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First kiss, and the drama

Cermank
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4/8/2012 2:48:06 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
Okay, I have no idea what I should do. I don't think so much drama has ever entered my life in such a short span of time. And sorry it's going to be a little long.

To start off, there is this guy, A, who is a very very good friend of mine. Almost my best friend, for me, at least- but we had never talked about our relationship as such. I just thought it was common knowledge that we were really good buds. We crack dirty jokes and rate males females and all- so that's friendship, right? Not romantic in any way.

Anyway, last wednesday, I had a really long day at college. Like, my college got over at 11:30, and I had to stay till 1 because my coaching was at 1:30 and I didn't have time to return home and go back to coaching. So, we were goofing off and stuff, which was not a good idea because I was positively exhausted when I reached coaching. The class got extended, and it got over at 5. I just want to impress that I was really tired by this time and my brain was in a kind of drowsy mode. Now at this time- 'A' asked me explain the toipic to him- because 'I don't understand any of it'. The ISLM model, which- for all who know, is a pretty wide topic. I tried to get out of it, told him I'll explain on phone and all: but he was pretty much persistant. ' I'll fail... it's pretty important... I have a college test.. and all'. So, I said okay, and tried explaining it to him, reluctantly. As I got to the Money supply portion- I closed my eyes and covered them with my hand- and felt him kiss me. And don't ask why- I wasn't thinking- I kissed him back. (Just a note- no tongue action).

One minute into the kiss, I think, I felt his hand at my waist and came to my senses. Sort of pushed him back, and took my bag and ran out the door.

I wish this was the end. THE VERY SAME DAY, another girl- who is again a very good friend of mine, told me she liked him and asked me to ask HIM about her. I absolutely refused, but she kind of begged, and pulled the emotional strings, and I said i'll think about it, to get out of the talk.

I'm avoiding both their calls for the last two days. I have to go back next Wednesday. I have a test tomorrow. Help.
Cermank
Posts: 3,773
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4/8/2012 2:49:32 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
And please don't ban this account, this is just for asking this question- I don't want the situation to be associated with my sort of active account- which is known to people in my RL. This will not be used for trolling.
BlackVoid
Posts: 9,170
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4/8/2012 3:12:29 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
This post assumes that you're not interested in the guy romantically.

As far as the "A" goes, 1. Not sure why he did that. Apparently you have been friends forever, so I dont see why he would think "friends" magically turns into something else unless you had been giving signals (which I assume you weren't). But 2. Just tell him you're not interested in that way (if you aren't). Its what I would want if I were in his position. Don't just give subtle signals that you're not interested (like avoiding him) and make him have to analyze you all the time, because he's already shown he's bad at it. Just tell him. Again, ask any guy here, we'd rather have that then to have someone act all nonchalant and beat around the bush about it.

It might be a little awkward for a couple weeks when you guys see each other after that, but he's a guy. We get over stuff easily. Ideally you'll be able to laugh about it later.

As for the other issue, im not sure - someone else should have an opinion.
Cermank
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4/8/2012 3:31:50 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 4/8/2012 3:12:29 AM, BlackVoid wrote:
This post assumes that you're not interested in the guy romantically.

Yeah, I've thought about it. I don't think I should.

As far as the "A" goes, 1. Not sure why he did that. Apparently you have been friends forever, so I dont see why he would think "friends" magically turns into something else unless you had been giving signals (which I assume you weren't).

It was one of those peck-anticipation- and then again peck. Only after I kissed him back did he begin the actual kiss. It was sort of a really stupid test, I think.

But 2. Just tell him you're not interested in that way (if you aren't). Its what I would want if I were in his position. Don't just give subtle signals that you're not interested (like avoiding him) and make him have to analyze you all the time, because he's already shown he's bad at it. Just tell him. Again, ask any guy here, we'd rather have that then to have someone act all nonchalant and beat around the bush about it.

Yes, that's true. But I don't think I'm ready to have one of the- 'But-why-did-you-kiss-me-back' talks. Will saying I was exhausted and not thinking straight suffice? Or would it be too harsh? It's the truth.

It might be a little awkward for a couple weeks when you guys see each other after that, but he's a guy. We get over stuff easily. Ideally you'll be able to laugh about it later.

I hope so. He's a really good friend.

As for the other issue, im not sure - someone else should have an opinion.
Maikuru
Posts: 9,112
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4/8/2012 3:39:49 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
I'm not sure how much I trust your story but it's late so whatever.

First of all, you need to understand why you participated in the kiss at all, especially for so long. I've been tired before and don't recall making out with my friends. I'm not sure how that would even happen. Still, be sure that really is the reason and there aren't any budding feelings there or something else going on.

Whatever you settle on as the reason, be honest with him. If you decide you're interested, congrats; seems like he's down. If you aren't interested, BV is right; you should tell him now and be straightforward about it. Being vague, avoiding the topic, and/or avoiding him isn't fair to him and will only hurt the friendship.

As for your friend, that really isn't your concern. If you must settle it, just tell her to talk to him herself. Maybe he'll fall for her instead and everything will work out perfectly. I love it when a plan comes together.
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BlackVoid
Posts: 9,170
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4/8/2012 3:46:06 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
The kissing back thing makes it complicated, but doesnt change the process. You're going to have the "why did you kiss back" talk at some point regardless. If you start avoiding him and acting uncomfortable for a few days, he's going to ask you whats up, and then you'll have to have the talk anyway. Might as well get it over with now and spare yourself the awkwardness of trying to avoid him for the next few days.
Cermank
Posts: 3,773
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4/9/2012 8:15:08 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 4/8/2012 3:39:49 AM, Maikuru wrote:
I'm not sure how much I trust your story but it's late so whatever.

First of all, you need to understand why you participated in the kiss at all, especially for so long. I've been tired before and don't recall making out with my friends. I'm not sure how that would even happen. Still, be sure that really is the reason and there aren't any budding feelings there or something else going on.

It's an estimate. Maybe it just seemed long- it was in a class, and I was pretty confused. And yeah, it's not a common occurrence, so probably many people wont have experienced it.

Whatever you settle on as the reason, be honest with him. If you decide you're interested, congrats; seems like he's down. If you aren't interested, BV is right; you should tell him now and be straightforward about it. Being vague, avoiding the topic, and/or avoiding him isn't fair to him and will only hurt the friendship.

At this point, I am not even sure I want to be his friend. Anyway- thanks for the advice- it cleared up a lot of things.

As for your friend, that really isn't your concern. If you must settle it, just tell her to talk to him herself. Maybe he'll fall for her instead and everything will work out perfectly. I love it when a plan comes together.

Yeah, easier said. However, it seems to be the only option. Thanks again.
Thaddeus
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4/9/2012 9:48:47 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 4/9/2012 8:15:58 AM, Cermank wrote:
At 4/8/2012 2:08:55 PM, Thaddeus wrote:
Burn his house down =)

Of course. The perfect Thad solution.

You can't be Oryus =O
Lickdafoot
Posts: 5,599
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4/9/2012 9:55:52 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 4/9/2012 8:15:08 AM, Cermank wrote:
At this point, I am not even sure I want to be his friend. Anyway- thanks for the advice- it cleared up a lot of things.

Aww. This guy was one of your best friends. Do you really want to lose that over a kiss? The truth is, most guys who are your friends want you. It's just how they are. If you really care about him as a friend, you have to suck it up and talk to him. Be honest. Tell him that you got wrapped up in the moment and weren't thinking straight.
WAKE UP AND READ THIS: http://www.debate.org...
Cermank
Posts: 3,773
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4/9/2012 9:57:21 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 4/9/2012 9:48:47 AM, Thaddeus wrote:
At 4/9/2012 8:15:58 AM, Cermank wrote:
At 4/8/2012 2:08:55 PM, Thaddeus wrote:
Burn his house down =)

Of course. The perfect Thad solution.

You can't be Oryus =O

I'm not. Just a random person who'd continue to use this account for embarrassing queries.
royalpaladin
Posts: 22,357
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4/9/2012 9:58:44 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 4/9/2012 9:57:21 AM, Cermank wrote:
At 4/9/2012 9:48:47 AM, Thaddeus wrote:
At 4/9/2012 8:15:58 AM, Cermank wrote:
At 4/8/2012 2:08:55 PM, Thaddeus wrote:
Burn his house down =)

Of course. The perfect Thad solution.

You can't be Oryus =O

I'm not. Just a random person who'd continue to use this account for embarrassing queries.

Yup. This is Oryus.
Lickdafoot
Posts: 5,599
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4/9/2012 10:00:33 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 4/9/2012 9:58:44 AM, royalpaladin wrote:
At 4/9/2012 9:57:21 AM, Cermank wrote:
At 4/9/2012 9:48:47 AM, Thaddeus wrote:
At 4/9/2012 8:15:58 AM, Cermank wrote:
At 4/8/2012 2:08:55 PM, Thaddeus wrote:
Burn his house down =)

Of course. The perfect Thad solution.

You can't be Oryus =O

I'm not. Just a random person who'd continue to use this account for embarrassing queries.

Yup. This is Oryus.

LOL. i was thinking....... i wont say it :P
WAKE UP AND READ THIS: http://www.debate.org...
Cermank
Posts: 3,773
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4/9/2012 10:01:14 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 4/9/2012 9:55:52 AM, Lickdafoot wrote:
At 4/9/2012 8:15:08 AM, Cermank wrote:
At this point, I am not even sure I want to be his friend. Anyway- thanks for the advice- it cleared up a lot of things.

Aww. This guy was one of your best friends. Do you really want to lose that over a kiss? The truth is, most guys who are your friends want you. It's just how they are. If you really care about him as a friend, you have to suck it up and talk to him. Be honest. Tell him that you got wrapped up in the moment and weren't thinking straight.

I... kind of feel really used. I mean, yes, I consented- but then he didn't even ask my permission- or talked about it, or anything. I feel manipulated emotionally. But then, you're sort of right. I guess I'll HAVE to talk with him- and considering me, I'll just spew up exactly the wrong things. But doesn't matter. Thanks =)
Lickdafoot
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4/9/2012 10:02:45 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 4/9/2012 9:57:21 AM, Cermank wrote:
At 4/9/2012 9:48:47 AM, Thaddeus wrote:
At 4/9/2012 8:15:58 AM, Cermank wrote:
At 4/8/2012 2:08:55 PM, Thaddeus wrote:
Burn his house down =)

Of course. The perfect Thad solution.

You can't be Oryus =O

I'm not. Just a random person who'd continue to use this account for embarrassing queries.

let us know how it goes... TALK TO HIM. Otherwise, sorry, but you're being a selfish @ss. Imagine how he feels right now about kissing you and you running off and avoiding him for however many days.
WAKE UP AND READ THIS: http://www.debate.org...
Lickdafoot
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4/9/2012 10:05:14 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 4/9/2012 10:01:14 AM, Cermank wrote:
At 4/9/2012 9:55:52 AM, Lickdafoot wrote:
At 4/9/2012 8:15:08 AM, Cermank wrote:
At this point, I am not even sure I want to be his friend. Anyway- thanks for the advice- it cleared up a lot of things.

Aww. This guy was one of your best friends. Do you really want to lose that over a kiss? The truth is, most guys who are your friends want you. It's just how they are. If you really care about him as a friend, you have to suck it up and talk to him. Be honest. Tell him that you got wrapped up in the moment and weren't thinking straight.

I... kind of feel really used. I mean, yes, I consented- but then he didn't even ask my permission- or talked about it, or anything. I feel manipulated emotionally. But then, you're sort of right. I guess I'll HAVE to talk with him- and considering me, I'll just spew up exactly the wrong things. But doesn't matter. Thanks =)

I know how you feel but hes a GUY. A guy who obviously doesn't have a clue about dealing with women. I don't think he was intending to use you.... he just likes you and unfortunately thought he stood a chance.
WAKE UP AND READ THIS: http://www.debate.org...
Ren
Posts: 7,102
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4/9/2012 10:35:30 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
I have to be honest -- I think you're blowing this way out of proportion. This is hardly what I would consider dramatic. Now, perhaps if he knocked you up and the friend is his wife...

...anyway, it doesn't even sound as though he groped you or anything, even though many may have when you went ahead and kissed him back. I mean, that's just part of normative human interaction, really... on the other hand, I wouldn't say that your reaction was. I mean, what, do you find him repulsive? What's the big deal, anyway? You obviously like him, and like spending time with him, and if you lingered, his breath didn't smell like ass, so, what, does he have an ear growing from his forehead? Is he a parapalegic? I mean, if you like hanging out with him and are rather close to him, you trust him, and you don't mind kissing him, why isn't he your boyfriend?

Simply tell your friend that he's yours, then go out for french fries. No drama.
Cermank
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4/9/2012 11:30:08 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
@ren: I am just not into relationships. And he, and everyone else knows that. Plus, all things aside- this is the worst time to enter into one. Peak time and everything. Add a conservative family plus my tendency to freak out, relationships are not for me, actually.

And LOL at thinking a good friend can be a boyfriend. There are a lot of other factors at work.
Ren
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4/9/2012 11:33:25 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 4/9/2012 11:30:08 AM, Cermank wrote:
@ren: I am just not into relationships. And he, and everyone else knows that. Plus, all things aside- this is the worst time to enter into one. Peak time and everything. Add a conservative family plus my tendency to freak out, relationships are not for me, actually.

And LOL at thinking a good friend can be a boyfriend. There are a lot of other factors at work.

Ahhh, that's much clearer.

So, it's just not possible. Well, calmly explain that to him. Just be completely, 100% honest -- there's nothing wrong with that:

"Hey, look, I'm just not into relationships, and you already know that. I'm prone to freaking out, I have a conservative family, and I have priorities that would make it impractical. So, I'm just not that girl. We can still be friends and all, but if you make it weird, then I'm probably just going to avoid you. On the other hand, I heard that (So-and-so) is kind of into you. Why don't you have coffee with her and get to know her a little bit? I think she's more your type."
Cermank
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4/9/2012 12:06:20 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
That's... so perfect. Although maybe he wouldn't even want to talk to me, considering its been a week- The conversation may remain civil and even cordial if I take this mode.

Although I don't think i would be comfortable if he says hell yeah to the other girl. I'll take my chances.

And again, really really perfect dialogues. Thanks a ton.
Lickdafoot
Posts: 5,599
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4/9/2012 12:43:06 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 4/9/2012 12:06:20 PM, Cermank wrote:
That's... so perfect. Although maybe he wouldn't even want to talk to me, considering its been a week- The conversation may remain civil and even cordial if I take this mode.

Although I don't think i would be comfortable if he says hell yeah to the other girl. I'll take my chances.

And again, really really perfect dialogues. Thanks a ton.

so... you don't want him, but you don't want him with another girl? are you sure you don't like him, and you're not just scared to be in a relationship?
WAKE UP AND READ THIS: http://www.debate.org...
Cermank
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4/9/2012 12:55:01 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 4/9/2012 12:43:06 PM, Lickdafoot wrote:
At 4/9/2012 12:06:20 PM, Cermank wrote:
That's... so perfect. Although maybe he wouldn't even want to talk to me, considering its been a week- The conversation may remain civil and even cordial if I take this mode.

Although I don't think i would be comfortable if he says hell yeah to the other girl. I'll take my chances.

And again, really really perfect dialogues. Thanks a ton.

so... you don't want him, but you don't want him with another girl? are you sure you don't like him, and you're not just scared to be in a relationship?

Well... I have never been in one, so there's definitely the scary part. But ... He kissed me! He's supposed to like me, what does it say about him if he went out with the next interested party?

Or maybe i'm overthinking. It'd just be an ego hurt. Writing it out makes me sound so- third grade :/
Lickdafoot
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4/9/2012 1:01:01 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 4/9/2012 12:55:01 PM, Cermank wrote:
At 4/9/2012 12:43:06 PM, Lickdafoot wrote:
At 4/9/2012 12:06:20 PM, Cermank wrote:
That's... so perfect. Although maybe he wouldn't even want to talk to me, considering its been a week- The conversation may remain civil and even cordial if I take this mode.

Although I don't think i would be comfortable if he says hell yeah to the other girl. I'll take my chances.

And again, really really perfect dialogues. Thanks a ton.

so... you don't want him, but you don't want him with another girl? are you sure you don't like him, and you're not just scared to be in a relationship?

Well... I have never been in one, so there's definitely the scary part. But ... He kissed me! He's supposed to like me, what does it say about him if he went out with the next interested party?

Or maybe i'm overthinking. It'd just be an ego hurt. Writing it out makes me sound so- third grade :/

That makes sense. It's not childish. It sounds like there are a lot of unresolved emotions involved. I've gotta step out but i'll be back with more later.
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imabench
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4/9/2012 1:36:24 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
This is why i made a debate about men being castrated......
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Greyparrot
Posts: 14,282
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4/9/2012 1:59:50 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
I am sure it is frustrating that he put you in such an awkward position.

It is easy to stay focused on your college goals and your work when there is nothing else competing for those goals.

You are going to have to deal with this and soon. You cannot allow competing interests to fester in your mind during your down time, you are going to really stress yourself out with nothing gained.

Decide with conviction what it is that you want, and then make it clear to your friend. Don't simply set your girlfriend up with him, as that really will not resolve anything.

Eventually, you are going to have to confront the source, and take care of this issue.