Total Posts:12|Showing Posts:1-12
Jump to topic:

11 phrases your supposed to never say...

Marauder
Posts: 3,271
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/21/2011 11:45:11 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
I have been reading a book lately called "Verba-Judo, The Gentle Art of Persuasion"

In it the author gives 11 phrases your supposed to never say if your trying to avoid getting people mad and keep them cooperative.

Phrase#1 "Come Here!"

apparently this phrase is taken as vaguely threatening when herd by most, indicating "you haven't obeyed me so now I'm ordering you to move were I want you too"

Phrase#2 "You Wouldn't Understand"
No matter who this is said to, it puts the listener off, you can almost here the implied "..,stupid" at the end of the phrase.

Phrase#3"Because those are the rules"
You need to honor your listener with an explanation when they ask why. if you fall back on "because those are the rules" you will get judged as insensitive and uncaring. It makes it seem you are more concerned with your own authority the other persons welfare

Phrase#4 "It's none of your Business"
Usually said by a frustrated parent, but sometimes heard among friends too. this phrase angers people because it brands them as outsiders and brusquely cuts them off.

Phrase#5 "What do you want Me to do About it"
This phrase is taken as a dodging of responsibility. when you say it you end up with two problems with your listener. the one you already had when they came to complain to you in the first place and the one you just made by appearing like your trying to evade work.

Phrase#6 "Calm Down!!!"
This command flat out does not do what, it actually tends to make the listener even more upset. "calm down" is criticism of the listeners behavior and implies they have no right to be upset. Rather then reassuring them things will get better (your supposed goal) you have made a new problem. the first problem was what they were upset about, the new one is now they feel they need to defend there reaction to you.

Phrase#7 "What's Your Problem?"
This snotty useless phrase turns the problem back on the one in need of help. It makes it a "you Vs me" battle rather than a "us" discussion. The word 'problem' makes the listener feel deficient or helpless. No one likes admitting they have a problem, they would rather think of solutions. 'whats your problem?' can cause a person feel they have already failed.

Phrase#8 "You never.../You always.."

Absolute generalizations like this are strait up lies (or incorrect for whatever other reason). Is it true that your spouse literally 'always' loses everything? These accusatory generalizations are rarely true and indicate that you have lost perspective and will soon lose the attention of your listener. Tell someone they never listen to you and they will either remind you of the occasions they have or be tempted to prove you right and ignore you. Phrase#8 leaves the listener angry and feeling there is no way to ever please you.

Phrase#9 "I'm not going to say this again"
This phrase is usually a lie cause its often followed up by saying what you said you wouldn't say again. This threat traps you, because if your not really going to repeat yourself your left with one option; Action. If your not prepared to act, you lose credibility. If you are going to really act, you just tipped of your adversary in advance of it and they can plan against it.

Phrase#10 "I'm doing this for your own good"
This phrase tends to turn the listener into an instant cynic. no one believes it when its not said with reasons that show how or why what your doing is for the persons good.

Phrase#11 "Why don't you be Reasonable?"
this does not even have to be said in a angry tone to turn any listener off. have you ever herd anyone come to you and say "you know what? I'm in way out there today, totally irrational"
a person might be aware that there forgetful or flaky, but they will not be willing to admit there unreasonable.

So those are the phrases George J. Thompson considers 'fighting words' and counter productive to persuading others. What do ya'll think? could you ever make yourself cut them from your vocabulary to more effectively communicate, or do you have problems with some of the phrases on this list?
One act of Rebellion created all the darkness and evil in the world; One life of Total Obedience created a path back to eternity and God.

A Scout is Obedient.
brian_eggleston
Posts: 3,347
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/22/2011 4:45:19 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
Things not to say to a drunken thug holding a cricket bat with nails hammered through it outside a pub:

"Don't you see, it's not me you're angry with, it's yourself."

"Yeah, I've had your mum and I've had your sister as well and they were both crap."

"What are doing here? The gay bar is down the road."
Visit the burglars' bulletin board: http://www.break-in-news.com...
Cerebral_Narcissist
Posts: 10,806
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/22/2011 2:27:05 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
Those may be taboo phrases for persuasion, but for commanding people that's different.
I am voting for Innomen because of his intelligence, common sense, humility and the fact that Juggle appears to listen to him. Any other Presidential style would have a large sub-section of the site up in arms. If I was President I would destroy the site though elitism, others would let it run riot. Innomen represents a middle way that works, neither draconian nor anarchic and that is the only way things can work. Plus he does it all without ego trips.
bluesteel
Posts: 12,301
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/22/2011 2:31:47 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
It seems like you could remove "come here" and have a nice even 10...
You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into - Jonathan Swift (paraphrase)
Marauder
Posts: 3,271
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/22/2011 8:59:32 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/22/2011 2:27:05 PM, Cerebral_Narcissist wrote:
Those may be taboo phrases for persuasion, but for commanding people that's different.

Is it?
I mean yeah it would preferably work out different if the people you got to command were the kind that understand things like respect, honor, cooperation, ect... but how do you tell a difficult person what to do?

the man that wrote the book I got this list from came up with a lot of what he calls verbal judo working in the police force. "Come here!" was the first on his list because he said in his experience it causes the street people to run. but he could make them more cooperative and do whatever business he needed done with them if instead of shouting "Come here!" he approached them and said "excuse me, but I need to chat with you a sec"

the author divided people into three basic categories when it came to persuasion. Nice people, Difficult people, and Wimps.
the nice people are cooperative and head what a officer ask of them. Difficult always ask why and they don't care if your a police officer and have legitimate authority they are not quick to obey it. Wimps he said were the hardest to deal with because on the surface they talk like nice people but really there a difficult person underneath. they don't resist upfront, they plot revenge.

if your trying to command a difficult person I think persuasion would remain an important aspect of the command.

good commanders might get by without being persuasive, but I bet the best ones are persuasive.
One act of Rebellion created all the darkness and evil in the world; One life of Total Obedience created a path back to eternity and God.

A Scout is Obedient.
Marauder
Posts: 3,271
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/22/2011 9:08:34 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/22/2011 2:31:47 PM, bluesteel wrote:
It seems like you could remove "come here" and have a nice even 10...

though the book cites an example from the writers experience in police work, I kind of have a hard time thinking of how "come here" translates as so bad any other walk of life too.

but maybe if the phrase has such a negative impact in such an extreme situation when your dealing with a law officer, maybe that shows a deeper level that normally is covered in regular day to day situation when 'come here' is said it sets an abrasive attitude toward the speaker.
One act of Rebellion created all the darkness and evil in the world; One life of Total Obedience created a path back to eternity and God.

A Scout is Obedient.
innomen
Posts: 10,052
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/23/2011 2:25:29 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/21/2011 11:45:11 PM, Marauder wrote:
I have been reading a book lately called "Verba-Judo, The Gentle Art of Persuasion"

In it the author gives 11 phrases your supposed to never say if your trying to avoid getting people mad and keep them cooperative.

Phrase#1 "Come Here!"


change to "I need you". makes em feel needed.

Phrase#2 "You Wouldn't Understand"

Change to: "You don't need to waste your time with this", being considerate of them.

Phrase#3"Because those are the rules"

Change to: "I think it's in our best interest", you're in it together.

Phrase#4 "It's none of your Business"

Again: "You really wouldn't be interested, it's boring", looking out for them again.

Phrase#5 "What do you want Me to do About it"

To: "Let's see what we can do about it", helpful.


Phrase#6 "Calm Down!!!"

To: "I understand you're upset, you have reason to be", much better.


Phrase#7 "What's Your Problem?"

To: "You okay?" better.


Phrase#8 "You never.../You always.."


to: "I need your help, because sometimes you..." always ask for help, they like that.

Phrase#9 "I'm not going to say this again"

to: "I appologize, i should have made it clear, my fault" no way to get angry at that.

Phrase#10 "I'm doing this for your own good"

Sometimes saying nothing is better than saying something.

Phrase#11 "Why don't you be Reasonable?"

To: "I'm having a difficult time understanding, can you help?" better.
.


Always avoid "Yeah but", or just the word but. 'But' when inserted into a sentence nullifies the statement that precedes it.
OMGJustinBieber
Posts: 3,484
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/23/2011 4:11:54 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
Phrase#2 "You Wouldn't Understand"
No matter who this is said to, it puts the listener off, you can almost here the implied "..,stupid" at the end of the phrase.

My personal favorite. Perfect for already heated political and religious discussions.
PARADIGM_L0ST
Posts: 6,958
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/23/2011 5:30:23 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/22/2011 9:08:34 PM, Marauder wrote:
At 9/22/2011 2:31:47 PM, bluesteel wrote:
It seems like you could remove "come here" and have a nice even 10...

though the book cites an example from the writers experience in police work, I kind of have a hard time thinking of how "come here" translates as so bad any other walk of life too.:

It's demeaning, and it sets a negative tone for the remainder of the interaction. Always start at the lowest level possible to gain compliance.
"Have you ever considered suicide? If not, please do." -- Mouthwash (to Inferno)
Marauder
Posts: 3,271
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/24/2011 12:09:06 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/23/2011 2:25:29 PM, innomen wrote:
At 9/21/2011 11:45:11 PM, Marauder wrote:
I have been reading a book lately called "Verba-Judo, The Gentle Art of Persuasion"

In it the author gives 11 phrases your supposed to never say if your trying to avoid getting people mad and keep them cooperative.

Phrase#1 "Come Here!"


change to "I need you". makes em feel needed.

Phrase#2 "You Wouldn't Understand"

Change to: "You don't need to waste your time with this", being considerate of them.

Phrase#3"Because those are the rules"

Change to: "I think it's in our best interest", you're in it together.

Phrase#4 "It's none of your Business"

Again: "You really wouldn't be interested, it's boring", looking out for them again.

Phrase#5 "What do you want Me to do About it"

To: "Let's see what we can do about it", helpful.
Or perhaps 'Let me direct you to who can help you.." for when you already know you are not in a position to give the person the help they are looking for.


Phrase#6 "Calm Down!!!"

To: "I understand you're upset, you have reason to be", much better.


Phrase#7 "What's Your Problem?"

To: "You okay?" better.


Phrase#8 "You never.../You always.."


to: "I need your help, because sometimes you..." always ask for help, they like that.

Phrase#9 "I'm not going to say this again"

to: "I appologize, i should have made it clear, my fault" no way to get angry at that.

Phrase#10 "I'm doing this for your own good"

Sometimes saying nothing is better than saying something.

Phrase#11 "Why don't you be Reasonable?"

To: "I'm having a difficult time understanding, can you help?" better.
.


Always avoid "Yeah but", or just the word but. 'But' when inserted into a sentence nullifies the statement that precedes it.

a lot of these alternate responses you gave are actually the same the author gave in the book. all with the same theme too of making sure your answers and responses all show empathy and concern for the listener.
One act of Rebellion created all the darkness and evil in the world; One life of Total Obedience created a path back to eternity and God.

A Scout is Obedient.
innomen
Posts: 10,052
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/24/2011 2:44:53 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 9/24/2011 12:09:06 AM, Marauder wrote:
At 9/23/2011 2:25:29 PM, innomen wrote:
At 9/21/2011 11:45:11 PM, Marauder wrote:
I have been reading a book lately called "Verba-Judo, The Gentle Art of Persuasion"

In it the author gives 11 phrases your supposed to never say if your trying to avoid getting people mad and keep them cooperative.

Phrase#1 "Come Here!"


change to "I need you". makes em feel needed.

Phrase#2 "You Wouldn't Understand"

Change to: "You don't need to waste your time with this", being considerate of them.

Phrase#3"Because those are the rules"

Change to: "I think it's in our best interest", you're in it together.

Phrase#4 "It's none of your Business"

Again: "You really wouldn't be interested, it's boring", looking out for them again.

Phrase#5 "What do you want Me to do About it"

To: "Let's see what we can do about it", helpful.
Or perhaps 'Let me direct you to who can help you.." for when you already know you are not in a position to give the person the help they are looking for.


Phrase#6 "Calm Down!!!"

To: "I understand you're upset, you have reason to be", much better.


Phrase#7 "What's Your Problem?"

To: "You okay?" better.


Phrase#8 "You never.../You always.."


to: "I need your help, because sometimes you..." always ask for help, they like that.

Phrase#9 "I'm not going to say this again"

to: "I appologize, i should have made it clear, my fault" no way to get angry at that.

Phrase#10 "I'm doing this for your own good"

Sometimes saying nothing is better than saying something.

Phrase#11 "Why don't you be Reasonable?"

To: "I'm having a difficult time understanding, can you help?" better.
.


Always avoid "Yeah but", or just the word but. 'But' when inserted into a sentence nullifies the statement that precedes it.

a lot of these alternate responses you gave are actually the same the author gave in the book. all with the same theme too of making sure your answers and responses all show empathy and concern for the listener.

I'm a good salesman.