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wierdman
Posts: 721
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9/11/2011 11:49:34 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
I know it isn't great but that's why i am here. Please tell me things i could improve on, grammar issues, spelling issues or just plain wording.

"A man without ambition is dead. A man with ambition but no love is dead. A man with ambition and love for his blessings here on earth is ever so alive."

This quote by Pearl Bailey, accurately describes my personality in general. In many ways, I could see my self as a responsible individual, but i chose to represent my self as an ambitious person simply because it is like I mentioned earlier, the word that most accurately describes who i am as an individual. The fact is that I haven't always been the ambitious student who stands before you today. At one point in my life, i was a train reck. One with no direction or motive. I simply went by life without slowing down to properly evaluate my situation. After every nine weeks, my report card were filled with C's and D's and although I knew that they were unacceptable grades, I continued to hover above them, never striving to improve or take that step further into realizing that i could do better than that, tat i could be better than that. This continued for quite a while, days, weeks, even months passed and still no improvement. It wasn't until towards the end of the school year did i realize that if i didn't improve, i was going to end up a failure. Though i knew that it was too late to make any relevant changes to that particular school year, I stood up to the challenge, struggling to improve my grades, going to bed late at night simply because i was studying. I had an chance to better my life I wasn't going to let it pass by. It was this incentive that made me who i am today, it was this incentive that made me different from the rest of the student's. Although I would never let my self slack again, I like to recall this moment as the moment i finally found ambition, the moment that I realize that in this world, the only thing that sets you apart from the rest of the group is your success and to do so you must have ambition.
Thank you.
wierdman
Posts: 721
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9/12/2011 12:05:40 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/12/2011 12:02:12 AM, quarterexchange wrote:
Is this homework you put off all weekend that's due tommorow?

yes... please, i am desperate.
bluesteel
Posts: 12,301
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9/12/2011 12:06:41 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
"wreck" is with a w

If this is college essay, college admissions heads often say to write in SIMPLE terms, not flowery language. All that flowery writing about hovering over grades and striving to improve sounds like garbage. No offense.

This is a boring essay. You got a few C's and D's and then did better. That's the takeaway that I get at the moment. You should probably change topic, but if not, focus more on the emotions of getting those C's and D's and the process you went through to improve them, or a situation that showed where you had to make a hard choice between studying and doing something else important.
You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into - Jonathan Swift (paraphrase)
BlackVoid
Posts: 9,170
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9/12/2011 12:07:06 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/11/2011 11:49:34 PM, wierdman wrote:
I know it isn't great but that's why i am here. Please tell me things i could improve on, grammar issues, spelling issues or just plain wording.

"A man without ambition is dead. A man with ambition but no love is dead. A man with ambition and love for his blessings here on earth is ever so alive."

This quote by Pearl Bailey perfectly describes my personality. In many ways I could see myself as a responsible individual, but I choose to represent myself as an ambitious person simply because, as I mentioned earlier, the word that most accurately describes who I am as an individual. Now, I haven't always been the ambitious student who stands before you today. At one point in my life, I was a train wreck. No direction or motive. I simply went by life without slowing down to properly evaluate my situation. Every nine weeks, my report card would be filled with C's and D's, and though I knew that they were unacceptable grades, I continued to hover above them, never striving to improve or take that next step to realize that that I could be better than that. This situation continued for quite a while; days, weeks, even months passed and still no improvement. It wasn't until towards the end of the school year did I realize that if I didn't improve, I was going to end up a failure. Though it was too late to make any relevant changes to that particular year, I stood up to the challenge, struggling to improve my grades and going to bed late at night simply to study. I had an chance to better my life,and I wasn't going to let it pass by. It was this incentive that made me who I am today, it was this incentive that made me different from the rest of the students. Although I would never let my self slack again, I like to recall this moment as the moment I finally found ambition, the moment that I realize that, in this world, the only thing that sets you apart from the rest of the group is your success. And to do so you must have ambition.
Thank you.

Ok, I fixed grammatical errors and made minor changes to make it flow better. None of your I's were capitalized, make sure to work on that.
wierdman
Posts: 721
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9/12/2011 12:08:21 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/12/2011 12:06:41 AM, bluesteel wrote:
"wreck" is with a w

If this is college essay, college admissions heads often say to write in SIMPLE terms, not flowery language. All that flowery writing about hovering over grades and striving to improve sounds like garbage. No offense.

This is a boring essay. You got a few C's and D's and then did better. That's the takeaway that I get at the moment. You should probably change topic, but if not, focus more on the emotions of getting those C's and D's and the process you went through to improve them, or a situation that showed where you had to make a hard choice between studying and doing something else important.

its not a college essay, its a high school essay. Thanks for the advise.
000ike
Posts: 11,196
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9/12/2011 12:10:45 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/11/2011 11:49:34 PM, wierdman wrote:
I know it isn't great but that's why i am here. Please tell me things i could improve on, grammar issues, spelling issues or just plain wording.

"A man without ambition is dead. A man with ambition but no love is dead. A man with ambition and love for his blessings here on earth is ever so alive."

This quote by Pearl Bailey, (no comma) accurately describes my personality in general. In many ways, I could see my self (myself*) as a responsible individual, but i chose (choose* ****pick 1 tense throughout the essay) to represent my self as an ambitious person simply because it is like I mentioned earlier, the word that most accurately describes who i am as an individual. The fact is that I haven't (Have not ****No contractions in the formal essay or speech) always been the ambitious student who stands before you today. At one point in my life, i (Capital I) was a train reck (use of better vocabulary necessary). One with no direction or motive (fragment. Combine the sentences with a comma). I simply went by life without slowing down to properly evaluate my situation. After every nine weeks, my report card were(was) filled with C's and D's and although I knew that they were unacceptable grades, I continued to hover above them, never striving to improve or take that step further into realizing that i could do better than that, tat i could be better than that (repetition. Omit.). This continued for quite a while, days, weeks, even months passed and still no improvement (***...no improvement occurred"). It wasn't (was not) until towards the end of the school year did i (THAT I) realize (realized) that if i didn't (did not) improve, i was going to end up a failure. Though i knew that it was too late to make any relevant changes to that particular school year, I stood up to the challenge, struggling to improve my grades, going to bed late at night simply because i was studying. I had an (a) chance to better my life I wasn't (was not) going to let it pass by. It was this incentive that made me who i am today, it was this incentive that made me different from the rest of the student's (students, no apostrophe). Although I would never let my self (myself) slack again, I like to recall this moment as the moment (repetition change word,...to "time" for example) i (That I) finally found ambition, the moment that I realize (realized) that in this world, the only thing that sets you (change "you" to "one") apart from the rest of the group is your (his) success and to do so (add comma) you must have ambition.
Thank you.

There you go.
"A stupid despot may constrain his slaves with iron chains; but a true politician binds them even more strongly with the chain of their own ideas" - Michel Foucault
BlackVoid
Posts: 9,170
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9/12/2011 12:14:52 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
You need to focus more on the shift. Make at least three more sentences about why you decided to start putting a lot of effort into your work. Also, the theme seems to be ambition, but I don't see where thats really brought up. Working harder in the face of failure isn't ambition, its self-improvement.
BlackVoid
Posts: 9,170
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9/12/2011 12:15:56 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
And what 000ike said. I was going to list all the changes like he did but it was, ironically, too much work. Ike made a lot of the changes I did.
000ike
Posts: 11,196
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9/12/2011 12:17:29 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
replace the last part of the speech, which is:

"I realize that in this world, the only thing that sets you apart from the rest of the group is your success and to do so you must have ambition.
Thank you.
"

With......

" I realized that in this world, the only thing that sets ONE apart from the rest, (COMMA) is HIS success, (COMMA) and to acquire success, HE must have ambition."
"A stupid despot may constrain his slaves with iron chains; but a true politician binds them even more strongly with the chain of their own ideas" - Michel Foucault
Rusty
Posts: 2,109
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9/12/2011 12:19:56 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
I would change the first sentence to something near

These words, from the late actress and singer Pearl Bailey, accurately describe my personality.

Introducing the person might be a good idea. It depends on your audience though, I guess. I don't really know. Maybe it's too much.

Also, if this is going to be presented in front of your class, your classmates might hate you.

"The fact is that I haven't always been the ambitious student who stands before you today."

"...it was this incentive that made me different from the rest of the student's"

(The "stands before you today" is the only thing making me think that this might be part of an oral presentation. I can't tell if you're just using that as a common phrase.)
RoyLatham
Posts: 4,488
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9/12/2011 12:22:23 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/11/2011 11:49:34 PM, wierdman wrote:
I know it isn't great but that's why i am here. Please tell me things i could improve on, grammar issues, spelling issues or just plain wording.

"A man without ambition is dead. A man with ambition but no love is dead. A man with ambition and love for his blessings here on earth is ever so alive."

So said Pearl Bailey, and she might have been talking about me. In many ways, I see myself as responsible, but I choose to represent my self as ambitious because it most accurately describes who I am. I haven't always been the ambitious student who stands before you. At one point I was a train wreck. I lacked direction and motivation. I went through life without slowing down to evaluate my situation. Every nine weeks, my report cards were filled with C's and D's. I knew that they were unacceptable grades, but I hovered above them, never striving to improve. This continued for days, weeks, and months passed. Towards the end of the school year I realized that if I didn't improve, I would fail. Though I knew that it was too late to make big changes to that year, I faced the challenge, struggling to improve my grades, going to bed late because I was studying. I had a chance to better my life. and I wasn't going to let it pass. It was this realization that made me who I am today, and made me different from other students. Although I would never let myself slack again, I like to recall the moment I finally found ambition, the moment that I realized that in this world, the only thing that sets you apart from the rest of the group is your ambition. Ambition fosters success.
Thank you.

Catch the obvious mistakes yourself: "i" > "I," "my self" > "myself." Note that I edited out unneeded words. That increases the impact of the writing. Favor direct statement over indirect, "was going to" > "would."

You did a good job of expressing personal thoughts. That always wins over impersonal musing.
wierdman
Posts: 721
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9/12/2011 12:22:38 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
how about know?

"A man without ambition is dead. A man with ambition but no love is dead. A man with ambition and love for his blessings here on earth is ever so alive."

This quote by Pearl Bailey perfectly describes my personality. In many ways I could see myself as a responsible individual, but I choose to represent myself as an ambitious person simply because, as I mentioned earlier, the word that most accurately describes who I am as an individual. Now, I haven't always been the ambitious student who stands before you today. At one point in my life, I was a train wreck. No direction or motive. I simply went by life without slowing down to properly evaluate my situation. Every nine weeks, my report card would be filled with C's and D's, and though I knew that they were unacceptable grades, I continued to hover above them, never striving to improve or take that next step to realize that that I could be better than that. This situation continued for quite a while; days, weeks, even months passed and still no improvement. It wasn't until towards the end of the school year did I realize that if I didn't improve, I was going to end up a failure. Though it was too late to make any relevant changes to that particular year, I stood up to the challenge, struggling to improve my grades and going to bed late at night simply to study. This process was excruciating, I was unable to continue my debate carrier, I had to give up my social life, I stayed up all night doing past homework and i had to stay after school everyday for tutorials. Not only was I inclined to work during the school year, but I was also forced to go to summer school, were I would have to retake most of my classes. This meant that I had go to school during the summer, I missed my family vacation, and had to spend most of my time reading books and annotating papers. I had an chance to better my life I wasn't going to let it pass by. It was this incentive that made me who I am today, it was this incentive that made me different from the rest of the students. Although I would never let my self slack again, I like to recall this moment as the moment I finally found ambition, the moment that I realize that, in this world, the only thing that sets you apart from the rest of the group is your success. And to do so you must have ambition.
Rusty
Posts: 2,109
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9/12/2011 12:24:00 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/12/2011 12:07:06 AM, BlackVoid wrote:
At 9/11/2011 11:49:34 PM, wierdman wrote:
I know it isn't great but that's why i am here. Please tell me things i could improve on, grammar issues, spelling issues or just plain wording.

"A man without ambition is dead. A man with ambition but no love is dead. A man with ambition and love for his blessings here on earth is ever so alive."

This quote by Pearl Bailey perfectly describes my personality. In many ways I could see myself as a responsible individual, but I choose to represent myself as an ambitious person simply because, as I mentioned earlier, the word that most accurately describes who I am as an individual. Now, I haven't always been the ambitious student who stands before you today. At one point in my life, I was a train wreck. No direction or motive. I simply went by life without slowing down to properly evaluate my situation. Every nine weeks, my report card would be filled with C's and D's, and though I knew that they were unacceptable grades, I continued to hover above them, never striving to improve or take that next step to realize that that I could be better than that. This situation continued for quite a while; days, weeks, even months passed and still no improvement. It wasn't until towards the end of the school year did I realize that if I didn't improve, I was going to end up a failure. Though it was too late to make any relevant changes to that particular year, I stood up to the challenge, struggling to improve my grades and going to bed late at night simply to study. I had an chance to better my life,and I wasn't going to let it pass by. It was this incentive that made me who I am today, it was this incentive that made me different from the rest of the students. Although I would never let my self slack again, I like to recall this moment as the moment I finally found ambition, the moment that I realize that, in this world, the only thing that sets you apart from the rest of the group is your success. And to do so you must have ambition.
Thank you.

Ok, I fixed grammatical errors and made minor changes to make it flow better. None of your I's were capitalized, make sure to work on that.

That revised sentence doesn't work. =(
wierdman
Posts: 721
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9/12/2011 12:27:04 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
So said Pearl Bailey, and she might have been talking about me. In many ways, I see myself as responsible, but I choose to represent my self as ambitious because it most accurately describes who I am. I haven't always been the ambitious student who stands before you. At one point I was a train wreck. I lacked direction and motivation. I went through life without slowing down to evaluate my situation. Every nine weeks, my report cards were filled with C's and D's. I knew that they were unacceptable grades, but I hovered above them, never striving to improve. This continued for days, weeks, and months passed. Towards the end of the school year I realized that if I didn't improve, I would fail. Though I knew that it was too late to make big changes to that year, I faced the challenge, struggling to improve my grades, going to bed late because I was studying. This process was excruciating, I was unable to continue my debate carrier, I had to give up my social life, I stayed up all night doing past homework and i had to stay after school everyday for tutorials. Not only was I inclined to work during the school year, but I was also forced to go to summer school, were I would have to retake most of my classes. This meant that I had go to school during the summer, I missed my family vacation, and had to spend most of my time reading books and annotating papers. It was this realization that made me who I am today, and made me different from other students. Although I would never let myself slack again, I like to recall the moment I finally found ambition, the moment that I realized that in this world, the only thing that sets you apart from the rest of the group is your ambition. Ambition fosters success.

Now?
000ike
Posts: 11,196
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9/12/2011 12:29:29 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/12/2011 12:22:38 AM, wierdman wrote:
how about know?


"A man without ambition is dead. A man with ambition but no love is dead. A man with ambition and love for his blessings here on earth is ever so alive."

This quote by Pearl Bailey perfectly describes my personality. In many ways I could see myself as a responsible individual, but I choose to represent myself as an ambitious person simply because, as I mentioned earlier, the word that most accurately describes who I am as an individual. Now, I haven't always been the ambitious student who stands before you today. At one point in my life, I was a train wreck. No direction or motive. I simply went by life without slowing down to properly evaluate my situation. Every nine weeks, my report card would be filled with C's and D's, and though I knew that they were unacceptable grades, I continued to hover above them, never striving to improve or take that next step to realize that that I could be better than that. This situation continued for quite a while; days, weeks, even months passed and still no improvement. It wasn't until towards the end of the school year did I realize that if I didn't improve, I was going to end up a failure. Though it was too late to make any relevant changes to that particular year, I stood up to the challenge, struggling to improve my grades and going to bed late at night simply to study. This process was excruciating, I was unable to continue my debate carrier, I had to give up my social life, I stayed up all night doing past homework and i had to stay after school everyday for tutorials. Not only was I inclined to work during the school year, but I was also forced to go to summer school, were I would have to retake most of my classes. This meant that I had go to school during the summer, I missed my family vacation, and had to spend most of my time reading books and annotating papers. I had an chance to better my life I wasn't going to let it pass by. It was this incentive that made me who I am today, it was this incentive that made me different from the rest of the students. Although I would never let my self slack again, I like to recall this moment as the moment I finally found ambition, the moment that I realize that, in this world, the only thing that sets you apart from the rest of the group is your success. And to do so you must have ambition.

Edit: I like to recall this moment as the, time when I finally found ambition, the moment that I realized that in this world, the only thing that sets one apart from the rest of the group is his success, and to acquire success, one must have ambition.
"A stupid despot may constrain his slaves with iron chains; but a true politician binds them even more strongly with the chain of their own ideas" - Michel Foucault
Rusty
Posts: 2,109
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9/12/2011 12:30:29 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/12/2011 12:22:38 AM, wierdman wrote:
how about know?


"A man without ambition is dead. A man with ambition but no love is dead. A man with ambition and love for his blessings here on earth is ever so alive."

This quote by Pearl Bailey perfectly describes my personality. In many ways I could see myself as a responsible individual, but I choose to represent myself as an ambitious person simply because, as I mentioned earlier, the word that most accurately describes who I am as an individual. Now, I haven't always been the ambitious student who stands before you today. At one point in my life, I was a train wreck. No direction or motive. I simply went by life without slowing down to properly evaluate my situation. Every nine weeks, my report card would be filled with C's and D's, and though I knew that they were unacceptable grades, I continued to hover above them, never striving to improve or take that next step to realize that that I could be better than that. This situation continued for quite a while; days, weeks, even months passed and still no improvement. It wasn't until towards the end of the school year did I realize that if I didn't improve, I was going to end up a failure (<--The start of this sentence sounds awkward.). Though it was too late to make any relevant changes to that particular year, I stood up to the challenge, struggling to improve my grades and going to bed late at night simply to study. This process was excruciating, I was unable to continue my debate carrier, I had to give up my social life, I stayed up all night doing past homework and i had to stay after school everyday for tutorials. Not only was I inclined to work during the school year, but I was also forced to go to summer school, were I would have to retake most of my classes. This meant that I had go to school during the summer, I missed my family vacation, and had to spend most of my time reading books and annotating papers. I had an chance to better my life (should "and" be here?) I wasn't going to let it pass by. It was this incentive that made me who I am today, it was this incentive that made me different from the rest of the students. Although I would never let my self slack again, I like to recall this moment as the moment I finally found ambition, the moment that I realize that, in this world, the only thing that sets you apart from the rest of the group is your success. And to do so you must have ambition.

I'm sure I missed things. The underlined spots needs some attention.
Rusty
Posts: 2,109
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9/12/2011 12:30:47 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/12/2011 12:30:29 AM, Rusty wrote:
At 9/12/2011 12:22:38 AM, wierdman wrote:
how about know?


"A man without ambition is dead. A man with ambition but no love is dead. A man with ambition and love for his blessings here on earth is ever so alive."

This quote by Pearl Bailey perfectly describes my personality. In many ways I could see myself as a responsible individual, but I choose to represent myself as an ambitious person simply because, as I mentioned earlier, the word that most accurately describes who I am as an individual. Now, I haven't always been the ambitious student who stands before you today. At one point in my life, I was a train wreck. No direction or motive. I simply went by life without slowing down to properly evaluate my situation. Every nine weeks, my report card would be filled with C's and D's, and though I knew that they were unacceptable grades, I continued to hover above them, never striving to improve or take that next step to realize that that I could be better than that. This situation continued for quite a while; days, weeks, even months passed and still no improvement. It wasn't until towards the end of the school year did I realize that if I didn't improve, I was going to end up a failure (<--The start of this sentence sounds awkward.). Though it was too late to make any relevant changes to that particular year, I stood up to the challenge, struggling to improve my grades and going to bed late at night simply to study. This process was excruciating, I was unable to continue my debate carrier, I had to give up my social life, I stayed up all night doing past homework and i had to stay after school everyday for tutorials. Not only was I inclined to work during the school year, but I was also forced to go to summer school, were I would have to retake most of my classes. This meant that I had go to school during the summer, I missed my family vacation, and had to spend most of my time reading books and annotating papers. I had an chance to better my life (should "and" be here?) I wasn't going to let it pass by. It was this incentive that made me who I am today, it was this incentive that made me different from the rest of the students. Although I would never let my self slack again, I like to recall this moment as the moment I finally found ambition, the moment that I realize that, in this world, the only thing that sets you apart from the rest of the group is your success. And to do so you must have ambition.

I'm sure I missed things. The underlined spots need some attention.

Fixed.
Rusty
Posts: 2,109
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9/12/2011 12:31:55 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/12/2011 12:29:29 AM, 000ike wrote:
At 9/12/2011 12:22:38 AM, wierdman wrote:
how about know?


"A man without ambition is dead. A man with ambition but no love is dead. A man with ambition and love for his blessings here on earth is ever so alive."

This quote by Pearl Bailey perfectly describes my personality. In many ways I could see myself as a responsible individual, but I choose to represent myself as an ambitious person simply because, as I mentioned earlier, the word that most accurately describes who I am as an individual. Now, I haven't always been the ambitious student who stands before you today. At one point in my life, I was a train wreck. No direction or motive. I simply went by life without slowing down to properly evaluate my situation. Every nine weeks, my report card would be filled with C's and D's, and though I knew that they were unacceptable grades, I continued to hover above them, never striving to improve or take that next step to realize that that I could be better than that. This situation continued for quite a while; days, weeks, even months passed and still no improvement. It wasn't until towards the end of the school year did I realize that if I didn't improve, I was going to end up a failure. Though it was too late to make any relevant changes to that particular year, I stood up to the challenge, struggling to improve my grades and going to bed late at night simply to study. This process was excruciating, I was unable to continue my debate carrier, I had to give up my social life, I stayed up all night doing past homework and i had to stay after school everyday for tutorials. Not only was I inclined to work during the school year, but I was also forced to go to summer school, were I would have to retake most of my classes. This meant that I had go to school during the summer, I missed my family vacation, and had to spend most of my time reading books and annotating papers. I had an chance to better my life I wasn't going to let it pass by. It was this incentive that made me who I am today, it was this incentive that made me different from the rest of the students. Although I would never let my self slack again, I like to recall this moment as the moment I finally found ambition, the moment that I realize that, in this world, the only thing that sets you apart from the rest of the group is your success. And to do so you must have ambition.


Edit: I like to recall this moment as the, time when I finally found ambition, the moment that I realized that in this world, the only thing that sets one apart from the rest of the group is his success, and to acquire success, one must have ambition.

Why a comma before time?
000ike
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9/12/2011 12:33:53 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
oh, thats a typo xp
"A stupid despot may constrain his slaves with iron chains; but a true politician binds them even more strongly with the chain of their own ideas" - Michel Foucault
000ike
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9/12/2011 12:35:47 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
don't forget to get rid of those contractions.
"A stupid despot may constrain his slaves with iron chains; but a true politician binds them even more strongly with the chain of their own ideas" - Michel Foucault