is easier to take when you realize that the only people who aren't criticized are those who don't take risks." - Donald Trump

Officially Mrs. 16Kadams 8-30-16
FourTrouble
Posts: 12,759
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2/12/2016 2:51:45 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
At 2/12/2016 2:50:42 AM, Rosalie wrote:
At 2/12/2016 2:49:51 AM, FourTrouble wrote:
At 2/12/2016 2:49:10 AM, Rosalie wrote:
Did you drink tonight..?

Nah, I'm on something else. It's more of a stimulant.

God damn you..

Why? I thought you wanted me to drink less...
Rosalie
Posts: 4,612
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2/12/2016 2:52:49 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
At 2/12/2016 2:51:45 AM, FourTrouble wrote:
At 2/12/2016 2:50:42 AM, Rosalie wrote:
At 2/12/2016 2:49:51 AM, FourTrouble wrote:
At 2/12/2016 2:49:10 AM, Rosalie wrote:
Did you drink tonight..?

Nah, I'm on something else. It's more of a stimulant.

God damn you..

Why? I thought you wanted me to drink less...

The goal was to become healthier so you could run this "marathon" you wanted...replacing alcohol with drugs isn't the answer..
" We need more videos of cat's playing the piano on the internet" - My art professor.

"Criticism is easier to take when you realize that the only people who aren't criticized are those who don't take risks." - Donald Trump

Officially Mrs. 16Kadams 8-30-16
bsh1
Posts: 27,504
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2/12/2016 2:53:55 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
Lol. This is great.
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