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Favorite jokes

sadolite
Posts: 8,842
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10/5/2011 6:10:42 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
How are women and a pile of dog crap alike?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up !!!!!!!!!!
It's not your views that divide us, it's what you think my views should be that divides us.

If you think I will give up my rights and forsake social etiquette to make you "FEEL" better you are sadly mistaken

If liberal democrats would just stop shooting people gun violence would drop by 90%
000ike
Posts: 11,196
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10/5/2011 6:11:58 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 10/5/2011 6:10:42 PM, sadolite wrote:
How are women and a pile of dog crap alike?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up !!!!!!!!!!

You would pick up old ladies? O_o
"A stupid despot may constrain his slaves with iron chains; but a true politician binds them even more strongly with the chain of their own ideas" - Michel Foucault
Greyparrot
Posts: 14,324
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10/5/2011 6:12:52 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 10/5/2011 6:11:58 PM, 000ike wrote:
At 10/5/2011 6:10:42 PM, sadolite wrote:
How are women and a pile of dog crap alike?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up !!!!!!!!!!

You would pick up old ladies? O_o

Throw the small ones back...catch and release.
sadolite
Posts: 8,842
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10/5/2011 7:42:23 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 10/5/2011 6:11:58 PM, 000ike wrote:
At 10/5/2011 6:10:42 PM, sadolite wrote:
How are women and a pile of dog crap alike?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up !!!!!!!!!!

You would pick up old ladies? O_o

Were you just born an ahole or did your your daddy teach you. Don't make comments on my posts. You are a tiresome punk with nothing to say other than to insult other people without cause. Your day will come and some one with in arms reach will hand you your guts.
It's not your views that divide us, it's what you think my views should be that divides us.

If you think I will give up my rights and forsake social etiquette to make you "FEEL" better you are sadly mistaken

If liberal democrats would just stop shooting people gun violence would drop by 90%
000ike
Posts: 11,196
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10/5/2011 7:44:24 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 10/5/2011 7:42:23 PM, sadolite wrote:
At 10/5/2011 6:11:58 PM, 000ike wrote:
At 10/5/2011 6:10:42 PM, sadolite wrote:
How are women and a pile of dog crap alike?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up !!!!!!!!!!

You would pick up old ladies? O_o

Were you just born an ahole or did your your daddy teach you. Don't make comments on my posts. You are a tiresome punk with nothing to say other than to insult other people without cause. Your day will come and some one with in arms reach will hand you your guts.

It was a joke.
"A stupid despot may constrain his slaves with iron chains; but a true politician binds them even more strongly with the chain of their own ideas" - Michel Foucault
Man-is-good
Posts: 6,871
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10/5/2011 7:45:39 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know."

From Animal Crackers: http://en.wikipedia.org...
"Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto." --Terence

"I believe that the mind can be permanently profaned by the habit of attending to trivial things, so that all our thoughts shall be tinged with triviality."--Thoreau
BlackVoid
Posts: 9,170
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10/5/2011 11:40:30 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
One day a captain was leading his ship and fellow sailors into battle. The first mate says "Captain, enemy battle ship on the horizon!"

"Very well. Bring me my red shirt."

The first mate was puzzled but did as the captain asked. The captain put the shirt on and the crew went into battle. They dominated the opposition, not losing a single man and taking out the entire enemy ship.

After the battle, the first mate asked, "Hey, you know that thing about the red shirt? What was that about?."

"I wore a red shirt so that if I was shot, and was bleeding, the crew would not notice and would continue to fight."

"Wow, thats actually pretty cool." And they both went to bed.

The next day, the first mate screams, "Captain! 12 enemy ships on the horizon!!!

"Very well. First mate, bring me my brown pants."
phantom
Posts: 6,774
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10/6/2011 12:55:49 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
Black Voids is my favorite of the other jokes. Here's one of my personal favorites though.

"Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy
and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought
to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentleman, he would never go for this
carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she
lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be
late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and
the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any
ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and
before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably
sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and
exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He
then blindfolded
her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he
was about to remove the blindfold from his wife,the telephone rang. He made
her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to
answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she
seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was
not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in
front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her
vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which
reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her
ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for
another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her
freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on
her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was
the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so
long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At
this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy
Birthday"!!!"
"Music is a zen-like ecstatic state where you become the new man of the future, the Nietzschean merger of Apollo and Dionysus." Ray Manzarek (The Doors)
BlackVoid
Posts: 9,170
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10/6/2011 1:36:36 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
o.O thats terrible phantom. Just terrible...

I'll throw another one out there.

I was actually seeing this girl for about six weeks, but then somebody took the binoculars out of my truck.
Cerebral_Narcissist
Posts: 10,806
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10/10/2011 5:55:09 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
There was a Jewish village in Tsarist Russia, one day came the terrible news that people had found a dead girl in the area. The village was full of fear knowing that the locals would blame them. The Rabbi set forth in a vain effort to talk to the locals. The very next day he returned, his face full of glee. "Goods news everyone! The girl was Jewish".

(This is an actual Russian Jewish joke).
I am voting for Innomen because of his intelligence, common sense, humility and the fact that Juggle appears to listen to him. Any other Presidential style would have a large sub-section of the site up in arms. If I was President I would destroy the site though elitism, others would let it run riot. Innomen represents a middle way that works, neither draconian nor anarchic and that is the only way things can work. Plus he does it all without ego trips.
phantom
Posts: 6,774
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10/10/2011 1:50:34 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. A man came up to them and told them that their was a magical slide that when you slide down it whatever you said on the way down, you would land in a big cauldron full of it.

The brunette went down and said "money", so She landed in a cauldron full of money.

The red head slid down and said "make up" so she landed in the cauldron full of make up.

When the blonde went down the slide she delightedly shouted "wheeeeee!".
"Music is a zen-like ecstatic state where you become the new man of the future, the Nietzschean merger of Apollo and Dionysus." Ray Manzarek (The Doors)
innomen
Posts: 10,052
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10/10/2011 2:04:27 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 10/5/2011 11:40:30 PM, BlackVoid wrote:
One day a captain was leading his ship and fellow sailors into battle. The first mate says "Captain, enemy battle ship on the horizon!"

"Very well. Bring me my red shirt."

The first mate was puzzled but did as the captain asked. The captain put the shirt on and the crew went into battle. They dominated the opposition, not losing a single man and taking out the entire enemy ship.

After the battle, the first mate asked, "Hey, you know that thing about the red shirt? What was that about?."

"I wore a red shirt so that if I was shot, and was bleeding, the crew would not notice and would continue to fight."

"Wow, thats actually pretty cool." And they both went to bed.

The next day, the first mate screams, "Captain! 12 enemy ships on the horizon!!!

"Very well. First mate, bring me my brown pants."

There is a much better version of that using the British and their redcoats, and the French and their brown pants. Much funnier when it's the French.
Jon1
Posts: 314
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10/10/2011 3:42:47 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 10/10/2011 5:55:09 AM, Cerebral_Narcissist wrote:
There was a Jewish village in Tsarist Russia, one day came the terrible news that people had found a dead girl in the area. The village was full of fear knowing that the locals would blame them. The Rabbi set forth in a vain effort to talk to the locals. The very next day he returned, his face full of glee. "Goods news everyone! The girl was Jewish".

(This is an actual Russian Jewish joke).

Love it. Here, I found anoer jewish joke:
A Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself. An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed. On the sixth hole, God caused a mighty wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the cup — a miraculous shot.
The angel was horrified. "A hole in one!" he exclaimed, "You call this a punishment, Lord?!"
Answered God with a sly smile, "So who can he tell?"
RoyLatham
Posts: 4,488
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10/16/2011 9:47:01 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
A man and his wife appear in front of the judge in Divorce Court. The man is 97 and his wife s 95.

The man says, "Our marriage is intolerable, and we need to end it."

His wife agrees, "Yes, this can't go on. It's been terrible for a long time."

The Judge then asks, "If it's so bad why have you stuck it out into your 90's?"

"Well, we thought we'd wait until the children died."